Tag: bipolar disorder

bright sun shiny day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bright sun shiny day

It’s 80 degrees or so and slightly humid. I hate it. I wasn’t planning on going out but I had to pick up my jeans. I figure I would also pick up a steak and cheese and some fries for my lunch. Before I even got to the tailors, my ankle started to have spasms. I was screwed. I had to walk really slow and I was sweating really bad. After the tailors, I went to the sub shop for my sandwich and fries. I carefully walked home as it was pretty bad. I was hurting.

I had my sandwich and shared my fries with my mother. They always give you more than a small. I hate to see what a large looks like. I was sweating and it didn’t feel good. I made an ice tea but diluted it with ice so it was mostly water. It was a big cup. I figure I would have some fluids to replenish my lost ones.

After I ate, I went upstairs to change. My ankle was hating me like never before. My t-shirt was soaked so I took it off and I dried myself with a towel that I keep in my room for that purpose. I am always sweating and I think it’s because of the chronic pain that I sweat more. Doesn’t help that today is a hot day. I think I am going to have my brother in law put in my AC tonight because the rest of the week is supposed to be just as hot. I had already took my pain meds around noon so I couldn’t take anymore. I can take my strong pain pill but I will hold off on it. I took an Ativan to quiet the spasms. If the pain gets worse, I will take the pill.

I read a chapter of Robert Lowell. I am trying to get through this book. I have 5 chapters left. I won’t be doing a review on it because I don’t like the book the way it is written. I think it could have been edited so that it wasn’t so big as the author repeated herself several times or the themes of the book are repeated.

I woke up around 0530 because my bladder woke me up. I was able to get back to sleep till around 11 or so. I made coffee and had a bowl of cereal. I really didn’t want to get up but I was hungry. My mother made bacon so I had a few slices.

The Ativan is making me feel sleepy. I think I am going to take a nap for an hour or so. Then I will get back to reading Lowell. I have nothing else planned for the day/evening. Nothing for tomorrow either.

having a rough time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a rough time

I have been in pain all morning. I needed to get my pain meds so I just went out to do that and holy fucking hell broke loose. BOTH ankles are hurting as well as my bad foot/toes. I am home now and going to medicate and relax the rest of the day. I feel bad that I was supposed to see my friends south of Boston but there is no way I can make the journey. I just hurt too much.

I am so flipping tired. It’s really hot today but the end of the week is going to be hotter. I wore shorts and my brace was rubbing against me. It made my calf hurt while I was walking around or even while I was sitting. I don’t know why this is because I never felt that way before. I think it’s just because I am so tired from being in pain all the time.

I seemed to have misplaced my house keys. I know I came into the house on Friday and what I did with them after I came into the house is a mystery. I can’t find them anywhere. It’s really bugging me. I have a spare key that I carry in my wallet in case I lock myself out of the house. I have done that numerous times. I have been using that but I miss having my rewards cards for the different stores I go to. I really hope I find them.

I took a shower when I got up this morning. It started the downhill slide but I pushed through it to get to my PCP’s office and the pharmacy. I keep thinking of suicide. I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her things weren’t good. I am just tired of being in pain and just existing. I am getting so sick of it. I’m sick of my feet being cold all the time and then burning hot when they warm up. I am tired of being tired all the time when I don’t do much activity. I am tired of missing out on social visits because my pain is too bad for traveling. I really just want to die and don’t see a reason for living. It’s just not worth it.

don’t call me daughter 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 3

Warning I am very tired so this might be a little ragged and out of sorts…

I’m having withdrawal symptoms because I forgot to take my pain meds before therapy. I usually take it when I reach his office because it’s around the time I usually take it. Idiot I am. Anyways, I came to a realization after therapy that got me thinking of the title of this blog.

We were talking and he absentmindedly called me a she instead of a he. I guess my reaction was unconscious because he quickly corrected himself. I realized after therapy as I was walking to the station why my mother had upset me so much yesterday and that was because she called me “daughter”. Any female pronouns or use of the word “daughter” will set off a suicidal cascade, which we talked about in therapy. Well, not so much about being the wrong gender but the fact she called me a lazy bastard on Mother’s day.

We spent some time talking about it. He wanted to know my plan because he got the sense I was suicidal. Sometimes I am without me knowing about it because it’s second nature to me. When he miscued and called me a she instead of a he, I really felt degraded. I have been thinking about talking about transgender with him the last 24 hours and I just didn’t bring it up today because the whole Mother’s day incident really had me upset.

I didn’t talk about the nerve pain that sent me over the edge over the weekend and that I was feeling while in his office. I had a bowel movement and it hurt really bad. It wasn’t a crime scene like it was the other day but I was still bleeding a lot. I am going to have to see my doc about what I can do because the pain is so damn bad. He is too new to talk to about this stuff. I wish I could just send him my blogs but he wants me to read them to him. I don’t like reading what I write up, unless it’s a clinical paper or something.

I really need to talk about the transgender piece because it drives me to suicide whenever my mother calls me a “Miss” or “my dear” in her condescending tone that she uses. I just feel so misunderstood about who I am though I know I am a male but to the world I am a fucking female because of the fucking things on my chest.

Monday morning blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday morning blog

I woke up a little while ago because my bladder woke me up. My ankle is hurting me and I am running low on my regular pain meds so I took a strong pain pill. I hope the pain settles down because I have therapy today. I want to go back to sleep but I know if I do, I won’t want to do anything for the rest of the day. I’m waiting for the “queen” to get up so I can make pancakes.

As I was going up the stairs, I felt something pinch my big toe on my bad foot. When I got to the top of the stairs, I found it was a piece of wood. I took it out but don’t know if there is still a piece in there. My toe is throbbing like it’s still being stabbed, but I know that is the nerve pain.

My mother didn’t go out like I was hoping she would. She is washing clothes. I made the pancakes anyway. I didn’t really like them. I put chocolate chips in it and it was too sweet. I usually don’t but wanted to try something different.

I’ll be heading out to Starbucks soon to have my espresso. I am going to try and work on my blog project. It’s raining, which is probably why my pain is through the roof and I have the beginning of a migraine. I took my migraine meds so it will go away. I don’t have time to deal with my head hurting today.

I don’t feel like showering. I did brush my teeth. I really just want to go back to bed and sleep but I have therapy and if I do, I am going to be in a mood. Maybe I can nap on the bus.