Category: suicide

Random 142

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 142

My TiVo is on the fritz. It keeps telling me that the internal temp is too high and then shuts off. It’s had a long life, 14 years. Only thing is, I don’t want to buy a replacement because you have to pay monthly. I might get cable DVR services but I will have to have a strict talk with my mother if I do. I don’t want her cancelling my shows because she wants to watch hers if I am paying for it. I already missed at least three episodes of Bones because of this. I don’t want to miss the season.

I went over my father’s and did what I had to do. I then left. He gave me some chicken cutlets so I had that for lunch. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens but I just wasn’t up for it. I was hurting, tired, and needed food and coffee. I said that I would go later but this coffee is having no effect on my tiredness so I might take a nap. Being up in the middle of the night and then sleeping did me no favors. I had to buy my father bread other wise I would have slept later. It’s a good thing I went when I did because they only had 4 loaves left. He still complains about the bread, wanting to know where I bought it, as if I make it at home. Guy is ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or what, but I am wicked down. I met my cousin on the bus ride home and she reminded me again that I was turning the big number. I wanted to smack her. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal over it. It’s just a number. I will be that number for a fucking year so I don’t understand why they are making a big deal. I hate my birthday and I rather die this weekend than live to see it in a few days. I have four bottles of pills that I can use to kill myself this weekend. But I am too scared that I will just get sick and live that it’s not even worth trying. This depresses me to no end. I feel like I am such a failure or wimp for not even trying.

I am not even trying to be positive or hopeful. I just hope I don’t wake up one morning. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing gives me pleasure. I just want to die. I want to cease to exist. My therapist thinks otherwise. She can’t envision a life without me in it. Awkward how that is. But then we have been working so long together, I think she is a little codependent on me. I know my death will devastate her as will a lot of people including my family.

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.

Random 234

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 234

I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.

I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.

I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.

I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.

I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.