Tag: blog

19 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

19 Aug 18

I have been having a bad day. Started with my sister calling me asking about my mother. She called and didn’t get an answer. I didn’t want to go downstairs. I am tired of doing this. I am a light sleeper, if something happened, I would have heard it and I would have called HER. Sure enough, I go downstairs and my mother is in the bathroom. The poor woman can’t shit in peace! I sent a text saying so to my sister and she says not to give her an attitude. Fuck you.

I am so damn mad. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I am too pissed off to sleep. I decided to make some bacon. I put away the dishes my mother took out of the dishwasher. I asked her if she wanted coffee and she did. I made her and myself a cup. After I did a few things in the kitchen, my mother was lying on the bed, going for the nap. The phone was furthest from her so I put it so she could reach it and then made a comment about how people freak out if they can’t get in touch with you. She told me to calm down. Really?? She isn’t the only person in this household disabled. I am getting tired of it.

I went upstairs so upset that I just cried. Then I took an Ativan to “calm down”. I am seriously thinking of going back in the hospital and let them fend for themselves without me here. I really hate that my mother didn’t validate me. My sister thinks I am giving her an attitude. I am so damn stressed my pain is ridiculous. I don’t need this shit. Last night pain was so damn bad, again, I didn’t sleep and was once again contemplating killing myself. It was after midnight so who was I going to call or do?

I am dreading tomorrow. I got to get up early and make myself something to eat. I got to make sure my mother eats something before we leave so her sugar doesn’t crash. I am also bringing juice and crackers just in case. I rather be over prepared than left taking her to the ER for hypo. The weather is supposed to be night. In the 70s. I am glad the humidity is gone. For the first time I have the AC off and I was cold so had to wear a long sleeved shirt. I hope things go smoothly. The only thing I am afraid of is her getting stuck on the stairs when we get home. But I will worry about that when it happens.

I shaved my head tonight but think I took too much off the back so now it is uneven. Money is going to be tight this month so I won’t be able to see my barber until the day before the wedding. Hopefully the top will grow so I have something to spike. The next day I will be going to a concert. It is going to be a busy week. I hope I don’t have flares, but I know I will as the dickhead pain doc won’t increase my meds. I should have wrote down what I planned on telling him but I will read his shit article and see if that drives up something. I see another doctor this week for the pain program. If I am lucky, maybe he will take over as my pain doc and be more compassionate.

18 8 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

18 8 18

I decided to put the numbers of the date rather than the date, month spelled, year. I think the numbers of today are cool. I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I wanted to but I was in so much pain and had so many meltdowns that I just was too exhausted to write.

My sister came over yesterday after I asked her for help. I didn’t know my mother had made dinner, which is what I was afraid of, so she brought a rotisserie chicken, which we had for tonight’s dinner. We were talking and I told her of the fight I had with my aunt the lunatic on Monday. Apparently, there is shit being said and no one is telling me what the fuck it is. I brought it up to my mother, as she expects me to go to her house on Monday as she needs to do something at the bank with me. I told her I am not going over her house and she said I should apologize as she was visiting her. I don’t give a fuck. She should apologize to me for giving me a damn heart attack for nothing! I am not talking to her and frankly, I don’t know who to trust so I am not talking to anyone on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t need them. I do my own thing, get around to do things without them. The only person I trust is my bipolar cousin, who does help me out sometimes with rides to the station and stuff, if I need it. I don’t ask. Usually I am at the bus stop when he drives by. I don’t call him for a ride unless I can’t do it myself. But I am being reserved in talking to him as I am just paranoid about what is being said right now.

I’ve been busy with doing the dreaded laundry. There were only three loads but I after I fixed dinner and cleaned up afterwards. I just put the last load in the washer and will put it in the dryer when the dryer is free. I figure around maybe 9pm I will go downstairs again. I have no idea when the washer will be done. It takes around 1-2 hours depending on how big the load is. I have a big load in there now as it is all towels. I took my pain med early as when I got back to my room, my ankle pain went up. I don’t care. It is only an hour early. I didn’t want to take a BT med when it was so close to my next dose.

I have been listening to the country radio station most of the day. I found that if I play something on FB or Twitter, it stops on my phone. But won’t resume when it stops. Annoying. I like having it on my Kindle so I don’t run into this problem. My sister is on the booze cruise I was suppose to go to tonight. There was no way as I would be wearing two braces and going up the stairs would be difficult. I never made my bacon sandwich today. I will have to make it tomorrow. The bacon that I got was not the best quality. It was stringy and fatty. I wish you could look at what you are getting before buying but there is no way to see as the package is vacuumed sealed. It is annoying. Still tastes good but I rather have some meat than more fat. I need more bacon, LOL.

16 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

16 Aug 2018

I must have spent too much time in the kitchen. I am sneezing like crazy. The pollen count is high. I am going to take my night meds soon, which has my Allegra. Speaking of Allegra, I got two DMs from them on Twitter, wanting my information. I just ignored them. I use the generic version as it is so much cheaper than the brand name. So even if they send me coupons, it will not equal the quantity I get at the generic price.

I slept most of the day because I was up most of the night. I think I fell asleep around 4 am. I was in a lot of pain. It made feel really sad and suicidal. I have no idea what I did to set it off but the pain continued into today after I did some dishes and made dinner for my mother. My mother didn’t do the dishes after she ate so they are staying there. I can’t do them. I am hurting too much.

Luke Combs just released a new song and video for She got the best of me. I love this song so much. Actually, there isn’t a song on the deluxe album that I don’t like. Some I like more than others, like Lonely One, One number away, Hurricane, and Must have never met you. Some how these songs will make it to my top 25 list. I’ll probably make a playlist with just these songs.

I have to leave the house around 0640 tomorrow to be at my PT appt because the bus I normally take doesn’t go there at that hour. I have to take the bus to the station to transfer to another bus. I set my alarm for 6 so I can make iced coffee. I still have two brownies left over from the week. Either they will be breakfast or a pop tart will. I don’t think I will have time to cook, unless I get up earlier, which isn’t happening. If I happen to wake up before my alarm, I will think about it. I just hope my damn ankle doesn’t wake me up. I forgot to tell the dickhead doc that I have been waking up in pain. Not that it would change his mind on changing my dose. Not unless I bring him some research articles to shove in his face. I am a bad search person on PubMed so my query was met with zero. I have to look up how to do a search in PubMed. I never was good at it, especially when I went to college. I was better at PsychLit.

There is no ballgame tonight but there is a preseason football game. Pats are leading 17-0 right now against the Eagles. Some idiot had a plane with the score from the SuperBowl fly over Gillette Stadium. So stupid. One player was carted off the field with an ankle injury. Must have been bad because they took the cart to the locker room. That almost never happens. And he was a new player, too. Hope he is okay.

14 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

14 Aug 18

The lunatic didn’t come over and I was grateful. I woke up around 0330 to go to the bathroom and then was up for a bit. Think I read some of my book until meds kicked in to bring me back to sleep. I didn’t sleep long, just about 4 hours or so. I got up around 11. I saw on the little table by the stairs that my mother had mail and her walgreens gift card. Guess I was going out. Wasn’t a big deal as I wanted to see if they had this Epsom salt rub. They didn’t have it in stock (this store really never has things in stock, they have a sale and the item will have no stock!) The only store that had it was the one in Malden. I would have to wait till Friday as that was when I was going near there. I went to the bakery for bread and mailed somethings. On the way home, I stopped at the other drug store and they had the item. Score! I used it once I cooled off. I was soaked with sweat by the time I walked around the block, so to speak.

I used the stuff and within a few minutes, my legs weren’t that achy anymore. But the stuff left a residue on my legs. I didn’t like it but as long as it took care of the pain, I don’t care. I can use it as much as I want. Stuff does take a while to dry but not a long time. I’ll probably shower tomorrow as I need to get blood work done. My psych wanted to check things. She never responded to my email about if a bmp was ordered or not. Be curious if my sodium is still above normal.

I asked my mother if she wanted burgers for supper and she did. I knew my niece wasn’t going to eat burgers so I asked if she wanted mac and cheese. She did. So for dinner I was making burgers, tater tots, and mac and cheese. I was a chef for a bit. I spent most of my time on my feet doing the various things that needed doing. I ended up burning my muffin because I forgot about it. I had sat down to eat some tater tots while it was toasting and forgot about it so it burned. Glad I didn’t have a fire alarm in the kitchen, which is weird. But the door was open to let the smell out. I was planning on doing the dishes when my friend called. I was talking to him until my sister and my cousin and her baby came over. I then said I had to go as I had company. I played with the baby for a bit and then my sister accidently kicked my bad ankle. That was all it needed. I asked her if she could do the dishes and she had an ass ache (aka was lazy and didn’t want to do it). She asked her son to do it and he had a back ache. I told my mother I was going to rest a bit and then I will do the dishes later when meds work. I went upstairs to cool off and rest a bit. My phone needed charging. I tried to write the blog earlier but internet browsing kept me from my task. I finally stopped just before my med alarm was to go off. My right sprained ankle hurts so I don’t know if the dishes are going to get done.

I can’t fricken believe I did all that with two messed up ankles. But now that I am resting, I ma hurting. My mother was like just sit on the couch. She doesn’t get that my leg needs to me elevated to stop hurting. I need my bed to ease the pressure. It has been the only thing that sometimes helps. Not all the time as sometimes my pain is worse. But that is when NOTHING helps it. I just hope it doesn’t swell with it being down so much today. I hate days where I am supposed to rest and I do a million things. Not big things but enough to hurt really bad during the night. I was telling my mother this and she said don’t say it. I was like I can’t help it, my ankle knows when it is 2100 and it acts up. Or 2000. It doesn’t care. It will hurt just by me getting more comfortable in bed. Or without moving. No rhyme or reason. Just acts up when it wants to. And there is little I can do when it does.

Baseball is on and I am going to take my meds as my thigh is cramping up and then turn on the radio. They are already leading 1-0, scoring first! Should be a good game. They are playing the Phillies.