How I feel right now is pitiful indeed. My thoughts are surrounded by suicidal ideation and I really don’t think I can get out this month without trying to end my life. The feelings are hard pressed. They cut through me like a knife, they hit me deep within my soul. The midnight demons I call them are going to kill me one day. I just cannot seem to stop thinking of ending my life. I have a date and how I am going to do it. I just need to figure out the where and what time. No one will stop me. I have decided that I am not going to tell anyone except this online blog. I know that what I am feeling right now will change by morning and I won’t feel this way again until after the midnight hour. The pain is horrible and fills every crevice of my being. I can’t go on feeling like this but it is just a moment. I have to try and remember that and that it will pass. I get so tired of feeling this way all the time. I plan to the nth degree the end of my suffering in detail and then when the time comes to execute my plan, I most of the time do not have the energy to do it or the will or the feeling to say, yea my time has come. I feel evil and demonic and most of all crazy with this feeling of I have to get rid of this feeling. It’s like a never ending game and it hits every year. I feel trapped and isolated. No one knows my suffering. No one really cares that I am suffering. NO one wants me to die but I don’t want to live. These moments will pass but the thoughts are all that I will have left on this blog. I doubt by morning light I will not remember this turmoil I am going through right now. It is killing me with every fiber of my being not to act on the impulse that I feel. But I do not want to be found in my house. I will find a hotel room and do my deed there or just drive some place off in the horizon. This moment will pass…this moment will pass…this moment will pass…
Category: suicide
ramblings 7
I am totally wiped out doing nothing. I have been feeling low the past week or so and it just gets worse. I have a hard time motivating myself to get dressed or to take a shower. I just don’t feel like it. Today I wanted to make a pumpkin pie but I bought the wrong kind of pie crust. Least according to my mother I did. I am too lazy to go back to S&S to return it.
My foot has been aching since Friday. I don’t know why my foot always bothers me more on weekends than during the week. It also makes me just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I was able to write a story about my attempt this weekend. I am trying to write another paper about psychache and the assessment for it but I don’t think I have the energy for it and I hate it. I just can’t get my thoughts together about what I want to say in this paper, which is part of the problem and the other half of it is procrastination. Why I am procrastinating is puzzling. It’s not like I have a deadline for this. It is just a paper that I am writing for fun. I want to analyze about psychache and the assessments used for it, almost like a compare/contrast. Problem lies that my meds are making it difficult to concentrate on my paper and reading the articles supporting my argument. I hate taking meds affecting my thinking but I have no choice. It’s either take them or end up back in the nut house.
Disappointed the Pats lost due to one stinking point. They had the lead and they blew it to lose by one stinking point!! ARGH!!!!
In my baseball world, Detroit beat the Skankees 3 zip at home in the Bronx, taking a 2-0 ALDS lead. Sweet revenge having them lose at home. I hope Detroit continues to win and beat those overpaid bastards.
Moodwise I have been in a miserable mood. Mostly stemming from a bad relationship. But I’m over it. I just wish my heart can move on as quickly as my mind can.
finding comfort in a bell jar
I am reading A. Alvarez’s A savage God. I have just read the part where Plath finds comfort in Lowell’s pain of losing his mind. Isn’t that the essence of mental illness, taking comfort in another’s pain? I do not mean that we wish each other harm, just that it is comforting to know that we are not the only ones that are suffering so.
Lowell had talked about his breakdowns and subsequent hospitalizations which lead to my current one just a few weeks ago. No one really knows that I was again hospitalized because I have not really told anyone other than those close to me. No one would suspect that I have been. I had been psychotic the past few weeks and now that I am on meds I am “well again”. I am reading Plath and how every decade she attempted suicide doesn’t bode well inside of me. I have yet to attempt anything in over a decade now and I feel that the longer I wait, the longer and more fruitful it will be for soon no one with suspect that I have thought such things. No one will suspect that my depression has gone astray, that it has gone away and I am well now. But physical pain is more of a reality than my psychache is these days.
ramblings 6: ambivalence about suicide
Past few days I have been in my own world. I just have been obsessed with my blog. Been catching every spam message as they have been piling up and just been checking my stats, watching my readership go up with each passing day. Today I was blessed with six Google searches that found my blog.
Not only have I been on Facebook for the majority of my time and on my other profiles (I currently have four active profiles for my ONE game that I play, but that is my other obsession), I also have been on Pubmed doing a search for any research articles that have my real name attached to it. I found that I have another researcher with the same last name in Italy. He is probably a relative that I don’t know or maybe he is not related at all. I don’t know. I have tried to ask family members about him but no one knows this guy so I am guessing that he is not a relative, just like not all Smiths are related.
My mood has been bleak. Today is cold and rainy and I just do not feel like braving the weather to go to the post office to mail some things. I just do not have the energy today to get dressed. I also been itching to write something useful but the few things I have scratched on paper have not amounted to anything more than a thought. This morning I reviewed what I wrote and I could hardly remember the feeling that went with the thought much less than what I wanted to write about. I had heard last night on the radio two songs that mean a lot to me. The first was Martina McBride’s “How Far” and the second was Sugarland’s “stuck like glue”. Two songs that don’t really relate to anything much less each other but in my emotional state last night I felt that they were intertwined with some purpose and meaning. Today I am lost for what that meaning was. From what I am trying to recall, it had to do with the ambivalence of suicide, how far can you go to want to end your life and stuck like glue when you want to cling to life with all your might. The infamous, I want to die and live at the same time. It’s an epiphany that most people who think of suicide think about. They don’t want to live but they don’t want to die either. A chorus of Sugarland’s song:
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won’t you do it and do it one time?
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I’m never letting this go-ooo
Chorus from Martina’s McBride’s song:
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So, I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far
With Suicidal thinking, the walls go up and you isolate. You don’t think about the outside world, just think about how much pain you are in and how much you want to end it. I have been thinking about this for a long time and I sometimes think that I will be better off but my nieces are a reminder that I can’t end my pain to start theirs. I am truly stuck like glue and it sometimes sucks really bad knowing I can’t end my life because someone else will suffer. I do not want someone to suffer because of me.
midnightdemons7 
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