Tag: baseball

feeling off and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

Feeling off and other things

I woke up in the middle of the night, again. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so stayed up for a couple of hours. I went back to sleep some time around 5. My med alarm went off around 0730. I shut it off but didn’t take my meds. I just laid there and fell back to sleep. Then my mother called to put on her socks. I took my meds and went to her room. It was a little easier to put on the socks today than it was yesterday. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to snooze for a bit. I was really tired.

I wanted to make pancakes and burritos. I started with the pancakes. They were good. I only made two of the four I made. I’ll probably have them tomorrow morning. I never made the burritos as I got really tired and dizzy like I was going to pass out. I told my mother not to call me for dinner as I wasn’t feeling well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was dizzy and just out of it. Probably because I’ve had no sleep.

It was cold in my room and it took forever to get comfortable. I kept having to adjust my blankets. Then when I got comfortable, my pain spiked. For some reason, I got intense pain near my malleolus that made me cry out. I had such intense suicidal feelings. I felt like another 2 months was too long. I wanted to do it now! I don’t care. I can’t take this stupidity anymore. I had just taken a strong pain pill so after a while, the pain went away and I was able to sleep. I didn’t sleep long. My bladder was threatening to explode so I got up. I was still feeling awful.

I had dinner and watched the rest of the Sox game. We won 3-1. We still have the best record of 13-2 so far. I think it is quite amazing. I still want to go to a game before I die. I want to sit in the seats in the bleachers, section 37. I think those are the best seats because you can see the entire field and scoreboards. I want to be in the first few rows though, not up in the stands, only because of my mobility issues. I know the tickets will be expensive. I think when I last looked they were like $60 or more, depending where you sat. And that was just for one ticket! I remember when they used to be $8 for the same seats!

After I had dinner I was still feeling crappy so went up to my room. I did my med box for the week. I tried to settle down but pain once again shot up. I am so damn tired. I really want to sleep at least 6 hours straight with no interruptions. This sleeping every few hours shit has to stop. I don’t know why I am sleeping so lousy. Yes, I am in pain and that has been the main reason. I think being up most of the day yesterday really messed me up. I don’t like being up in the middle of the night either. I thought for sure I was going to sleep through the night because I was up all day. HA, that was a joke. Maybe I will take some mirtazapine tonight so it will knock me out. The Neurontin I think hasn’t been too effective in putting me to sleep. I also think it might be causing the dizziness because I am not sleeping it off. I won’t be taking it tonight. If I feel better tomorrow, then I can probably say the Neurontin is causing the dizziness for some reason. I don’t know why as I have been taking it for years at relatively the same dose. I only took 600 mg last night instead of 900 mg so not sure why I am so fricken crappy.

Other than seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I have no other appts this week. Tuesday I need to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts for my meds. I was thinking of getting my haircut but I am still on the fence about it. Depends on how I feel. I want to take a shower tonight. I think I will after I take my night meds. Maybe that will help me feel a little better.

insult to injury

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Insult to injury

Not having a good day. I fell asleep around 7 pm last night only to wake up at midnight and stay up till4 or so. I wasn’t in pain, I just couldn’t sleep. I had some waffles as it was close to 12 hours since I last ate and that seemed to settle me. I woke up when my med alarm went off, my foot was bothering me in the atrophied area. It felt like it was going to cramp but wouldn’t. I made breakfast. I was going to make some burritos but wasn’t feeling up to it. Standing was hurting me. I took a shower after I ate, which only aggravated my ankle/foot. I was still having intense pain so emailed my psych to see who to best to see. She said my PCP so I called the office. Of course my doc wasn’t available and I saw the nurse practitioner.

I played with my phone and decided to catch the bus so I could have my espresso and maybe write in my journal. I wore the walking boot because I couldn’t bear weight. It was good because any forward movement caused me pain. I was early when I got to my doctor’s office, though I had to wait an hour to be seen. I wasn’t thrilled about this. I wanted to do shopping but now it wasn’t likely as it was getting late. The NP examined me and said she thought I sprained a ligament. She said that I had weak ligaments because of my surgeries. I didn’t know what surgeries she was talking about as I never had ankle surgery. Just pissed me off. Then she said to ice and elevate it. You don’t use ice if you have CRPS. I said I would elevate it. I had to go down to X-Ray as she said I had pain on my bone (malleolus). She said she would send me a message when the results came in.

So I have a sprain and I am to be in the boot for a week. Just fucking great. It is going to wreck my back. The report of the X-Ray is that there is come changes to my medial malleolus not my lateral. I find this weird as my lateral malleolus (the one that is outward) hurts me more than my medial. It doesn’t make any sense unless the radiologist got it wrong. Going to ask them to look again because I don’t understand how I have pain in the opposite malleolus.

I then fiddled with my time until the Sox game. It got bad. The starting pitcher, Price gave up a lot of runs. Then the relievers did. The $31 Million dollar pitcher said he had a “sensation in his hand” causing him to pitch poorly. OK. There were benches cleared after an exchange of words during a second base play. I got tired of listening to one of the announcers on the radio that tends to piss me off regularly but I have to tolerate him because I can’t watch TV. I am in too much pain tonight to listen to him so shut off the radio. That is when the fun started. Sox scored some runs and it is now 8-6 evil empire in the 5th. And a friend just texted me the top of the 6th. Reliever gave up 2 runs. What a shitshow. I am going to bed. This day has been nothing but awful

Sleepy and Sad Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy and Sad day

I’ve been up since 0630 because I woke up with side effects from the Invega. I had spasticity and spaghetti arms. I took my pain meds, half an Ativan, and BP pill. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so uncomfortable. An hour later I decided I would go to Starbucks and maybe write as I had time to kill, plenty of time.

The bus was late so I didn’t get to Starbucks till after 0815. I was still groggy as I ordered my espresso and breakfast sandwich. I then wondered how I was going to pay for my meal when it dawned on me that I had to open the Starbucks app to pay. Duh. Did I mention I was sleepy? The espresso took longer than heating up my sandwich. There wasn’t many people waiting for their drinks so I don’t know why 5 shots of espresso took so long. As I reached the table where my stuff was, I almost poured my drink out as I put my bag on the floor. Yes, I didn’t put the cover on the reusable mug. Great day I am having. I ate my sandwich and played with my phone. One of my friends had posted a pic of a doc that “sent a letter to the president” about how a person in his ER had tattoos and was smoking brand name cigarettes. Then he said should my tax dollars go to this person because he was on Medicaid. I thought it was very judgmental. The doc in the picture was white. I can only assume the patient was a POC, but I could be wrong. I felt like saying why should the patient be denied health insurance because of what he smokes and that he or she gets tattoos? It really irked me.

I finished my breakfast and took out my journal and notebook. I opened the journal to write for a bit as there was some stuff I wanted to write. I kept glancing at my notebook, wondering what I should write. I was still wondering if I should continue with what I had or start something new. I am totally frozen with this. I know I have to solve it if I want this damn story on paper. Thing is, I wasn’t sure where I was going when I first wrote, so picking it up again might lead no where. I don’t know. I only wrote about a page so it can go anywhere. I just got to move forward some how.

I was getting sleepy. A couple of young people came in Starbucks looking for an outlet. They had another brand of coffee. The guy’s pants was almost to his knees. He had a large overcoat on which was basically preventing everyone from seeing his underwear. I guess they found an outlet to charge their phones. They sat at the opposite end of where I was sitting. I just missed the bus home. I was cold and wanted my bed. The wind made every thing colder. I had to wait an hour for the next bus so I just wrote in my journal.

I came home and tried to snooze but my mother was watching the Price is Right and it was fricken loud. I heard every bell and whistle plus the noise of the audience. It was difficult to sleep. I gave up around noon when the show ended. I had to leave in a half hour to catch the bus to see my therapist.

I brought my therapist some muffins and we talked, mostly about my father. His anniversary is at the end of the month. Hard to believe two years has gone by. I still remember everything the week he died. It all happened pretty fast. I got kind of sad but I was too tired to let it affect me. My therapist said I sounded groggy. I was. He will be off next week so I will see him the following week.

I came home and just wanted sleep. I was still very cold despite the temps going up 10 degrees from the morning. I read Twitter to try and find out about Xander Bogaerts as he hurt his ankle. There wasn’t any new news. I got into bed and for the first time, I wasn’t warm under my fleece blanket. I must have laid there for about 10-15 minutes when my lower leg from the knee down felt like it was going to cramp. I took the other half of Ativan so I wouldn’t cramp. I waited for it to try and settle and then tried laying down again. My ankle was hurting really bad but I didn’t want to sit up again to take pain meds. I was just getting settled when the door bell rang. My mother was screaming for me. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going downstairs. My foot and ankle hurt too much and I knew if I stood, it was going to flare. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me on the phone. It turned out to be my books that I ordered. Fricken UPS had rung the bell.

I checked Twitter after sleeping for about 1.5 hours. My stupid med alarm went off and scared me to death. I wanted to go back to sleep but knew it was going to go off again in forty-five minutes for my night meds. Then I heard Wheel of Fortune so got up. I desperately needed food as the only thing I had eaten was the sandwich from this morning. I had something to eat and found out about Bogey. He cracked his ankle bone. Great. That possibly means 4-8 weeks out. I hope he doesn’t need surgery. He will be out for the season. I feel really bad for him. He had hurt his ankle while chasing a foul ball near the Rays dugout yesterday. I hope he heals quick. I am sad to see him hurt like this the beginning of the season. He was really getting into a groove. I don’t know who will take over his position. It won’t be the same infield with him gone for a while.

Eight and one!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Eight and one!!

For the first time in Red Sox franchise history, the Sox have an opening record of 8-1! They had a huge comeback win in the bottom of the 8th, scoring 6 runs to beat the Rays 8-7! It was so fucking awesome. I was ready to turn off the radio when the hits were just coming left and right. Then I didn’t want to leave my room until the game was over! It was so fucking awesome. I am so happy. There is no game tomorrow (sad face). The game Tues is against the Skankees.

I had an awful night. I didn’t go to sleep until 7 only to wake up a couple hours later because I was hungry. I guess the couple pieces of toast that I had around 4 wasn’t enough to hold me. I had frosted mini wheat cereal. I told my mother I was going back to bed. She called me around noon as her pillow exploded in the washer. What she expected me to do, I have no idea. I am glad I put my phone on do not disturb.

I have therapy tomorrow though I don’t know how much sleep I will be getting tonight. Seems my pain likes to spike and stay up around 2200, making it difficult to sleep. I made a cup of tea after the game and my ankle went berserk. All the bones are aching right now. I am really tired.

I have decided to split my meds so I am not taking so much at night as they seem to be making me feel bloated and in general just bothering my stomach. I take about 12-14 pills at night so I chose the pills that were less likely to make me sleepy. I start tomorrow as I didn’t fill my pill box this morning and I woke up too late to take the meds I wanted to. I plan on taking them in about a half hour to forty-five minutes. I want to take them before 1900 today because I want to be able to try and wind down. Course I tried that last night but I had a pain spike and then an unexpected bowel movement that caused nerve pain in my butt. That was so much fun as sitting hurt until Neurontin kicked in.

The picture on my blog is the mug that my brother in law gave me for Christmas. I thought it was fitting for this post. I have deemed it my tea mug. I was really dying for a cup today. I had ordered some “strong” tea from the UK that my friend on Twitter told me about. I am glad I waited as the first kind I bought but canceled was 100 bags. This order is for 50 bags. I hope I like it. It’s made my Twinning. I usually buy Bigelow tea. I have been on a tea kick lately. I haven’t made coffee at home in at least two weeks. I still drink my espresso at Starbucks. It just tastes different than coffee. I really wasn’t drinking the cups I made, no matter what kind I was making. I just couldn’t drink more than half a cup. The coffee was okay but I just couldn’t drink it. Maybe it is just a phase and I will go back after a while. I hope so. I have four bags of coffee!