Category: suicide

Moods Have Changed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Moods have changed

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up like every two hours. I had to change position because I was in pain. It totally sucked. Around 0830, I thought I would shower but my mother was in the bathroom. So I decided to wait. Then I had to go and it wasn’t pleasant. I was still in pain every time I had a number 2. Seems like today is shit day because that is all I have been doing since 0900. I wanted to go out but that is not possible. I went to Walgreens okay but that is a short walk. I have two extremes, loose soft/diarrhea stools or hard as rocks stools. Even with the senna, I don’t have a medium. Only time I have one is when I have regular movements which seem far and in between. I am so damn miserable.

I had therapy today and we talked about all that has happened since we last talked. We talked about the insults my father gave me, the drinking, and, inevitably, my suicidality. I have picked a date and I am moving towards a plan. Fuck this pain shit. Fuck my father. I can’t stand either, one more than the other, you choose which. I don’t care anymore. She wanted me to come out to see her but I don’t have the funds to. I don’t get paid till my birthday. I will be dead by then, I hope.

We talked about my writing. She asked what will become of it once I am gone. I told her it will just stay on my laptop. No one will do anything with it. Right now, my “book” is barely fifty pages. No one knows the files. I am not that organized. And besides, some of the stuff is on my blog anyways so anyone could make a book out of it. I just don’t care anymore.

My therapist asked me what would be the one thing that wouldn’t make me so suicidal. I didn’t have an answer for her. She then asked what my reasons for living were. I told her none. I hate when she goes through these things. It always makes me feel a little guilty. And that is all that she was trying to do, was lay a guilt trip on me so I would continue to be. Why would I want to live when every time I have a damn bowel movement, I have pain as well, sometimes for hours? She brought up getting an MRI but I am too scared to know the results. I know there have been changes in my back. I can feel it. Whether or not it requires surgery, that is a different matter. And I am copping out before I know the truth. I see my PCP next week and we have a lot to discuss. I doubt MRI is going to be on the agenda. It’s going to be our last meeting as he is leaving. My thigh pain seemed to have settled down, which has settled down my PTSD symptoms. But I am tired of being in pain or wondering when I am going to get hit with CES x 3. I can’t go on like this. I feel like I am on a shaky rope and someone has finally cut the other end of it. I am dangling at the edge and no one sees it or can help me get up. So I am giving up. I will fall to my death.

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.

Mensch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Mensch

My therapist and I were talking about my suicidality and she called me a mensch. At first, I thought she said wench and I was like wow, she is calling me a bad name for the first time. But when I asked her to repeat it, she said Mensch, with an “m”. She looked it up in her dictionary to find the meaning. I laughed because she had the book not an electronic one on her phone like most people now a days. I sometimes forget they still exist. Anyways, the word mensch means “person of integrity and honor”. I had to look up the spelling of the word (as I had no clue how to spell Jewish words. She said it was a Jewish word.) Leave it to her to call me that when I feel like crap. It does fit me, though I would always be expected to be called something other than that, given how I feel.

Time went slower today in session than it did yesterday. We were talking about how my father always gives me a hard time and just expects me to jump when he calls. He called today and wanted me to go over to his house for his meds as he was out. I couldn’t go because my ankle was a bitch. It was raining anyways, which didn’t help my pain levels at all. I asked my sister to go as she works down the street from him. I told her what he needed for tonight and I would fill the rest tomorrow. She texted back that he was running low on one of his meds. Great. I would either have to call the pharmacy or the doctor’s office tomorrow. I won’t know until I get there. He didn’t care that I was in pain. How typical. All this guy cares about is himself and his needs. Makes me sick.

So my therapist talked about this for a while. We also talked about me not wanting to be around for my birthday that is coming up in a couple weeks. She told me it is unlikely that I will be talking to her that day. Her daughter has a half day of school and she needs to be out of the office to pick her up. She has a short week that week so I don’t know if we can schedule another time. Not that it really matters. I really don’t want anyone making a fuss about it. My family included. They are planning this big party but they aren’t sure where they are going to have it. I don’t even know when or where it is going to be. I told them I would rather just have it with just my immediate family members (my nieces, nephew, mother, father, and sisters) than have it with extended family. But my sisters are not hearing me. It’s making me upset. I rather they do it at my youngest sister’s place when her kitchen is all finished. I’ll still be the same number so what is the big deal? And with me just not wanting to be here anyway, it’s just increasing my suicidality.

I finished off the SSD paperwork and will be mailing it in tomorrow. I wasn’t leaving the house today unless it was burning down. I just hurt too much. My therapist was happy with what I wrote. I just hope that the SSD people see that I am still disabled. I might not have been in the hospital for a year now, but that is the only improvement. I might have to be if this birthday thing gets worse. I was also telling my therapist that I don’t want to be here because of the increase in pain and would try something after I say goodbye to my PCP for the last time. He is leaving the practice and I will be seeing someone I don’t know. I just can’t deal with change and stress. My therapist pointed out that she is not going anywhere and that I can’t leave my pdoc hanging while she is recovering from surgery. Usually her saying these things makes me re-think things about my death but not this time. I think I am in deep constriction and I want a way out. Come to think of it, talking to her the same day as the day I see my PCP will be the last time I talk to her, too. Only thing is, I don’t really have a plan. Going to have to think of one between now and then.

After our session, I took some pain meds as my ankle was really hurting. I was waiting for the session to end to take them because I didn’t want to be loopy Lou while talking to her. I’m still feeling loopy Lou because I haven’t been able to sleep off the meds. I just can’t seem to fall asleep when I lie down. If I am sitting up, I am dozing off but soon as I lie down, forget it, I am awake. I have gotten so used to my pain waking me up and startling me that I think lying down just gives me flashbacks and I am unable to relax enough to sleep. That is why it takes me so damn long to actually fall asleep sometimes. Last night despite me telling Twitter world that I was passing out, it took me at least an hour to actually do so. It really sucks having PTSD.

Hurting Really Bad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting really bad

I went out to have dinner with my friend. I am paying the price because I was standing/walking too long while waiting for him. I was early and I was hot as I got stuck on a warm train so I didn’t go into the restaurant to sit and wait for him. I was at my boiling point and really wanted to take off not only my jacket but also my sweater and be just in a t-shirt. I felt funny going to that level and didn’t go there. But the pain that I am feeling right now, I don’t want to go out the rest of the week. Unfortunately I have to and that is killing me. I don’t have to go out tomorrow so I am having a rest day. I am doing two, possibly three things tomorrow: having therapy, calling my father to remind him of his appointment, and possibly call the dentist if I remember. I need a cleaning as it’s been almost two years. I hate the dentist.

Like I thought, my therapy appointment went by so fast and we talked a lot about everything that went on between last Wednesday and today. She does think I had some kind of withdrawal thing going on, though it isn’t too clear because I also didn’t eat and it could have been hypoglycemia as well. We talked about the SSD review that I am under. If she doesn’t think I should add something more to what I already wrote, then I will mail it Thursday when I am out and about again. I am not looking forward to it. I hope that my father doesn’t need a damn wheelchair because I might just run him over with it. I also need to go to his house after his medical appointment to do his fucking meds. I had a hard time filling my meds this week. I just was too depressed to fill it for the week. So I played hodgepodge. I just took what I felt like taking but I filled it before I left the house to have dinner with my friend.

I had a nice time out. It’s a shame that it ended with my ankle flaring up. Right now the pain is at an 8/9 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain. If it goes up a notch or two, I am going to have to take the strong pain pill again. If I do, I can kiss having a BM this week goodbye. I just will be too constipated. Hate this side effect of my pain meds. Having a BM is so painful, sometimes I just want to die because it hurts so bad. Add in being constipated and hard stools and I really want to kill myself.