Tag: Blogging

burrito fix satisfied

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Burrito fix satisfied

It was cool in the house, so I thought it would be the same outside. I wore my new Sox hoodie and I was sweating by the time I reached the bus stop. My cousin saw me and gave me a ride. While we were talking, I told him I was trans. He accepted it better than I thought he would, though I don’t think he really got it. He just thought, I think, that I meant I was gay. I told him I was going to transition to being a male. He seemed ok with the idea, much to my relief. I told him that my mother just pushed me over the edge and I had enough of not being who I really am.

I got my burrito at Chipotle and took it to Starbucks where I had a iced tea Lemonade. I didn’t want more caffeine because I just had coffee. The burrito was good. And then I wrote in my journal for a bit. I wanted to go to the butcher shop to get some ground beef. My mother wanted me to check the price of the chicken wings and fish. The fish was too expensive and the chicken was too fatty. I’ll get them at Stop and Shop.

I’m feeling really good that I came out to my cousin and him accepting me. I wish my mother could. My foot acted up on the bus ride home and got worse when I got up to my room. I’m going to rest and then try to take a shower. I think that will help my mood a little bit. I really want to change my sheets so they don’t keep coming undone but I am too tired and I really don’t want my back to hurt. I’ll do it sometime next week.

Another hit to the chronic pain community. I just read an article that stated addiction treatment centers do not routinely test for drugs because of various reasons, mostly due to the “cost”, yet it’s perfectly acceptable to test a chronic pain patient at random or routinely. This really pissed me off because I am one of many chronic pain patients that get tested, even though I do take my meds the way I am supposed to. I don’t use more, I don’t sell or give away my meds, I adhere to the policy in the contract that I signed because I need these meds to function and want to have some kind of life outside the four walls of my room. I am so sick of pain patients going through this rigmarole because addicts have taken over the truthfulness of true chronic patients. It just saddens me.

I’m going to have some ice cream. I have been thinking about it since leaving the Square. Until later…

when you want a burrito but GrubHub is too expensive…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

When you want a burrito but GrubHub is too expensive

I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I got up around noon. I made coffee afterwards and had a butterbeer cookie that I made. It was good but now my tastes are turning towards Mexican and I want a burrito. Unfortunately, GrubHub was too expensive and I wasn’t sure what kind of meat “Muchaka” is. I wasn’t going to pay $30 for two items when I can get more than that at Chipotle. So in an hour, I will go to the Square to get my burrito fix.

It’s kind of good that I will be going to the Square because I can get some ground beef to make my dirty gravy on Monday. I would make it tomorrow but I am going to my Aunt’s house and I just don’t have time. My mother just made a gravy but she froze most of it. I really would love to have penne pasta with my sauce.

I’ll probably got to Starbucks to write after I eat. I still haven’t showered and I really don’t want to. I just feel really blah and my foot/ankle is a mess. It’s really bothering me so I know that standing is going to be painful. It most likely will exhaust me so I will try and take it tonight so it might help me sleep. I had a shitty sleep last night, waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

This month is Pride month and I so want to tell my mother I am trans. Monday I plan on talking to my therapist about going forward with transition. I am just afraid my mother will flip out and kick me out of the house. I know that is my fear and there is a 45% chance she would. I am just afraid it will further strain our relationship. I am just tired of being called “her” and “miss” or “missy”. It just hurts and drives my suicidal drivers.

More later…

when you wake up at 0100

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

When you wake up at 0100

I woke up around 0100 because of pain and allergies. My nose was stuffed up and my eyes were tearing. I took some Flonase and pain meds for my foot. I just put in eye drops so my eyes don’t feel so sticky. I can’t go back to sleep. I am awake. I was dreaming about something to do with arachnoiditis. It’s a painful condition in which the nerves are clumped in the spine. It can happen anywhere and it usually caused by steroid injections in the back. One of the many reason I will never have an injection in my back is because of the risk of this condition, that and the fact it’s not going to help. The evidence is mounting that epidural steroid injection are becoming useless despite the pain doctors continuing to practice this. They rather do that than write a prescription because it cost more to have an injection than write out a piece of paper.

I don’t know why I was dreaming about this condition. I guess it was the last thing I looked at before I went to sleep. Sometimes that will happen. It’s so weird.

I took a strong pain pill to help with my foot pain. I also took an Ativan to try and calm me down some because I am just freaking out over being in pain. It’s so bad that I just want to die. I guess I am going to be sleeping today as I am going to be up half the night. I wasn’t planning on doing anything today anyways. I need to rest my ankles. I did a lot this week and I am paying for it.

My psych told me that my PCP did send off the referral to the CRPS specialist, but because of the new “wonderful” system, she is not sure when they will get back to me. I don’t have my hopes up and I am not looking forward to seeing her anyways. I am just done with docs and I know she isn’t going to do much for me other than either say that I have CRPS or I don’t. I will be devastated if she says I don’t because if I don’t, what the fuck do I have? I know the swelling isn’t severe like most cases of CRPS. People in the Facebook group that I belong to show their ankles and the swelling is unreal. In some people, they don’t even have an ankle it’s just a leg and a foot! I might just have a mild case of it. I know there are different grades of the syndrome. But something has to be causing me this pain. And I refuse to believe that pain meds are increasing my pain because if that was the case, why the fuck did I wake up from a sound sleep in bone crushing pain hours after I took my meds? Just doesn’t make sense to me.

Today is my uncle’s birthday. He died 11 years ago. He was my favorite uncle. He was funny and kind. I miss him a lot. I hope he has good cake up where he is. His favorite saying was “for Christ’s sake”.

After I had my Chinese food for dinner, I had raspberries. NEVER again. The burps were horrible and upset my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up. Thankfully, some antacid made it go away. I’m never going to buy raspberries again. They just aren’t very good and the seeds get stuck in my teeth. I like the jam better, seedless jam. I bought it on my last grocery order so I can make it with peanut butter. It’s really good. I might have it for breakfast later today.

I really need to shower today. Even though I don’t have much hair, I need to wash it as it’s itchy. I last took a shower Tuesday night so it’s been a while. Sox lost again. I hope the next two games with Baltimore are the last for the season. It’s been rough playing with them. Seems we have been playing them all season long. One of my favorite new pitchers was placed on the disabled list (DL) yesterday because he hurt his knee. He is out the next 10 days. I don’t know who is going to take his place in the rotation. The Sox are really hurting for starting pitchers. They still have a winning record, for now but if they continue to lose games, they won’t.

Freaking Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Freaking Friday

I woke up around 0430 because my bladder told me to. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking some pain meds. I didn’t want to get up around 1030. I had an hour or so before I had to catch the bus to see my psych. I really wanted to cancel it but I needed to talk to her and get a refill on my Zoloft.

I got to the Square and went to Starbucks. I had espresso and a breakfast sandwich. By the time I was done, it was time to catch the train. The appt went okay. I told her I was still suicidal because I am just fed up. She said to call her if I was going to through with my plans. She refilled my prescription and I see her in two weeks.

I went back to the square and the bus was late. Actually, it never showed up and I was pissed because there was an asshole at the bus depot playing his music on his phone full fucking blast. I could barely hear my music through MY headphones it was so damn loud. I really thought I was going to lose it. And he was hitting on every girl that went by him, which disgusted me. Normally I don’t mind but he was just being loud and obnoxious about it. And of course the asshole was on my bus. There were some teenagers that got on so he had to talk with them. The bus couldn’t go fast enough to get this jerk off his stop.

I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription. I also checked out some electric razors while I was there but didn’t like any that I saw and they were out of my price range. The one that I had died on me and would like to replace it. My bad foot was ready to kill me by the time I got home. It felt like I was walking on rocks. I switched my shoes to sneakers for the AFO. That seemed to help my Achilles so it wasn’t rubbing against the lump so much. I was glad it helped. I was still in pain but walking was better and I wasn’t putting so much weight on my bad foot to stop the Achilles pain on my right.

My mother didn’t make anything special for dinner so I am on my own. I might order Chinese food once my foot calms down some. I thought about getting some while I was waiting for the bus as there is a Chinese restaurant around the corner from the bus depot but I didn’t have cash on me and I didn’t know if they took debit cards. I don’t go to that place often.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep and not wake up. The bottom of my bad foot hurts so bad that I really don’t want to move but my bladder is telling me I need to use the bathroom soon. I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms are. It would make life so much easier. I really need a shower as it was warm today and I just sweat a lot. It was stuffy in my room when I woke up early this morning so I turned the AC on. It’s cool in my room now so I don’t have to turn it on again. I love having it in my window and needing it when I need it. Today is the first really warm day in a while. I hope the weekend is warm. Sunday, I made plans to see my aunt with my sisters. I am looking forward to it.