Category: suicide attempt

My therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, suicide attempt

My therapist

I know a couple of my blogs have dealt with my therapist. Today she came back from her vacation and I could tell she is glad to be back.

We talked about a couple of issues while she was gone that I had texted her about. I had to keep her in the loop while she was away. I don’t know who else’s therapist does that but mine does.

Friday I was telling my psychiatrist that I was lucky to have her and not to have her drop me when she was going through all the moves that she was making. And also I didn’t connect with anyone while trying to find another therapist that was closer to me. My psychiatrist did bring up a point, that I didn’t drop either one (my therapist or my psychiatrist), though I did try to drop my therapist, many times. It just never worked out. And today I am seeing why. She really cares about me. And I think her hounding and nagging isn’t helping me. We talked about that today after she tried to assess my suicidality. I told her I was fine but she didn’t believe me. She never does. And it pisses me off because sometimes I really am fine.

I have known this bozo for the past 12.5 years (technically 13 if you count the initial session we had). I had an initial session with her in Aug 2000 but because she didn’t take my insurance, I had to wait till January to see her. It was a trying time. I was in severe back pain because I had a herniated disc. I was severely depressed because a therapist (one before her) had just left me after a year of working together and I was hurting really bad because I had just broken up with my girl friend. I was seriously thinking of killing myself because feelings of abandonment were rampant and I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to therapy again. I had so many therapists over the course of 10 yrs already and I wasn’t going to go again just to get hurt again. But something in her demeanor made me think that she was the one. And now after all this time, I realize that we have a lifetime commitment to one another (well, maybe not but it feels like it!)

I’ve had love and love’s had me
I’ve been held and been set free
And I have lived enough to know
That you might stay or you might go
So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

The best is just a touch away
We’ll make forever day by day
It’d be a shame to let this go
How sad to think we’d never know
How the morning light would fall on us
After we make all night in love

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

When I first heard this song by Terri Clark, it was the perfect song for my therapist and I. I was just getting over my relationship with a previous therapist and I didn’t know if I would go on. I was going out on a limb, trying my luck with Bozo.

I didn’t always call Bozo bozo. I used to call her by her formal title Dr. E. But as the years went by she wanted me to call her by her first name, A. Her middle name starts with a B and I didn’t know it for the longest time. And it is an unusual name. So I just started calling her Bozo hoping that she would get mad at me and stop seeing me. Turned out that no matter what I called her (including some explicit language), it never changed her mind. And wasn’t I in trouble!! She and I always had a connection from day one. I like to think that it was the song by Kenny Chesney, you had me from hello that explains it all.

One word, that’s all you said
Something in your voice called me, turned my head
Your smile, just captured me
You were in my future as far as I could see
And I dont know how it happens, but it happens still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you won’t let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Inside I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I’d never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn’t going to love again
The last time was the last time I’d let someone in

But you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you wont let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Thats all you said
Something in your voice calls me, turns my head
You had me from hello
You had me from hello
Girl, I’ve loved you from hello

I don’t know how I got to be lucky to have this woman in my life and have such a good relationship with her. It took a long time to trust her especially after dealing with a diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome. That diagnosis brings such a loss of dignity that you cannot imagine what it is like until it reaches you. But through all of my illnesses she has been there.

She doesn’t have a traditional track, like CBT or psychodynamic. She has what is called relational therapy. I am guessing she picked it up back in New Mexico because I can’t seem to find out about it anywhere else. More than that she takes the Aeschi model to a whole new level. She really wants to know me as a person and not as a diagnosis. I think if she were a strict therapist, I might not be with her after all this time. Even though I might not have frequent in session sessions, we still are able to read each other on the phone by the sound of our voices. I can see the faces she makes when we talk, though for a long time, I rarely had any type of facial contact. I think by having phone sessions has increased our eye to eye contact more than it has in the past. It really helped break the barrier of what I felt I couldn’t talk about and really talk about it. She also allows me to having input in the kind of treatment I want. If I didn’t bring in the works or Dr. Shneidman or Dr. Jobes, I doubt that I would be here today. She altered her practice style for me and I never take that for granted. Her style might be considered eccentric but it works for me. I am grateful that she allowed the use of the SSF and Holden’s scale for psychache into our work. I think even if I brought in the most ridiculous form of therapy, she might just be game. Though she has brought some ridiculous forms of therapy to me. The works of Janina Fisher seem a little bogus to me. But she believes in them so I have no chance of changing her mind. I met the lady and boy was it an eye opener to complete bullshit!!

‘I admit that I was skeptical at first’

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

An awesome research perspective on suicide attempt survivors

kayakembe's avatarWhat happens now?

It’s high time we had another post from Stephen O’Connor, a founding contributor of this site and a faculty member in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington. The timing works well after last week’s post created interest in forming an online support group.

After discussing a couple of familiar therapies, this week’s post explores the subject of support groups for attempt survivors. “This is a sensitive topic,” Stephen writes. “I have noticed many of my colleagues recoiling at the idea of groups where the content focuses explicitly on suicidal ideation, out of fear that it may actually lead group members to feel more suicidal and reinforce self-harm behaviors.”

But be sure to read on.

View original post 1,501 more words

UGH..another plan down the drain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

UGH For the first time in years, I am having a problem connecting to the internet at Starbucks! This sucks because I wanted to look up lyrics for my lyric book and hopefully work on my other book today. But now it looks like I will just work on my other book. And my blog.

I started thinking about what I was going to write. Last night I was too tired for the demons to come out. I actually thought I would be up will at least 2200 but I was a goner before that time. I was watching the movie Lincoln and really don’t know what time I passed out. The thing that sucked was that I woke up at 6:30 in the morning. I fell back to sleep after I had something to eat. Now I am having my coffee and I am contemplating what to have for lunch. I need to get some more Gatorade as I am running low. I have to take it with my meds as water sometimes causes some of the pills to dissolve quickly in my mouth and it is gross.

It is very difficult writing this book. I am all over the place with my thoughts. I still cannot connect to the internet while at Starbucks. I guess I will upload this when I get home.

I am feeling a little lost today. I was supposed to kill myself today. That was the plan for the longest time. And like I thought, I don’t feel like killing myself. But that doesn’t mean that I am not suicidal. I just feel like I let myself down, again. I don’t know why I bother saying I am going to kill myself if I am not going to go ahead with it. I think I am just the “cry wolf” so many times that I actually don’t think I am capable of killing myself despite coming up with elaborate plans to do so. All that planning has gone to waste. I find it depressing that I am not living yet I can’t die. I really wish my body would wake up and realize how dead I feel inside all the time. I can’t feel happiness. I can’t feel joy. All I feel is this emptiness inside that is killing me. I really feel that if my feelings were connected to my autonomic system, maybe I would have the chance of dying in my sleep.

I am fricken cold in the Starbucks today. I meant to bring a long sleeved t-shirt but I forgot it. I actually have no idea where my long sleeved t-shirts are. I think they are buried with my other winter clothes. I have an hour before the bus gets here. I just missed the one I could have taken but I really want to get a few pages of my book writing in.

I started re-reading the article on suicide reaction and it just further justifies the reasons why I should be dead and not living. I feel I have no future. I really thought I would be dead this weekend so I have stopped thinking about what the next few weeks will bring. Or months.

My writing friend has come up with giving rewards for writing as an incentive. My gift to myself this month is getting Luke Bryan’s new CD. And possibly Keith Urban’s new one as well. It all depends on what is left over after I pay my bills for the month. I hate budgeting. I feel like I need to get a job just to have spending money for the month. But as long as I am still owing money for my LTD, I can’t get a job. This so sucks. I don’t even know if I will be able to find a job. I have been out of work for a year now and even though I kind of like my new routine, it is pretty boring. My only respite is getting out for coffee each day, other than going out for doctors appointments. I just don’t know if I can handle the challenge of working again. I am so fearful that mentally I will have a breakdown because it will be too stressful or that the voices will be too much and I will have to quit. I really would love to work for Starbucks but I am not sure I can stand for eight hours or more. I know that I won’t be able to do stock because I can’t lift anything heavier than fifteen pounds. And I can’t bend over because of my back issues. I really just need a desk job but then I worry that I will have lose my insurance. I know I will lose it once the LTD stops. I will then have to go on the state plan and hope that my primary doc accepts it. I don’t know if I will have to pay for it. I hope I don’t because I am on disability. I also have been thinking of applying for food stamps because I can’t afford food shopping in my budget right now. I have been living off whatever my mother cooks and buys but it would be nice to have my own food, which she doesn’t like. Granted I buy the cold cuts that are “expensive” but it is what I like. Boar’s Head is not cheap but it is so good. I also like getting the PF Chang Chinese frozen dinners that you just heat up on the stove. Again my mother doesn’t like this but I do. It beats buying $20 (USD) of take out Chinese but the down side is no appetizers. But this month I plan on treating myself to Chinese because I didn’t kill myself. I think that is a good enough reason…

Chronic Pain and Living

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

I have tried to take my life several times over the years. Currently, I am struggling with the difficulties of trying to stay alive. I keep coming up with plans to end my life. I give myself a date and when that day comes, I plan on ending it. This has been going on for a few years now. My therapist has been able to stop the constriction by telling me how my family will feel and how she will feel if I go ahead and take my life. I can’t help making these plans.

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I recently been trying to get at the “root” of my suicidality but the feelings evade me. I just know that between the ages of 5 and 8 something happened that made me want to take my life. And by age 10 I tried by putting a pillow case over my head. No one knew about this. I told my mother right before putting the pillow case I was going to kill myself but she did nothing. My confidence in her dwindled that day. I felt I could no longer trust her.

Five years later I am a freshman in high school and my parents had started World War III. They broke up and so did my wrist. I started cutting to relieve the pressure and pain. I used cutting to relieve the psychological pain that I was feel and it became my friend over the next seven or so years. Sixteen I was hospitalized and everyone found out about the voices. That was tough. I had wanted to join the military to get away from my family but having a psychotic diagnosis, I knew that I never would pass their tests. My career was over before it started and I fell into a worse depression. I kept on getting rehospitalized, like every three months, because I just couldn’t handle my life. I was getting worse and the suicidality was getting better. I kept on thinking that I was the end.

As I suffer from delusions and psychosis, two years ago, I had a funny thing happen. I had the delusion and voice of Allah tell me that I should sacrifice myself so that the war in Afgan would stop. As you probably could tell, I was off my meds again. My psychiatrist doesn’t think that I should be on them all the time because of the side effects. I had to re-start taking them because I was the sacrificial lamb and I believed all this earnestly. Allah was talking to me and I was the cause of the war of Afganistan. The only way to stop the war was to stop my life. So again I planned another scheme to end my life. Only this time, like before, my therapist stopped me. I tried very hard to get her to see that it had to be done and to think of all the soldiers I would save by ending my life. It seemed like a good win win. Sacrifice one life so all could be saved. Isn’t that what the military does? Allah was not too happy when I started again on my meds. He was very angry. And he also wanted me to end my life anyway because it was better than taking medication. I agreed with him on this but I couldn’t end my life. By this time I was back in the hospital. I was still delusional, thinking I was still the “one” to save it all. But as the medication started working, the delusions dropped and I began to see more clearly. The voices went away except for my regular voices that I hear all the time.

Since that time, a lot has changed for me. I have become disabled and am in chronic physical pain. I now too have a plan on killing myself and it is to happen some time this year. I have had enough. No pill can adequately control my pain and it is a tough position to live in. I have a condition known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). It is a neurological disorder in which the nerves are out of whack and no one really knows the cause. I was “lucky” in that I had nerve damage already to my ankle and then when I sprained it, twice, I think it allowed the nerve damage to spread. Of course I also don’t walk correctly. I can stand here and give a lecture about pain and suicidal but I am afraid it will fall on deaf ears or not really reach the people it needs to reach. I wish you could say that you can live your life with chronic pain but I would be lying. There was a time when I was able to. I had adequate pain control and could work a full time job. That ended when instead of being placed on a regular psych unit, I was placed in a detox unit and my pain medication was stopped. Since that time in 2002, I have not had adequate pain control and I am afraid to ask. I have my pain meds but it only treats the physical type of pain that I experience. It doesn’t help with the burning sensation or the other electrical type pain that I experience. And nothing helps these types of pain. No cream or pain gel works. It might be enough to take the edge off so I can sleep but I am always in a 3-4 state of pain every single day and when my activity goes up, showering, getting dressed, walking to the bus stop or standing while waiting for the bus, then the pain also goes up. Sometimes all it takes is my moving my big toe and I am in pain. And with each episode, I think about death. I plan it, I imagine it, I dream of it. I no longer am able to work because I can’t walk more than 300 ft. I can’t lift things greater than 10 lbs. I can’t stand more than 20 minutes. And I am only 37. I got this horrendous condition when I was 25. It was a long battle and I wish that I could say that not working is helping me. In some ways it does. It helps me to write and distress. My voices are at a lower key than they were when I had a job. I don’t have the delusions as much. I just am constantly suicidal. And maybe one day I will. But as one of the bloggers Toni has written, “I am not living and I can’t die”.