Tag: bipolar disorder

Lost Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lost Sleep

I woke up about an hour ago because I had to pee. Now I can’t go back to sleep because my ankle and toes are having a contest as to who is going to hurt me more. I got to wait for the pain meds to kick in before I hopefully pass out again. I knew I would wake up because I went to bed at 2130.

I had one of my psychologist friends on Twitter respond to a tweet I posted about the black dog and how hopeless I am feeling. She says that I have skills and support to get through this. I don’t know what skills she is talking about. It’s hard to use anything when you feel hopeless. I just think this depression is never going to end because it’s gone on for two months now. The physical symptoms are still there. I still am not sleeping the way I should but my appetite is better. I wish the psychomotor retardation was gone. I’m still having slow thoughts at times. And I am feeling like I am walking through the mud.

We did get snow. A dusting so far but it’s still early. It’s supposed to continue around noon. I think I will be able to handle going out. I just have to find my boots.

I’m still thinking about death, my death. It would be easy if I had a place I can go to actually die but I don’t. I really don’t want to try something at home. I just have no where else to go. I can’t afford a hotel room. That would be ideal. I hate this feeling of being trapped. I wish I had a hideout place or something.

This episode of depression feels like I have never been depressed before in my life. I know that isn’t true and I know that I have had worse depressions than what I am feeling now. I am just so certain that this is going to last forever, that I am not going to get any relief. I think if it was going to pass, it would have passed by now and it just seems to be getting worse. I wasn’t hopeless and now that is increasing as time goes on. My heart is also feeling really heavy and I am not sure I can carry it. It’s the worst feeling in the world being weighed down by your feelings. It makes breathing difficult. It makes everything difficult. I have no energy to get myself dressed to go out. I have trouble reading as my concentration isn’t so great. I sometimes wonder what I was thinking when I increased my reading challenge to 40 books to read this year. I read 6 so far but I haven’t touched a book all week. I just have been reading Twitter and Facebook. I tried reading Dostoevsky last night and my eyes couldn’t keep on track as I was so tired. I finally figured out how to use the highlight function as a bookmark. I have so many books to read and I just am overwhelmed. I have an interest in reading but then I don’t. And I keep buying books because I am a bibliophilic. It’s so hard to read when you have depression. Usually, I can do it. This episode, I cannot. The attention span just isn’t there and neither is the interest. I have lost pleasure in reading. Least this depression I haven’t lost my taste buds. Things have flavor. Last depression, everything tasted bland.

I wish I could sleep. I am getting sleepy as my meds are kicking in. I hope I get to sleep till at least 0900. Otherwise, this day is going to suck.

Snow and Emergencies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Snow in the forecast so of course it is an emergency

My city is ridiculous. They cancel school because the weathermen say there is snow in the forecast. We serious are only getting INCHES but they panic and close school and declare a snow emergency. Now you can only park on one side of the street. Where you are to park, I have no idea. I have a driveway but I feel bad for my cousins that have to park on the street. It’s ridiculous.

I have been in a mood all day. I saw my father. He was complaining of chest pain for most of the day. It didn’t settle down until they gave him morphine. Then when my sister boosted him up on the bed, the pain came back. It’s probably a pulled muscle but you can’t tell him that because it’s on the side where his heart is. He is having a stress test tomorrow so we’ll know more. After we went for his test, I got wicked low. I just got really depressed for no reason at all. I felt like all the air was taken out of me. I have never felt that way before in a public place and certainly not while with family members present. No one noticed my depression, which was good. I wear the mask pretty well.

I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow, which means I have to go out to this damn snow storm that they are saying we are getting, but they can’t decide how many inches we are going to get. Before we left to see my father, it was 4-7 inches. Now it’s 6-8. That is nothing. If it was feet, that would be different. And there is no guarantee it will hit. There is still a chance it could go out to sea. So stupid. You would think technology would be better at predicting storms.

I just hope that my Starbucks will be open so I can get my soy latte. I stupidly had a mocha today, regular not soy, and it went through me while I was visiting my father. I am just grateful the bathroom was near his room. I wasn’t going to use his bathroom because yuck. I did have a soy mocha and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wonder how a snicker latte will be with soy milk. Maybe I will have that tomorrow if I remember.

All the visiting and stress of dealing with my ornery father totally wiped me out. I am barely awake. I am glad it’s close to bed time so I can fill my pill box and take my meds. Fuck. I didn’t fill my pill box today. I hate filling the damn thing every week. I can’t go hodgepodge again. I don’t want the dizzy spells to have a reason to come back. Fuck. And my ankle is sore so I might as well take my meds after I fill it because I don’t think I will be able to stand afterwards. Think I got to get a thirty day pill box or something. I got a lot of med refills this week. I hope it doesn’t cost me a fortune.

No Relief in Sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

No Relief in Sight

I am getting tortured. My soul aches, my ankle is throbbing, and my heart is heavy. I have tried to keep up with the pain but soon as it settles down and I think it’s safe to walk or stand, I am fooled. Then I am hurting twice as much as before. I have been taking my pain meds every few hours. I think I might have to take the stronger pain med tonight to see if I can get relief.

I hate feeling pain all day. I know it’s because I did a lot three days in a row without a break. I am paying for it now. I rather just deal with the depression though. It is the lesser evil. The physical pain will lessen with meds, eventually. I just got to play with doses and that is always difficult. I might take some Neurontin and see if that helps with my pain. It won’t hurt. And it might keep the weird dreams at bay. I usually don’t dream when I take Neurontin.

I keep thinking about death, my own and my father’s. There is no escaping it. Question is, who will die first, me or him. I really think I might go before him if this depression doesn’t resolve itself. It just really sucks that I have to wait another 10 days or so before I know if the meds are going to work. The hopelessness is getting stronger and as it does, my thoughts of death increase. I have been texting my therapist to fill her in on what is going on. I kind of wish I was seeing her Monday. But I know she has a full schedule so I probably won’t.

I have so much hurt inside and I don’t know where it is coming from. It’s like my father’s fluid build up, where don’t know where it is coming from and so it is with my heart ache. I hurt and there is no reason for it. What is worse is that there is nothing I can take for it. Maybe I should have gone on Cymbalta. That is supposed to help with the psychache of depression. I just don’t know why there has to be mental pain when you are depressed. I mean, really? You are already suffering, why add to it? And it’s not a pain that can be measured. Well, technically it can be, but that is just research use not clinically. Mental health professionals rarely use a pain scale with psychache. And that is if they are aware of mental pain. My therapist knows to ask about it because I have done the research. To her, I am a suicidologist. I might not have a degree but I feel that my study into suicide qualifies me as a suicidologist. My library is stocked with suicide books.

I am supposed to do a review of one of my suicide books but I haven’t found the energy to read it. I am so bogged down with negative emotion that it’s hard to read, even my non-suicide books are difficult. I just don’t have the concentration I need to sit through it.

Recently, I joined Netflix and started watching Friends. I love that show. But I can’t binge watch like I used to be able to. Half way through the show I want to stop it and not watch it anymore. I just don’t have the attention span to watch the 25 minutes of the show. So I have been watching just one show a day if I feel up for it.

I hate being in physical pain. I wish there was a magic pill to stop whatever process it is that is causing this pain. But I never know what is causing this pain, just like my psychache. The docs think I have complex regional pain syndrome and I think that is a close diagnosis but I don’t fit into the diagnosis. I don’t have a change in coloration in my foot or ankle. I just have pain every day that goes from my ankle down into my foot.

I never washed my clothes. My mother had put the pans and stuff back on the washer and I just didn’t feel like moving them. So I just put my clothes in the hamper for the next washing. I have other clothes that I can wear. Monday we are supposed to get hit with some kind of storm but the weather man keeps changing the story so I don’t think it’s going to hit Boston. I have to go out regardless as I need to see the NP for my pain meds. I hope by then the new PCP has signed the paperwork that I need. I haven’t heard anything yet and they were supposed to call me when it is ready to be picked up. I think that is another reason why my physical pain is so bad. Something is going to hit and I am feeling it. I am a human barometer. I also never took a shower. I am hurting too much to stand and it’s just not worth it tonight.

The Sox did win today. Luckily, they were rained out after the game was “official”. This preserved the lead.

Saturday Blog 45

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I emailed my psychiatrist the blog I wrote last night before bed. I haven’t heard anything so either she hasn’t read it or is not concerned. I had weird dreams last night. I also woke up around 0330 in pain. That was so much fun. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep but I feel really groggy.

My hopelessness is still kicking around. I had emailed a friend about my current mental status and she wants me to stay on the medication. She also told me I am not useless like I feel I am. She is a good friend. We both get each other.

I am still in pain after I woke up about an hour ago. I really need to rest my ankle so I won’t be going to the hospital today. My sister can visit him if she needs to. I know she is stressing out too.

One of the weird dreams I had was of me being back in the hospital, except the hospital was my house that I grew up in. It was weird because I was in pain so decided to go to my room to get some pain meds. I decided to take three pills in the dream. I didn’t give a fuck because I was angry. In the same dream my sister pissed me off because she told me to “buck up”. I yelled at her and told her not to ever tell me that again.

My mother is making chicken cutlets tonight for dinner. We haven’t had cutlets in a long time so I am glad she is making them. I just hope I can eat a few. My appetite hasn’t been to great today. I wanted to make eggs this morning but I went back to sleep and didn’t wake up till 1400. I made a French bread pizza for lunch. I barely finished it. Now all I want to do is go back to sleep.

While I was waiting for the pizza to cook, I watched a little baseball. It was weird because we were playing to cardinals and both teams were wearing red jerseys. Right now, the sox have the lead. Hope they don’t blow it. They have lost their last 10 games in a row. Not a good feeling.

I feel really depressed and exhausted. My thoughts are still slow. Last night, talking to the voices was painful. I would start a sentence and then stop in the middle of it because I couldn’t get the words out. I hope the sertraline can do something for this symptom of depression because it is so annoying.

I got to wash my pants and sweatpants some time today. I will need clean clothes for next week as I know I will be traveling to the hospital and then to my father’s apartment when he gets out. They are my favorite clothes right now so I really need to wash them. I also need to shower. I never had a chance to shower last night like I wanted to because the pain in my ankle got so bad. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. I keep my night meds on my bureau because it helps me to stretch after sitting for so long on my bed. I wouldn’t want to keep them on my night stand because it’s too tempting not to get up.