Tag: chronic pain

things accomplished today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things accomplished today

I woke up in pain, again, so I took my pain meds. I fought off the drowsiness by making breakfast and coffee. I didn’t feel like going to the Square today as I wanted pizza for lunch. I made a deal with myself that if I went to the post office, I could get pizza for lunch. The pain had calmed down some by the time lunchtime rolled around so I made it to the post office and then got half a box of pizza. It was cheaper that way than getting two slices. My niece texted me saying that she needed a nip so I went to the liquor store after I picked up the pizza. I also checked my numbers. Yesterday, something was telling me to play my father’s numbers so I played. I won $3 so I played again for tonight’s drawing.

I came home and ate the pizza, all of it. It was good and I was hungry. I guess I won’t have supper tonight. I went back to my room and my mother called me. She left her insulin down my aunt’s house and wanted me to go get it. So I put my sneakers on and walked down the street, hoping my ankle didn’t fail on me because I didn’t carry my cane nor was I wearing the AFO. Now my ankle and foot really hate me. Before I rested, I emptied the barrels in my room into a trash bag. I had to empty them because they were almost overflowing. After I did that, I took two more pain pills and am now resting my damn foot. The same area that flared up last night is still hurting me today.

I didn’t change my sheets like I wanted to but at least I accomplished the other things. I will try and change them tomorrow if my pain isn’t too bad, and I get some sleep. The Neurontin really helped me sleep most of the night last night. But I had to take a huge dose of it. I think that is why I am so hungry today. Think I am going to have some golden Oreos soon. My sweet tooth is craving something sweet.

I was glad that the dentist office called in the afternoon and not in the morning like I thought they were going to. I have an appointment Monday for a cleaning. I have been better at brushing my teeth since my last visit so that is good. I hope I have no cavities. That will suck.

I might make my pumpkin cake this weekend. I know I will be the only one eating it but I don’t care. I like baking. I just hope I have some cool whip. Otherwise, I won’t be able to make it. That would be sad. I have been wanting to make this cake for a while now. I also need to have room in the fridge for it because it needs to be refrigerated.

As I sit here in pain…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, PTSD

As I sit here in pain…

I have no idea what the fuck I did. I got really hot so decided to take my legs out from under the covers. Apparently taking my right leg out first was not the thing to do because my left ankle then exploded in fucking agonizing pain and I couldn’t breathe for a few minutes. It was so damn bad. I held my ankle as still as possible. Then it started to cramp up on me. Fuck. I let it hang off the bed for a few minutes and that caused more cramping. Double fuck. I took another Ativan and my pain meds. What else was I going to do?

I then got really angry. I sent off a couple of texts to my therapist telling her how I felt. I used more profanity than I have ever used for her. I usually don’t swear in my texts unless I am really upset. And this time I was. Not like she is going to read the damn texts. If she is, she isn’t going to fucking respond. She never responds. Pisses me off. I don’t know why I bother.

While I was angry, I kept looking at my laptop and things on my bed and wanted to fling all of it off my bed. I was mad at myself for “defacing” my laptop cover with stickers. They never bothered me before and I didn’t know why tonight it was bothering me. I knew I couldn’t fling my beloved laptop. That would be very bad and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. So I put some Pearl Jam on. PJ always calms me down when I am agitated and angry. Least until the Ativan and pain meds make me dopey.

I am almost finished (thank god) with the Lincoln Boys. I just read how in the 1930s and 1940s how historians were rationalizing the Civil War. One idiot thought that more compromise was needed and that if only politicians and newspaper editors weren’t so vile, the war could have been avoided peacefully. Another moron thought slavery was basically a joke because how could “white” people be so cruel to African Americans. Um, wasn’t this the time when the KKK emerged and lynchings happened? Not to mention that black people were killed if they so much as “looked” at a white woman? Sickens me, it really does. I thought this was written by a black person but nope, it was a white person. Unfucking real. I hate this author for his take on things, most of which have NOTHING to do with Lincoln or his “boys”. Propaganda, yup. I should write that. Maybe it will sell and I will be a NYT bestseller.

I got copies of MY book today. I needed one for a friend as I am giving it to her as she wanted one. In exchange, I get my happy place gift card. I ordered five copies. What I am going to do with the other four, I don’t know yet. I usually give them away to potential reviewers but that hasn’t worked out. I must have given away at least 10 copies and zero reviews have been written. But I sold a Kindle version of my book yesterday so I am happy. I’ll get 99 cents royalties for it. HAHAHA.

Did I mention that I am in pain? My toes were hurting before, like elves were hammering on every bone in my foot. Now my ankle is flared up beyond mention and cramping or throbbing. I can’t tell and I don’t want to touch it to find out. My shuffle thing really sucks because this is the 3rd time I have heard the song Release in the last 10 minutes. I love the song, but really? There are 11 other songs I could be listening to. Or 10. I forget how many songs are on the album. It’s having a calming effect on me so I shouldn’t complain. I just hate the shuffle function on my app. So if anyone has a good music app for Android, please tell me about it!! Rocket player isn’t for me but works until I find another one.

I’m glad my mother is ok. I heard some banging and shit downstairs so immediately thought the worst. Then she came up the stairs so I knew she was okay. If my ankle wasn’t hurting I would have checked on her. But I doubt I could stand. As I still can’t move my fucking ankle a millimeter. Damn you CRPS or whatever pain syndrome I have.

burrito for lunch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Burrito for lunch

I woke up several times during the night. During one of the times, I tried reading but it made me tired so I could go back to sleep. I left off after reading a page and a half in the chapter. I am glad I didn’t try to finish it because it was a very long chapter. When I fully woke up around 0700, I began reading where I left off. I thought the chapter was never going to end.

I woke up in pain so I took some pain meds because I was in pain, again. As I read, I waited for my mother to leave the house before making my way to the kitchen to make breakfast. I do this because I like having the kitchen to myself without the noise of the damn TV. After I had breakfast I took a shower carefully. It exhausted me so I had to rest a bit. The pain meds helped my pain and I was able to catch the next bus to the Square. I got my espresso and started writing in my journal.

I fellow blogger friend PM’d me while I was writing because she was having a difficult time. We talked nonsense for a bit, like we always do when we have our troubles. I forgot about my writing for a while and when we finished talking, I lost interest in writing. I decided to write a few more sentences and then get a burrito for lunch. After I got it, I waited at the bus stop to head home to enjoy it, or try to. I didn’t want to eat it at the restaurant because it can get messy and I hate it when the stuff gets all over my face and hands. I rather eat it at home so I can wash up afterwards if need be.

I emailed my psychiatrist sometime last night about my pain levels and asked her about the bed situation as I haven’t heard from her in a couple of days. I still haven’t heard from her. It’s not a pressing issue so I will just wait until she has time to notify me on what is going on. I am feeling safer since I know I will be in the hospital and the suicidal urges haven’t been around for most of the week. Yesterday the feelings of wanting to die were there because the pain was all fucking day, but I didn’t have the urge to end my life right then and there. If I don’t hear from her by this evening, I will shoot off another email.

As I was drinking my espresso, I began reading my Twitter line and lo and behold, I read a tweet from the Mass governor that really pissed me off. He wants to initiate a program to get those on work injury off opioid medication and to use alternative stuff. What that stuff is, I have no clue. The tweet didn’t offer a link to click to find out what he was talking about, exactly. I fear that doctors, in the coming years, won’t be able to prescribe opioids unless it’s for terminal diseases in my state. I will be fucking screwed, all because of the damn opioid crisis. I posted my frustration to my support group and found out one of my friends had trouble in Florida getting her meds so she moved to another state to get it. I have no idea if doctors are in this program to help patients get off opioid medication because there will be withdrawals and that can be worse than being addicted to the meds.

I’m back in the land of pain. I just took my pain meds. I only took one pill because it’s too early to take two and the pain isn’t that bad. It’s driving me crazy though because of its unpredictability. I know I went out and that is usually a trigger for pain, but damn, there’s no sense in timing it anymore. Used to be that I would hurt anywhere from 1800-midnight. Now it’s in the afternoon or morning and it just sucks. I brought this up to the new PCP and he didn’t offer any suggestions on dealing with it, other than to keep doing what I am doing. Nice, thanks doc. I am at the end of my rope and you just want me to stick with status quo. Unreal. Course, I wasn’t expecting him to have answers or suggestions. It would be too much.

Finally, a good session with my therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a good session with my therapist

I woke up in pain and that set me off in a bad mood. I didn’t want to have therapy because I was dopey from the pain meds and I knew she would annoy me. Sure enough, within the first five minutes she was already on my bad side. I told her I was still waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist regarding the bed. I had emailed her this morning telling her I was feeling shitty because I woke up in pain.

I didn’t play the question game with her because I was just annoyed and angry. I don’t know where the anger was coming from, probably because I wanted to go to Harvard Square and I couldn’t because of the fucking pain. Instead we talked about my PTSD, which she was lively about because it’s her favorite subject. I told her my insights as to why I get anxious and we talked about that. It felt good to be understood finally about my being in pain and how it makes me feel useless and out of control at times because it’s never predictable. I am always on edge and she understood that.

After therapy, I took some more pain meds. I am somewhat pain free right now but I am very tired. My mother is making chicken cacciatore and it smells so awesome. I can’t wait to eat it. My mother is going to call me soon as it’s done. Chicken cacciatore is one of my favorite dishes that my mother makes.

I got no sympathy from my mother, surprise surprise, that I was house bound today. She thought I wanted to get another burrito but I really wanted my espresso and to get a new calendar. She said I could make coffee at home but I didn’t feel like making it today. I finished off my cranberry muffins. That has been the only thing that I have eaten so far today. I think I will make some boiled eggs. I am really hungry.

Before therapy, I took some Neurontin because I was feeling nerve pain on and off. I didn’t take that much, just enough to cover me until tonight when I can take more. It’s really making me drowsy. I think I will sleep before making something to eat.