Category: suicide

Dysphoria of sorts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide

All I want to be is DONE.

I didn’t know what to write about today. It’s taken me a long while to come up with something to write. I tried writing in my journal while I was at Starbucks but I just left a blank page. I have been feeling paranoid lately. I feel like everyone is watching me. There were a lot more people in the store today than there usually is so I guess it kind of prevented me writing. I was also really hot and wanted to just sit in the air conditioned room. I also wanted to enjoy my new iced coffee, Kati Kati. I got an email from Starbucks last night about it and so tried it today. It is a little stronger than my Isla Flores but it is ok. I loved it! It was the one joy on this dismal day.

I had therapy this afternoon. I really didn’t want to talk but then I got really suicidal. I had fantasies where I would hang myself off the back porch while my family would be at my cousin’s house for the 4th of July BBQ. We worked out a safety plan that didn’t include me downing a bottle of one of my medication. I am to write and go through my crisis response plan (to what that entails, check out this blog). If these things don’t work, I am to try and get in touch with my therapist, psychiatrist, or go to the hospital. I truly have crashed. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I have no motivation. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

I knew this crash was coming. I just didn’t think it would come this fast. I think it just came at the beginning of this grief that I am feeling. I also am feeling trapped by living. I don’t want to live. I just want to die. Life to me is just worthless. Nothing gives me pleasure except that one coffee I have from Starbucks a day. And watching baseball games. Least I can get lost for a little while watching the games because each pitch keeps me entertained. I love when the batter keeps fouling pitches and the at-bat count gets about five. My sox are good at working the pitch count in their favor.

I texted my therapist about what to write. She told me to write about something but I forgot what that is. I think it was on feeling trapped but that has many definitions. I feel trapped because I am now forced to live this thing called life and I don’t want to. I feel trapped because I am in the wrong body. And that truly is what is depressing me. I know my hormones are still going whacky. I just think that this whole business of transitioning to another gender is too hard. I can’t even talk about it anymore. I am starting to feel like a freak. Sure I can dress in male clothes all I want but that doesn’t help my huge chest. I wish they were just man boobs (which I guess technically they are) but it distresses me. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror because I am ugly. I know that I have some form of body dysmorphic dysphoria. But if I already am dysphoric in general, does that mean that I have all the other dysphorias? I have gender identity disorder, how can I not. I want to kill myself because I am in the wrong body. I want to be a boy. And sadly, I don’t think that is ever going to happen because of my damn menstrual cycle. In order for me to get rid of my menses, I had to pretty much tell the doc that I get more than just the typical depression with my periods. I get down right suicidal. So pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder was tacked on to my list of diagnoses. Another female diagnosis. It is a good thing that I don’t have access to guns. I think I would have blown my brains out by now.

Four Buses to Perform my Civic Duty

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to take four buses today to vote for the Mass Senate election today. It would have been five had my cousin not dropped me off at Starbucks first. And it is hot and muggy out. I thought I was going to fry while waiting for my third bus.

UGH, Just got a text from my baseball network tweets that my favorite infielder is going to AAA and another infielder that I never heard of is taking his place. Took me I don’t know how many scrolls to figure out that this guy was an infielder because in the tweet that I got, it also listed the backup catcher on the 60-day disabled list. I wasn’t sure if we got another catcher or infielder. Wish they would be more clear but I understand that you have only so many letters to tweet.

I have a week off of therapy. I am glad as yesterday’s session annoyed me. She was the inquisitor asking me fifty million questions ranging from how I am doing to how I was feeling to when my next appointment was with my primary. I felt like I was getting drilled. And then we talked more about my suicidal plan. Today she wanted to know what I wanted to talk about but I had no clue. We tried to keep it light but it ended up going over to the dark side for a bit. She still insists that I cannot kill myself in the month of August and September. And I am like, the other months are ok? Killing myself in December would be ok? I just don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if I really want to kill myself. I haven’t been in intense pain for the past couple of weeks. We also talked about pain, but she kept referring to psychache and I was talking about my physical. Talk about being on opposite sides. On the other hand I could just kill myself because I can. I am just so torn. If I continue to live, would it be okay for me to do so? I know that might be a silly question, but given on hell bent I am/was on killing myself, wouldn’t I go against my own personal principles? Not like there is a law that says I have to. No one can really order me to kill myself (other than perhaps the voices in my head, which they have done before). Only I can make or break that decision. I guess since I have been feeling a little bit better, the land of the living seems ok, for now. But I also brought up the point that if I am in the throws of a flare up, I would be wishing for death and then feel a betrayal to myself for not following through.

In the midst of this, I have been reading Lincoln’s Melancholy. Lincoln has to be the my most favorite person in the world. I know he lived more than 160 yrs before I was born, before the time of even recognizing mental illness for what it is now. He suffered through I don’t know how many major depressive episodes and somehow got through them without killing himself. He once said during his first presidency, that he would have killed himself but what kind of message would that bring to the southern states? I have always admired him. He is the true staple of what resiliency is.

During our discussion in therapy, I brought up my scars on my wrist. My therapist said that I would get through this time like I have in the past, like my scars tell me. She kept on telling me that was what I wrote. At first I had no idea what she was talking about until I figured out it was this blog she was referring to. I forgot that I sent it to her. My mind is like a sieve. Soon as things filter their way through, I forget I did them. I probably won’t remember half of what I am writing here today. I guess it is a way for my head to get rid of what I am feeling in that moment.

I am eight hundred views shy of reaching ten thousand views. If I reach it before July 18th, that will be awesome. That is the start of my blog. Hard to believe my blog will be a year old. I just got five new followers within the last twenty-four hours. I surpassed two hundred. I would call my blog successful, I guess. But then I don’t know how my blog fairs with say the new AAS blog. I am sure they have more readers than I do, but I do get some filtering in when I post there or when someone reads the “who we are” page. I have fun writing for them.

hypomania sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Been going through a difficult past few days. I have been feeling up, almost happy, and I find it disturbing because I never have felt that way before. If I have I don’t remember it and it definitely has not lasted more than a day or so. I know it’s better than being down but I just am not used to being this way. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just am not accustomed to feeling this way.

I wrote a blog this morning but I had the need to write another one tonight. I just can’t help but think that there is going to be some gloom soon because of the way I have been feeling. My cousin says that maybe I am “getting out of it”, what ever that means. I know that I can’t be happy for too long. I just don’t trust it. I also know that when I crash, I will crash big time. And I am not looking forward to it. I know it will happen, maybe not right away but it will happen. That is the pattern of being bipolar, though I mostly stay on the depression spectrum rather than the hypomania side of things. I just dread it because I know that I most likely will have to go into the hospital and I am not looking forward to that either. Every time I have crashed, I have needed to go in the hospital because I got intensely suicidal. How is that different than what I am planning? Easy, I just become more impulsive about taking my life and feel the urge to do so. It becomes a compulsion that I need to get out of my system so I don’t feel such misery. But after this phase passes, I am usually back to my norm and won’t feel good again for a long while. The last time I felt this good was back in 2002. I kid you not. I go for stretches of time between hypomania. That is why I am worried. But this time I am on a good mood stabilizer so I am hoping that by increasing it or tinkering with it, will bring me back to the doom and gloom that I always feel. I am comfortable with that. It’s not pleasant but it’s my norm.

fuck its

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Feeling wicked distraught right now. I have breakthrough bleeding and it just kicked up my fuckits big time. I don’t know why this keeps happening. I am on the patch and I am hoping it doesn’t last more than a few days but I am really tired of this crap. I know that it’s the natural law of things for a woman but I am not a woman. I am a man and this thing just messes with my head. Now the suicidal tendencies have returned and I don’t like it one bit. I am so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know what to do.

Every time this happens, I feel like a little piece of me dies. The one wish that I could truly live as a man without menses is never going to be fulfilled. I am having cramps so that can’t be good. I just feel cursed. I know it is because I am in my fourth week of the patch. It’s almost like my body is saying you are going to bleed anyways and I don’t care what kind of hormones you throw at me. I guess I will just have to take a break from the patch this week and see what happens. I will have to go back to wearing woman’s underpants and feminine products. This saddens me to no end. I could cry right now.