Tag: bipolar disorder

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.

Random 145

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night as I was reading Twitter, I came across a tweet by one of the psychologists I follow. He is big on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I read the article in his tweet, written by the Wall Street Journal, rather than a more reputable medical source. I was skeptical and sure enough I had reason to be. The article was on back pain and for a whopping $17,000 you can have this new form of therapy called “Functional restorative therapy”. It’s a combination of physical therapy and psychotherapy (CBT) to help you basically learn to live with the pain after other medical treatments have failed. I am not against CBT, but I am against the other stuff as someone with my condition, Cauda Equina Syndrome, might not be able to do their exercises and stretches because we no longer have the strength to do so. The article fails to mention this and when I said that this method needs more research, this psychologist went off on me, wanting to know why I said what I did. For fucks sake. I have been living with CES for the past 15 years almost. Been through almost every type of physical therapy out there. I don’t think it would be right for me and might actually harm me. The CBT might be helpful and after I said this, he settled down. That is all he wanted me to say. He is a real trouble maker as when you go against HIS views he starts an argument. I don’t know why I continue to follow him. I should mute him.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 0230 and then went back to sleep around 0300. Then I woke up a few hours later. I thought I would sleep till at least 0900 but nope. My bladder put those dreams to rest. I am so tired and the day hasn’t even started yet. I really want a coffee. But I will be leaving in about an hour to have my Starbucks. Yesterday, I tried a vanilla soy latte and I really liked it. I am going to have another one today. I think I will have time to write in my journal and eat a pop tart. I like the cherry and smores. I forgot to buy the smores kind so all I have is cherry.

Last night I told my sister I will be going to the neurosurgeon next week. I hope she doesn’t tell my mother. I don’t need them to worry right before Christmas. This morning my back feels ok, but then I haven’t started to do anything that would aggravate it. It’s cold this morning and is not supposed to go beyond the 40s today. I might wear my Red Sox jacket but I am not sure if that will be too warm. It’s a lightweight jacket but really insulated. I like being warm but hate being too warm.

My therapist told me she finagled the bagel and will be working on my birthday. I am going to try and get a Zipcar that day to see her. It will be good to see her before she goes on vacation. I just realized that both my psychiatrist and therapist will be gone the week following Christmas. This sucks.

In Pain, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In Pain, again

I was talking to my therapist today about things that happened this morning. I sent my previous blog to my psychiatrist and got a response. I really wasn’t expecting one as she is recovering from surgery but I guess she found her way to a computer and emailed me back. I nearly broke down in tears when I read the message. I don’t know if it was because she said she knew this month was hard for me or that I was relieved that she was doing well in her recovery, but the tears were flowing. I tried stopping them because I had to go out soon and didn’t want to be a mess. I hardly ever cry and when I do, the tears don’t stop.

I took my asshole father to his appointment and the bastard kicked me in my sore leg. I am not kidding and when I complained to him, he laughed. I just hoped that we were out of there soon so I could be in a private place to talk to my therapist. The hell with him and his test results. He could die for all I care. I am so sick of his not caring, yet I am supposed to? FUCK THAT SHIT. It’s either both ways or no way.

While I was talking with my therapist, my thigh acted up. I had taken an extra baclofen to try and see if that will help the pain and discomfort I have been feeling. I guess it’s too early to tell as it was just one dose. I didn’t even do too much walking, least not as much as I did yesterday, and it still flared up on me. I know something is going on with my L3 nerve root. I am going to tell my neurosurgeon this and my PCP, though he already knows this, or should by now. Nothing is helping this pain so I know from past experience something is up with my back.

My therapist wasn’t able to read the entire blog piece that I wrote about Reasons for Living and Reasons for Dying. I don’t even remember how long it was as I was just rambling. From what she said, it was a good piece of writing. I said of course it is, I wrote it in the wee hours of the morning. She then started some mumble jumble about how I am uninhibited during those hours to write so well. I just know my best writing comes when I am tired and it’s after 2300. I really can’t sleep unless I write sometimes. Last night was one of those times. I was beyond exhausted and it was after 2300.

I so wanted to drink some whiskey when I came home but I already took my pain meds and I don’t think that would be a good idea. I really need to try and get a hold of this pain. Worse case scenario is that I break out my strong pain pills. I know I need some sleep too as I only got around three hours last night. I was too worried about oversleeping because I didn’t go to bed till after 0230. It sucks being in pain. I need chocolate. That will help my mood…

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.