Category: mood disorders

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

I really didn’t watch or listen to the Sox game but I was keeping tabs on it. I looked at the 2nd inning and it was 1-0. Then I don’t know what the hell happened, I blinked or something, and it was 4-0, Cleveland. I threw my hands in the air. I swore. I cussed out Price so bad. 30 fucking million dollars for nothing. 30 million!! And he can’t fucking pitch worth a damn! And the Sox bats were cold as fucking ice. We were shut out. Final score was 6-0. We have to win Sunday with Clay on the mound. It’s extremely unlikely but I have hope.

I have been eating like a pig since I have some home. I didn’t eat much today. I had a donut with my coffee and then I didn’t have anything else until dinner. After dinner, I had two boiled eggs and some cookie butter. Then I decided to make some pumpkin fluff which is going to be the death of me. It is so fucking awesome. I don’t think it is going to last until Tuesday when I see my therapist. I was going to share it but it might just be mine. My sweet tooth is in high gear and I think I am PMS’g, which isn’t a good thing. I just finished a pack of pills or rather just started a new pack, I forget. I just know I have gone through at least 4 packs and that is usually an indication that I am due for breakthrough bleeding. Oh Joy, just what my suicidality needs.

If the fluff doesn’t last, I will just make a pumpkin cake again. That will last a while. I just need to get more pumpkin. My back is feeling a lot better so I might be able to make it to the grocery store tomorrow to get some more. I hope they aren’t sold out. That will really suck. I just had a stroke of genius…place the fluff on top of the cake. It will be super yummy!! HA! Sweet tooth galore! That is if it survives the weekend…

I had wanted to print off my book tonight but I am not feeling up for it. I hate so much fluff that I am kind of full and sleepy. I just took my meds so I should probably wake up soon. Never fails that my meds wake me up rather than knock me out. I don’t get it because if I take them during the day, I am sleeping all day. Doesn’t make any sense.

I found out today that one of the world’s greatest suicidologists has died. Dr. Terry Maltsberger has passed away. I am glad to have met him at a conference in 2012 in Baltimore. I had him sign a chapter that he wrote in the Aeschi book. I read many things that he had wrote. He was brilliant and had great empathy for suicidal patients. He will be deeply missed.

somewhat good Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Somewhat good Friday

I did all that I had to do today. I went to my Starbucks to get my coffee and sat for a little while to write. Next thing I know, it’s time to leave for my appointment. I get there fifteen minutes early. It went well. The NP was really nice and set me up with a new PCP, which was about time. I see him in Dec. She said he is a good guy. I tend to be skeptical of this until I actually meet the person. My back was a little out of sync but I got to and fro okay. I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and there were no problems. I didn’t wait too long and they had vanilla pudding so I am plan on making my pumpkin fluff this weekend. I took out the cool whip that was in the freezer. I might also make the cake. We’ll see how the back goes.

My therapist called and she was bullshit I don’t see the CBT people until next month. She is still trying to see if I can see her on Monday. I was really appreciative that she called me on her day off to check in with me. I didn’t sleep too good last night and sent my psychiatrist an email, which she still hasn’t responded to. I might page her today, while it’s day light, to talk with her. I got so much going on and I don’t see her for another three weeks.

I kept thinking of wanting to kill myself today. I could have done it, if I had the bottle of pills with me. I don’t know if I would be able to walk to my destination but I would have tried. Now it’s just a guessing game as to when I will try. I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I am tired of being in pain every day and night. I am tired of losing sleep because of pain. I talked about that with the NP today and told her I sometimes had to take 6 pills a day to get relief. I am hoping when I see the doc in Dec he changes the order so I can have 2 more pills a day. Then I won’t be scrambling at the end of the month wondering what to do with my meds.

I’m very sleepy. I did a lot today on little sleep. I hope I don’t stay up all night again tonight. That will just be torture. Part of the reason I couldn’t go to sleep last night was because I was having PTSD symptoms. I had to keep reminding myself that the back pain I was experiencing wasn’t CES happening again. I had to take at least 2 ativans to calm down. It was really terrible.

Clean Water in Cleveland

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clean Water in Cleveland

My Sox lost to the Indians tonight. The starting pitcher gave up like 4 homeruns. It was ugly. We were able to get within a run but never quite retook the lead. I am upset because I really thought “Pretty Ricky” was going to lead us to victory. Now we have to depend on Price and Bucholz to get us through to Boston. I hope we don’t lose three in a row but it is possible if our bats don’t start flying.

I am kind of upset that I have to wait more than a month for the stupid CBT sessions to begin. This is going to torture me. Then the LTD paperwork came in for my yearly review. I have to fill it out this weekend and send it back. Oh Joy! I have so much stuff to do and I don’t want to do anything. I read some more of the Oliver Sacks book, which is quite boring. I might toss it into a fire to use when I am cold, and I am not a book burner by any means. That’s how bad this book is to me. I don’t find any of the cases interesting in the least. Why my psychiatrist recommended it, I have no clue. It’s a terribly written book. I don’t know why I bought it as I knew I would hate it.

I watched a movie tonight before the game started. I watched “For the Love of the Game”. It’s one of my favorite baseball movies.

I am officially out of my regular pain meds. I am hope that I can get to my PCP’s office tomorrow without too much pain. I will take some strong pain meds with me just in case as that is all I have at the moment. I took a shower with some severe pain and had to sit down a few times so it’s questioning my decision to make this decision out to Boston. I wish I could have someone drive me into town but there is no one and I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am worrying for nothing.

Had to put the ceiling fan on because it’s hot in my room for some reason. I still have the AC in. I know the minute I take it out, the temp is going to be in the 80s again. We always have an Indian summer. I just hope the fan doesn’t cause my back to cramp up on me. Lately I have been getting spasms around my waist and they have been so painful that sometimes I can’t breathe or move. They don’t last long but they are sure uncomfortable.

document 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Document 4

I keep forgetting to close Word when I finish a document so now I am up to “Document 4”. Seemed to be a fitting title so I used it. I am wicked excited for baseball tonight. I have 8 hours until the Sox play Cleveland. Pretty Ricky is playing on the mound so it should be a good game. My mother is making my favorite, chicken cacciatore. It smells so damn good.

I got a call from the psych intake. I have an appointment with the CBT person, in fucking Nov!! WTF seriously?? I guess it’s better than December, but still. And it’s not at MGH but a satellite office near Government Center. Wonderful. I will have to switch train lines to get to where I am going seeing as I can’t walk down the street anymore. It will be nice to see the new Govt center station though. It is nice inside but I haven’t seen the outside. Maybe I will post some pics when I go.

Back is still hurting so I decided to make coffee. I also had a little breakfast as I was kind of hungry. I wanted to have the cherry breakfast bars but I couldn’t find them so I had the mixed berry kind. It was still good. I need to shower today and I don’t know how it’s going to go because I can barely stand for more than a few minutes. I have been trying to stretch out my lower back but it hurts more to do the exercises.

I think part of the reason my back is flared up today is because I am constipated. I just went and some of my back pain dissipated. I wish I could control the constipation better but the strong pain meds always bangs me up real good. I am surprised I went today. I am glad I did because the pain was getting really bad. I won’t be going out today because I made my coffee but I might step outside for a little bit. I really need to find out what the hell all the banging is about. It’s driving me nuts. Someone that is over the street next to me is doing some kind of construction and it is loud!

I am feeling kind of down today. I have the “do nothings”, though I really should be doing something. I really need to wash my bedding but that is going to take some work because I need to clear off my bed with all the shit on it, including my “office”. And doing it with an injured back is not a good idea. Maybe I can do it over the weekend, provided I don’t have any set backs with my back hurting me.

I need to go out tomorrow for my NP appointment. I hope that I can make it in one piece. I won’t be able to wear my brace as that will just annoy my back further. I will take my cane with me just in case my foot decides to not work anymore. I am nervous about meeting some one new that doesn’t know my situation. I just hope I don’t have to pee in a cup.