Category: suicide

Pain is at it again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!

A day gone to hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A day gone to hell

I woke up not feeling good. I was a little nauseous after dealing with the stupid phone company to turn my phone back on. I then had a shake, thinking it was because I was hungry but the shake just made the nausea worse. I figure I would skip the diet today and have real food. I went to Starbucks and had a breakfast sandwich and my espresso. I started to feel dizzy and then sick so I waited for the next bus to come before heading home. The dizziness got worse on the ride home. I knew I was in trouble.

I got home and there were packages on my door. They were heavy and I knew I couldn’t carry them up the stairs without passing out so I took them in the house and then went upstairs. My mother was in the middle of a coughing fit and needed water. I quickly got her some. The dizziness was coming and going. I needed to go to my room and relax. I made it up the stairs without incident and then took some meds and laid down. All this did was set off my ankle pain. So in addition to my head ready to explode, my ankle bone was being pounded by an imaginary hammer. I took some pain meds and prayed for death at this point.

The migraine went away but then I was left with a residual headache. Took some Excedrin for that and I still don’t have relief but at least I can tolerate light. I also took some more Zofran as my stomach was still queasy. It’s quieting down but I still feel sick. I don’t want my ankle to act up again so I am just lying still and praying the pain goes away and that the pain meds don’t make me sicker than what I am.

All of this is not helping my suicidality. I wish there was a way for me to get arsenic pills or hemlock. That would be easier than the unknown of taking a bunch of pills and praying for death that may not come. I never should have gotten rid of the lethal meds I had in my possession at one point. I thought my suicidality would be over with once my pain meds were increased and I had adequate coverage every month. Stupid me for thinking that. Bargaining is my worse enemy. I don’t know why I bother hoping for things anymore when I know things are going to be the same or worse than what they are.

I can’t stand being in chronic pain anymore. And if my doc decides to prescribe me the extended release medication I would like, I have to finagle the bagel to afford it for a few months. That is if I want to live that long. I wanted to send a letter to my psychiatrist about my plans. But I am scared she might flip out on me. I see her Friday. I can try and talk about it then. I won’t bother telling my therapist because she won’t be my therapist that much longer.

I took an Ativan so my PTSD doesn’t flare up on me with all this pain. I’m already starting to feel anxious, which isn’t doing me any favors. I am glad I didn’t finish my coffee. I keep burping it up. I hope I don’t puke. But I need to lie down before my head explodes or I just pass out from my pain meds. I need sleep. But I am scared my ankle pain will increase once I lie down. Such a dilemma. I really don’t want the imaginary hammer to come back, pounding on my ankle bone. That wasn’t pleasant. It literally took the breath out of me it hurt so bad. Such is this stupid pain syndrome without a name.