Tag: chronic physical pain

Today’s blog is a pain rant that is nothing but crap

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in the middle of the night again, though I am not really sure why. I think my pain meds wore off and I woke up in pain but I don’t remember. I went back to sleep for a few hours until my med alarm went off. I took my BP med and then used the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and then went back to my room, where I almost fell asleep again. Luckily, I was able to shake off the sleepiness off enough to get dressed. My mother wanted me to throw the trash away and take the recycling down. I said I’d take one down and she said trash.

It was sunny out and the bus seemed to take forever. There was a kid that was very talkative to his or her mother. I don’t remember the sex of the child. I got to Starbucks and they didn’t have my favorite sandwich. I had to get one I didn’t like as much. I was feeling weird and didn’t know why. It was probably because I was late with my pain meds. I meant to take them but forgot.

I got to my appt. The new eye doc was okay. She wasn’t as friendly as my old one or as thorough. Even though there was a word I couldn’t make out with the different lenses, she didn’t take the time until I could read it. She said my vision changed a little and then gave me my new prescription. Whatever. I checked out some glasses. There wasn’t anything that really caught my eye. I found out my insurance will cover up to $150, so that was good. I will get my glasses there when my check comes in next.

Came home and my foot was smarting. I took my pain meds. I wasn’t wearing thick socks so my feet were freezing. It’s now several hours since I came home and my CRPS foot is still fricken cold despite wearing thermal socks. The pain has gotten steadily worse. By dinner I was limping again.

Hope tonight is not going to be another long night. I don’t think I can ever make up the sleep I have lost, even if I slept for weeks. I was talking to my friend in South Africa about the lack of pain care I have been receiving because of the stupid “epidemic”. He suggested that I emigrate somewhere that might be able to help me. I don’t know if I could leave the country. I have thought of going to Canada but that is only because of my fear of discrimination over being transgender. Canada is having their own problem with pain meds so I won’t be able to go there. A few of my Canadian friends are not being helped. I wish they would break down the damn overdoses to what they were exactly rather than lump them in a fucking opioid category. If heroin or fentanyl is what killed them, that is what the OD should say. Just pisses me off.

Just some random nonsense

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tree across the street from me that fell during a storm last summer. Thought it looked cool with the snow on it.

Just some random nonsense

Because of the storm, I think plows were on my street at like 4. I woke up to a beeping noise. When I went to turn over to check the time, holy fucking pain. My ankle did not like the pressure I was putting on it to move. It felt like I was ripping my ankle off. That kept me up for a couple of hours. Then I got hungry and made a peanut butter and jelly wrap. I was able to get back to sleep.

My niece didn’t have school today because of the snow. When I woke up later, I went downstairs to check on her. She was on her laptop and I asked her if she ate. She said some gummy snacks. I asked her if she wanted eggs and she said yes. I made them for her and she ate them. I went back upstairs to make myself some coffee. I wasn’t really hungry. I just had some cookies while drinking my coffee. My mother was annoying me with the loudness of the TV. I wanted to go out but it was still snowing. I am glad I have an appt tomorrow so I can leave the house. I can’t stand the TV anymore. She has to have it on, even if she is not even watching the damn thing.

I’ve been fighting the urge to sleep since I got up around 11. Even after my coffee, I felt so tired. I took the recycle out and went downstairs with some recycles to put in the bin. The bin was outside as my brother in law had put it out for today. I just reached it when my ankle decided it had enough of me walking. It hurt so bad. I wheeled the bin to our driveway and then limped back to the house to see if my niece was hungry. She wasn’t so I went back upstairs. I didn’t want to do a damn thing at this point, except cut my damn ankle off. I read twitter and then my sister called me to check on my niece. I told her things were okay.

I feel so weak from fatigue. I can’t stand waking up in the middle of the night or staying up all night in pain anymore. I am sure I am draining my stress hormones by not getting a good night sleep.

Pity Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pity Party

I rarely have pity parties. But tonight, something embarrassing happened to me that has been happening for a while and it just hit the wrong nerve. It depressed me because despite recovering from cauda equina syndrome (CES), not once but twice, I was ultimately disabled because of CRPS and chronic pain. Whether CES had a hand in it, I don’t know. It is doubtful as my last surgery was four years before my injury, a sprained ankle that was caused by intense spasms of my foot and ankle. That surgery was higher up the spine than my first surgery so I am not sure it affected my ankle and foot. There are a lot of what ifs, and I was pondering them today. Then the embarrassing incident happened and it hit me in the gut.

I can’t do much over what I have been dealt. I try to move on as best I can despite horrible pain. I am grateful my hands and upper extremities are not affected by pain. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t write anymore. I know there are speech to text things but I like the feel of pen on paper or the keys of the keyboard. I have my outlet with my blog to talk about how crappy the pain is and how it brings on my suicidality.

I was talking to my voices today, as I often do. We were discussing the use of testosterone and the effects of what they would do to me. That is if I don’t kill myself when I plan on it, which is soon. It all depends on how next week goes. I am nervous about it. I have even thought about assisted suicide, which may mean leaving the state and going to Oregon where it is legal there. It might take me a few months to save up for it, but what the hell. I can’t seem to get it right on my own. If a doc can prescribe me something to end it, that will help me. I don’t want to be in this level of pain or worse as I get older. It’s bad enough that just making my bed hurts. Making breakfast should not cause pain and I’m not talking something fancy, just making scrambled eggs and toast is a chore. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but my back was too painful because of the shitty weather, which is going to continue until tomorrow afternoon/evening. I’ll probably be in pain the rest of the week, more than my usual pain.

Right now my foot feels like it is being crushed. I’ve had to take my strong pain pill to quiet it down. That was an hour ago and I am still hurting. I am so frustrated that I have to wait for meds to work. Sometimes it’s 45 minutes. Others, up to two hours. I play with the Neurontin dose because I don’t want to be foggy the next day. I’ll take anywhere from 600 mg to 1200 mg a night. Some nights I don’t need it. It all depends. But when I flare, all the guns need firing. Pain today has been mostly in my foot. But my ankle hurt briefly. It piggybacks going up and down, from foot to ankle and back again. Sometimes it is the same pain, sometimes it’s a different pain in the different area of my foot or ankle. I never know what kind of pain I will get. The bone pain is the worse because that is harder to treat. It can be my malleolus or the metatarsals. And is always severe, like can’t move at all severe. I wish there was just one pill I could take for all of the CRPS pain. But there isn’t. And then there is an MGH resident that says opioids don’t work on pain at all. I like him to have CRPS. The meds might not take away my pain 100% but it brings it to a bearable level and that is all I need. Lately my pain has been rampant, a 7 or higher. Used to be a 6, now a 7 is my new “normal”. Before then, it was a 3. That was at least two years ago, maybe? What happens when my pain is a 10 every day? I probably won’t be alive to know. I hope so, anyway.

another storm, another migraine

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up with yet another headache that turned into a migraine. It is the fifth migraine I’ve had over the last few weeks, the second one this week alone. I emailed my neurologist and she said it could be because of the barometric pressure changes due to the storms we’ve been having. I didn’t think of that. I know my pain has been crazy and my back hurt again this morning. I’m glad I emailed her as I was getting worried something more was going on.

After I ate and the migraine settled, I changed my sheets. Because the elastic on my sheets went, I will be giving them to a friend that can use the material. I’ll ship it out to her my next pay period. I am glad someone can use them. My back had a fit with the fitted sheet. I swear, as I have many time, that I am going to get a home help person just to change my sheets. My back hurts so much when it is done and takes me a few hours to recover. I know my sisters would be like, yeah, they can also clean my room, but I like my room the way it is. It is organized my way, though it does need a little decluttering. I keep saying I am going to organize my clothes better but my pain has been so out of control that it’s been next to impossible to actually do this. I also found some videos on how to make the clothes fold smaller to they can be better organized. Trick is actually learning how to do it. I’m sure I’ll have to watch the video many times to get the hang of what I am doing.

I’ve been trying to do my expenses for the month so I can get new glasses. I think I will have to save for at least two months, maybe three as I freed up around $200. I want to get the good lenses as the ones I’ve been getting haven’t been that great and I have to clean my glasses nearly every day, some times more if I accidently touch the lens. I’m glad this is just a yearly expense though, sometimes every two if my prescription doesn’t change much.

I’ve been listening to Burning House by Cam the past hour or so. The song is just mesmerizing. The lyrics don’t really make sense but the music is what I like, and obviously, Cam’s voice. I might get her album when I get paid next. Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album at the end of the month. I can’t wait to get it. I have most of her albums as she is my all time favorite female artist. Her voice calms me when I am in an aggravated or anxious mood. Doesn’t really matter what song she sings, she always calms me down. Her orchestral album is the only one I don’t have on her playlist because some of the songs start off really low and then become really loud. Not the type of thing to hear when you want to calm down! I wish she had a tour stop at the Boston Symphony or Longwood Symphony. That would have been so fricken cool. I haven’t been to the Boston Symphony Hall in a very long time. My older friend has season tickets so he goes every Saturday during the season.

The storm is supposed to end sometime tomorrow afternoon so I am not planning on going out. My mother said that it snowed this morning but when I got up, there was nothing but wet ground. It is only raining right now as it’s currently just 36 degrees. If the temp drops, it will snow. Some places have already had over an inch of snow, but that is south of me. I just hope I don’t wake up in back pain tomorrow morning. I could barely move this when the pain woke me up at 6. Fricken sucks. I am glad it went away. I wouldn’t have been able to change my sheets.