Tag: bipolar disorder

Soap Opera Season has Begun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Soap Opera Season Has Begun

It’s only day three of Spring training for the Red Sox and already it’s turning into a circus. Hanley can’t handle a throw from shortstop so gave Boegarts an error. I am lucky I didn’t see it because I would have been pissed. I am pissed just hearing about it. Then later this evening, a female Sox reporter resigns because her love life can’t include a member of the Sox. Supposedly she had relations with the skipper, Farrell. Whether these relations are continuing or have ended, hasn’t been publicly announced. I don’t understand what business it is for the press to be involved in such matters but they are just looking for a story. And it has begun. I am sure the drama at first base will continue as well as this developing story of the skipper’s love life. I wonder if baseball is going to get covered at all…

I texted my therapist several time today. I was giving her updates on the status of my appointment with my psychiatrist, which I still don’t have. My psych has not responded to the multiple emails I have sent her. I waited a good amount of time for a response. We’ll see if I get one on Monday. I am not going to bother emailing on the weekend, unless something comes up.

I also told my therapist that a slime ball inspirational speaker wants to meet my ex-therapist. I don’t know why I should care but I do. I wanted to respond with “yea, he is a great guy (therapist), but you are an asshole” but I didn’t. This guy, the speaker, pisses me off and I don’t know why. I am sure jealousy is an element on some level. He wrote a book about his experience with jumping off a bridge and surviving. When he was a teen. He is now an adult. I just find his story suspicious and every one is oooing and ahhhing over him. I understand how it is to go through a suicidal episode but you cannot tell me that he hasn’t once thought of ending his life since that day he was rescued. That he is “cured” of being suicidal. And I think that is what pisses me off about him, that he is selling something that isn’t true. I have never heard his story or read his book, so I really don’t know if there have been other suicidal episodes that he discloses. And yes I will admit to being jealous because I too wrote a book about my experience and got fucking no where with it. The only time I get an acknowledgement from the same people this clown hangs around with is when I write academic papers. Other than that, people don’t want to hear my daily struggle with suicide.

I am glad I have this blog because, honestly, I have met some pretty great people that are better than these professionals that I have met on Twitter. There is one clinician that will acknowledge me every now and then, but it’s mostly my physical pain that he responds to. I don’t know when I became a bitter person. Probably when the lab shafted me after 14 years of giving them 110% every time I worked no matter my mental or physical illness was doing to me. I was a body to them and a brain they needed to sort through the shit and foul ups of others. I’ll never forget when a resident came by the lab with four tubes of CSF and had no fucking clue what she wanted tested but expected us to know. Then when one of the tests were short, she didn’t know the difference between mad cow disease and Alzheimer’s. Really??? You are post medical school and studying neurology and you don’t know the fucking difference between these two diseases other than they affect the brain?? I memorized her name because I didn’t want to go near her. Course it has been some time now and I have forgotten it. My memory is not the same as it once was. I do know she became a pedi-neuro. Pretty scary that some parent is going to be trusting her with the life of the child.

Oh and before I forget, again, my oldest niece just published her first paper on E. Coli. I am so proud of her. It was a very HUGE accomplishment and there was a huge collaboration as the author lists just go on and on. She is listed as an acknowledgement but that is still pretty good.

I read the “do I need therapy” blog tonight because my therapist wanted me at my last session. I think it was a stupid blog because I repeated myself several times. I still don’t know what point I was trying to make. Maybe that I felt obligated to be in therapy because I feel like I owe my therapist that much. And I don’t mean monetarily wise. Like I told her in that session, I could owe her nothing yet I still would feel like I did.

My back is really hurting me. I need to lie down but if I go to sleep now, I know that I will wake up at three in the morning. I also want to keep checking my blog stats because I am 4 views away from 60,000. I haven’t taken any pain meds yet. I will once I feel a little more settled down. I got a lot on my brain.

I wonder if I should be in the hospital. I have been against it because there is no treatment there. You just get watched and drugged up and then sent home. Plus with my pain meds, they always fuck it up and I need to request it the way I take it at home rather than how it is written. I have been telling my PCP to change it even before he left but he still just left it at 1 pill every 6 hours. I usually take 2 pills twice a day, some times more, sometimes less. It all depends on what my level of pain is. He knows this and never changed it so I am screwed. Now he is gone and no one asks me if my meds are adequate. But the hospital won’t see it that way. I always get stigmatized about it. And don’t get me started on the pain scale I have to fill out at every single dose. That pisses me off more than the fuck up. Then I got to pack appropriately, write out my medication list, and be sure I can carry all the stuff on the public transportation. Last time I brought a backpack and a carry on. I was in an AFO at the time, so it took some maneuvering to carry everything. My bags were full because I had to carry at least a book or two in addition to my journal. I also carried a notepad with me just in case writing hit me. It’s been almost a year and a half since my last hospitalization but I remember it as if it were yesterday. I don’t really care what becomes of my father’s medication if I do go in. It’s not that hard, really. My sisters could do it if they chose to.

Holy Fucking Cold

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Holy Fucking Cold

It’s freezing out today. I should have stayed home but I had to fix my father’s pills. Only reason I am doing it today rather than tomorrow is in case I needed to call a refill to his doc’s office. He was not in the mood to see me. He is still mad at me. I could care less. I did what I had to do, emptied his trash for him, and then left. I missed the bus because the elevator took forever to get to his floor. He doesn’t have the world’s fastest elevator but still. Four minutes wait plus the walk to the station and the bus was gone.

I felt unmotivated to do all that I did today but I got out of the house. I made coffee this morning but made the mistake of eating a banana. Coffee and bananas don’t mix, just to let you know. It left me with a sour stomach and I couldn’t finish my coffee.

I emailed my psychiatrist, again, to get a time for us to meet. She is finally back in the office. This is the last time I am emailing her for an appointment. She doesn’t respond, oh well. I really don’t care. I guess you can say I have the case of the fuck its. I weighed myself this morning and am down another two pounds. Don’t really know how that happened as I have been eating. Maybe I just haven’t been eating enough. Not that it matters. I still can lose like 70 lbs so what is two more? I guess the stress of not having to worry about losing is actually working now that I don’t have a PCP isn’t pressuring me every month. I have an appointment with my new PCP in a week and a half. I thought about canceling it because the dizziness is gone but I really want to meet her and at least know her face and she can know me. Despite losing this weight, I was still a little dizzy walking my usual route and got out of breath. I know I haven’t been out in a couple of days but being out of breath is not a good sign. I also felt a little racy heart wise. All I need is a cardiac condition. I am due for it. All the studies show that depression leads to cardiac problems. I will die if this happens or maybe I will wait for the big MI to kill me. Will save me some trouble.

My mood is still kind of suicidal. I just wish I was dead. I have no plans that I can act on. I have no impulse to do it, though this morning I thought of putting a plastic bag over my head than go to my father’s. I just feel really rotten and am terrified that the psychache is going to come back. I don’t know if I can handle that pain.

As much I really didn’t want to do it, I ordered Chinese food for dinner tonight. I think I deserve some decent food as my appetite is back, even though my mood sucks. I know I probably won’t eat half of it but that is the beauty of leftovers. I am trying a new place as my favorite place closed more than a year ago. I ordered from Grubhub because it’s easier than ordering on the phone. It’s so easy to just click and click, especially when you are hungry. I didn’t have lunch, but then I usually have a late lunch and dinner anyways.

3 March 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

3 March 2016

Dear Bozo,

I have seriously thought about therapy the last few days. I feel like I am a burden to you and that you will be better off without me in your life. It’s my fault I have not gotten better. I should be able to fix myself but for whatever reason, I am unable to. You have been a good listener, but I can tell you are tired of hearing me talk these days. I probably talk about the same things and it annoys you.

I know I am a boring person. I live in a bubble that is surrounded by trauma every where I turn, whether it be due to external circumstances (e.g., my father) or internal ones (e.g., my pain). I joined a PTSD chat the other night. I didn’t talk much, just observed what the conversation was about. One day I hope to tell my story, in pieces, but I am scared it will be too triggering. I went off the other day on Twitter with CES stuff because of pain. I didn’t talk about my bowels or bladder, just that pain had controlled me and always gives me anxiety when it reaches a certain notch. It’s not all the time I have anxiety due to pain. But I am always on edge because I don’t know if pain is going to cause it or not, so I am anxious about being anxious.

I have been struggling with the need for therapy the past week. Our relationship has been different than the other relationships that I have had, in regards to therapy. One, it has lasted longer than the others and two, I never really thought about leaving even though I have said I wanted to. When we had this discussion a few months ago, it really terrified me to think I was really going to lose you. Since then, our relationship has changed. And I quite don’t know if it is for better or for worse.

You talk about your anxiety of dealing with me sometimes gets in the way of our talk. Maybe it is for the better that I leave you. I hate causing you pain.

My psych hasn’t returned the email about setting up an appointment. I am in an “I don’t care mood” so will not pursue her. I really don’t care. I am just a burden to her as well. I am just too “weak” right now to deal. I feel I am a failure and she is tired of my bullshit, too. I have read the emails that I wrote. And who cares that I have lost my appetite and a few pounds. No one cares. It isn’t like I am skinny and need the pounds. It’s not like me to have physical symptoms of depression. I am waiting for the heartache to set in and finish me off. I thought about hanging myself tonight. I was feeling that bad. But I don’t have a beam to do it, least not in my room. I just want to be dead. It’s good I don’t own a pistol. I would be dead three times over already. I just have my pills. Maybe a 60 day dose of my blood pressure pill will do the job.

I know talking about killing myself sets you into anxious mode. I am sorry. It’s just the way that I feel.

Random 255

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 255

My appetite is finally back, least it was for today. I had a couple slices of homemade pizza for lunch and then some ice cream. Now I feel sick to my stomach but I am full. I didn’t know where my mother put the ice cream. Apparently, there are two freezer drawers in my sister’s fridge that I didn’t know about. That’s where it was hiding. I am thinking about getting some Ensure for the days I am not eating, but it’s expensive so we’ll see how it goes.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me today. She is back in the office. I have been waiting all day for an appointment with her. I’ll probably have to email her again. But the way that I have been feeling, I really don’t want to see anyone. I feel like I am a burden or that I am just too much for my psychiatrist. I know I feel that way about my therapist. I was writing about it in my journal this morning. I just feel that both will be better off without me.

I am again plagued with fatigue today. I kind of wish my thyroid wasn’t normal. It would explain so much, not that I want another medical condition. But then I wouldn’t have to always blame my tiredness on the depression or chronic pain. It’s just so hard to deal with and it’s difficult to get going when you don’t have anything to do all day. Tomorrow I will have to go to my father’s to do his meds just in case I need to call his doctor’s office for a refill. If I wait till Saturday, I will have to wait till Monday and I might not remember.

This morning I was dealing with pain. My ankle just didn’t want anything to do with walking, standing, or going up or down stairs. It made such a fuss that I had take two pain meds to calm it down. It made me sleepy so I took a nap for a couple of hours. Even during the day I can’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. Even now, after I had lunch and a snack, my ankle is starting to flare up again. I was going to go to Walgreens to get some stuff but I think it will be another day. I am just too tired and I don’t want to test my ankle walking. Plus it’s cold as anything out. Even the house is cold.

I vaguely remember Jack coming out today because he was so angry at my therapist. It doesn’t look like I will be talking with her today. And I think Jack is really mad because of that. I think he thinks she just doesn’t care anymore. And with the depression being as bad as it is, I kind of believe it. Lately, she has been so distant and I don’t know why. Maybe I am too much for her. I told her she should just run away from me. She is only going to get hurt. Jack really wants to cancel therapy next week and not go back. I fear that if I cancel, she is going to honor the cancellation, something she has never done in the past. Usually, I have to beg and plead to get out of a session. Now, if I cancel, that is it. Session is gone. No more fighting or talking about it. I think she is tired of me. I think I am not going to see her for a while, get caught up with my account with her and then cut her out of my life. I don’t need therapy. There is nothing forcing me to go. I have no court order or anything of the sort. I think I am just going to stop therapy. I will tell her I just don’t need therapy and will continue to pay her until my account is paid off. I am sure her billing people will be glad to get rid of me.