Category: mood disorders

Another Rough Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Rough Monday

It’s another cold day so of course my ankle is acting up. I wanted to go to Starbucks and mail a letter to a friend but that isn’t happening. My check came in this morning so I paid some bills and reserved Zipcars for the next two weeks. I also ordered my groceries for the month. Then I ordered some Chinese food as there was no way I could cook with my ankle being a bugger. Just going down the stairs was trouble.

I am feeling depressed about being in pain. I hate that it happens when I wake up because it spoils the day. I then have to take pain meds which make me feel tired and I need to sleep. So I probably will be sleeping most of the afternoon. I don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe I will make some coffee in a little bit, though I really don’t feel like having it. I much rather have espresso with soy milk.

Sox are not playing today. They have the day off. They could clinch the division today and they will celebrate if they do. I have the whole afternoon and evening to do nothing. It’s depressing. I swear the only time I really get a chance to get out of the house is to go to Starbucks. But that is on a good, pain free day. I suppose I could push through the pain but that never works for me. I end up hurting more and then I am done for a few days.

I took a couple hours nap. I needed it. My mother called as I was waking up and asked if I was still in pain. I said ya and then she asked again, ya or no. Unreal. Even on the phone she doesn’t hear you. She was making hot dogs and potatoes. I didn’t feel like eating. I told her I would eat later. I really wanted to finish off the Chinese food that I bought for lunch.

I have been texting my woes to my therapist all day. I found out it’s going to be raining tomorrow and I HATE driving in the rain. More idiots are on the road and they can’t seem to drive. I have the car an extra half hour and I am probably going to need it on the way back. I wanted to go to the grocery store and get some spice cake as I saw another awesome pumpkin cake recipe that I would love to try. It sucks that I am the only one that likes pumpkin in my house. I want to make these pumpkin treats but I can’t eat them all! I will be 300 pounds! I plan on making cupcakes for my therapist next week. Those look better than the ones that I made previously. Then a friend of mine sent me another recipe for pumpkin fluff. It looks really good as it has vanilla pudding in it. That just seems like heaven!

Tonight starts the presidential debates. Oh joy. I can’t wait for the name calling to begin. I think I will go to bed early to stay off Twitter and the ridiculousness of the candidates. Trump’s campaign has already told the media “not to fact check things”. Yea, okay. Buffoon. Maybe I will watch “American President” again and pray Shepard goes against Hillary, that Trump is just a joke.

Random 850

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Every night, I take my night time meds between 2000-2100. Sometimes I take them earlier if I am feeling really tired. It seems no matter what time I take them, I am still up till midnight or later. I don’t understand this as I am very tired but I can’t seem to fall asleep as my brain just keep going round and round.

I know I wrote two other blogs today. Some days, I feel up to writing up to three blogs. I don’t think I have ever written four blogs in one day, unless it was a quote or something. Part of the reason I am having trouble sleeping tonight is because there is a skunk smell in my room and it makes me sick. I have to wait for it to pass before I can lie down. It went away and then another skunk smelled up my room so I sprayed my cologne to help get rid of the smell this time. I hate nocturnal animals.

I was listening to some music as I had music running through my head, as usual. Luckily it’s going now, for the moment. Sometimes music doesn’t help wind me down, especially if it’s music I really like. But it helped me write a letter to my friend in Texas. We are going to be Pen pals now as she wants a break from Facebook. I don’t mind letter writing as I love doing it.

My back seems to be fine now that I am not doing anything strenuous. I hope it stays that way because I have to see my therapist Tuesday. I want to give her my cake that I made. It’s really good. I should have put in more pumpkin spice seasoning but the directions doesn’t call for it so I just eyeballed it. It wasn’t enough. I will know for next time.

I tried reading Dostoevsky. I read two chapters and then I had to stop as it was just endless babble. Then I tried reading a new book and that was a bore. I am marking that off my list of books to read. It’s terrible. I will try a different book tomorrow. Maybe I will read more of the “Dark Tide”. It’s kind of hard to read because it has disaster written before it happened and I hate books like that. But I am a stickler for reading a book through once I am into it. The other book I am not into it at all so bye-bye.

I hope the CBT people call me tomorrow. Something tells me that my suicidality is going to be the hold up. I will cringe if it is. Seems I can’t get any new therapist with my suicidal history, which is so damn sad and frustrating. Doesn’t matter though, because if it doesn’t work out, I will just try to kill myself and see if that works out. Screw the system. I know my therapist will be pissed as all hell but oh well. I can’t keep living in this pain that I am in. It’s too much.

Thursday I am hoping to go to the MFA and check out the Frida Kahlo exhibit. I will be wearing my AFO so I shouldn’t have too much trouble walking around, especially if my ankle decides to be a fart. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. But it depends on my pain levels and how I do going out to see my therapist. Sometimes, going out the 30 miles and coming back just takes so much out of me that I need a day or two to rest. I haven’t been so good on resting after doing an activity but I got to be better at it or I am just going to be in more pain. Like tomorrow is going to be a rest day because I did a lot on my feet today with making a cake.

Today marks the 5th month passing of my father. I guess that is why he was on my mind a lot last night. I still don’t know why his last few hours were so much more on my mind than at any other time during my life. I guess it’s because there aren’t that many happy memories that I have of my father. But I will save the bitterness of his actions for another day. He is gone and no longer a control asshole in it so I am free on some level.

Today in BPD chat, there was talk about Marsha Linehan and her DBT stuff, like “life worth living”, “radical acceptance”, and so forth. I respect Marsha because she lived through a lot and then worked to make it so people would live despite the pain they were in. And her treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder works to give people much needed hope. Now it is applied to other areas of mental health and it’s working. My therapist, when she found out about my date, had said to me that we don’t have a life worth living anymore. We never did, least I never did. Maybe she thinks, falsely, that there was something of that semblance in our relationship. I don’t know. I had given up the beginning of September and I still have clung to the notion that my life is over because I can’t see myself going on and on in pain. Soon it will be over in the next few weeks, unless I get into a CBT program and it works. Then my plan will be off the table, least for now.

I have never understood the “life worth living”. It’s a hard concept for me to take in. I understand it. I am not a complete idiot. But I can’t find value of it in my life because of the pain that I am in physically and emotionally. There was a quote that someone had posted and I wish I had take it down or favorited or something. It held some significance to what I was going through and now I can’t remember what it was. I’ll have to go through the transcript of the chat.

A few weeks ago I had sent my psychiatrist my explanations of dying. She wrote back something and I replied that if I should die, she wouldn’t be responsible or to be blamed for my death. I never got a response back. I hope she knows that I meant it.

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

After the ballgame and baking, I retreated to the confines of my room to relax my ankle who was bugging me. The two slices of cake that I had were my lunch and I wasn’t up for dinner. I participated in BPD Chat and it was a good chat. Then I got hungry and didn’t know what to make. So I finally decided baked beans and a hot dog would be okay. As I went downstairs to make my dinner, my mother saw what I was wearing. A hoodie because I was cold. She said to shut the kitchen windows. I said okay, thinking nothing of it. I got my stuff for my meal and went into the kitchen.

First thing I did was shut the windows and that was when trouble started. As I reached and stretched to get at the handles, my right hip didn’t like it at all. I closed the first window without too much difficulty but the second one caused me considerable amount of pain. I stood still for a while to let it pass, thinking nothing serious had happened. My mother had emptied the silverware from the strainer thingy so I decided to put them away. No straining or stretching but my back gave out on me. I couldn’t move an inch without severe pain. I yelled for my mother, but she is deaf. I didn’t know if I could let go of the counter to reach my cell to call her. I gingerly did so.

My mother came to the kitchen and I was paralyzed in pain. She helped me to a chair and I sat for a little bit. She helped open the baked beans and got a hot dog out. I also told her to take out some burgers so I can have them for tomorrow. Meanwhile I am in the chair and wondering how I am going to even eat dinner with my back killing me. I just sat there as there was nothing else I could do, least for the next few minutes. It was scary because I didn’t know how bad this was going to be. I really wanted to see my therapist Tuesday to give her some cake, but if my back was out, I couldn’t drive. I slowly moved and was able to get a pan for the water to cook the hot dog. I was being real gingerly moving as I didn’t want another spasm of pain. By the time I finished my meal, the pain abated but I was still sore.

The temps have dropped dramatically in the last 24 hours and will continue to drop into the night as they are calling for frost conditions. My back HATES temperature fluctuations of more than 10-20 degrees or more. It will just switch to being out and there is nothing I can do about it until the temp normalizes, which, in New England, can be days to weeks. All I need to do is something small and it will go out or do nothing at all and I am laid up. I must have closed those damn kitchen windows a million times and they have never caused me pain like they did today.

sleepy but not tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy but not tired

I have been trying to get to sleep for the past hour and have failed. I thought it was odd that I haven’t thought of my father and that when I do, it’s always the last few hours of his life. It’s like I can’t think of anything but that time period. I guess it’s better not to think of him at all.

Last night, our CO detector’s battery is running low and starting beeping. It takes 3 AA batteries and it’s the only detector that beeps after a few months. I don’t know if it’s made like that or not but it’s annoying as all hell because every 3-4 months we are replacing batteries for it. Such a waste.

I did take a shower before bed because I got a sneeze attack. I thought if I took a shower, whatever was causing me to sneeze would be washed away. HA, yea right. Soon as I was going up the stairs to my room, I started sneezing again and again. It was awful. I then decided to use Flonase to try and see if that helped. One of my nostrils is clogged so I don’t think it will be very effective. I will have to use it the next few days to stop fricken sneezing. I hate sneezing non-stop.

A friend of mine on Facebook gave me a recipe for pumpkin pie cupcakes. So I am going to make them some time next week. It’s going to be so much fun! I love cupcakes. I will buy cream cheese frosting and that will be so awesome. You are supposed to top with whipped cream but I think frosting will be better.

I am going to buy Naan with my grocery order. It’s been so long since I had it. I remember when one of my Muslim friends gave me some. I thought it was so good. I haven’t had it since then. I think it might go good with some Biscoff spread.