Tag: chronic pain

up and at ’em

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Up and at ‘em

I woke up around 0400. I have been waking up every few hours and this time, I felt a little energized so I decided not to go back to sleep because then I would feel yucky. I played with my phone for an hour, reading the latest bullshit Trump and his goonies have said or done or signed into the “Executive Order”. I was getting sick to my stomach. This was on Twitter. Then I go to Facebook and there is the same crap but worse. UGH, you just can’t escape him. Is this what it is going to be like the next four fucking years?? I hope they impeach the ass sooner rather than later.

I made coffee to try and keep my energy levels up and had breakfast. I still plan on having my espresso later when I do my errands before going to my psych appt. I am feeling a little better than I was yesterday, mood wise. But that can change. I finally took a shower and it didn’t exhaust me. I just hope my energy levels stay up. I think I am going to catch the 950 bus to the Square. I have to go to the post office and the bank. I need more mailers to send out my books. I’m going to buy a bunch of them so I don’t run out again, least for a while. My books aren’t selling like hot cakes but each book that goes out is something.

I am hoping my psychiatrist remembers to bring my book in her office so I can sign it. I sent her an email last night to remind her. I hope my appointment goes well. I am kind of nervous. I sent her my blog yesterday that still had indications that I am suicidal. It wasn’t blatant but she isn’t stupid. If she read it, I think she might have called me if she was concerned and she didn’t. Plus, I am seeing her today so we can talk about it.

I kind of want another cup of coffee but that means having to clean my French press and I am not in the mood to wash things. It’s not that hard but it’s just a pain in the ass as I hate getting my hands full of grounds. Maybe I will make a cup of tea. I am starting to feel drowsy, seems my energy has a short lifespan this early in the morning. I still have about four hours until I want to take that bus. Maybe I will take the 0700 bus and get out of the house. I haven’t left the house since last Friday. It’s been a rough week. Maybe if I hit the fresh air, I will wake up some.

I will tweet my friend on Monday to see if he has found anyone. I hate to be a bother to him because he is such a nice guy. In a way, I hope he says, why don’t I see him. It would be cool to talk to him because I really like him. I think he would be a wonderful therapist but I am scared that he will just throw me in the hospital every time I am suicidal. That is the only reason for not seeing him. He had a patient die by suicide a more than a few years ago and it devastated him. He is a little wiser now with suicidal patients. But I would love to teach him the ways of CAMS and the SSF. If I had to retrain a therapist, it would be him. But that is my dream and I don’t know if it will come true.

I will write more later when I am home from my psych appointment. Toodles.

Overslept

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Overslept

I had put on my “do not disturb” function on my phone and I thought my alarm would ring despite that. I was wrong. I slept through my grocery delivery. Now it will have to be delivered tomorrow. The guy was nice and waved the restock fee as it was my first time missing it. I know that I am not going to do that again!

After I made a few phone calls, I went back to sleep. I wanted to make coffee but my pillow was calling me. So I slept most of the afternoon. I guess all the meds that I took yesterday to sleep, caught up with me today. I am just so tired. My foot has been acting up but I had avoided taking pain meds because I didn’t want to sleep through dinner. I just took some now. I hope the pain doesn’t get worse. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill this early in the evening.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel like it’s going to be awkward as we haven’t talked in three weeks. I am nervous about it. I feel more nervous that I am not going to talk to her next week either, that the time we had for a month from now will be the time we next talk. I don’t like this arrangement at all. And I am wicked pissed off that she just gave my times away and now she has to wait for a cancellation to fit me in. WTF. I still am so mad she decided to meet monthly and not discuss it with me first. I seriously, at the time, was like fuck you anyways, but I didn’t think getting in to see her would be so damned difficult.

I was talking with a psychologist friend of mine on Twitter. I sent him a DM about my situation and he said he is going to make some calls to some therapists he knows that takes my insurance. I guess when those names comes in, it will really be final that my therapist and I are through. After sixteen years, I still can’t believe it. My psychiatrist says that it’s not my fault. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I think I was talking to one of my friends last night before going into oblivion about how I will have to “train” a new therapist in my suicidal ways to help me. The idea of having to do this again just fills me with dread. I don’t know if a new therapist will be open to new ideas or just stuck in their way of treating suicidal patients. If that is the case, it’s not going to fucking work. I can’t work with someone with a “no suicide contract”. Those just don’t work as I can just find a loophole. The whole process is just leaving me feeling so damn nervous. It just makes me say fuck it and just go through with my plan anyways. I just feel so hopeless.

Last night I was having a hard time and I talked with my friend in Canada. We have been through a lot of shit together with CES. And we both get each other. She made me laugh and forget about my troubles for a bit. It was good talking to her. I got her payment for my book today. I will go to the bank on Friday as I am not sure I can use mobile deposit as it’s a money order.

bad mood most of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood most of the day

I’ve been in a bad mood most of the day so I just decided to sleep it off. It didn’t help. I am still in a rotten mood. I had some messages when was awake. My therapist texted me saying she was in contact with my psychiatrist and that she will “try” to contact the therapist that I asked her to. She said she is still working on a time for us to meet. I don’t care at this point. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing.

The friend that I was talking to in the early morning sent me a few messages. I ignored them. I don’t want to talk to her today. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. Just leave me the fuck alone.

I was half tempted to page my psychiatrist this morning to see what my therapist told her. I might email her. I don’t know if I can wait till Friday. But I don’t care right now. My therapist could go to hell right now. I just can’t deal.

I got to lie down again. I wrote enough for today.

an 0500 rambling

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An 0500 rambling

About two hours ago, a friend sent me an PM (private message) on Facebook saying she couldn’t sleep because her mind was going. We chatted maybe for about twenty minutes and then nothing. Not one single message back. I got pissed off. She must have dozed off to sleep. Yay for her. I am still up two hours fucking later. My foot is still fucking hurting and my back pain has seemed to settled down though, can’t say for sure because I haven’t laid back down yet.

The tension in my neck is killing me. I have tried to rub it out or message it but I can’t do it for too long without my hands cramping up on me. It feels great afterwards so I know I am doing something right. But the tension relieved is short lived. I really need to see a message therapist to get the kinks out of my neck and shoulders. They sure as hell aren’t going to touch my back. I don’t fucking care. No one touches my back, not even me!

I wrote in my journal hoping it would make me sleepy. Yea right. About a half hour into it, I catch my second wind and that’s all folks, I am up all night. I took a Benadryl to see if that knocks my ass out. I had taken an Ativan a few minutes before my friend PM’d me but I’m still awake! I also took some more pain meds. Nothing is working tonight. Though it’s really morning. UGH. I feel like paging my psychiatrist and just yelling at her for something she hasn’t done. What that something is I am not sure. I put my phone on “do not disturb” mode so no one calls/texts/messages me. Well, they can, but I just won’t hear the notifications.

I’m sort of getting hungry as it’s been more than 12 hours since I last had something to eat. I ate the last protein bar in my room. I meant to bring a box up but forgot. I really don’t want to go downstairs as my foot will most likely have a fit and a half. Think when I get up later today, I will make my oatmeal pancakes. I haven’t had them in a very long time.

For some strange reason, I was thinking about my father and wanted to call him as I haven’t heard from him in a while. I was going to text my sister and then I remembered he’s dead. That hit me hard. This time last year we were going through his radiation treatments for his stupid cancer. That was fun for three weeks. Then his health went downhill the end of the month and he was dead near the end of April. It was terrible watching him deteriorate. I had become his health care proxy sometime in March. That was really fun, especially when he was in the nursing home and they needed me to fill out this and that every other damn day. Then when he was really sick and going to die, they needed me to change his DNR forms because it wasn’t “right”. UGH. More paperwork to sign.

I ordered my groceries for the next few weeks. I wanted steak so I ordered it. It’s been a while since I last had it. It’s tough to buy things when you are the only person that likes it. It would be fine if my mother liked steak but she doesn’t. So I just get the smallest piece/pound possible and get it. Tomorrow I start my diet so I basically bought the minimum stuff I would need. I know the Superbowl is going to be my cheat day. There is no way it’s can’t be as I would want chips and salsa and pizza that day. I won’t order out as I have pizza in my freezer. Red Baron is pretty good pizza. Not as good as fresh but close to it.