Tag: baseball

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

I had decided to do my PT exercises today. I printed them out after I spent nearly a half hour trying to get the battery contrast settings to “normal”. When I somewhat “fixed” it, I then rebooted and hit F2 quickly to check what the settings were in the bios. Sure enough, they were at 0. Fucking fuck. I put it to 100%, restarted, and then changed the settings I played with. Once that was done, I put the laptop aside. I struggled with the stupid body pillow, which at this point, I want to throw out the goddamn window. But it is helping with sleeping on my side and aligning my hips while I sleep.

I then did the exercises. I was only able to do about three or four outward motion with my left. I knew I was lucky to get that much. I had no problems doing the right. Then I did the others. I tried the one standing and adjusting my posture. My back DID NOT LIKE IT! I am still hurting. My spine is aching so bad. I took some advil and I am sure the constipation I am feeling isn’t helping. I woke up late so didn’t take Miralax. I just been taking fiber pills. Taking three things for the movement of bowels is hard. It’s worse when neither works. I went a little bit last night. It was better than nothing. I was hoping to get on top of it today but sleep interfered. I woke up at 8 to take my morning meds. I should have stayed up but didn’t and I regret that decision.

So now I have a heating pad on my back because it is sore with the AC on. Hope it works other than making me hot. I finished Dostoevsky’s Brother’s Karamazov today. Figures the last chapter had nothing to do with the plot!! I am just grateful it wasn’t long. I wrote a review on Goodreads. I plan on starting Dr. Stacey Freedenthal’s “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is supposed to be good. Maybe it will help me be a little more hopeful and get me out of this funk. I am almost 90% sure I will end my life soon, though I am playing with the dates, again.

Tomorrow will be really hot. Twenty degrees hotter than today, which also does not help my back pain. It is also going to be yucky humid. I heard one school system has closed due to the extreme heat. That isn’t good.

Sox won today. I went to update the standings in my Twitter profile. I checked the MLB standings as I couldn’t remember if I did it or not yesterday. Seems I missed the whole Seattle series. OOPS. I corrected it. I made mention of wins or losses but never changed my profile to reflect it. Oh well. It is correct now.

Today my sister said she wasn’t having a BBQ but just throwing things on the grill. HAHAHA I got my brother in law a gift for Father’s day. He liked it. I had bought it for myself but it wasn’t what I expected. I am still looking for a keychain nail clipper with a file. I had one on my last set of keys but I lost them. I still haven’t been able to find them. I know I had them because I walked in the house. What I did after that point is a mystery. I was in a lot of pain and just want to rest so things were a blur. I have been careful where I set my keys down now. I have to remember to take them as they are in the kitchen. I don’t want to leave the house without them.

This morning, my cousin’s mother in law sent me a couple of pictures of my father set in a Jesus frame. My heart shattered in a million pieces. She sent them through FB messenger. For some reason, messenger downloads the images to my phone and I quickly deleted them. I didn’t want to see them. It hurt too much. I know she didn’t mean me no harm but it was unexpected. Sometimes as I flick through my phone and see the folder that I have of my father just gets me in ways. Even in death he is torturing me.

jump then fall

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Jump then fall

Honestly had no idea what to name today’s blog and I am listening to Taylor Swift’s song, Jump then Fall so just chose that as a title.

I read one LONG chapter of Brother’s Karamazov. It was typical Dostoevsky. The chapter had nothing to do with the story. It was about one of the character’s interacting with a hallucination due to his illness. I was just reading to get through it, so I don’t even remember what it was exactly about. I made myself a new goal for the week. That if I finish this book, I will then read the Harry Potter series, again. I can’t help it. I follow a couple of Harry Potter Twitter accounts and they always show quotes from the books/movies and I want to relive it again. I love it so much!

I actually bought another book on the recommendation of Wil Wheaton called All the Birds in The Sky. He said it was good so I will read that along with Harry, if I get that far. I have a lot of things to do this week and my fucking ankle flared up today. I was at my sister’s apartment getting ice. I turned around and almost lost my balance. I didn’t see where my bad foot landed. I went to pick it up to walk to my apartment and it hit the drill that was on the floor. OUCH!!! Instant flare. Fucker. Pain is currently a 12, which is better than it was four hours ago when it happened. I just took a strong pain pills and some dark chocolate to help me feel better. I was talking to my support group friends and told them the chocolate is my “extra strong pain pills.” They wanted to start a post about sweets but were reluctant so I did it. I am not shy, LOL.

My mother said she was going to make spaghetti with my gravy. I was like score! I went downstairs to my sister’s to empty my recycle bin. It was close to overflowing so needed to be emptied. The dinner was ready when I came back upstairs. It wasn’t spaghetti. It was shells. I said so to my mother and she was like, we haven’t had them in a while. UGH. I want spaghetti, not shells!! I ate it anyway. I finished off the last of the meatballs. My mother made the box of the pasta. She can eat it all week.

I filled my med box for the week. I need to take my meds soon. Last night I realized I didn’t take my meds Friday night. I was just so upset over the whole pain doc and pain meds that I just forgot. I thought I did take them but they were still in the box when I took my meds last night. No wonder I had trouble sleeping that night. But my writing bug has been activated. I have been wanting to write all day but kept getting distracted by the internet. Plus the ball game was on so it just didn’t happen. I want to write some more about suicide and getting help, in general. It is not easy seeking help and if you have a past like mine, it is extremely difficult to find another therapist that will take you on. But it is on the mental health professional, not you! If you have a problem with alcohol, it is best to find an addictions counselor rather than a general counselor or therapist. Support groups are invaluable. There are plenty online or even on Facebook. Depends on what you are looking for and how private you want them. Going to a group therapy takes some work. But the peer support work better. People that have alcoholic spouses or parents also can get groups for them that are free. Just need to put a little effort into finding something that works for you. There is a good likelihood that the first person you meet isn’t going to work out for you. It’s like any other relationship. Takes commitment and work. If they don’t work out after 2 or 3 sessions, find someone else or another group. I went through at least three CRPS groups before I found the one I am in. What a difference! The people are friendly and supportive to all members. I also run a support group for CES on Facebook and it is a good group. There are some people that come in with their own agenda, looking for money for themselves or their “cause”. You are going to find that anywhere though. I try not to let those people in because that is no really supportive nor do other members have the money to donate or feel pressure to donate because someone asks. Most are on a fixed budget like me so there might not be extra funds after all bills and meds are paid for the month. I’m fortunate to live with my mother to pay some bills that I couldn’t manage if I lived on my own.

feeling low and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling low and other thoughts

My mood tanked big time today and I don’t know why. I had massive psychache followed by increased suicidal thoughts, which appeared totally out of the blue. I posted them on Twitter as I was just fed up with it. Next thing I know, Twitter sends me an email saying someone reported me out of concern for my safety. WTF. I have no idea who did it but I wrote a tweet to stay off my timeline. Don’t know if that will be effective but at least it is out there.

I don’t understand why talking about being depressed and suicidal without intent is troubling to other people. Maybe I am jaded to it. I could see if I posted ya, I am suicidal and I just took x amount of pills, good bye. But I didn’t. If you read the thread, you can see it was just out of frustration I was writing. I was fearful my account would be suspended but it wasn’t, thank god. I have heard people getting suspended for posting their thoughts when they were not going to act. I understand why people react that way but it still is aggravating to deal with and I think shuts people down so they don’t have a voice online to say what they feel, especially those with mental illness.

I watched a movie and my mood got a little better. All over Twitter there were reports of a kidnapping of a 7 month old baby taken at knife point. That and of course the orange buffoon because he can’t shut his trap for one day. Now he wants to pardon himself. Idiot. If he didn’t do anything wrong, why would there be reason to pardon himself?? I am NOT saying by any means he is innocent but that just screams guilty to me. Mueller needs to hurry the fuck up.

I didn’t do anything today. I thought about going to Walgreens to get my prescription but I just couldn’t bother. I didn’t want to go out in the rain. The temps have been really cool today. I took my night meds early because I kept cramping between my back and ankle. I didn’t want to take 2 mg of Ativan so just took my meds early. There is no Sox game tonight as they are off. Around 4 I was looking at my Twitter timeline trying to find the lineup when I realized they were off.

I finally finished 1984 today. The last 6% was all bullshit or short stories of other stuff the author wrote. That bugs me because I don’t care. When the author says “The End” that should be it!! I am going to try and read Brother Karamazov now. I have about 200 pages or so. Should be fun. I was hoping to get some reading done this weekend but it never happened because of pain.

a day of rest

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A day of rest

I have no idea what time I went to sleep last night. My med alarm went off and I took my pill. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I didn’t want to get up so I just laid there. I got a few messages on my phone. I checked them and one was an email from my psych saying that she was sick and could I come in on Friday same time. I didn’t have my glasses on so I wrote back a reply saying sure and hope you feel better. I then shut my alarm off as I didn’t need to get up. I guess that relaxed me enough for me to go back to sleep until 1500.

I figured I might as well try to eat something as it was now the afternoon, almost dinner time. I had a bowl of cereal and some bacon my mother had made in the morning. I then went back to sleep. It was too late to make the muffins I wanted to bake. I took off the compression sock as I put that on sometime around maybe 0200. Pain was really bad last night. Pain came back after I took it off. It was time for my pain meds so I took them. I really hope it settled down.

My sister called me around 1730, waking me from slumber. I didn’t answer the phone. I haven’t been on social media that much today. For some reason, my internet on my phone is not allowing notifications to come through on my apps. When I shut off the wireless, I got the notifications. I might have to restart the modem.

I am glad my psych canceled today. I really didn’t feel like going out. I am sorry she is sick though. I have been fricken congested all day today with stupid allergies. Probably why I feel so tired. I am going to make a deep dish pizza for dinner and then listen to the Sox. They have lost the last two games. I think the A’s have cursed us this year. We just cannot beat them.

Yesterday in baseball news, a player I do not like named Robinson Cano was suspended 80 games for testing positive for PEDs. The drug was Lasix, furosemide. My mother takes it and she isn’t doing cartwheels!! I am so mad that this common diuretic is banned. Then I find out a pitcher that just came back this season from injury got mad after Cora (Sox manager) pulled him on Saturday that he threw his glove. He must have thrown it more than 100 MPH as he dislocated his shoulder! Now he is complaining about fatigue and overuse. He has only pitched 14 innings!! He is a relief pitcher! What a loser. There was some other news but I don’t remember what it was now. Hope the Sox win tonight. Going to watch them as I heat up my pizza.