Tag: back pain

document 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Document 4

I keep forgetting to close Word when I finish a document so now I am up to “Document 4”. Seemed to be a fitting title so I used it. I am wicked excited for baseball tonight. I have 8 hours until the Sox play Cleveland. Pretty Ricky is playing on the mound so it should be a good game. My mother is making my favorite, chicken cacciatore. It smells so damn good.

I got a call from the psych intake. I have an appointment with the CBT person, in fucking Nov!! WTF seriously?? I guess it’s better than December, but still. And it’s not at MGH but a satellite office near Government Center. Wonderful. I will have to switch train lines to get to where I am going seeing as I can’t walk down the street anymore. It will be nice to see the new Govt center station though. It is nice inside but I haven’t seen the outside. Maybe I will post some pics when I go.

Back is still hurting so I decided to make coffee. I also had a little breakfast as I was kind of hungry. I wanted to have the cherry breakfast bars but I couldn’t find them so I had the mixed berry kind. It was still good. I need to shower today and I don’t know how it’s going to go because I can barely stand for more than a few minutes. I have been trying to stretch out my lower back but it hurts more to do the exercises.

I think part of the reason my back is flared up today is because I am constipated. I just went and some of my back pain dissipated. I wish I could control the constipation better but the strong pain meds always bangs me up real good. I am surprised I went today. I am glad I did because the pain was getting really bad. I won’t be going out today because I made my coffee but I might step outside for a little bit. I really need to find out what the hell all the banging is about. It’s driving me nuts. Someone that is over the street next to me is doing some kind of construction and it is loud!

I am feeling kind of down today. I have the “do nothings”, though I really should be doing something. I really need to wash my bedding but that is going to take some work because I need to clear off my bed with all the shit on it, including my “office”. And doing it with an injured back is not a good idea. Maybe I can do it over the weekend, provided I don’t have any set backs with my back hurting me.

I need to go out tomorrow for my NP appointment. I hope that I can make it in one piece. I won’t be able to wear my brace as that will just annoy my back further. I will take my cane with me just in case my foot decides to not work anymore. I am nervous about meeting some one new that doesn’t know my situation. I just hope I don’t have to pee in a cup.

Back pain and heating pads

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Back pain and heating pads

I have been in agony most of the day with my back. It doesn’t want to move it’s normal way so it’s hurting me. Any movement that I make, I am in severe pain. I just was able to get it under control using my strong pain pills and a heating pad. I didn’t think a heating pad was going to work but it did. Now that I have slept most of the afternoon and evening, I can’t go to sleep.

My mind is wondering in a million directions. I am thinking of dying because that is what I think of when I can’t sleep and I am in pain. I took some Aleve to help with the pain because I am almost out of my regular pain pills. I get to see a new NP on Friday to get a refill. Oh joy. I hope she isn’t a hard ass.

I have been thinking of making the pumpkin cake again. I would make the pumpkin fluff but I don’t have vanilla pudding. I rather have the cake anyway. I can only make one dessert because I have just one can of pumpkin. I finished off the pumpkin cupcakes today. I don’t think I will make them again unless I use a different liner. The paper one that I used stuck to the cupcake making it very difficult to remove. Didn’t help that the pumpkin became all watery like. It was still good but was gooey.

I texted my therapist that I wanted to die. I don’t see why I have to live. What is the point exactly? To be in pain all the time? I am tired of being in pain. If it’s not back pain, it’s ankle or foot pain. I can’t walk with either pain. Just standing is difficult. I feel like an old crooked man as I can’t stand straight anymore. It’s just something I shouldn’t have to go through. The depression is worse every day and so is the suicidal stuff. The pain is just the icing on the cake. All I have to do is put my plan into motion. And why can’t I? Why can’t I just end my life?

I really wanted to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the MFA in Boston. But if I can’t stand for more than a few seconds, I don’t see how that is going to be possible. I am so damn sad at this. I had bought membership to the museum so I can go a few times as I know it wouldn’t be possible to see everything in one go. Now that I am ill, I can’t go and her exhibit is only for another few weeks. Damn temperature changes causing my back to go out like a damn switch. Happens every fucking year. It’s below 50 degrees right now so I am going to be hurting tomorrow. I just seriously hope by some miracle, my back is okay enough to go into Boston to see the NP to get my prescription. I have tried doing some exercises but those just cause me more pain. I am fucked.

Some good news and not so good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Some good news and not so good

I went out with friends tonight. It was good but the bad news is my back went out on me even before I left Boston. I couldn’t stand up straight to save my life. Bad news for someone with back trouble. As the night went on, the pain got worse. I basically had to crawl home, which I didn’t not like at all. But it was good seeing my friends and the kids which continue to grow a few feet every time I see them. They already are taller than I am, which is nothing new.

The really good news came today in regards to the CBT counselor. The intake person called me today during therapy, which I will get to in a few. I called back after therapy and I will be meeting a resident for the sessions. The resident should call me sometime this week to set up an appointment, otherwise, I have to wait until December and there is no way I can wait that long. So my date is off the table, for now.

I haven’t told my therapist this, at all. I didn’t want to give her hopes up nor mine. I was really thinking that my suicidal past was going to keep me from going to see someone. Once they find out I have a therapist, I am not sure how it is going to fly. I know it will have to be on days that I am not having my therapy, otherwise my insurance won’t cover both services. I hope the type of CBT that I will have is centered on pain and not depression. I know what is involved with the CBT stuff and depression and that isn’t something I want to go through. I had one session over 20 years ago and it didn’t go too well. I believe that it does help some people, but I am not some people. I need something to help me manage my pain better. If not then there is not point in seeing someone and I will make that very clear to the resident.

My therapist was giving me a song and dance today about how I should still be around. She is the only therapist that I know that doesn’t talk about hospitalizations when suicide is present. She will if it comes to it but she kind of knows I won’t go for it unless I bring it up and then she is for it. But lately, I been finding the hospital to be more trouble than it’s worth. Even their discharge papers they have sent my therapist have shown they are confused about the kind of care that I need and how to address my transgender. One paragraph had “her”, then next had “him” or “he” in it. It was ridiculous. And this is the leader in the psychiatry field, not some shmuck hospital.

She really doesn’t want me to end my life, obviously. She keeps saying that if I die, I will be breaking “us” up. I don’t really know what that means. It has me wicked confused. I feel like I have been put in a relationship status of some kind and I had no idea about it. The more she says it, the more I want to run away from her, and fast.

After I found out about the CBT stuff, I planned out how I was going to tell my therapist as I would be seeing her in person tomorrow. However, those plans have changed as my back is at less than 50%. I am not going to stress walking to the car and then having to worry about an hour’s drive to and back. I’ll just be out the rest of the week and that won’t be good. But I set my clock for 0645 tomorrow. If I am not in any pain, I will keep the Zipcar reservation. If I am in pain, I will cancel it. I have until 0730 to cancel.

My therapist really wants to see me tomorrow. I really want to see her too, but it might not be possible. I really want to give her the cupcakes I made. If I don’t see her, that means they will be all mine and that isn’t a good thing. I might be able to pawn them off to my brother in law but I know he won’t have more than one or two. If I cancel the zipcar, I will just schedule it for another day next week. The cupcakes won’t be good but I can always whip up another cake for her. I really like the cake better than the cupcakes anyway. But then, I am a cake person.

One Goal Accomplished

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

One goal accomplished

I finally was able to take a shower at the expense of taking out my back. The temp jumped to 58 degrees and I felt it. Now I am not doing anything. I am going to have to cancel my babysitting duties tonight because I just can’t sit without pain. I feel better, a little bit, emotionally after the shower. I felt like I accomplished something on this dreary day.

I keep thinking about my ex-friend and how she said I had some nerve calling her sick. I said no such thing. I said she needed help and she should get it before she harmed herself. She then proceeded to tell me how bad a person I was. I actually tried to get support from my support group because it got me so upset and one person said I shouldn’t have said that. WTF. I deleted the post. It was getting me no where. So much for a support group. But then, this group is very judgmental. I think I need to find another support group.

I still feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist next week. She finally got back to me with an appointment. I am going to ask her for some sertraline. I know my mood isn’t so black physically but the mental side, I am fearful of another suicidal depression. My appetite today has been better than it has been all week. The heaviness is what worries me. It always keeps me weighed down and struggling for air. It’s also making feel like bawling.

All I want to eat for supper is a bowl of cereal and we are out of milk. I’d walk to the store and get some but my back will kill me. I should have gone earlier but I was too weighed down with the black dog. Maybe tomorrow I will have my cereal. It’s been almost three weeks that I have been craving it but because my appetite has been so poor, I just couldn’t eat it. Maybe I can borrow some from my sister.

I have been wearing my progressive glasses for most of the week. I have noticed that I am seeing better with them on than wearing the single vision. For the first time ever, I was able to read with them on. It could be that I was reading a tablet and not a book, but I still read. I filled out the doctor’s form for my loans. A doc was supposed to fill it out but because the doc doesn’t know me, I figure I help her out some. I will bring a blank on with me just in case when I see her, if I can’t get what I need from SSD.

I hate it when my thoughts are slow. It’s taken me over two hours to write this blog. I just feel so out of it. I just plan on laying low the rest of the evening and maybe finish a book tonight. That is, if my thoughts cooperate with me. I haven’t felt this way since I was doped up on trilafon in the hospital. It’s awful when your thoughts are moving at a turtle pace.