Tag: chronic illness

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.

Post 1900

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Post 1900

My psychiatrist called in my trilafon. Unfortunately, she didn’t change the damn order so I am still “taking” one pill a day. I told her in the email that I am taking 2 pills a day. I am aggravated. I see her on Friday so I hope she will write a new order then.

I didn’t have anyone to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription so I took a chance of going out to get it. I was hurting but not more than usual. As a treat to myself, I bought some hot fries. I figure I will have them while I watch the game tonight. I came home and I was sweating up a storm. It was muggy out.

I did make coffee today. But I really have had much to eat. I just am not hungry. I slept most of the day as I really didn’t want to get up. We are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich or something. I hope my mother gets some tomorrow. I hate being out of bread.

I was reading some of my blogs from last June. I honestly don’t know how I am alive today as I was so depressed and suicidal. And not much has changed. I had emailed my psychiatrist the most dreadful stuff. I am really surprised I didn’t get put into the hospital then.

I haven’t written to my therapist in a few days. There has been nothing I really want to write. Even today’s blog has been difficult. I guess being in pain and taking pain meds has really affected my feelings. All I want to do is sleep and then when it’s time to sleep, I am in pain. I have to watch my niece for a few hours tomorrow, which means I need to wake up early. I don’t know if that is possible given that I rarely have been awake before 9 all week. I again don’t have anything to do so I will set my alarm, just in case I over sleep. I hope I am not up all night. That will really suck.

It’s late and I’m still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s late and I’m still up

I had to go back downstairs because that is where the bathroom is. I am in so much pain that I decided to take the strong pain meds to see if that calms things down. I fricken wish my therapist wasn’t on vacation. I could really use a session right now as my sister still has me all torn up. I just feel that they are crowding into my space and that I don’t feel valued. It’s bad enough where I place my bags my sister wants to put a cabinet so I need to move my stuff out of there. My bro in law need to get his stuff out of there first. I just feel like I am being kicked out of my own home even though I pay my dues every fucking month. Half my SSD check is put towards the mortgage, and I do own, technically, a third of the house. I will inherit this place when my mother passes, which I hope is not any time soon.

Being in pain isn’t helping my mood. I am listening to music to try and calm down but it’s not working. I don’t feel like reading as I read quite a bit today. Tomorrow I need to answer the questions of the chapter and then turn it in. I did find one typo that needs mentioning as the sentence doesn’t make sense otherwise.

I feel like my previous blog was a bitch rant and I don’t care. It is how I felt at the time. I am not sorry for how I feel but it was pretty harsh words. Pain will do that to you. All I keep hearing my psych would say is “calm down”. But how can I when my things are going to be potentially moved? All my books are in my office. All the hard work that I used for my research is in my office. Granted I have moved some of the stuff to my room, but most of it is still in my office. I might not use it every day and it’s mostly a holding area for stuff, but I do use the room. I really don’t want my sister living with me again. It will be too much. And what will become of my niece and nephew? They are just going to live in the streets while my sister has a roof over her head? That is what is really burning me up. She calls them selfish but I think she is if she doesn’t provide for her kids, no matter that they are over 18. Just really pisses me off.

It’s not like my sister doesn’t have her own apartment. She does. She has lived there for a long time. It’s her home. I don’t understand why she would want to give it up to live in a shitty small room that can barely fit a twin size mattress. I just don’t get it.

One thing is for certain, I always make do with my thinking. Some time in September I will go through with my plan to end my life. Then I don’t care what the hell happens to my things. They can have a bonfire in the backyard with it. But I seriously need to write a will and testament before I do. It will be tough but it will happen. I got less than four weeks to do this. Some deadline…literally.

If Depression Kills and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

If Depression Kills…

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/robin-williams-death-remembered-in-poignant-note-on-mistakes-people-make-about-mental-health_uk_57ac765ee4b08ab70dc173d1

I came across this article on Twitter as it’s the anniversary death of Robin Williams. There is also another article that is written by a friend of mine, also in the HuffPost, but I am unable to retrieve it at this time.

I posed the question that if depression kills, and I have depression and it kills me, would anyone care? I was expecting a response on Twitter but didn’t get any. On my Facebook page, I got lots of responses. One of them was from a dear friend of mine and he said that he would be devastated. I wanted to write to him and tell him that I was sorry and that eventually it will kill me. It’s only a matter of time.

I wrote to my psychiatrist. I wanted to tell her that the voices were telling me to off myself again but I didn’t want to worry her so I didn’t say that. I just needed a refill on my meds as I am running low and will be out if it’s not refilled soon. It would be dangerous for me to be without my meds, particularly my antipsychotic. I hope she calls it in soon. I had to take another trilafon because the voices are just so out of control tonight. I don’t know if that makes 2 or 3 doses that I have taken tonight. I usually put it in my app when I take the pill but I didn’t do that today. I am not a good paperwork keeper.

I was getting ready to sleep when a thunderstorm passed through. My spine immediately seized up on me. It felt like someone was twisting my lumbar vertebraes. I had to sit up because it was so uncomfortable. Now my ankle is screaming at me but I just took my pain meds so it’s just a waiting game to see when it will quiet down the screaming. I think my ankle is upset because I took a shower. It wasn’t a long shower. I timed it by listening to music and it was less than three songs, though I did end up having to clean the shower afterwards because my dirty feet made the shower floor dirty. It was driving my mother crazy. I cleaned it as best I could but couldn’t get all the dirt off the floor, even with the cleaner. Oh well.

I got hungry around 2030 so I made a tuna sandwich. Now my stomach is angry with me. I can’t win tonight. I just hope I don’t throw up. I really want to have something sweet, like Oreos, but am thinking it isn’t a good idea with my stomach being upset right now. I really want to go to sleep but I am overtired. I hate when I get like this.