Tag: bipolar disorder

1 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

1 Aug 2018

I thought of a neat title for yesterday’s blog, but I was so tired, I never got to write it. I wrote it while I was at Starbucks today because I messed up my appointment time with my therapist but I have been goofing off on the internet the last 2 hours so never typed up what I wrote. Basically, yesterday was a long day because my mother came home from rehab. She is in a lot of pain and recovery is slow.

Yesterday she again said that I should see an orthopedic doctor. I told her I have chronic pain and that I have been diagnosed with a pain syndrome. I tried explaining to her what I had but was falling on deaf ears. She just thought all doctors were assholes and I just haven’t found the right doctor to help me. UGH!!!!! She doesn’t get it. I tried telling her I didn’t have a broken limb, that my nerves were messed up. She didn’t want to hear it. All because I wasn’t listening to her to get, yet another, doctor’s opinion. I am so fucking frustrated.

I had a breakdown last night. I was so exhausted and wanted a cat or kitten to cuddle or pet. I didn’t have one so I just cried. And then I couldn’t stop. I cried for an hour. There has been an IG account that I have been following that has foster kittens and cats. I have fallen in love with this little kitten and I was thinking about him while I cried. I wish I could have him. But I can’t. My mother won’t allow it. And it makes me sad.

I had a different drink today at Starbucks. I had a caramel macchiato with almond milk. It was good except for the last sip. I took a long swing and it was all caramel sauce. It was so fricken sweet I almost threw it up but I was in the middle of CVS so I couldn’t spit it out. I went in there to get some candy as I was craving a snickers bar. I tried to find a “fun size” Milky Way Dark but they didn’t have it. Walgreens didn’t have it either so I sent a tweet to Milky Way. I bought the minis, which I could eat the whole bag.

I am having a lot of pain today, probably left over from yesterday. Train jerking didn’t help. OMG, I didn’t think I was going to be able to walk home after therapy. My back was just hurting so much and I didn’t have any ibuprofen. I put it in my bag soon as I got home so I didn’t forget.

Tomorrow I am going to get my haircut. I am not getting a lot off the top. I just want the sides and back brought up a little bit so I can continue shaving it. My barber is probably not going to be happy with how it looks. It is all ragged and shit. I didn’t feel like shaving it today but will tomorrow before I leave for the barbers. My cousin will be giving me a ride to the Square so I don’t have to worry about the bus.

I wanted a piece of chocolate and had a bag on my bed. I reached to get it and my ankle got angry. I am in so much pain right now. Fuck. I hate this shit. It is already swollen and shit. I might have to put on the compression sock but not sure my skin will be able to tolerate it. Sometimes I put it on and it lasts about 15-20 mins. I just took my night dose of meds so hopefully in an hour or so I will be in less pain. I took my night meds really late. I don’t know why I put it off for an hour and a half. I can fall asleep within two hours or I can be up all night now. I am an idiot.

I got to change my sheets this weekend. They are all out of place because of the stupid foam topper. I am going to use duct tape to tape it to the mattress. I hope it will hold it in place. Otherwise, I am going to get rid of it and buy a new one. I will take it off the bed and just sleep on the mattress. Maybe the springs won’t bother me so much. I should get a new mattress. I seen one on IG where it comes in a box and is a memory foam. But it is like $700. Not a bad price, but I don’t have $700. Hope the duct tape works.

Back to 1989 craze

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back to 1989 craze

Taylor Swift was at Gillette Stadium last week. In her honor, I have been playing her album 1989 and once again, I am addicted to it. It has been mostly what I have been playing, unless another song pops in my head, like a Luke Combs song. I think I like 1989 more than her new album. Her new album I just wasn’t as crazy for. There are some cool songs on it but it didn’t grow on me like 1989.

I woke up before my alarm. I had taken off my body pillow and am now back to two standard pillows. I woke up with my head on the mattress. I don’t get it. I didn’t have too much pain. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I then went back to my room, took my meds, and then went back to sleep. I canceled therapy because I wasn’t sure how I would be today. I also knew going out after a weekend long flare was not a good idea.

I didn’t wake up again till 1330. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I reluctantly did. I drank a mocha frap and had some cookies with it. I wanted real coffee so I grabbed my mug and a K-Cup and went downstairs to use my sister’s Keurig. I checked on my niece. She wasn’t hungry so I just made the coffee and went back upstairs. I drank my coffee when my cousin texted me. We chatted for a bit and then she had to go back to work. I was done with my coffee so I decided to wash the dishes. I used the Dawn that I bought and I couldn’t believe the difference over the cheap shit my mother had bought. The soap didn’t wash away as I washed the dishes! I swear I was going through a lot of soap just to wash a few dishes compared to Dawn. I just used a little and it went a long way.

I rested for a bit. I went up to my room and realized I had to go to Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I really didn’t want to go out but I haven’t been out in a few days so I got dressed. I found an old ball cap and it barely fit my head. It was so tight. I forgot I had washed it and it shrunk, which was why I haven’t been wearing it. I left and there was mail. I would get to it when I came back.

I bought some more Dawn before going to the pharmacy counter. It was cheaper in the pharmacy than at Stop and Shop. I got two bottles. I got my scripts and then went down the pen aisle, which can be very dangerous. I wanted to find a pen or marker that I could use for my black journal so I could write on the cover. I chose a metallic marker. If it didn’t work, oh well.

I walked home and my cousin was on his porch yelling at me. I had walked away from him as I was walking to the store. Now I couldn’t. He asked when my mother was coming home and I told him. He said he would be by. I was like ok. I know he isn’t. His mother would, which is going to annoy the fuck out of me as she will be by nearly every day the next few weeks. I get to listen to her yell at my mother and my mother yell back. Oh joy. The quiet I have been enjoying is coming to an end. I don’t usually mind my mother except when the TV is blaring and I can hear every fricken word over the AC, but I get used to it unless I am sensitive to sound that day because my pain is high or I have a migraine. It is going to be humid the rest of the week. I am not going to like it.

I had some deep dish pizza. I didn’t want to turn on the oven, but there was nothing else I wanted. I could barely finish it. I don’t seem to have an appetite today. I plan on listening to the game today. OverPrice is pitching. I don’t like him. Never have. He is an asshole and thinks he is the greatest but he isn’t. I think he purposely loses games because he doesn’t want to pitch that day. No idea how he is going to be. It is always a guessing game with him. I hate his inconsistency. And he is awful during the postseason. I keep hoping he will be better. We’ll see when the time comes.

Flare Sunday 29-July-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Flare Sunday

My sister called me while I was in deep sleep. She wanted to know who was making noise. There was someone in my house but I wasn’t about to go downstairs to find out who it was. I said it was probably my other sister. It was. She left me a note about how she cleaned the bathroom. I used it and then went back to my room. That was all I fricken did. Ankle got set off. It was around 10 or so in the morning. I knew if it was hurting now, I was likely going to be this way all day. I texted my therapist saying I wouldn’t make it tomorrow because of these flares.

I took a breakthrough med and waited a little while before going downstairs to make something to eat. I made coffee, bacon, an egg, and toast. It was good. A package came for me that I ordered so I went downstairs and that was the breaking point. My ankle hurt worse when I came in my room, after I sat down on my bed. That is never a good thing when I stand and then sitting causes more pain. I had called my brother in law to see if he could pick up my prescription. He said he was in Maine. Great. That meant I was literally home alone with a bum ankle and I didn’t have my cane. I was kind of panicking. My support group said to just stay on the bed and watch a show. So I took an Ativan (anxiety attack was already happening by then), and then opened Netflix to watch a show. I don’t remember if it was one or two episodes I watched. Afterwards I was hungry. Pain had settled down some so I went downstairs to make something to eat. I made steak and cheese. It was really greasy. I don’t think I am going to buy that kind of steak anymore. I don’t like eating grease. Greasy food okay, but not a mouthful of plain grease. Yuck!

I went back upstairs. I tried on the new dress shirt I bought. It fit good and the neck was the right size. I asked FB and Twitter what would be a good tie. I got an overwhelming response for the light blue tie so I will be wearing that for the wedding I will be going to in Sept. I just need to get new dress pants and a belt. I will get it next month. I thought it was safe to have a cup of coffee. The iced coffee didn’t perk me up and I broke my rule of no caffeine after 3 pm. I watched the rest of the Sox game as I drank it. They won. I finished my coffee and rinse out the cup as it was a special cup.

I went back upstairs with my cane and at the last four or so, my ankle gave out. It was so difficult going up those last few stairs. I was hurting so bad. I took another breakthrough med. Now I know for certain I am NOT doing PT unless they increase my pain dose. I’ve been in severe pain since Friday. This shouldn’t be happening. I hope they fucking hear me this time or I am going to just end things. What else am I going to do? Continue to be in pain??

Rambling 29 July 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Rambling 29 July 2018

I didn’t do much yesterday but sleep because I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am. I had a bad night of pain. I sent an email to my psych around 4 and then took an Ativan and that finally got me to sleep. I put my phone on do not disturb but set my alarm so I could take my morning meds. With the do not disturb, my app alarm doesn’t work.

Sox won. I listened to the game, though around the 7th inning, I was getting sleepy so tried to sleep. My foot decided to explode. It was hurting me before I laid down but then it really started to hurt. I took some Neurontin. It didn’t work. I put some lidocaine on, and that seemed to calm it down a bit.

My cousin was calling me a few times during the day. He gets anxious if you ignore him. I really think, after talking to him tonight, that he is paranoid. He seems to think his mother and sister want him to move out of his apartment so his other brother can live there. I don’t know. That seems kind of crazy to me. I don’t know where he will go. He says he can’t live on his own, but yet he is. He can do a lot of things I can. I told him I might have to go into assisted living if something happens to my mother. I can’t be on my own because I never know when my ankle is going to go out on me. I can’t keep up with house chores. I found that out Thursday when I tried to do six loads of laundry. It took a lot out of me.

I have some dishes in the sink but I was too tired to do them after I ate. I used my last cold brew iced tea bag today. I have it brewing in the fridge right now. It is probably done now but a few more hours won’t hurt. I like it to be strong. I think you can use regular tea bags but I think it takes longer to brew or maybe you use hot water and then cool it so you have iced tea. I have a hyperchill think I can use. It works great for coffee. I just make coffee like I do for hot and then put it in this cup with ice around the chamber and it cools the coffee without diluting it. It is really neat. Only thing that sucks is that it is small. You can only get about 12 oz of coffee. I like at least 16 oz.

I am listening to my country music. Cam posted a little vid that she performed in Mexico. She sang Diane in Spanish and OMG it was better than it was in English! It was just one part of the song and then she sang the rest in English. I was bummed. I had to listen to her song again and just let the playlist play.

Weather is supposed to be less humid today. We’ll see. Today is going to be the only day the weather is less humid. Monday is going to be yucko again. I’ll have to carry my sweat rag with me. I can’t help it. I just sweat a lot in hot weather because of my nerve condition.

I am going to try and sleep. I will write more if I can’t. Thanks for reading guys. It means a lot.