Tag: bipolar disorder

a midnight ramble about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A midnight ramble about pain

Guess what? I can’t fucking sleep. I am tired as all hell but my damn foot/ankle is giving me weird pains. I don’t know what to call them as it’s indescribable. I just know it hurts and it’s like it’s pinging because it will start and stop. Then my right ankle is curling up, by itself. That is painful. I had to take an Ativan to calm that shit down. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this because I am not sure it is a side effect of the trilafon or if it is just a fucking nerve thing because of the nerve damage I have suffered. Either way, it’s not pleasant.

I am so glad my city has early voting starting Monday. I am going to get there, though I haven’t quite figured out how yet. I know where City Hall is but as I can’t walk there, getting there by public transportation involves buses. What fun that is going to be. And tomorrow I need to renew my disability pass for the T or I am going to be screwed come Monday as my pass expires on Sunday. I should have gone today but I didn’t feel like it. I will go tomorrow morning. I just pray they transfer the money that I have on the card to the new card. I don’t want to lose the money I have on it.

I joined a Spoonie chat this evening. It was good but very fast paced. It’s about dealing with life with disability or chronic illnesses. I met some interesting people. Some are able to work, others aren’t. It was a fun chat. Then I tried participating in the PTSD chat but it was weird. No one was commenting or asking questions so I left. I think they were watching a video of the chat and then commenting. I find it hard to tweet and watch so it was better that I left. I won’t go to that chat again.

I had to take some more Neurontin for my pain because of the weirdness in my foot/ankle. I think it’s some kind of nerve pain I am experiencing. I had taken 600 mg earlier tonight but I guess it wasn’t enough so I took another dose of 600 mg along with a pain pill. It was gross. The pain pill was bitter and the capsules of Neurontin have a weird taste to them. I should have taken them separately. Oh well, what is done is done. I know better for next time.

I have decided to grow my hair out or try to. I just need a trim right now. I hope the barber shop can give me one. Otherwise, I will have to see my cousin. I don’t mind seeing him but he smokes and then I stink of smoke afterwards. I hate smelling of smoke.

Therapy, Editing, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday. We talked about what went on last night in greater detail. I told her I basically snapped and she said she was glad I went through the crisis response plan. She think there should be a Pain response plan. I told her they would be the same, except I would be taking medications to ease my pain before calling for help, if need be. She read the blog I sent her and she didn’t think it was stupid. I still think it was stupid. I asked her if she thought I should increase my Zoloft and she said that I had grief mixed in with the frustration of being in pain. I figured she was right. The grief of my father needs to come out somehow though it’s tricky because I really have cried in six months other than the last two days where my pain has been outrageous.

I don’t know how, but we started talking about animals and the funny videos that are on the internet. At one point I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. There was one video and I will see if I can post it, about this dog that sees a bear statue and gets scared shitless. Then she was telling me about cats that are afraid of pickles. I need to look those up. It was funnier as my therapist was describing this cats because she was worried about the cats getting scared as they jumped so high.

I woke up around 0930 and then made the mistake of going back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I felt like shit hit me over the head. I was so exhausted. I needed to go out and get my espresso and something to eat. I went to Starbucks, of course, and after I had my drink and something to eat, I edited my book some. I think the first chapter of the book is pretty good. It captures the essence of what it’s like to live in darkness all the time. It’s by far the longest story of the book so needed the most work. I have 120 pages left to edit. That should be easier because the other stories are shorter.

After I did that, I wrote in my journal for a bit then took the bus home. A smelly smoking guy sat next to me and kept on giving me dirty looks. I was glad when he changed seats. Then he kept on giving me dirty looks like I did something wrong. WTF. I just shook my head. I’m surprised my paranoia didn’t creep up but it didn’t. I kept listening to my music until I got to my stop.

The pain in my foot increased a little when I got home. Nothing like yesterday afternoon/early evening but I took a pain pill before it got worse. My sugar pill experiment didn’t work out, much to my surprise (insert sarcasm). It did absolutely nothing for my pain, can you believe that? I guess it’s not in my head. What a relief. Granted it was just one pill but still…

Don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I purchased a Harry Potter coloring book and some crayons. The reward to use them is to clear off my bed so I can change my sheets. I have slowly been taking stuff off my bed, as long as my pain levels allow. Last night my mother came to my room and basically told me to do something with my clothes rather than leave them where they are. OK mom, um, I have no place to put them (no bureaus or closet space) so where else should I dump them? It’s bad enough I don’t have a place for my books. I just have them in piles. But my bedding is my priority. I just hope I can do it by the end of the month, or before the bedding decides to make a run for it.

Tommy Copper Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Tommy Copper Time

My ankle was swollen and I couldn’t find my ace bandage slip-on so I put on the Tommie Copper compression thing. I hope it helps because the pain is still there despite taking all the meds I took. I spent $40 on the thing so I hope it does help the pain and swelling. This is how desperate I have become.

I was going to sleep but I am in pain and I got the damn writing itch so I apologize for all these blogs. I like to write when I am able to because I really can’t sleep unless I get the words out. It’s not that I have a lot to say it’s just that I feel the need to write.

While I was talking with my therapist today, we discussed the picture I am going to place on my new book. It’s one that I chose that is close to 20 years ago. It was take around 24 hours after my niece was born. I helped deliver her and basically cut her out of the pic and just had my mug shot. I really like the pic but having it as my profile pic on Twitter is annoying me so I need to change it to something else. I can’t stand looking at myself for too long. I just start noticing imperfections and then it just spoils the picture for me. My therapist likes the pic as she thinks I look cute. I told her it was an older pic and she said that I don’t age. I said I was about 80 pounds lighter in that photo. I also didn’t have facial hair because I was so “young”. I am not saying that I am old. I believe you are as young as you feel, regardless of your age. If you blog readers want to see my pic, just drop me a comment and I will post it in my next blog. But I must have at least 5 people minimum that want to see it.

I have been resting my foot since I came up from the stairs in agony. Only time I have been on my feet was to check out a growth in the corner of my eye and to take my night meds. I need to see my eye doctor about the growth, though I am not sure what he can do about it. I am only concerned with it because it has grown over the last few weeks. I thought it was eye crud but it hasn’t gone away. Then it looked like a zit so I tried popping it but I can’t because it’s in a weird spot. I don’t think it is a zit, but it is something. UGH.

I am feeling a little better since my last post. I talked to a friend about how I am feeling and found out she has been feeling the same. We both suffer from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) though she is affected on her right side while I am affected on my left. Hers was lower than mine and she only had it once. I have had it twice. I hope her pain is nothing but muscle related pain. I know mine is because I can feel the tightness. If I could just stretch the damn hip I would be so much better but I just don’t have the flexibility I once had. It sucks. I would go to physical therapy but it’s a waste of time because they always give me the same exercises that I have been doing for years. I have been doing them but it doesn’t help so why go? I just need someone to massage the area that hurts and see if that helps it. Unfortunately, I can’t reach where it hurts so me rubbing it is not ideal. Sucks.

I plan on seeing my therapist next week and I think I will stop at McDonalds to have their Big Mac. I have been craving it for a while. I haven’t had McD’s in a long time because the one in the Square closed. I thought it was odd because they just renovated the place and the next week it was done. There is only one left in my town but it’s a hike to get to, least by public transportation anyway. I miss the grease, LOL.

I gave my therapist “homework” to do. It’s not really, but it is important. It’s my LTD paperwork that needs to be filled out by my provider. She will be giving it to me next week when I see her. She is going to have a rough draft filled out so I know what she is telling them. I am glad we can collaborate on this because it’s so important to me. I need the LTD payments to supplement my SSD otherwise I am screwed financially.

I didn’t kill my therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, PTSD

I didn’t kill my therapist

I had told my therapist to text me after she eats my cake but never got a text. I thought I killed her sweet tooth for good. That was until my pain shot up and I had real thoughts of ending things so I texted her our code for her to get back to me ASAP. She was at a professional engagement so couldn’t call me but we texted for a few minutes. She wanted me to go to the ER, which I declined because what were they supposed to do that my doctors couldn’t? And what ER would I go to, the medical side or the psych side? Either would be hours of waiting and I just am not up for waiting. I told my therapist I would take my meds early and hope for the best. I was crying at this point because I am so damn frustrated.

I didn’t really do anything but go up the damn stairs after going to the bathroom. Soon as I felt the pain, I snapped. I started crying and wonder what it would be like to go to my spot right now and take the pills with me. Kind of play with fire and see if I get burned. I didn’t care. Before I did get dressed and try and figure out how to even walk to my destination, I called my therapist. I am laid up but tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately, I have to talk to my therapist so I can’t be running off to my spot to end my life. Not that I could run, but you get my point.

It sucks that I didn’t talk with my therapist. I really could have used hearing her voice one more time today. Now I have to wait till tomorrow to hear it. I hate that I am crying like a baby with being in pain. I don’t know how much of it is because of sadness and how much of it is because of the frustration that I can’t do anything to help myself. I did take a sugar pill to see if it does anything. You know, in case this pain is truly in my head and not in my ankle. So far there has been no change in pain levels. But then I have taken a full dose of pain meds and Neurontin. I haven’t broken out the strong pain pill yet.

I was thinking of writing how traumatizing it is to be in pain all the time, every single day and not have a rhyme or reason. How many people go upstairs every day and not experience what I experience? I say that it is traumatizing because it makes me think of my bigger illness, cauda equina syndrome. When I was first diagnosed, I lost feeling in my lower extremity and my left leg/foot was in pain. So I associate that pain with getting CES. And since that day, because I am vulnerable to PTSD (I already was diagnosed), I keep having mini flashbacks of that terrifying time. No matter how many times I try to talk myself out of the feedback loop that this is happening again, it doesn’t seem to work until I take some Ativan to calm myself down. Then I can think a little clearer and see that it’s not happening. That I am just having a pain flare up and things are going to be okay even though I am in agony. I just need to wait till my pain meds kick in. I sometimes wish I had IV drugs to make it happen quicker because waiting up to 45 minutes is torture.

I really hate talking about trauma stuff because I am in denial that things happened the way they did. I was twenty-five when this happened to me so I really was naïve to the situation. I just thought that I needed some pain meds and some physical therapy and I would be good as new again. I had no idea how serious my condition was and it wasn’t like the doctors were all that helpful. Hell the surgeon told me I would be up in three days. Three days later, I still couldn’t move my feet or toes. It wasn’t until a week later I could move my big toe. Things came back so damn slowly. Then when I thought I was doing better I got hit with a staph infection that really knocked me off my feet again. But that is another story for another day.

When I finally saw my therapist three months later in person, she had said that I was traumatized by the surgery and what my body did to me. I didn’t want to believe her. That was 15 years ago. Now I get it. And it’s this trauma I keep experiencing every single night that is driving me whacky. I am sure my hormone levels are off kilter in some way shape or form from going through this every night. No wonder I can’t fucking sleep. I am too stressed from being stressed. I might not understand it physiologically but I know that eventually this shit is going to kill me if it’s not dealt with.