Tag: chronic pain

waking up in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Waking up in pain, all day in pain, can’t sleep because of pain, when will it end???

Around 0430, I woke up in pain. I had to use the bathroom and was walking ok until I left the bathroom. My foot exploded in pain. It was hard to walk back up the stairs to my room. I thought about calling my psychiatrist but what can she do? She can’t do anything. I feel so frustrated. I took my strong pain pill and some Neurontin. I also took some fiber so I can have a bowel movement. I hate being backed up because of meds.

Looks like today is going to be another day in bed. I just don’t care. I wanted to go to the Square for some espresso. If I feel up to it later, maybe I will make some coffee at home. I still have my Hawaiian coffee. I now use spring water to make my coffee rather than tap water. It makes the coffee taste better.

My last grocery order I bought some Boar’s Head bacon. It’s already cooked, you just microwave it to heat it up. I might make a bacon and egg burrito when I make the coffee. It all depends on how I feel.

I got the results of my blood tests. My cholesterol and HDL are over the normal by 1 point. My doc said that it was “very mildly elevated”. It could be the meds causing it. I’m not worried about it. If it was more than a few points, I might be. Everything else looks good.

Man my foot is hurting so damn bad. It feels like it is being crushed. I hope I get back to sleep soon but I’m not sure because of the pain I am in. I took some Ativan to calm me down as I am getting upset by the pain.

in a depressed state

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a depressed state

I wanted to write another blog last night but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt super depressed about being in pain and it just caused this downward spiral. I just wanted to die. I still feel this way because my pain is really bad. I didn’t go to PT today because I didn’t sleep. I went to bed after 0400. I thought I would be able to go but I just could not get myself up. I called about an hour before my appt to say I wasn’t going.

I tried calling the courthouse to set up a time for Tuesday. For some stupid reason, I said 9. WTF was I thinking?? So 9 am Tuesday I go with my paperwork to get my name changed legally. Then the headache of calling everyone and their mother starts. I’m going to try and go to Social Security the following week. Depends on how I feel. Once that is done, I will go to the RMV to change and hopefully renew my license. My license expires in Dec so I don’t know if it’s too early to renew. I have to go in person, which is going to be a pain in the ass.

Around 4, I emailed my psych telling her I had enough and that I had a plan and I was going through with it. She wanted me to call her this afternoon. I paged her after I had something to eat. As I was going back to my room, my foot bones exploded with pain. I was again suicidal. I just wanted to die. There is no reason for me to continue going on. I don’t see the point in talking to her, I really don’t. My pain is not going to change, well it will but only for the worst. I’m still waiting to hear back from her. I really don’t care if she doesn’t call. I’m not really in a talking mood.

disgusted about appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disgusted about appt and other things

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I kept changing my alarm until it was leave now or be really late. Well, the 945 bus never showed up and I had to wait for the next one, which didn’t take me to the Square. I was late to my 1100 appt. To make it worse, they had delays on the red line. Just lovely. I met with the coordinator for the pain support group. Things were going well, I thought, until I was about to leave, she says that she is not sure the group is for me because of my suicidal history and psychotic symptoms. I was floored. This bitch is the only thing standing between me and joining this group. I am done trying to please her. So she can shove the group up her ass. I am telling my psychiatrist that I don’t want to join the group when I see her next week. I will also leave this bitch a voicemail saying that I am no longer interested. I have waited all year to get into this group and it’s been nothing but red tape.

I then left to get my scripts and get my blood drawn. I was starving by this time as the blood needed to be fasting. I couldn’t wait to get to Starbucks. I needed caffeine and a sandwich. Afterwards, I planned on getting my haircut. I didn’t write in my journal as I just wanted to get my haircut and go home. He did a good job and I am happy with it, as always. I caught the bus home and then went to Walgreens to fill my pain meds. I was hoping there wasn’t going to be a problem filling both scripts. There wasn’t. I then asked what went on with name changes and she told me I needed to go to Social Security and then the RMV before I called my insurance. UGH. I didn’t think of that part. I knew I was going to go to those places but didn’t know I had to do it right away. I need to renew my license but I don’t have the money to do it until the next pay period. I think I am going to put it off a week. It’s going to take me some time to get to Social Security because the closest office near me is in Cambridge but isn’t T accessible. I would have to take a zipcar. I am not entirely sure where it is either. I know the vicinity but I have never been there. While I am there, I am going to have them unblock me so I can access my records online.

I told my mother I will be ordering Chinese food for supper. I figure I would order so she doesn’t have to cook. I have been trying to make it easy for her to have meals or to help her but some days it’s hard for me. I feel bad that I can’t always be dependent on because of my pain levels. Today I tried coming up with ten items my PT wants that I want to work on. I wrote 2 in a spreadsheet on the way home. I can’t think of anything else but these two, wanting to stand for longer than 10 minutes in the shower and making small meals or baking without having to sit at each step. It would be good to be able to make pancakes without having to sit because standing causes me too much stress. I don’t know if this is possible but it’s better than nothing. If I come up with something more before tomorrow, I’ll jot it down.

The PT wanted me to use compression socks but my foot/ankle has been so sensitive that I can’t put it on. Even now with the AC and ceiling fan going it’s hurting my foot. I haven’t been able to do the exercise she gave me because I have been in too much pain. I feel bad about this. I can only do what I can. I’ve had a busy week and next week is busy too. I see the neuro specialist. It’s at 8 am. I think I am going to skip the PT session so I can make it as waking up in the morning hasn’t been happening and I don’t want to wait another 3 months for this doc. It really sucks that I need rest days in between appts and stuff. Just planning things is really difficult because I don’t know what my pain is going to be like until that day hits.

where has the hope gone?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Where has the hope gone?

I woke up around 8 in pain. I took some pain meds and went to the bathroom. I fell back to sleep only to wake up in pain again. I called my friend to tell him I wasn’t going to see him or my friends south of Boston. I felt pretty crummy about cancelling as I was really looking forward to going. My friends understood. They still love me but some how I feel so hopeless. I know it is because of the stuff the PT did yesterday that I am hurting and it’s not always going to be like this. My brain does know this but my feelings are in this abyss of things are never going to get better. I just want to die right now. Just end my life so I don’t have to hurt anymore.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the good news about PT. I asked her, again, for an appt time and she responded with one. It’s next Friday morning. I will have my name changed by then, I hope.

I’m going to cry myself to sleep now. I just hurt too much.