Category: suicidality

Another side of Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, suicidality

Another side to Bipolar Disorder

Last night, I sort of crashed. I was still feeling like I was in some weird mixed state but I was more up than down. Despite the up feelings, I was adamant that I should kill myself while in this state as I had energy to do so. I texted my therapist that I was a hopeless case and something to the effect that I would be writing suicide letters before ending my life. I still am thinking this. We have a session in about an hour. I am sure she is going to try and talk me out of it but I don’t think she can this time.

All day I have been in a weird mood, neither up, neither down, just flat but I have been alert and to my senses. I got pissed off last night because I requested a 90 day supply of medication and he sent in a 30 day supply. Now the mail order is charging me $20, for what I am not sure. I am so angry that I don’t care. It’s not like I am going to be living 90 days anyway. I am going to get my affairs in order and just end things. How I am going to do this, is still a mystery to me. I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Last night I doubled my mood stabilizer. I also took my antidepressant that I have not been taking for more than a month. Now I have the hungry horrors today, though I think that is mostly because of the antidepressant than the mood stabilizer. I just wanted to get out of the “high” feeling before I spent my last dollar that probably isn’t mine (long story). I still have to file my taxes and I need money because I know that I owe. I plan on filing my next pay period, which is in two weeks. Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I am wicked nervous about seeing her, though kind of in a good way. I bought her chocolate as a welcome back. She knows of my mood swings because I emailed her. She doesn’t know of my suicidal plans. I fear that if she knows them, I will be placed in the hospital. But the hospital is not going to deter me this time.

I don’t know why I am planning all these self-destructive things. I am just preparing for my death. I have not made any plans to actually end my life. I am just writing notes in the case of my death, which will be sometime this year. I cannot bare to live another decade.

Had a half a row with my mother tonight. She said that she didn’t know there was a boy in the house (meaning me, with my new haircut). I had to walk away only because it was close to my therapist appointment time and I didn’t want to start a fight. It still pisses me off she has no clue that I am a male or transgender. She is so fucking clueless. And it hurts so bad.

She won’t be getting a letter from me. My sisters, nieces, and nephew will but she won’t. And because my father doesn’t read English, he won’t get one either. Because fuck him. He is the reason for my problems, with all the abuse he has given me over the years.

My therapist didn’t flip out over my text of me wanting to write suicide notes and then kill myself. She has been calmer with my suicidality lately, and it is scaring me. We actually talked about my suicidality with her anxiety going off on all tangents. I even brought it up and she said it was there she just wasn’t letting it show. Maybe because I am not in the same room with her I can’t “read” her. But then she can’t really “read” me either. We talked about my decent into the darkness last night. And again it comes out when I am tired and I can’t sleep. It’s like I am fighting sleep and if I would just lie down, I might be able to sleep. But instead I feel like I have to write. So I wrote my therapist a good by letter. I will also be sending her a copy of my short story on psychosis. I started the letter soon after midnight. So the Midnight Demons came out. I don’t even remember half of what I wrote to her. But then, when I am in that state, I never remember what I write. The thing that bothers me is that I had taken meds that should have knocked my ass out well before midnight. I had taken my meds around 2130 so I should have fallen asleep within an hour, the most two. It just really sucks when I don’t fall asleep and I am fighting sleep. That is when I become really suicidal and I write about it deeply and with intensity. Then in the morning, I have no recollection of what I wrote. At all.

My therapist wants me to take my meds early tonight. I will take them at 2000 and see if I fall asleep before 2300. I do have to wake up early tomorrow to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am not sure I will tell her about my suicidality or letter writing. It will depend on my mood. Sometimes I am forthcoming with my suicidality but sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to end up in the emergency room. My suicidality is not imminent so I don’t think I will be sent to emergency services. And she knows my suicidality is chronic.

A Productive Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

A Productive Day

For the first time all year, I was able to shower, get dressed, and go out. I went to Starbucks, had my coffee, and edited one of my blogs that I hope to put in my short story book. I then picked up my niece and to my surprise, I wasn’t fatigued, horribly, when I got home. My ankle was aching but it was not killing me. I feel pretty good about this. It remains to be seen whether I will have pain later tonight.

I had a bit of a scare today. When I came to my room to work on my blog, I found that WordPress was down. I still cannot load it on IE (internet Explorer) but it loads on my phone so that is good. And I can get the operational aspect of the blog working in Chrome, so I am hoping this post posts without difficulty.

I got new music today from Luke Bryan. I really shouldn’t have, but I love Luke and his music. I also am planning on trying to finish this Civil War book sometime in the next week or so. I am up to page 700 and have about 100 or so pages to finish it. I am not going to read the afterword or Epilogue. I am just going to read the chapters of the book and that is all. Then I am going to start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. I am going to take a break from history for a while after this Civil War book. It has been so tedious. I was thinking about writing a review for it but someone already wrote what I was thinking! Great minds think alike.

I am glad I got to edit one of my blogs that I am putting in my new book. Now I just have to enter the edits. It shouldn’t take long. I just have one line that I need to rewrite. I highlighted to have me thinking about rewording it. It definitely needs some work, so I will try and work on it sometime this week.

I hope this productivity that I am feeling lasts. The last few days had sucked because I could barely get myself out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep and today I was able to do things. I am not manic or even hypomanic but I am feeling good. I still feel sort of depressed, though. At least twice today, I have thought about killing myself or just wondering what it would be like not to be alive anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s now 2000 and I am not tired or sleepy like I have been in the past. I had a coffee today rather than an espresso drink. I am feeling wired. Maybe I am in a mixed state, but without the agitation.

I was able to get my recycles and a box out of my room. I hope to get another box out of my room tomorrow. I think that will help ease some of the clutter in my room. I can’t do anything about the clothes in my room. I have no where to put them so they will have to stay where they are.

Last night I was so depressed, I couldn’t bring myself to print out my blogs and the short story I just finished. Every time I thought about getting out of bed to put the paper in the printer, plug in the printer to my laptop, just wore me out just thinking about it. This morning, I had more energy so was able to print off the stuff I needed to. It didn’t seem like a chore like it was last night.

Last night I was in a very depressed mood. If I had a place to hang myself in my room, I probably would have gone through with it. I was in such a nasty depressed/suicidal mood. And today it is like night and day. I am feeling good but in a down sort of way. I don’t know what causes me to feel so bad at times. My appetite is still down. All I had to eat today was a sandwich at Starbucks. I am not really hungry for anything, though I am thinking about the jelly donut my brother-in-law gave me. I was going to have that in the morning but it might be my supper. But if I do eat, I think I will have a protein bar. I think that will be a better idea than a jelly donut. I just don’t feel hungry and food is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather contemplate killing myself than eat something. I don’t know. It’s not like I have lost weight. My pants still fit me the same. I never lose weight like I used to. I think if I was more active, I might be able to lose more weight. But with a bum ankle, being active is difficult.

I don’t know why I feel really good today. I don’t even feel tired. I feel kind of like on cloud nine but I haven’t taken anything to make me feel this way. I hope this lasts. If I feel down tomorrow, I might be cycling, which is not good. Being bipolar sucks. You never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.

Response paper for Building a therapeutic alliance with suicidal patients

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Response paper for Building a therapeutic alliance with suicidal patients.

This book is a work of genius among the top suicidologists in the U.S. and Europe. These people actually want to help suicidal people get better and try to make their life worth living. Like most of Drs. David Jobes and Konrad Michal work, they have done an excellent review of the literature and made the book easy to read without a lot of psychological jargon. This book should be used as a handbook for anyone dealing with suicidal individuals. As someone who has been through many suicidal episodes with many different therapists, this book is groundbreaking. It lists his classic work of CAMS (collaborating and managing suicidality) which is a tried and true way of dealing with lethal suicidality in an outpatient setting. The other evidence based therapists will enhance therapy around this work.
The Chapters are broken down easy enough and progress from good to bad in my opinion, of the treatments that work. The conclusion was brilliant by Dr. Jobes. He has stated with clarity the hardships that are faced with suicidality such as the IRB approvals for research, clinicians wanting to work with this population, and the need to try and keep these people in therapy.