Tag: bipolar disorder

turn for the worse

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Turn for the worse

I’m feeling extremely low right now. I just read a blog by my favorite actor, Wil Wheaton. He wrote about his depression and I feel so bad about it. It really sucks that he suffers from it like I do. I worry that some day he might take his life during one of his lows.

I am feeling hopeless. I got thoughts swirling around my brain about death and dying. I wish I never flipped through the book and found that stupid lethal dose table. I can’t get the thoughts of overdosing out of my head and now I have a handbook on exactly how much I should take based on my weight. It will take some calculations, but I can do it. I am so tired, just like Wil.

This has gone on for two months now. I don’t think I am ever going to feel any better. I know it’s too early to say whether the antidepressant is going to help me but I doubt it is going to work. I don’t know if I should bother taking it. I just feel so hopeless, like nothing is ever going to feel right again.

The heaviness is back in my chest again. It’s like this huge weight that presses upon me, making it hard to take air in and out. It lingers and stays put, never moving or altering it’s position. It’s just there. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate everything. Nothing brings me joy or pleasure. Food shopping is probably the only thing that I find fun. I order all this stuff and then go back over it when I am not hungry and take things off it. I ordered ribs at $17 a rack. But it’s been so long since I have had them, it might stay on my order.

I have such a strange relationship with food these days. I will either not eat anything or I will eat just small things all day and be bloated. I will crave a certain food but then when it’s cooked up, I can’t eat all of it. Even if it’s a sandwich, I will eat half and then be full. My therapist thinks my stomach has shrunk because I haven’t been eating regularly. But then, I need to lose weight so I don’t mind the give and take go round. I just wish it could be on a steady keel. Like eating small meals every day and not getting the hungry horrors any day. It really sucks.

The fatigue from the depression is the worse. I feel like I could sleep for days but I hardly sleep. Then I will have a day or two where all I do is sleep. I sometimes don’t sleep at night but I will sleep during the day. If I didn’t have to see my father today, I know I would have been in bed all day. I am just so exhausted and I haven’t done anything to warrant it. But then, being in chronic pain doesn’t help. It also sucks the energy right out of you.

I just don’t want to be anymore. I still wonder what it will be like to take my BP medication, all of it and see if it causes an event. I don’t know if it will kill me. Might make me sick and that is what keeps me from doing it. I have tried not to think about these things but being really depressed makes you think of these things. I just want an escape. I am feeling trapped, emotionally, like I am in a prison and there is no way I can break out. My heart hurts so bad. Yet it continues to beat like nothing is going on. My autonomic nervous system doesn’t know that I am dead inside.

I should kill myself. Maybe I should plan another date.

heart doesn’t know to stop beating

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Visited my father. It’s been one thing after another today. He was not in a talkative mood when we came by to see him. I think it was because he was hungry. He had half of the chicken they served for lunch and then he was full. He didn’t drink too much while we were there. My sister tried to get him to drink water but nope. He needs to undergo more testing and then he might be home Monday.

I am hurting. I am starting to think that going out today was probably not a good idea. I did a lot of walking. My ankle and foot are screaming at me. I had gone to the Square to get my Starbucks. I had a soy latte and did some writing in my journal. Then went to see my father. I was falling asleep on the train. I wanted to continue the train ride to the end of the stop rather than getting off, but I had to see my father and get a better understanding of what the plan was.

I have been feeling really depressed the past few days, more so than usual. I keep thinking of the loss of my father but I really can’t imagine it happening anytime soon. I was talking to a friend and she says I got to deal with it. I can’t right now. I haven’t thought about suicide or anything. I still don’t want to be here but killing myself is too much trouble. Soon as I can make it easy I will try though. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I am going to get better. I mean, how many depressive episodes am I to endure? My psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s a disability but I can’t work, I don’t have energy for self-care. I barely shower when I have these episodes or brush my teeth. I feel like death except I am alive. My heart just doesn’t know to stop beating. I am in chronic pain all the time, which doesn’t help the depressions because they feed off each other. I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

I don’t think I will be visiting my father tomorrow unless my sister gives me a ride in. Taking public transportation has just been too much. I am in so much pain. I am exhausted from waiting around and then dealing with the stress of my father’s temperament. You never know if he is going to explode or not. And he wants everything done quickly. I really want my depression to be gone as quickly as it came but I have a feeling it’s going to be sticking around for sometime. I am not hopeful that the sertraline is going to help. I am still at a baby dose. I don’t increase it till Monday. Waiting is something I should be used to with this thing but I am just like my father in that I want to be better now, not later. Unfortunately, that’s not how mental illness works. With my father, he isn’t going to get better. He is going to get worse and then die. I wish I had that luxury, too.

Long exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long exhausting day

I had the appointment with my father and he got admitted. He was peaceful after he had something to eat. He didn’t give us any trouble like he did on Monday. I did a lot of walking as I had to drop off paperwork to my PCP’s office. I am going to try and get her to sign off on me being disabled because I can’t seem to get the information I need from SSD, which to me is ridiculous.

My father was in one building where he was seen by his doc and where he was admitted was like 10 blocks away. I had to walk fast to keep up with the volunteer that was escorting my father to his room. My ankle is fucking killing me. I felt like I walked all over the hospital, which I did. Trouble is, with a bum ankle, things are harder. Then while walking with my sister to the train station, I got the dry heaves. Migraine hit me. I didn’t get dizzy but I got really nauseous and then when the conductor loudly spoke announcements, my head exploded. I was miserable on the ride home.

My sister wanted to eat out but I was broke and nauseous so food wasn’t an option. I told her I would eat a pop tart when I got home. Though at this point it might be a hot dog. But I got to wait till this damn headache is gone and I can walk without pain.

My psychiatrist emailed me today to see how things are going. I told her what was happening. I also asked the resident if he thought my father was in liver failure and he said no. I was relieved. I didn’t tell my psych this. I will when I talk to her next.

Walgreens app, text, and email keeps telling me I need refills. What is annoying is that it doesn’t fucking tell me what medication needs to be refilled! I appreciate the alerts but without knowing what medication it is, it just isn’t helpful! I know I need a bunch. I think I got most of my meds on the same schedule, which is good because until June, I have to pay copays for them. I can just pay for all of them at once rather than one here and there.

I got really mad at my mother this morning. She kept on calling me when I was trying to go back to sleep. She wanted me to call her out for her appointment. I was so annoyed. Then she kept on playing her dice game that just irritated me further. I hate noise in the morning. I am not a morning person. It’s bad enough that today is trash day so I have to listen to hydraulics for most of the morning but to hear die hitting a glass tabletop is just annoying. And she does this over and over and over.

I didn’t have any caffeine today. I think that might be a reason why I got a headache. Right now I am in a lot of pain. I don’t think I am going to make something to eat. My choices are slim and what I really want, I can’t get.

Felt like crap last night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Felt like crap last night

Last night was rough for me. I was overtired. I kept thinking about what my therapist and psychiatrist were saying about my father. I couldn’t settle down because my ankle kept being a bitch. Every time I laid down and move it a little bit to get comfortable, it caused me so much pain. This happens every single night. I move it this way, it hurts. I move it that way, it hurts. I leave it still, it hurts. Because I was so overtired and doped up on my pain meds, I felt nauseous. The voices freaked out. They thought it was because of the Zoloft but I assured them it couldn’t be because the pill peaks in eight hours and it hadn’t been close to four yet. I took another Ativan so my thoughts could settle. I am so glad I didn’t have another espresso drink when I went to Starbucks before seeing my the new PCP. I would never have fallen asleep last night.

I got about 5 hours of sleep. But I am worried about today. My father has agreed to be admitted if they tell him he needs to be (which he does as his breathing sucks right now and he has pain all over). I don’t know if his lung is any worse that is making the breathing worse. He will need a chest x-ray to sort that out. Either way, today is going to be a long fucking day and I have had little sleep.

I woke up because I was roasting under the covers. I checked Twitter and there is a storm on its way. I didn’t look at the numbers because it’s supposed to happen Monday but could go out to sea still. There you have it. Weathermen at their bests, calling a storm that hasn’t arrived yet and freaking everyone out. We are going to be out of milk and bread for days. I, of course, have to be out of the house Monday. I have my pain management appointment.

I’m going to try and go back to sleep. But it’s hard because I feel so awake. I know that if I do, I will feel like shit like I always do when I go back to sleep. I need to get as much rest as possible as today is going to be a long day.