Tag: chronic pain

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired of feeling like shit

I had a big flare up Wed after I came home from therapy. My foot pain was really bad. I swear the pain was on a scale of infinity. I was taking my meds but it didn’t seem to work. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until my mother got up around 7 or so am. I slept all day with her calling me at least twice to “find out where I was”. Yesterday I was in a horrible mood. I came down in the morning and my mother was just being sarcastic. I didn’t even talk to her. I just used the bathroom and then went back to my bed. I stayed there all day. I thought today I would be able go to Starbucks and read but I was much to exhausted. That flare took a lot out of me. I barely had anything to eat. I am not hungry. I thought about ordering food but I really didn’t want to go all the way downstairs to get it.

My mood still sucks, though it should be good seeing as the dufus in office is getting close to being arrested or something. It will come out soon enough. I just hope we aren’t in a war by then.

I miss baseball. It was the one dependable distraction I could count on to help me deal with the pain. Now I got nothing. Facebook has a new thing about ads. OMG. I used to just have two taps to get rid of them, now I hide them, and I have to answer why I don’t like them before I can make them go away forever (for that particular ad). I am getting so sick of Facebook. Twitter just has nothing of interest. For every one dog or cat post, there are at least five about gun control and the NRA. I followed one doc and now she retweets everything. I get it is important but I don’t want to see the damn tweets every single day around the clock!! Fuck! I really don’t know what I want my social media to be about anymore. It isn’t entertaining like it used to be.

I don’t know, maybe it is me. My interest in things are low. I really wanted to finish the book NeverWhere and though I am half way done, I am still not close to finishing it. I tried this week but the damn pain flare threw me out of whack. I tried to read it tonight but my brain just couldn’t focus. Happens when I sleep all day for a couple of days. I end up in this stupor and don’t really know what day it is. I am still in pain but it is not as bad as it was before. Even typing this on my laptop, I am finding the letters to be a challenge. I guess I am just not with it.

My mother put my cake in the fridge. I don’t think it is supposed to be so it is probably hard as a rock. I’ll probably have to dump it and I am pissed about it. Fucking bitch thinks everything goes in the fridge or can be frozen forever. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with her the last few days because I was sleeping. She was really getting on my nerves. Someone in my support group mentioned finding a roommate and renting a place, but don’t tell my family. How the hell am I supposed to move out without them knowing?? Some people just don’t think before they let their ideas out. I hope me being up this late doesn’t cause me to be sleeping all day again. I got to get my pain meds tomorrow and I want a steak and cheese for supper. I took out burgers for lunch. I got to eat something more than cookies. I had coffee today but it didn’t help me stay awake. Maybe I should have some more now, LOL. I am drowsy but every time I lay down, my brain goes into a million things. I can’t shut it off. Drives me nuts. Pain is not helping because it is giving me anxiety, which just fuels the brain fire of thoughts. I am going to try one more time and if I can’t sleep, I am reading the Neil Gaiman book. I don’t know what else to do.

Sunday Blog 2 Dec 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 2 Dec 2018

It has been three days since I lowered my mood stabilizer dose by 300 mg and I am feeling better with each passing day. The first couple of days were rough, especially as Friday I had a flare that caused me to pretty much sleep all day yesterday. Today I was feeling better. I did some stuff, like empty my recycles. I went up and down stairs too many times as my foot is not yelling at me and the “glob” on my ankle is throbbing. I hope I didn’t cause another flare in the making. I also did my med boxes for the week. I have decided to keep my night med box at my bedside rather than on my bureau. It is just easier for me, especially when my ankle pain is exacerbated when I stand. The bones in my ankle just feel like they are being crushed when I bear weight. It goes away when I move about my room, usually by the time I reach my door, but I rather minimize pain when I can.

My mother made lasagna for supper. Not my favorite dish. I had a burger for lunch and then some watermelon rather than some cookies. I bought the watermelon last week so I had to eat it before it all went bad. I had it with my coffee. I bought Stevia in the raw as a sweetener so I can try to reduce my sugar. It tastes okay. I like that only need one packet but found that I need much less for a cup of tea. I think I will use regular sugar for tea as I am not sure how much to use. I just like it a little sweet. A friend of mine while I was working didn’t use sugar in her tea and sometimes I got the cups mixed up so was using less sugar and it stuck. I still need at least 2 teaspoons for coffee though. At Starbucks, I don’t use sugar in my espresso as the soy is sweet enough.

I am regretting canceling my appointment with my therapist for tomorrow as I am feeling better. Granted I have not been out of the house, though, since Friday. I need to go to the Square tomorrow to buy an ingredient for some cookies that my friend told me are made to help with constipation. I am not going to use brewer’s yeast like the recipe calls for but will use the flaxseed meal. I had some but gave the bag to my sister as I didn’t think I would use it again. Not sure if I will bake the cookies tomorrow or not. I still need to make the cranberry recipe as I don’t want them to go bad. I bought them the week before Thanksgiving hoping to make them for dessert but the fatigue stopped me. The baking dish has been in my kitchen since then and my mother yelled at me tonight to use it or put it away. (But it is okay for her stuff to stay as long as it wants.) I got to take my laptop downstairs when my foot calms down. She wants to get another freezer as the one we bought is not frost free and it is annoying her. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. I am not really feeling like being aggravated with her looking at specs and things (or her touching my screen!)

I read one chapter of NeverWhere before dinner. I am sort of hooked on it now as I want to see if the guy gets back to the real world. It is a really weird book. I will hold off on Neil Gaiman for a while after I finish this one. I wanted to read 25 books this year but cut it down to 22. I am up to 14. I don’t think I will meet my challenge. I think I read 20 books last year but pain really hindered my reading time as my concentration was lousy. I downloaded the History Channel app the other night when I was in a flare. I watched some show about Oak Island in Canada. There are a lot of seasons so I think they drag it out, like they always do. I am not a huge TV person and usually only watch an episode or two of something whenever. I still haven’t finished the Travelers season 1. I think I have 4 or 6 episodes left before reaching season 2. Season 3 is ready to drop in a couple of weeks. But each episode ends in like a cliff hanger so you have to watch the next episode! I usually watch when I can’t sleep and want to be up for a couple of hours. Usually by 3 or 4 am I call it quits. TV just keeps me up, which is why I don’t have one in my room. I would NEVER sleep! Or read!

I am almost done Christmas shopping. I just need to get my mother something, which is usually a gift card. I also need to get my kids something but no idea what. The only “kid” is 13, the other three are adults. I might get them gift cards too. The 13 year old likes snacks so maybe I will get some of her favorites. I am glad this year I have some cash left over for gifts. I usually don’t. I still worry that what I have left over now is going to dwindle some because my insurance is going up and I will have to pay for my prescriptions. And with the new insurance, I am not sure what I will be paying my therapist. If it is more than what my Medicare co-pay is then I will just stick with the Medicare and tell him to bill that and then just use the other insurance for the rest of my medical stuff as I think Medicare is getting in the way of my care. I don’t have proof, but just call it a gut feeling.

When you want to sleep but your brain has a million things to think of so you write a blog!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

When you want to sleep but your brain has a million things to think of so you write a blog!

I had a good appointment with my psychiatrist today. We went back and forth over what might be the cause of my sodium being low or rather me feeling crummy (she too, doesn’t think it is causing me to feel fatigued and crummy, UGH). I am a medical mystery. Well last night I got pissed off because no one was listening and decreased my damn oxcarb! I felt a little better today but I am still so fucking tired from going out. I left early and the fucking bus was late which threw me in a tizzy because I can understand the bus being late once or twice, but all the fucking time now and I have no idea why!! And the T doesn’t fucking care or sends you alerts AFTER the bus comes to the stop taking you to your destination.

Anyway, my psych doesn’t mind decreasing the oxcarb. I knew she wouldn’t. She isn’t a drug pusher like some docs. She wanted to lower my Invega but I am really on the lowest dose and it is an extended release pill so I can’t cut it. I am not taking much Ativan. Other than my breakthrough meds, I am not taking many meds during the day to cause me to be drowsy. I think the espresso carries me through until it wears off and then I crash. The sucky part of all of this is that I am not seeing my therapist and I HATE this part of the feeling crummy deal. I have to cancel Monday because this isn’t an easy fix. I might be able to see him Wed. She wants me to go down to 600/day by the next time I see her. She wants me to lower the dose in like 4 days but I am waiting a week until going down further because I know my body and I don’t want to go through withdrawal. Trust me, I went through it a few times and it isn’t pleasant! I am going to do some adjusting on my part as I will need to take it twice a day. It was a problem before as I wasn’t taking things twice a day and I would always miss my dose so I just took it at night. I was at 600 mgs until about 4 years ago when the hypomania came back and I had to take the 1200 mg. Now that I am taking meds in the morning, it won’t be that big a deal unless my pain makes me miss a dose but I will just take it when I get up because withdrawal sucks!! So I will have plenty of Trileptal for a while.

My pain has been mumbling most of the day today. I thought I was going to flare when I got home as while I was walking, my ankle starting hurting really bad. But nothing bad happened so maybe the AFO was irritating it or something. It is still early in the evening though so pain o’clock hasn’t come yet.

Don’t know if I mentioned this in yesterday’s blog but my barber was telling me his 4 year old son is carrying around my book and asks that it be read to him every day. I thought that was so cute so I bought him Anne Wheaton’s kid’s book called Piggy and Pug. It is a very cute story about adopting pets. I think that will be better suited.

I am so tired. It will be another hour before I can take my night meds. Hope the Ativan in it calms my fricken brain! Nothing worse than thinking a million things and not sleeping. It is going to be really cold as the temp is going to drop during the night. There might be snow this weekend, then will be 50 degrees for a day just to tease us then back to cold. I hope that by Tuesday I am feeling a little better. I don’t know if the 1L restriction is still in place or not. But seeing as I haven’t moved my bowels in a week, that isn’t happening until I shit again. I feel so uncomfortable. I probably will feel better when I go. I thought I was going to go today but it was a false alarm. I was going to take some more Miralax when I came home but once I got into my bed after changing, I didn’t want to go back downstairs and tried the nap thing that failed! I took 3 fiber pills so I am hoping for either colon blow or a big dump followed by colon blow. I’d be happy with a little dump at this point just so I know something is moving!

Fatigue is killing me!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Fatigue is killing me!!!

My alarm went off and I took my meds. I checked to see when my delivery would be here. It said in about 40 minutes. I quickly made some coffee and had a few sips when the truck came. The delivery didn’t include a few bottle of Powerade and the buffalo wings I had wanted to make for dinner. UGH. I guess it is ramen noodles or something. After I put everything away and then fixed the Powerade bottles so I could take a bag up to my room, I was exhausted. The weather took out my back so I was working slowly. Now I need a nap.

I emailed my psychiatrist around 8 last night to tell her I was frustrated with feeling like shit and being tired all the time worse than I usually am. I waited for a response and got none. It is now almost noon and still no response, I am ready to page her as I want to decrease my dose of my mood stabilizer even before my blood tests. I am just so fucking tired. Doesn’t help that my foot is going fucking bananas right now. It feels like a grater is grating the top of my foot. It is so sensitive right now.

I got an area of my stomach is killing me. Feels like gas is trapped and won’t go anywhere. Just fucking lovely. I have no idea if it is gas or shit. I don’t care but it better be moving because it hurts. I might take some miralax. That might work but if it doesn’t and works tomorrow, I am screwed because I will be out. I am ready to email my doc and say fuck it, I am decreasing my dose by 300 mg. And watch my sodium levels will be higher. (Don’t know if this will happen but I hope it will be so.)

I think I have to take some Neurontin because my foot is not calming down at all. Neuropathy is such a fun thing (being sarcastic here). It really sucks. But the pain is always so different. Drives me fucking crazy.

I am feeling really depressed and feeling like a nothing. Seems like everyone can do things I can’t. I hate that people can walk their dogs or go for walks period and I am over here struggling just to walk down my hallway and around the kitchen.

My lunatic aunt called to say to look out for my mother. When my mother came home, she called out for me. I asked what, and she told me I had a package. It was from my friend that is not doing so well. I honestly didn’t expect a package from him this year because of all his troubles. It was nice that he sent it to me. Now I got to get around to call him. Anyways, I went downstairs, barefoot, and then went to the kitchen where my ankle pain shot up so high my mother thought I was crying. I could have been the pain was so bad. I waited for it to pass but it didn’t. I opened the package and then put the fruit and nuts away. Then put the box in the recycle pile and went upstairs. I had to stop a few times because of pain.

I had a message from my psychiatrist when I got back to my room. WTF she didn’t understand what I have been telling her. I felt like telling her off but I didn’t. I simply said that if I don’t lower the dose of the medication, I won’t be seeing my pcp tomorrow because I will have no energy! I haven’t had a response. I honestly don’t expect one. It is my body and I will do whatever I want to get it so that it somewhat cooperates the way it is supposed to be and if taking 300 mg less of what I take will do that, so be it. I had a salty lunch of Ramen noodles and crackers. I had bought these crackers that were cheese and peanut butter but the filling was just peanut butter so the crackers must have been cheese crackers, I guess. They were good and salty so I didn’t care. If I am up to it, I might make a turkey Shepard’s pie. I really don’t want peas and pasta. I took some Neurontin to calm down the crazy nerve pain I am having. I have no idea if it is going to knock me out or make me goofy. Either case, I will be taking a nap soon and hope that my damn foot pain doesn’t increase. I am just so wiped out that if I don’t sleep, I don’t think I will be making anything.