Category: transgender

Sleepy and painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, transgender

I woke up in the middle of the night because of pain. I had a flare up before I went to sleep which caused another psychotic episode. I was scared as the voices were so loud.

The staff woke me up around 815. I didn’t like that at all. Then my bladder said to get up so I did. I kind of missed breakfast so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I met with my social worker. She played voicemail tag with my therapist. Did I mention he is an idiot? He told her I was having conflicts at home that lead to my hospitalization. What those conflicts are, I have no idea. Guess he was paying more attention to his nails than telling him my pain was driving me nuts. I’m really pissed.

The covering doc saw me next and I told him I wanted a med change but was waiting for my doc to email me back. She was ok with it. I’ll be started on Invega tonight.

I went to group and during the group therapy I came out as trans. It felt good to have everyone’s support. Now hopefully they will use the right pronouns. 

I was really tired after lunch so I took a nap. I slept until some alarm went off. I thought it was the fire alarm so got up. By the time I put my sandals on, the sound stopped. I went back to sleep.

Pain had been up and down. Not too bad but it could get worse tonight. I’m still sleepy. I really don’t want to nap again so I made a cup of tea. I brought some with me as the hospital doesn’t have the kind I like. I kind of made it too sweet but oh well. I’ll know for next time to use two packets of sugar.

Saturday Blog 84

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Saturday Blog 84

I woke up around 10 because my bladder said to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I made coffee. After my coffee, I went to Walgreens to pick up my script. It was really hot out but not humid. As I was trying to find my dark chocolate, I came across an ankle compression sleeve that supposedly helps your heel. I hope it will help my Achilles. It was $13 so I bought it. I will use it the next time I go out or when my Achilles flares up around the house.

I had no problems walking, which was good. I never know if my ankle is going to go berserk on me or not. I didn’t wear my AFO brace. I thought about going to the square but I had my burger fix last night. I am just going to lay low today and maybe read Huck Finn as I haven’t touched it in more than a month now. I am half way through reading it. I am getting behind my reading because my pain is so bad I don’t feel like cracking open a book.

I joined a CRPS group on Facebook. It is mostly people in the UK but I haven’t been able to get accepted in any US based groups. I requested to join and haven’t had a response. It’s been good joining this group as people have been responsive to my posts and seem more accepting than the other group I was in. I left it because there were people against my use of opioids for my treatment of pain. They are under the idiotic impression that it’s just an addicting drug and shouldn’t be used at all, only for short term use. It’s bullshit as I would be dead without my meds. The pain is not relieved by any other drug that I have tried.

Today is Boston Pride day and there is a huge parade in Boston. I don’t go because I don’t like crowds. They give me anxiety. So on Twitter, I talked about coming out as trans. I wrote a little story about it using the hashtag Pride2017. I got one like and that was for my post on my memoir. I don’t care. If people read my story, hope it can help others struggling with coming out. I will write a longer blog about it later today. I want to talk about it because it is freeing and lifts my burden. Eventually I will come out to my mother. I am getting close to getting the courage to tell her. I know she isn’t going to accept me for being a man. That is the only thing keeping me from telling her because I fear her rejection of me. It’s bad enough she doesn’t like my haircuts and the clothes I wear.

My new watch came in yesterday and today for some reason, I feel naked without it on. I usually don’t wear it in the house because I have my phone to tell me the time and date. Guess I am just excited that I have a new watch. Tomorrow I think I might go to my little cousin’s graduation party. It’s going to be a long day for me so I am not sure I can handle it. I feel like using a zipcar just so I can have my own transportation home if I need to leave. I can only handle the family events for so long before I get bored and my ankle acts up. My cousin’s house is by the beach. I think the weather is going to be similar today but a few degrees cooler. It will be perfect beach weather. I am not a beach person but I do like to stick my feet in the water. I just hope my pain is manageable tomorrow or it’s going to be difficult for me to go. We’ll see though.

TG issues 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

TG Issues 9

I have been meaning all week to go to the LGBTQ health center website for information about transitioning. It seems fairly straight forward, but I need a physical. So I call my PCP’s office to schedule one and they changed my existing upcoming appointment with my provider to a physical, in Oct! UGH. Four months I have to wait. I knew it would take time and maybe by then I will change my name.

Other than seeking out information, I did nothing else today. I tried to make a bacon sandwich but the bacon was just fatty with hardly any meat. I threw some of it away because I wasn’t going to eat it. I made the little pieces of meat and had it with toast. I told my mother I wanted penne pasta with gravy so I took a container out of the freezer so we can have it tonight.

While my mother was out, I shave the sides and back of my head till it was smooth as a baby’s behind. It looks kind of weird but I love it. I think the back is a little uneven but there is nothing I can do about it. I might ask my sister to straighten it out. It will grow back even though. It always does.

I was in pain and since I am low on my regular pain meds, I have been using Neurontin. I fell asleep again, hard like I did yesterday. I only woke up because my mother was calling and I had to use the bathroom. I had a shit load of messages on my phone. I have never seen the message bar all lit up before. My watch came in, which I was happy about. The rest of the messages were stupid. I read them while I was in the bathroom. My meds are ready to be picked up. I’ll go tomorrow as I am not feeling like going. Maybe I can get some dark chocolate while I am there.

A friend of mine in England wrote me a private message on FB. She wanted to know that she supports my decision for transitioning and she doesn’t care as I am an amazing person to her. It was a nice message. I haven’t responded because I am kind of overwhelmed with all that she wrote. It’s hard for me to take compliments and have them sink in. I still think I am a piece of shit so it’s really hard for me to hear that I am not and that I mean something to someone that isn’t a family member. I was glad she was so supportive. It means a lot to me because I come from such a judgmental family.

I hope my mother is cooking because I am starving. The Neurontin is making me really hungry. I have eaten more than one meal today, which is good. I am trying to pace myself but I can’t control the hunger cravings. It’s a good thing I don’t have the things I want to have because I would be eating all day. I am going to go to the Square tomorrow to buy burgers. I was going to go to a place but I figure for the price of a burger, I can get a six/seven pack and rolls.

Dinner was good. I had two bowls of pasta. I couldn’t help myself. It was so good. My ankle is hurting me. Earlier in the day as I was going up the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step and kicked it instead of stepping on it. The bottom of my foot is still smarting and my ankle is loving it. I had to take one of my regular pain meds for it.

It’s hot today so I have had the AC running for a little while. I got cold and shut it off. Then it got hot again so it’s back on. I’ll probably keep it on during the night, unless the temp drops and it’s too cold to have it on. You never know with New England how it’s going to be in the night.

don’t call me daughter 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 3

Warning I am very tired so this might be a little ragged and out of sorts…

I’m having withdrawal symptoms because I forgot to take my pain meds before therapy. I usually take it when I reach his office because it’s around the time I usually take it. Idiot I am. Anyways, I came to a realization after therapy that got me thinking of the title of this blog.

We were talking and he absentmindedly called me a she instead of a he. I guess my reaction was unconscious because he quickly corrected himself. I realized after therapy as I was walking to the station why my mother had upset me so much yesterday and that was because she called me “daughter”. Any female pronouns or use of the word “daughter” will set off a suicidal cascade, which we talked about in therapy. Well, not so much about being the wrong gender but the fact she called me a lazy bastard on Mother’s day.

We spent some time talking about it. He wanted to know my plan because he got the sense I was suicidal. Sometimes I am without me knowing about it because it’s second nature to me. When he miscued and called me a she instead of a he, I really felt degraded. I have been thinking about talking about transgender with him the last 24 hours and I just didn’t bring it up today because the whole Mother’s day incident really had me upset.

I didn’t talk about the nerve pain that sent me over the edge over the weekend and that I was feeling while in his office. I had a bowel movement and it hurt really bad. It wasn’t a crime scene like it was the other day but I was still bleeding a lot. I am going to have to see my doc about what I can do because the pain is so damn bad. He is too new to talk to about this stuff. I wish I could just send him my blogs but he wants me to read them to him. I don’t like reading what I write up, unless it’s a clinical paper or something.

I really need to talk about the transgender piece because it drives me to suicide whenever my mother calls me a “Miss” or “my dear” in her condescending tone that she uses. I just feel so misunderstood about who I am though I know I am a male but to the world I am a fucking female because of the fucking things on my chest.