I did nothing today. Today is supposed to be my writing day off but I can’t stop writing what is in my head. Last night was hard for me on so many levels. My suicidality came back and it stayed with me for a good while. I wanted to hang myself off the back porch, while my sister was having a party down stairs. My biggest fear was that I would be caught in time and I would survive. I didn’t want that to happen as it would be mad embarrassing. But I imagined what it would be like. I didn’t prepare or anything, just thought and fantasized about it. It helps to calm me down when I fantasize about killing myself. It is not the best mechanism of coping but hell it works better than the other bullshit.
I didn’t want to kill myself because of the new year. I wanted to kill myself because I don’t think I can stand being who I am anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have changed my name a few times over the years to get used to being called something other than my birth name in transitioning toward being male. Can’t be any more male than Mike right? But people don’t see it as a big deal. Maybe they think that it is easy. I don’t know. I have never done this before. I just want to feel the way I feel inside and project it on the outside. I guess the incident that triggered this was that this was the last birthday that I would be called by my birth name(BN). I just wasn’t ready for it. For months I have been using my BN at Starbucks and other places. Yesterday I decided to use Alex and the idiot that took my order wrote “Alice”, nice but I am NOT a fucking female you nitwit!! That is what I want to scream to the world. I am NOT A FUCKING FEMALE!! I am not a HER I am a HIM!!!! But people just don’t get it. They see breasts and the will always think her. They don’t see breasts they see him. It is how this world is cracked up to be.
I so need to talk to my therapist this week. I am having a wicked hard time with this. I think my very life depends on it. But if I were to seek help, I don’t think a hospital will help. Seeing as I have not transitioned, they will just place me in a woman’s room or ward. How demoralizing is that. Because biologically I am female I get put into that category. I hate categories.
Tag: blog
30 Day Writing Challenge Day 8
30 Day writing challenge Day 8
What you ate today.
I had eggs and pancakes for breakfast. Pastrami sub and fries for lunch. And chicken wings for dinner.
grumpy today
Still in a grumpy mood. My Pdoc has not called back yet and I don’t think she will. Today is Taylor’s birthday, which means in ten days, it will be mine. I am depressed and don’t know why. I restarted the trileptal, taking 300 mg at night and tomorrow I’ll start taking it in the morning and night. I hate doing this on my own but my doc trusts me and like I said she hasn’t called back yet or returned my email.
Got out of the house today to get some coffee. I am worried that if I didn’t I’d get a blood clot in my leg from inactivity. I’m drinking a Panama. It’s stronger than the Hawaiian and Blue Java I usually have. If I complete this writing project, I think I will buy the Hawaiian Ka’u rather than get my ring fixed.
My sisters have been asking me what I want for my birthday and Christmas. Every year for the past several, I have no idea. I had wanted the Nebraska and Ohio State hoodies but it doesn’t look like they will be getting me those. Other than that I really don’t know what I want except for my key lime cake, that I will be making.
I don’t know why I am so grumpy. I just woke up the other day like that and it has continued. I think it is because I haven’t been sleeping the past week. I woke up today with blurry vision in my left eye. It has now resolved. I can’t wait to see the neuro-opt guy next week. Next week is going to be busy because I see my pdoc Monday, therapist Tues and Wednesday, PCP Wednesday, and then the neuro-opt Thursday.
I changed all the ringtones for the different email accounts that I have. Now when one of them goes off I don’t know which account it is. Brilliant isn’t it? I am sure I will get used to the tone once more of them come in. I was tired of it all being the same ringtone. I never knew which account it was.
MG wants to renew tis writing project of ours. I am not sure I want to do it. Don’t get me wrong it has been fun and all but I just don’t know if I can write something every single day. I know I journal and all, but my blogging is different. I like that to have some meaning and lately I feel that it is just a picture of what my daily life is like than a specific topic or something else. I haven’t responded to her email yet; I just need time to think about it.
I just go dressed today, didn’t shower or brush my teeth. I just couldn’t be bothered. I have been meaning to at least brush my teeth but I just can’t muster enough energy to. I hate that everything I do takes so much out of me. I just want to die because there is no way I can handle being “old”.
I’m never getting a Panama again unless it’s iced. It tastes different hot. It’s making me nauseous but I don’t want another drink because the bus is on its way soon.
I had a bagel and candy bar for breakfast. That is all I have had the mood for eating today.
addmendum: Pdoc never called me back because she never got my page. I just got an email from her now.
weepiness and not enough sleep
Have not been myself the past few days. I have been wicked emotional since my TG piece got posted. I had 19 people read it so far and only 1 comment. No likes but it still is early. My first piece didn’t get anything until weeks later and then it was on fire.
I think I put a lot of myself out there and that is why I am still in a weepy state today. I just am emotionally drained from writing it as well as what my therapist says, I hide myself pretty well. I haven’t left my house. I have not showered in a few days time. I don’t think I have had the energy or inclination to brush my teeth. My eyes have been blurry today and I don’t see the head honcho of the neuro-opt until next week. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t see, even with my glasses on. My left eye seems to the trouble today. I just can’t focus.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go see my dad but I think I won’t. I don’t need his antics when I haven’t been having a good few days. He always makes me feel like a shitbag. But that is just the way he is.
I think the whole mess of not being able to work anymore and collecting disability has finally sunk in and I just have been so weepy. It’s hard because I have always been a good worker and now that I can’t it harder because I don’t have something to look forward to every day. I have my writing and blog but I don’t have the outside contact of being with someone or people contact that I normally get. And just when I think I can go back to work, I stand for longer than I should and have a pain attack that night. It’s really depressing me not having something to do except writing. I could clean my room but I don’t have anything or anywhere to put all my clothes. I don’t have bookcases for my books and other office style stuff. I can clean my office but I get so overwhelmed that I just end up not doing anything at all. My office has become one side of my bed, which probably has contributed to my sleep problems. A sleep doctor would have a coronary if he ever evaluated me. But then I always have had trouble sleeping. I had trouble getting to sleep, staying asleep, and going back to sleep. I know it doesn’t help that I have my laptop next to me in bed or my books or my journal or the 3 notebook/pads I have for writing my ideas down.
What ever is causing this weepy business, I hope it stops and I hope my pdoc calls me back. I want to get started on a new/old medicine to try and help me sleep better and stabilize my mood.
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