Tag: chronic pain

just a blog about nothing important

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just a blog about nothing important

I’ve been sleeping for most of the day. Only time I have left my room was to use the bathroom. I haven’t eaten anything but a protein bar and I think that is all I am going to eat today. I just got no appetite. I am in pain so I took some pain meds. I ended up taking my trilafon late because I didn’t wake up till after 1500. I don’t care, as long as I take it, that is all that matters.

I keep having heavy thoughts. I see my psychiatrist in two days. I haven’t emailed or spoken to her since last weekend. I wanted to share my blog with her that I wrote last night but it was password protected and I didn’t want to bother her with that. I could have just pasted the blog in an email but I didn’t feel like doing that either. I just feel like I am in a rut that is going downhill and I can’t seem to stop it.

My mother is playing her idiotic dice game that is aggravating the shit out of me right now. Nothing like hard dice hitting a glass table top. The sound is annoying. Wish she would just go to the living room and watch her TV shows. She had called me asking what I wanted for dinner and I told her I would make the hot dogs that I didn’t make last night. I might make them later if I feel like it. I really don’t want to leave my bed right now.

I keep thinking about what I plan on doing next week. A lot needs to be done. I just hope I don’t chicken out. That will really suck. I guess a lot depends on how my appointment goes with my psychiatrist this week. I talk with my therapist next week but it will be our last session. I have decided to end things with her because she is in no position to do so. She wants to have at least three sessions to terminate and I don’t see the point of that. I miss seeing someone weekly but I don’t want to be in therapy. It sucks not talking to someone every week, other than my psychiatrist. I wish my psych could be my therapist. Then I will have it made. But she doesn’t do therapy.

I am fretting over my decision that I have made in the coming week. It is not a sure method and I have my doubts that it will work. I am scared though. I would go into detail about it but I think I will just write in my journal my fears. I have been meaning to write in my journal every day since the start of the year but that hasn’t worked out too well. I have skipped a day here and there or sometimes more than that. Doesn’t matter. I have my blogs that I have written every day, sometimes a few times a day.

In a Pissed off Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a pissed off mood

I didn’t go to sleep till well after 3 am. Then around 0500, my foot explodes and I was woken up from a sound sleep. You got to be fucking kidding me! I am still awake as I wait for the pain meds to knock me back out again. This doesn’t bode well as I had things to do today. I guess they will have to wait till tomorrow. I know I am going to be in a pissy mood most of the day and not wanting to leave my bed. I wanted to get at least three books out in the mail today but that isn’t going to happen. Fucking A, I am so mad!!

This hasn’t happened in a while, but I could have slept a little longer than about 2 hours or so. My foot still hurts so the pain meds still hasn’t kicked in yet, though I have take it an hour or so ago. I am not in a good mood at all. I want to make coffee but I don’t know if I can stand on my foot or it will become really angry if I put weight on it. So I am stuck on my bed until the pain meds kick in. Great life I lead, eh?

I am so sick of being in pain all the damn time and being woken up from a sound sleep. I am listening to my favorite music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, to help calm me down. Her voice is so soothing. I am hoping it won’t lead me to my dark thoughts, even though I am in a pissy mood.

My mother will be getting up soon. I will be going to bed. Then we will have the conversation of me “sleeping like sleeping beauty”, which I blew up at her at because I was so pissed off of hearing her say that all the damn time. She thinks sleeping all day is a bad thing but when you are up all night, it’s a godsend sometimes. I can see if I was sleeping all day because I was depressed or something, but when you are up all fucking night due to pain, there is a difference.

I feel like paging my psychiatrist and telling her my plans are still on in full force because I haven’t slept all night but 2 bloody hours, maybe less as I really don’t know what time I passed out. It really sucks when you are in a sound sleep and get woken up by feeling like your foot is being torn apart. I thought at first I was dreaming of this pain but I woke up and it wasn’t a dream. Fucker. Maybe I will take another Ativan yet again to calm my ass down and get back to sleep as this pain medicine isn’t doing shit not after two hours. I am agitated as anything. That isn’t good when you are feeling suicidal. If I had hair, I’d probably pull it out. I am glad I have short hair. It makes it hard to pull on your hair. I might go to the barber when I am better and get buzzed again. My hair has grown back even though it’s only been two weeks since my last cut. My hair grows fast. I think it is because I always cut it. Or it could be my psych meds. I don’t know.

I am going to attempt to get three books from my box that is a foot away from my bed. Got them, I was very careful not to put pressure on where the pain was. But as I was getting back in bed, I accidently did so the pain acted up again. Fuck. It’s going to be a day in bed. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. That will be torture. Oh, how I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms were.

It feels like I am putting tremendous pressure on my toes when there is nothing there. I have taken my foot from out of the covers so the sheet isn’t on it. Still in pain. It didn’t do much. This is terrible. I hope the Ativan works quickly before I totally lose my mind! It’s the peroneous tendon that is flaring up. I just moved my toes to see what would happen and felt pain in my ankle immediately. Fuck. This isn’t good. In another hour, I can take my regular pain meds. I hate being on a fucking clock schedule for taking meds. But if it keeps the pain away, I got to be on it or else I pay for it. I had taken the strong pain pill when I woke up 2 hours ago because I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as I just took them before going to bed for my 1.5 -2 hours of sleep. I really just want to die. And that will happen soon, I swear, though I am thinking of changing my method of choice. It will be messy but I think I will go on the outside back porch so the clean up can be better than inside the house or in my room.

A Good Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A good Sunday

It was my niece’s birthday party. She turns 21 on Tuesday but we had the party today. It was fun and I finally got to see my little cousin who is nine months old. My cousin’s girlfriend kept posting pictures of her and I was afraid I wasn’t going to see her until she had turned one as I don’t visit too often because of my pain levels. My pain wasn’t too bad today but after sitting for an hour or so, I needed to taking something for my leg pain.

Last night I video chatted with a dear friend of mine. It was fun. We talked for about an hour or so before her daughter needed a shower. Her daughter has autism needed help with showering. I was sort of multitasking because another friend of mine was texting me at the same time we were chatting after the shower. It was weird texting on my phone and then having a chat on my laptop.

Just killed a damn fruit fly that was buzzing in my room. I don’t know where the hell they come from as I don’t have any food in my room. Just pisses me off. I hate bugs!

I’m going to watch Schindler’s List tonight. I haven’t watch this movie since high school. It’s a very moving movie. I hope to god nothing like it occurs again. There was a Twitter account on Holocaust Remembrance Day that listed the names of about 600 or 900 people that came to the US as refugees in 1939. They were turned away from the US and were killed by the Nazis in their various camps. This account also listed the photo of the person, if it was available. I just find it really sad that the US did that to those people and are now doing it to Muslims. Of course, the Middle East countries that Trump has business connections to are excluded. Just pathetic.

I told my psychiatrist about my fear about changing my name and using gender dysphoria as a reason for my name change. She said I was being paranoid. I told her I didn’t want to be on some list later on that “hunted” me down for my TG issues. That part she kind of understood better. If there were better people in the high government, I might have gone forward in my transition this year but I am too scared to now. But it doesn’t matter because in a few weeks, I shall hopefully not exist anymore.

I texted my therapist and told her our next meeting will be our last. There will be no need to have three or four sessions as termination sessions because I just can’t go through with it. It’s too hard as it is to have a session with her without breaking down. We have tried to make this work for the past year and we just can’t. She won’t change her ways and it’s detrimental to my progress. Plain and simple, though on my blog it’s easier said than how it feels. My psychiatrist and a good friend want me to see someone else but I refuse for right now. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong so I don’t make the same mistakes with the new therapist, if I can find one. And besides, this blog has been more therapeutic to me than therapy so there’s that bonus.

Pain O’clock our has struck. My toes feel like they are being pounded on like a xylophone. I wonder what time I will get to bed tonight. Just really sucks because I was having a good day up until now. Now my night is filled with pain and I hope that I can control it. Or we’re going to have problems.

I snapped again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.