Tag: bipolar disorder

brain fuzzy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brain fuzzy

I got up a little after 9. My mother was washing clothes so I knew she wasn’t going to go over my aunt’s. I decided to make coffee. I was still feeling paranoid and my brain was feeling fuzzy. It usually happens after a psychotic episode like I had last night. The paranoia sticks around for a while. I felt like it was too early to call my psych so I just had my coffee and then made a turkey bacon sandwich.

My mother left to go grocery shopping and told me to continue to wash clothes. Then when she got back with the groceries, I had to help her put them away. My ankle was throbbing and I needed a nap. After everything was away, I laid down for an hour but I didn’t sleep. It was really cold in my room from the AC. I just huddled under the blankets.

I paged my psych and talked with her for a bit. She wanted to know if I wanted to go in the hospital and I told her no. I knew they would just drug me up or try me on a second generation drug for psychosis and I didn’t want that. I told her I was just going to stay in my room and maybe read. She said to keep in touch and I told her I would.

My sister called me saying she made a quiche. I don’t feel like having it. I think I am going to make mac and cheese for dinner. It’s been a while since I had that. My ankle is still hurting me. I took some pain meds before I laid down but they don’t seem to be working. I might need my strong pain meds. I really don’t want to take it because it’s been a while since I last had a bowel movement. I have started taking fiber pills but nothing is moving. I don’t want to take too much stuff because then I will be on the toilet all day.

I finished off my dessert today. My mother had a bite and said it tasted like Meringue pie. I said yea, but without the eggs. I don’t know if I will make it again. It was fairly simple. I like simple recipes. Tomorrow I am going to take out the ground beef so Tuesday I can make my gravy I have been wanting to make. I just hope I remember. Maybe I will take it out later tonight so it will thaw all day tomorrow.

I am feeling really hungover for some reason. Just feel like someone is after me but I don’t know who. It’s so frustrating when feeling paranoid. Think I will take 8 mg of trilafon tonight. I still need to fill my med box for the week. I’ll probably do that after I have dinner.

nothing like waking up in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Nothing like waking up in pain

I’ve been up for the past half hour or so and it’s my bladder’s fault. While I was downstairs, I had a piece of my pie that I made. I really wanted to have it before going to bed but I had brushed my teeth. It was worth the wait. I have one slice left and that will be my breakfast. My ankle started acting up soon as I started walking around. Same fucking pain I have been dealing with the past few days. It’s driving me nuts.

I checked my messages. There were some from my friends who clearly do not understand psychosis or being in a psychotic state. You cannot just “snap out of it”. I am not full of shit or “better than that”. I have been hearing voices since I was 5. Sometimes they get out of hand for some reason or another. I have no control over it. I have gotten better at the ignore part, which is what I am going to do with my friends’ responses. It’s just not worth my time to explain this and I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain it.

My brain still feels fuzzy. Before going to bed, I took 8 mg of trilafon. I wanted to take 12 but that would be pushing it as I already have taken 8. The music is still in my brain, twisting lyrics and stuff. I hate this. This is the worse part of the illness. I’m still feeling paranoid. I’m glad the sirens have stopped, least for now.

I’m going to try and go back to sleep. I hope my pain levels allow this to happen.

unraveled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Unraveled

I don’t know what happened after I shaved and showered. The music that I normally hear in my head turned to voices and then I got agitated and paranoid. I really believe ISIS knows where I live and are sending Jihad after me because they know I know their secret. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I would have paged but I wasn’t feeling up to it. She called me anyway and we talked. I hated this. I didn’t want to talk to her. Now I got to call her tomorrow.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this. Three male voices are wanting me to take a bottle of pills so it will be over. I just took an Ativan because the agitation is getting worse. I feel like my psych is in on the killing part and can’t be trusted.

I’m feeling really out of touch though I am trying to stay in touch. It’s really hard when you have so many voices telling you things at once and there are sirens going off. I think they are coming to get me, even though they fade in the distance. It’s sad when you can’t trust your mind and you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

My psych said that I haven’t been like this in a while. It’s true, I haven’t. Nothing set me off. I haven’t felt stressed about anything. I just made my bed when things began to become undone. There haven’t even been ISIS in the news or on my Twitter feed so not sure why this is happening. I feel alone and scared and paranoid that people are out to get me. I am afraid to leave my room.

I was tired but now I am overtired. I got too much on my mind. I don’t know how to get out from this mess I am in. I wish the voices would stop hounding me about taking pills. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working to stop the voices. Maybe I should take more. I don’t know. It’s very weird to feel this way. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t know if this is because of the migraine I have or what. Least my nausea has stopped. I hate feeling agitated. It fuels the voices even more.

I have been trying to distract but it’s not working and music is not a good thing right now because it makes everything louder. My head is feeling like it’s at Fenway park with a full stadium of people. But I am alone in my room with just the AC on. So many voices all talking at once. I need to do this and that now. Just take this and it will all be over. This person is coming to get you. I am so scared.

I haven’t been like this in a long time. I hope that by tomorrow what ever this is, is gone. I don’t want to go to the ER. They just make things worse with the bright lights and the noise. Plus, they don’t believe you when you tell them you are hearing voices anyway. It’s a conspiracy. They just want your insurance money and then transfer you to another unit that is worst.

Saturday Blog 85

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 85

I had a fairly good sleep, though I did wake up around 0500 in pain. I was able to get back to sleep until 1300. I made coffee. My mother came home and said she needed somethings at Walgreens. I told her I would go. I drank my coffee enough so I could put the lid on and got dressed. It was really muggy and I was sweating by the time I got to the store. I got everything she needed and bought myself some turkey bacon. I haven’t had it in a while.

I came home and my shirt was soaked with sweat. I cooled off a bit and then decided to change my sheets. I didn’t have any problems, though my hip was aching me. I then decided to shower. My mother said I had to clean the shower floor because it was dirty from my feet. I don’t understand her logic. After I finished shaving my head, I showered and then cleaned the shower floor. We really need a mat as the floor can be slippery at times. I didn’t get dressed because it was too hot. I told my mother if she showered to be careful as it might be slippery. I then went upstairs to my cold room to get dressed.

I decided I was going to order Pad Thai for a reward for changing my sheets. I checked off medium as a spice level. It was hotter than I thought it would be! Next time, I am ordering mild. My mouth is still burning me. I didn’t finish it but I knew I wasn’t going to reheat it so I tossed what was left.

I was watching the game while waiting for the food and eating it. They currently are losing 1-0. But it’s still early in the game. My head is filled with music and it’s driving me nuts. So I put on my MP3 player. I need music to counteract the music in my head. I think I am getting a migraine. My head hurts. I am really tired from everything that I have done today.

It’s too early to take my night meds, though I would if I could. I am in pain but it’s tolerable. I am not going to do anything the rest of the night. I might read a few chapters of “the Adventures of Maya the Bee”. I would like to finish this book. It’s a cute little story about this bee that goes out of the hive and decides she is not going to return. Every adventure is meeting up with a new insect. She really wants to see what humans are like as she has heard conflicting stories about them.

For some reason, I have been having breast pain and I don’t know why. It is really annoying. I really would love to cut the suckers off. I fucking hate them. I was looking at top surgeons and there are none in the Boston area. There was one in Brookline but he won’t see overweight people. I think I am a little ways from having surgery anyway. I want to be on testosterone for a while before I think of surgery. I have no idea if my insurance will cover it or not. I still would love to lose some weight. I really have to control my eating habits and stop eating desserts. It’s hard though because I love desserts and ice cream. I am still eating my lemon lasagna that I made the other day. No one else is eating it so it’s all mine. I usually have a slice for breakfast. Not the best, I know but it’s so good. It’s almost gone and I won’t make another dessert for now.