Tag: chronic pain

a little bit of everything Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A little of everything Monday

I got about 5 hours sleep. I then went to Starbucks after making a PB&J sandwich for lunch. I ordered 6 shots of espresso and a donut. I wrote a little bit before I had to leave to see my psychiatrist. I kind of left early so had like a half hour to kill. I didn’t want to check in that early so I just found a bench outside the office and wrote a little more in my journal.

The appt did not go very well. I told her about having to go through withdrawal last week because I was late in taking my pain meds and she called me an addict. I tried to correct her saying I was dependent but it fell on deaf ears. She kept repeating addict and it make me hurt so bad. I seriously didn’t expect this from someone I have known nearly 25 years. She was being ignorant but it hurt none the less. I vented to my support group about it. I would school her later.

After the appt, I went to the Sprint store to change my name now that I have changed my license. It took maybe 10 mins. Crap. I still had like 2 hours before I had therapy. I went to a Starbucks by my therapist’s office and just ordered hot water for tea. I made Earl Grey. I waited for it to cool so I wouldn’t burn myself. The water was wicked hot. I wrote in my journal about what my psychiatrist had said. I then posted to a Facebook pain group if they had any information about the difference between addiction and dependence. The bathroom at Starbucks was out of order so I left to go to my therapist office. All the drinking fluids was building up and needed relieving. I just made it to the bathroom in time.

Therapy sucked. I told him about what my psych said and he said I should ask her what she meant. After discussing that, I just rambled about anything to make the time pass. I didn’t bring up mommy and daddy issues but the idiot asked me again what was my pain like. I swear he thinks I am making shit up. I told him it varies and depends on where the pain is. It is usually half my foot/ankle going outward starting about the 3rd toe. I told him I got depressed and hopeless and it was hard to keep up the mental stuff with the PT exercises the PT gave me. He said just do them. Yeah, cause it is that fucking easy. Are you serious?? He just annoyed me more than my psych ever did in all the years we worked together.

I get home and on the way, my cousin called me. He was unable to call the bank like he said he would to get information for me. Lazy ass. He said he would tomorrow. Sure, and I will win the lottery too. His mother really irked me because she called me while I was on my way to my psych appt. She wanted to know if my mother was okay. I told her she had to go to the bank, which her brother was going to take her. My mother wasn’t answering the phone. Well, maybe she was in the bathroom getting ready or taking a shit. I don’t know, I am not home. She got me fricken worried and all worked up. My psych sensed it when she saw me. I told her I would call my mother when I left as I was sure she was fine. She was. She was out and did some errands, which she obviously didn’t tell her sister. HOW DARE SHE! LOL fucking stupid bitch my aunt is. Freaks out all the fucking time over NOTHING!! I was so heated!

I get home and had something to eat before going to my room. I had a pile of mail. I brought it up to my room and then checked Facebook. The pain page responded with some links. I clicked on one and there was another link for a medical article on addiction and dependence. I opened it and read some of it. According to the article, because my pain is not adequately treated, I would have pseudoaddiction, where I watch the clock and appear “drug seeking” for relief of pain. I sent the PDF (attached to this blog APS_consensus_document here) to my psych along with saying that I felt hurt when she called me an addict. Then the tears flowed and I was a sobbing mess. It took me a good while to get composure. Then she responded and I bawled again. Fuck. She said it was not her intention to hurt me and that she didn’t want me to be dependent on the narcotics. Too late for that. And for that matter, I am dependent on my mood stabilizer, which I responded back to. I told her I didn’t want to be on opioids but the benefits outweighed the risk. I knew and accepted this just like I knew I needed meds for my mental illness. I told her the example of how I withdrew when I forgot to take my mood stabilizer for two days when my father was ill. I honestly didn’t think anything would happen but I had the same type of dizzy spell I had last week when I missed my pain med dose.

No one wants to be dependent on their meds but it happens to the best of us. I knew when I was 16 I would need to be on meds the rest of my life. There was no doubt about it. I had severe mental illness and the only way to manage it was through medication and therapy. Unfortunately, the therapy part hasn’t worked out yet. I can’t say I am cured, because I still have bouts of debilitating depression and suicidality. But lately, the pain has fucked up everything. Now I am depressed and suicidal due to a medical condition, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. And there is no fucking way to control it because it is as unpredictable as the New England weather. I don’t even have the same pain twice during a flare up. It is all fucking different as night is to day. The only type of pain that is somewhat consistent is the fucking malleolus pain and the pain that is where my outward ankle and foot merge, just under the malleolus moving toward the foot. This pain drives me up the fucking wall. I had to text the Crisis Text line last night because I needed someone to talk to at 0100. I didn’t get a “counselor” till 0200. By then, I was sleepy and hungry. I made something to eat and then I said night to the “counselor”. The whole thing was useless. She kept wanting me to do some coping skills. I kept wanting to talk about dying. She didn’t want to hear it. How is that helpful?? Next time, I just write in my journal or maybe blog and hope the cops don’t show up at my door.

The temp dropped to 32 degrees. I had to shut the window because it was flipping freezing in my room. My feet got cold as ice so had to put on thermal socks. Then I had to use the bathroom again. I figure I would take my night meds when I came back to my room. My mother wanted me to make her bed. I did. Then got tucked back to my bed only to realize I didn’t take my night meds! Fuck. My ankle didn’t like me getting up again. I quickly took them and then got back under the covers. I put on a long sleeved T shirt. If the heat kicked on, I will take it off. Shit my foot is burning right now. Neurontin time!

Oh, while I met with my psych, we discussed the drug Vimpat. I wanted to make sure there were no interactions with the Trileptal as they both work on the same sodium channel thing. Last thing I need is my sodium (blood salt) to drop. She was okay with me trying it so I emailed the neurologist to go ahead and call it in. He hasn’t so far. The script for a refill of Trileptal my psych put it, never made it to the pharmacy. I had to email her again. For some reason, it had to be reviewed by the pharmacist so it is delayed. I’ve been on this med for over 10 years. If it is not ready for pick up tomorrow, I am calling to find out why it is not ready. If I didn’t have all my meds at this pharmacy, I would switch to another one. But this one is the closest to me and has better service than Rite Aid.

Another night of being up all night in pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I drank some wine before bed last night to try and relax a bit. All it did was give me heartburn. The meds were making me sleepy with the addition of alcohol, but the pain didn’t care. I wasn’t going to sleep. My damn foot and ankle kept me up till around 5 am, might have been after as I wrote an email around 5. Then about 3 hours later, my phone kept going off but I was too groggy to figure out why. It went off again around 10 and it was the med app alarm. I had to take my pain meds. I shut it off and promptly went back to sleep. I didn’t get up again until around 1400 to use the bathroom. I went back to bed for another hour or so. Then hunger took over. I got up, took my pain meds, and then made a graham cracker cereal. I knew my mother would be asking me what I wanted for dinner but as I made my way back up to my room, she was lying down, sleeping. Oh well.

I played on my phone and checked my messages. Zipcar responded to my request for name change by telling me what to do to do so. I just did it before writing this blog. I sent them a copy of my legal document and my license. That should be good enough. Monday I will go to the Sprint store to change my name. I think I will do it either before I head into Boston or after my therapist’s appt. I still need to go to the bank near me to change my name for my lousy retirement plan. There is less than $200 in it because I no longer work and have been bad about saving money to put into it. Then, I think I will be done with name changing things.

I’m going to try and watch the OSU game. I can’t believe it’s the last game of the season. There might be a game come New Year’s, based on this game but that is it. They had a good season, my Bucks. Beating Xichigan last week was awesome! I don’t know if I will be able to watch the whole game like I did last week. I am not hurting big time but I am tired. I also had to wash dishes after supper because my mother was hurting. She had made fried mushrooms and Rapi, it’s really bitter. It’s from the spinach family, I think. I don’t like either. I made an egg McMuffin. That seems to be my kick the last few days. Then I will move on to something else. I wanted to make bacon today but didn’t get up early enough to do so. Be nice to have bacon and egg Mcmuffin.

My psych just emailed me. I forgot I had emailed her some time during my sleepless night. She needed to change the appt time, which I had a feeling she would do. I don’t mind as I was dreading the back to back appts between seeing her and my therapist. Now I have a few hours to rest in between. Does suck though because that means I need to be up earlier. Hope the buses are on time.

bone pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bone pain and other things

Around 11, I was feeling tired so decided to nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but my mother woke me up to help her put on an ace bandage on her leg to help with swelling. I laid down and was okay for about 10-15 minutes. Then pain in my malleolus erupted severely. It hurt so bad I was crying. I couldn’t move to sit up to take pain meds, it was that bad. I waited for it to settle down, and it never did so I carefully moved to take my meds. I then emailed my neurologist to find out of this was CRPS related or if something else was going on. I then posted on my Facebook CRPS support group to see if anyone else had this kind of pain. I just wanted to die.

I got a few responses from the group saying they had experienced similar pains. After a while I started to get hungry but I still hurt and had no idea how I was going to make myself some lunch. I waited for my pain meds to kick in. After a while the pain subsided but didn’t go away completely. The bone was still very tender. I decided to wear the boot so I could keep pressure off it. But I had to stand in order to do so. I carefully stood and I was in pain but it was bearable. I got the backpack that had the boot and took it out. I put my foot in the boot but then another pain emerged. I made it down the stairs carefully and tried to let the boot do its job by not bearing weight.

I went to the kitchen and made an egg McMuffin. I had a soda with it because I didn’t feel like having juice. After I ate, I decided to see if there was mail. So I went down the stairs again. The mail hadn’t come yet. I went to my sisters to have some junk food. She had some chocolate covered nuts so I had some of those as well as some chips. Then I made it back up to my room. I still wanted a nap. I had an hour to kill before the state called me for an interview for food stamps. I was getting really sleepy. I set my timer for 45 mins and laid down, hoping my foot didn’t flare up again. About ten minutes in, my loud mouth aunt comes over. JFC, really?? I was so fucking pissed off. If she didn’t shut her mouth, I was going to shut it for her. Luckily she quieted down after a few minutes and I tried to nap. Before I knew it, the timer ran down and went off. UGH I didn’t want to get up. My loud mouth aunt was still visiting my mother and I had to go to the bathroom. Good thing I went because the hardware in the tank was running water. Guess that was why the water bill was high. I did my business after bringing this to my mother’s attention. My brother in law would have to fix it as I had no clue how the thing worked.

The place called at the appointed time and promptly, placed me on hold. Nice. I waited a few minutes and got connected to someone. I swear I was on the phone for 10 minutes after giving them a little information and then she said they would mail me out a letter of the documents they needed and I had to send them within 30 days. Complete waste of fucking time!! Why couldn’t they send me that in the two letters they sent me this week!!??? I was aggravated.

I wasn’t hungry as I felt pretty full off the junk food I ate. But I wanted something. My mother was cooking something so I went downstairs to see what it was. She made asparagus and eggs. I had a sandwich and was overfull. I shouldn’t have eaten it but oh well. Least I won’t be hungry later on. I wanted to make a cup of tea but didn’t feel like making it. I started my blog and my mother screamed my name. I hurried to see what she wanted. Someone was on the phone and she couldn’t hear what they were saying. I picked up the phone in her room and it was a telemarketer for windows. I told them I wasn’t interested and to take me off their list. The jerk hung up on me!! Bitch.

Going to have a glass of wine before I change my mind. My sister bought my mother my favorite kind of red wine and I have been craving a glass. I don’t have wine that often, if at all. I’ll probably have half a glass as that is usually plenty. Cheers!

another day of messing up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another day of messing up

I woke up around 730 or so, I am not sure. I know I took my pain meds and then did my business in the bathroom. I think I recorded taking the pills in my Google drive excel sheet. I could have sworn I emailed the file to myself. Least I thought I did. I left the house around 0820 to go to Starbucks for breakfast. I had breakfast and then I went to work on the file. I had some difficulty connecting to Starbucks WiFi so I just used my hotspot. I check my email and there was no file attached. I checked my phone to see where it saved to and got nothing. I just figured I could work on the spreadsheet online. HUGE mistake. Either my computer was slow and couldn’t keep up or the internet connection was shit. Either way, whatever I did was saved, thus preventing me from undoing whatever I did. I lost ALL MY DATA FOR THE YEAR!!! I have no idea if there is a way to recover it or not. I was so annoyed I just fumed.

My cousin called me and told me my uncle was in the hospital. He didn’t tell me which one so I was like whatever. No one tells me anything anyway so I am not worried. I decided to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts. As I was responding to some message, my sister called me telling me she was taking my mother to the doctors and that my uncle was at the place I was going to. After I picked up the scripts I went over to the building where my uncle was. A lot of walking. I stood the whole half hour or so while I visited. My ankle and back didn’t like that one bit. Around 1130, I left to go home and wished my uncle well and get better soon. He was thankful I visited.

I got home and wondered what time I had taken my pain meds. I figure around 1500 I would take them. I marked it in my med app to remind me of the next dose. I recorded it but didn’t take the meds. Then I got busy with my niece coming home from school and my mother coming home from the doctors. I had made a cup of coffee as my niece came home. I’ll probably be up all night but I think pain is going to be a major factor. My mother got settled and then I cooked dinner for my niece, my mother, and I. Nothing fancy just hot dogs and beans for my mother and I and mac and cheese for my niece. When we were finished and I was cleaning up, I didn’t feel right. I started feeling like I did the other day when I missed my pain meds. Uh oh. I went up to my room to take my meds but my damn bowels decided to act up. I had to run downstairs and I just made it to the bathroom. My ankle and foot didn’t like the run part at all. When I had finished, the liquid soap was out so I refilled it. That was the intention. I got the stupid soap every where because the hole in the bottle was small and caused an air bubble. I was ready to say fuck it when I figured out how to get it in. My back didn’t like standing while I emptied the small bottle of liquid soap and neither did my ankle. I was getting really dizzy and needed to get to my bed. Soon as went to my room, I took my meds. Now I got to fight off the withdrawal until they kick in.