Tag: chronic pain

managing out the window

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Managing out the window

The other night, I was having a bad night of pain. I kept texting my therapist that I was having suicidal thoughts of overdosing on my pain medication. The pain was driving me to my wits end. But I some how got through that night.

Today I am in the same spot. I am in pain but am not quite suicidal. I am, however, fighting a migraine that is affecting my vision. AND sounds are bothering me big time. Like my mother who is in the kitchen, playing her dice game. It is annoying the shit out of me right now. I want to scream at her for not watching TV. I rather hear the sounds of the television than the dice game. Plus, to make matters worse, we have a glass tabletop so that just echoes the sounds through out the house. I swear because my mother is deaf, she doesn’t realize how loud she is playing.

I didn’t do anything today. I have been very sleepy for most of the day. Probably because my sleep has been interrupted for the past two nights. Again, all because my father wants attention. Today my sister called me and because the idiot doctor didn’t put her credentials on the prescription, we can’t get it filled. Now I have to call his PCP to see if they can send him the medication. I doubt they will send it off without being seen. And I don’t know how I am going to get him to the doctor’s when I don’t have access to a car. UGH, this sucks.

What sucks more is that I am supposed to be working on this book that I am co-writing but I have no idea what I am going to write. I am feeling pressure to write and the material is there, I just have to focus. But the focus is not there, making it difficult to write. I wrote a page last night but I feel like it is crap. I have to work on it a little bit. Or a lot.

Right now I feel like a fucking cow. My stomach is all bloated for some reason. I feel like the fat around my midsection is strangling me. I hate feeling this way. I never felt like this before, but then, I have gained so much weight the past few weeks. I know it is because of my depression that I have gained weight. Plus, it is not like I am really active with my ankle being sore. I have been a lump on a log, just eating and eating. I don’t know how I am going to manage to keep the weight off when I am so depressed. And I am in so much pain, that I don’t care. It’s a bad cycle.

I had therapy today and my therapist suggested that we have another crisis response plan specifically for my pain cycle. That I should do something other than stare at a bottle of pills. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just happened to count how many were left in the bottle. Then I calculated how much medication I would be ingesting. I don’t think the odds were in my favor. Plus, I really wanted to go to my reunion and I think that saved me from taking the pills. But the texts scared my therapist. I guess I was in a bad place looking back. But when I was in that moment, all I wanted to do was end the pain. And if my life had to end too, I wasn’t going to fight for it. Luckily, wanting to see my friends from the past overtook my desire to take the pills, this time.

Better, but not great

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Better, but not great

I slept fairly well last night, despite being in horrible pain. I woke up a few times before 9, but I was able to get back to sleep. It wasn’t until my phone’s app started beeping for me to take my blood pressure meds did I get up. Then I realized that I had to go to the post office to drop off the book for my neurologist. I sent her an email saying it is on its way. I should have put the review books in the mail. I think it would be nice to get reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. But I am too scared of rejection that I hold back.

Today is a warm day. I was sweating by the time I came home from my errands. I picked up my meds too while I was out. My ankle is kindly thanking me now. I really want to go out and get coffee but I just missed the bus and the next one isn’t for another hour. So no coffee today. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it. Making coffee at home just doesn’t have the same appeal as going out for coffee.

Last night I was in a rough spot. I hope that I don’t ever be in that spot again. The suicidal thoughts were great and it would have been easy to take 14 pills. That was all that I needed to help my pain or make me sicker than a dog. I am glad I didn’t find out. But it scares me that I feel like that in the moment but this morning, I don’t feel like I did last night. Granted I am in less pain than I was in but still, I could have injured myself and no one would have known about it, least not until it was too late. My therapist wouldn’t get the texts until Monday. That wouldn’t have been any good.

I seriously thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already spoke to her that day. Granted it was an urgent situation and not a “hi, how are you” one. I just think that I can get through the episodes on my own, that I don’t need any help. I feel funny asking for help. It is like it goes against the grain of what I am feeling.

I have been in this situation plenty of times. I feel like if I do reach out for help, I am a bother. And I know that if I call my psychiatrist, she most likely will tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want that. The ER is not going to help me with my pain. They won’t find anything wrong with me and then ship me off to psych ER for further evaluation. Maybe they will put me in the hospital, maybe they won’t. I just know that I don’t want to go to the ER at all because it is a waste of time for me. And being in the hospital is a bigger waste of time, as I found that out in August.

Thing is, I was in a lot of pain, more than my normal amount that I am in. And it wears you out, both mentally and physically. Now that I am not in so much pain, I can look back on what was going on and be insightful.

in so much pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I don’t normally write these types of blogs. But dammit, I am in so much pain that I just don’t know what else to do but write. It started when I got home from my appointment, around 3 pm. I didn’t walk too much, except to get my haircut down the street from the hospital. I just don’t know why my pain meds are failing me. Usually they work and I should be sleeping by now. I am listening to music to distract myself because I am staring at the bottle of my pills and thinking about just emptying it. It will harm me, there is no doubt. Might even kill me as I took my night meds as well. I just have to get through the next hour so that the meds can work. I have tried going to sleep or snoozing but I just can’t get comfortable. my foot is throbbing so bad.

I really want to talk to someone yet i don’t. I have had enough of trying to talk to people today. If my psychiatrist doesn’t get it then I doubt anyone will. I just feel like no one believes me anymore when I say that I am in pain. Course I act like a “normal” person. No one can see the hurt. No one else feels the hurt. I don’t even have a limp. I might drag my foot but that would be it. But right now, I am not doing anything but sitting on my bed, having my foot up, resting as comfortably as I possibly can. But it’s not enough because I am still in pain. My foot is not swollen, least not as I can see. But it hurts like a SOB. I really hate feeling like my world is ending because of this pain. I know it should be getting better but it’s not. It feels like it is getting worse. I have to wait two weeks for my new doc appointment to find out what is wrong with my foot. I bet you 100 bucks that they find nothing wrong with it! That will just about kill me, I swear. I see my psychiatrist the week before my appointment. I am going to tell her that if they don’t find anything wrong with it, I am done seeing doctors and I am done with life. There is no reason for me to go on if i am going to be in pain all the time. This just sucks so bad.

I don’t know what my therapist is going to say. I texted her that I was thinking of emptying the bottle. I doubt I will get a response. I never get a response from her. I get frustrated with her, too. I am just in agony and no one knows about it, except for you, the blogger world and internet. But will anyone care that I am in horrendous pain? I doubt it. I am just so tired, exhausted, of dealing with this pain all the time. Sure it is worse at night. At night I battle it more. I don’t know why that is. No one knows why that is. I guess because I am at rest? but that doesn’t make any sense! I shouldn’t be in pain if I am at rest!! I should take some neurontin. Maybe what I am feeling is nerve pain, not physical pain and that is why the pain medication isn’t working. I don’t know. I really don’t want to get up again to get more pills. I am tired of taking pills. I take so many pills for different conditions. One for this, another for that. It is so redundant. Yet without these pills, I can’t function properly.

I don’t want to die right now. Yet I don’t want to live either. It is such a conundrum. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t think that is too much to ask for?? I really feel like no one understands the pain that I am in. If they did, they would try and help me more. I get to see one more doctor for the same condition that i have had for the last three years. I thought that the AFO would have helped me but no, it is making things worse. Yet if I don’t walk with it, I am in more pain than without it. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, who is?

nuances of Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today has already been a long day. I again had weird dreams and then woke up before my alarm by at least a half hour. I didn’t do anything to wake up. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep until the alarm went off. I should have grabbed a pop tart as I was hungry by the time I got dressed and stuff. I had my coffee and wrote until it was time to see my doc.

I am happy that I my PCP listened to me and gave me enough pills to cover me for the month. However, I am unable to fill it. I have to wait two days for my next refill. I had a feeling it was going to be too early and I was right. Fuck! I have two pills to last me 2.5 days? And then the pharmacist tells me they are changing the classification of the medication. I don’t know what that means. She said I would have to go to the doctor to get the prescription. Well, I do that anyways so I don’t see the big deal. They already ask me for my ID. Now if they need a diagnosis, they are getting cauda equina syndrome.

After my appointment, I felt a little energetic so I walked the long block to the other bus stop. I did it in less than 10 mins, which is good for me. It was 0.4 miles. I am guessing that is my limit without pain. If I walk more than that, then I am hurting, which is good to know. I didn’t have to walk back so that was good. I figure, if I can slowly increase my walk route, from where I walked before (1.2 miles roundtrip) I should be able to slowly lose weight and feel better about walking. But then there are days where just going around the block can cause me pain so I guess today is a good day. It started out rough because I was walking in mud. I didn’t think I would be able to walk to the bus stop when I left my house this morning. But after my doctor’s appointment, I had some energy and felt like I could do it. I know there are time I might not be always able to, but today I count that as an accomplishment. Now, to just hope that I am not hurting big time tonight and the next few days. My ankle is throbbing but it’s mild. I am not swearing, least not yet.

So I am disappointed that I can’t get the new script filled and that next month might be more of a hassle getting it filled. I knew these changes were going to happen. It’s all because a senator’s son overdose on narcotic medication. His belief is that the meds “caused him to commit suicide, not the pain”. What a crock. He is clueless so people with chronic pain now have to suffer because of this idiot, who is not even a medical professional!! I really “love” when these non-medical people make decisions for us. It makes treating chronic pain that much more difficult and no one many commit suicide because they cannot be helped by their doctors.

I did have a problem with making a month appointment with my doctor for next month. I just hope it isn’t too soon or too late. That is the problem that I have been having lately, getting an appointment with my doctor for my pain meds. It shouldn’t be this hard. So I have to wait for the secretary to call me.

I am glad I can walk the distance I did today. I hope that tomorrow I can walk again without pain. But we’ll see what happens tonight.