Tag: chronic illness

oh what a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Oh what a day

My PCP was 25 minutes late. That started my day just perfectly. When he came in, the appointment commenced just as I predicted. He poked and prodded my ankle and toes. Told me I needed to lose weight. Said that my back was muscular in nature and then handed my prescription for my pain meds for the month. He also tested my urine as I told him it smelled really bad. I don’t know why. I hope I don’t have a UTI.

Next appointment, I was a half hour early but I had forms to fill out so that is what I did. Fill out the same forms that I filled out at the other PT place. Wish they would get their shit together. Appointment lasted just about ½ hour. There was some confusion on what treatment to pursue. She said she would try the ultrasound but I still need to do the strengthening exercises, but we’ll start slow. I told her which ones made me hurt more and she seems like she is willing to work with me. Better than the other idiot. I then go for aqua therapy when the “dry” therapy is over in four weeks. We should know by then what is helpful and what is not. I am feeling hopeless about the whole thing. But at least it gets me out of the house a couple of hours. She doesn’t know if she will be the one leading the aqua therapy or if it will be someone else. After the appointment, I got really frustrated because she did nothing but evaluate me. I have to wait until next week to actually do something. My back was not happy with the evaluation. Anytime I had to move, I hurt. I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what the point of all this is. My ankle is not going to get better. But I will go through all the rig a ma role to see if it does decrease my pain some.

It’s going to be nasty out tomorrow. But I am driving the 30 miles to see my therapist. I just hope the car has gas or I won’t be going anywhere. And that will really suck.

My mood has been up and down all day. I was really hungry when I came home from my appointments and found I couldn’t cook anything because my mother was baking. I nearly had a fit. I hadn’t eaten anything all day because I woke up late. Well, really, I woke up very early (3 am) and then went back to sleep around 5ish. I just couldn’t sleep. So around 0430, I took some Ativan and hoped that I wouldn’t sleep through my alarm. I woke up about a half hour before it went off. I had to take a shower and get ready. I didn’t want to get out of bed because the pain was bad and I was groggy from the short nap. I knew that what was going to happen. I hope it doesn’t happen tonight. I need to be out of the house around 9ish so I can be at my sister’s work by 10. All of this is dependent that my pain isn’t through the roof and the roads aren’t icy like they say they are going to be. I am not driving 30 miles in slush!

I feel awful. I am tired and my stomach keeps giving me mixed messages about whether or not it is going to hurl, all because my throat is dry. I haven’t had anything to drink except for my latte and some water at the doc’s office. I didn’t drink anything with my supper because I just didn’t feel like making something or getting a bottle of water. I think I would feel sicker if I drank something. The cough is giving me dry heaves, which is why I don’t want to drink anything. I know that a little stuff will come up and I don’t want that. Fucking cough is so damn stupid. I didn’t cough once while I was at the docs then when coming home, I couldn’t stop coughing. So annoying!!

Saturday Blog 12

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12

There were a couple of blow out games in college football today. One was the embarrassing Texas A&M vs. Bama, 59-0. Second game was with Ohio State 53-17. I am more of an Ohio State fan than I am of Bama. But I couldn’t believe these teams going in there scoring and just beating the crap out of the other team. I would have loved to have watched it but I like watching the scores on Twitter. Nebraska will be starting shortly, but they are on the BTN tv and I don’t have that channel. So back to Twitter again. I hope Ameer Abdullah gets his 122 yards to make 1,000 yards rushing. This guy is a beast!!

Today has been another exhausting pain day. I woke up around 7ish and then was able to go back to sleep a few hours later and that sucked whatever energy I had out the window. I only took one pain pill today because although I have been in pain, I knew this pain wasn’t going to be helped by opioids. It sucks and the only thing that would help would probably be gabapentin but that would seriously knock me on my ass.

I hate it when there is nothing that I can take for my pain. I am going to take the gabapentin and hope that I don’t wake up at 3 in the morning. I will be taking my night time meds soon. I just wish I knew what was causing this pain. I have literally been in bed for most of the day because I have been sleeping so I don’t understand why I am in pain. Throw the whole tendonitis theory out the window. Laying down doesn’t seem to help it and neither does standing on it so I don’t know what to do. The pain is quite intense throbbing starting from the middle of the side of my leg down into my foot. It is annoying as all hell.

I really wanted to go to the store today to get half and half so I could make coffee. I miss having it at home. But I can’t drink the coffee black and I can’t drink it with milk. I will just be wasting it. And it is not like I am buying cheap coffee to be thrown down the drain.

The side effects of the pink pill are in effect. I can feel the spasticity in my forearms again. So I just took a pill to counteract it. I hate that these side effects are happening more frequently than they have before. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about this but scheduling an appointment has been difficult. We are trying to shoot for Halloween but I haven’t heard back from her. The thing about the spasticity is that every time it happens, I think it is a MS flare up or something. I know I don’t have MS but people with CES can mimic MS symptoms. I don’t have any weakness though, least not that I know of, other than in my damn foot. It’s just something I like to discuss with her to calm my fears about MS.

It’s difficult being on this medication but I need to be on it to keep the voices at bay and the paranoia and delusional thinking that can happen. I have been taking it every other day to try to keep away the side effects but that doesn’t seem to be helping. And when I get stressed for some reason, the psychosis is worse. I am not stressed at the moment or I think I would be drinking more. The gabapentin that I took really zoned me out for a few hours and now it is hitting me again with dizziness and fatigue. I need to lay down so I will stop here.

Totally out of spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Totally out of spoons

I am so spent. I did too much today and now I am paying for it. I just had my meal, a bowl of cereal. Now I can hopefully relax as I am hurting.

I had to do some stuff for my father, surprised? Tomorrow I get to do the same things I did today, minus going to his house. He must have called me like 6 times today. He is in pain and the medication doesn’t seem to be working. I told him he can take two medication but he refused. Let him be in pain then. I am tired of dealing with him today. Tomorrow he will be seen by his doctor and hopefully they can give him stronger pain medication. I don’t care about that right now.

I have to conserve my energy (spoons). I have a long day tomorrow as I have to deal with my father and then I will be going out to dinner with some friends in the evening. At noon, I am supposed to have therapy but I am not sure I will be home for that. I haven’t quite decided what I am going to do after my father’s appointment. I know I probably will go home so I can rest, but it all depends on what time the appointment ends. I hope that we aren’t there all morning. That will just suck.

I was not in a private space to really talk to my therapist today. She kept going on about how many spoons I have lost even before I went to see my father today. I had a productive morning, all with no coffee on board. I was hoping to have a cup when I got to Starbucks. But for whatever reason, the coffee sucked today, even the blonde roast didn’t taste right. I wasted my money today for the first time. I am so disappointed. I hope tomorrow is better, I am going to need the coffee to get me through the day.

My therapist was funny today. She called me a geek and I think complimented me on being very “Bostonian”. LOL I guess I said “wicked” too much today and it just got to her. I was glad for the light conversation, as like I said, I wasn’t in a private space so talking about my suicidality or self harm urges were out. I actually haven’t had any urges to cut since Sunday. We however briefly, talked about it today. I some how developed a pimple on one of my scars and it was triggering me to cut. It was very itchy and course, when I popped it, made it really angry. I really thought about cutting for the first time in months. I kept thinking about how to make the scar “better”. I know this doesn’t make sense, but it really was how I was thinking that day. I almost had to call her Sunday to talk me out of it or to contract for safety.

I am looking forward to going out to dinner with my friends tomorrow. I am going to go even if it will kill me. I will just bring my cane and I should be fine. We are going to go to one of my favorite restaurants so I really don’t want to miss it. Plus, I haven’t seen my friends all year because of my stinking pain. I don’t see them often. The last two times we were supposed to meet, I couldn’t go because I was on bed rest. I really am looking forward to seeing them, we have a lot of laughs. So even though it will hurt me, I am going to see them anyways. I will take my pain medication with me just so that I can mingle. Luckily, there won’t be too much walking involved once we get there. My friends live south of Boston, almost near the Rhode Island border. I have to take the commuter rail to get there. I am going with my friend, who cordially invited me and will be treating us to dinner. He does this at least a few times a year, usually when it is my friends’ birthday. He is nice like that.

I think I am going to have to take a strong medication to kill this pain that I am in. I have been at an 8 on a scale of 1-10 for the past hour or so and obviously, my regular pain meds aren’t touching it. I didn’t think they would. I just did too much today. I was on my feet for more than 20 minutes, I walked long distances, and generally ran out of spoons by the time I even got to my father’s house. And there was one errand that I forgot to do, and that was mailing my therapist’s letters. Totally forgot to grab the envelope before leaving and didn’t remember until I got to Starbucks. I’ll have to remember tomorrow to do it because the rest of the week I will not be leaving the house. I need to recharge my spoon counts.

in so much pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I don’t normally write these types of blogs. But dammit, I am in so much pain that I just don’t know what else to do but write. It started when I got home from my appointment, around 3 pm. I didn’t walk too much, except to get my haircut down the street from the hospital. I just don’t know why my pain meds are failing me. Usually they work and I should be sleeping by now. I am listening to music to distract myself because I am staring at the bottle of my pills and thinking about just emptying it. It will harm me, there is no doubt. Might even kill me as I took my night meds as well. I just have to get through the next hour so that the meds can work. I have tried going to sleep or snoozing but I just can’t get comfortable. my foot is throbbing so bad.

I really want to talk to someone yet i don’t. I have had enough of trying to talk to people today. If my psychiatrist doesn’t get it then I doubt anyone will. I just feel like no one believes me anymore when I say that I am in pain. Course I act like a “normal” person. No one can see the hurt. No one else feels the hurt. I don’t even have a limp. I might drag my foot but that would be it. But right now, I am not doing anything but sitting on my bed, having my foot up, resting as comfortably as I possibly can. But it’s not enough because I am still in pain. My foot is not swollen, least not as I can see. But it hurts like a SOB. I really hate feeling like my world is ending because of this pain. I know it should be getting better but it’s not. It feels like it is getting worse. I have to wait two weeks for my new doc appointment to find out what is wrong with my foot. I bet you 100 bucks that they find nothing wrong with it! That will just about kill me, I swear. I see my psychiatrist the week before my appointment. I am going to tell her that if they don’t find anything wrong with it, I am done seeing doctors and I am done with life. There is no reason for me to go on if i am going to be in pain all the time. This just sucks so bad.

I don’t know what my therapist is going to say. I texted her that I was thinking of emptying the bottle. I doubt I will get a response. I never get a response from her. I get frustrated with her, too. I am just in agony and no one knows about it, except for you, the blogger world and internet. But will anyone care that I am in horrendous pain? I doubt it. I am just so tired, exhausted, of dealing with this pain all the time. Sure it is worse at night. At night I battle it more. I don’t know why that is. No one knows why that is. I guess because I am at rest? but that doesn’t make any sense! I shouldn’t be in pain if I am at rest!! I should take some neurontin. Maybe what I am feeling is nerve pain, not physical pain and that is why the pain medication isn’t working. I don’t know. I really don’t want to get up again to get more pills. I am tired of taking pills. I take so many pills for different conditions. One for this, another for that. It is so redundant. Yet without these pills, I can’t function properly.

I don’t want to die right now. Yet I don’t want to live either. It is such a conundrum. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t think that is too much to ask for?? I really feel like no one understands the pain that I am in. If they did, they would try and help me more. I get to see one more doctor for the same condition that i have had for the last three years. I thought that the AFO would have helped me but no, it is making things worse. Yet if I don’t walk with it, I am in more pain than without it. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, who is?