Tag: chronic illness

Daily Word Prompt: Expert

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Expert

This is today’s Daily Prompt word. I have been thinking this over the last half hour or so, trying to come up with something. Everyone is an expert in something or other. Whether it be in healthcare, mental health, computers, banking, etc. Someone is always good at the one thing another is not.

I recently am having an argument with a psychologist about stigma. He proposes that there should be check ups with psychologists for adolescents. It’s a great idea but I asked, who was going to pay for it and second what about the stigma. His response was typical, obviously insurance companies and how can there be stigma for a check up? UM, we are not talking a check up for a medical professional. We are talking about psych check ups and that is a different ballgame. I know because I have experienced it first hand with a family member who has OCD. Her parents don’t think she should be in treatment because they have different views on the matter. The father doesn’t think there is anything wrong and the mother knows there is something wrong. It is so frustrating to see this happening to someone I love and care about. So yes, stigma will be an issue because the parent will say “my kid isn’t crazy so therefore doesn’t need a check up by a psychologist or other mental health professional”.

I know this guy thinks he is the “expert” here but from my experience, I think I know what I am talking about. I went through it when I was a teen. After I cut my wrist and the school nurse found out about it, I basically had to “lie” to a counselor to avoid therapy because I certainly wasn’t “crazy” enough for it. Yes, I wanted to end my life but I wasn’t about to divulge that information with my mother standing outside the door. If my mother was more accepting of my mental health issues, maybe things would have been different. But she thought that I should go to her with my problems so not to get professional help. Yea, cause you did that when I was 10 and told you I wanted to end my life then. Sorry you lost my trust and you never got it back. But I digress…

The new thing in the mental health field is “lived experience”. Basically, it goes on the assumption that the client/patient is the expert on his/her condition and therefore should have a say in treatment matters. I am lucky that I have always had professionals that sought out my input on what to do for my condition, especially my mental health issues. If they were to be the “experts” and I was just to stand by and let them dictate what they thought I should be doing, I would be pushing up daisies right now. For me, there has to be an equal give and take or it’s just not going to work.

Two Errands Completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two Errands completed

My foot was bothering me today, nothing compared to last week, but it was still hurting. I took a pain pill and waited for it to work. Then I took a shower. It tired me out so I rested for an hour. I had that long before the next bus came. I was going to go to the pharmacy but I kind of got side tracked because I got on the laptop. Next thing I knew it was time to catch the bus. I figured I would go to the pharmacy after my first errand.

I got to Starbucks and wanted to sit and write but it was crowded so I just decided to head into Boston for my errand. I needed to pick up paperwork for my disability T-Pass. I should have brought a stamped envelope so I could mail it out right then but silly me didn’t think of it until I got the paperwork. I could have gone to the post office when I got to the station and got a stamped one but I didn’t have cash on me and I felt funny charging fifty cents or so on my card. That will be tomorrow’s errand.

I waited for the bus and there was the homeless couple with all the things taking up most of one bench. I feel bad for them but it doesn’t leave much room for people to sit down. Bus was on time and we were off. I went to the pharmacy but they had a long wait time so I just said I would be back tomorrow to pick it up. Another errand to do.

I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I am hungry but I don’t know what the hell to eat. I really want pizza from the place I always go to but I am broke until Wednesday. This sucks living on a monthly check. Think I will make a tuna sandwich and some tater tots.

Sox game isn’t until 1900. It’s against the stupid Rays, a team I don’t like. They really have become more of a rival than the stupid Skankees. We are tied for first and I hope we don’t lose anymore games this week.

Restful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Restful Sunday

All I did today was sleep. The game was on in the afternoon but I wasn’t awake to watch it. They lost 10-5. I am upset and glad I didn’t watch it. My mother called me a few times but I didn’t pick up the phone. On the second call I just went downstairs as I had to go to the bathroom. She yelled at me for not picking up the phone. Oh well. Then she asked what I wanted for supper. I didn’t care. I haven’t eaten anything since around 0530 this morning. I woke up and wanted a bowl of cereal so made it. Then I went back to sleep.

I haven’t been in too much pain today, probably because I haven’t been on my feet. Last night was just horrid in trying to get to sleep. Being in pain all the time just wears you out. I wanted to take a shower today but I think I will hold off until tomorrow.

I got feedback from the guy that sent me the Adler chapter. He was appreciative of my comments and of the typo I found as it wouldn’t have come up in a “normal” scan. I hope I get a free copy of the book when it gets published.

I sent the blog I wrote last night to both my psychiatrist and my therapist. My therapist won’t read it until she is back but she wanted a few blogs so I sent her that one. I haven’t heard anything from my psychiatrist about what I sent her. I told her I was safe, least for now.

Voices and pain are keeping me up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Voices and pain are keeping me up

I have taken the trilafon for the voices and the pain meds for my pain but I am still restless. I am not in a lot of pain but I just feel agitated. The voices keep changing the lyrics of the songs I am listening to. If they have anything to do with death, they want me to kill myself. I am very annoyed that the two doses of trilafon that I took has had no effect on the voices and my head is full of noise.

One of the songs I heard tonight was “No Surprise” by Daughtry. I keep thinking of my plan and how it should be no surprise that I will die. I have been talking of ending my life for years now. It’s not like it is a fresh idea that came to my head.

Away from the Sun is now playing… It’s perfect because I am so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. But the thing is that I am not feeling so down. I am actually happy that I have made this decision to end my life, voices or no voices. I am under siege of pain and I cannot take it anymore. The pain is driving me and ending what little resources I have left to fight. It’s taken my job away from me. It’s taken my quality of life away. I cannot brush my damn teeth any more because of pain. I cannot take long showers because I cannot stand more than 10 minutes at a time without my back cramping up on me or my ankle killing me. What kind of life is that?

It really sucks that the voices tonight haven’t responded to my medication tonight. I might need another dose. Music has helped with drowning out the voices. It’s the only thing that really helps, even though it risks having more musical hallucinations, which are not fun. I changed my music genre tonight to alternative 90s rock rather than country music.

I am just going to leave without a trace. No one will know and that is the important thing. I am scare that I will be rescued. I haven’t worked out the details of my death. It’s still hazy. But I have time. I won’t go unless I have finished writing my suicide note that I started.

I started writing my suicide note but I am having trouble with it. I still haven’t thought about what to write, really. I know no one is to blame for my death. My doctors have done the best they can to try and help me and I appreciate all they have done for me over the years. But the demons are too strong. The QOL is just not there anymore and it is making me feel really depressed. I can’t deal anymore. Game over. Do not collect $200, do not pass go. I am in jail without a get out of jail free card.