Tag: chronic physical pain

CRPS Madness, painsomnia seems to rule

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t go to bed till 5 or thereafter. I had some cocoa pebbles and tried to sleep. I slept most of the morning, though my other phone kept ringing, waking me up. I turned it off. I think it lost battery now so I don’t have to worry about it. Soon as I was awake for about 5 mins, the pain that kept me up, returned. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. It was torture but I got it done. I am not going to shower or change my sheets. I am too tired and hurt too much.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tempted to call my psych for some valium or sleeping pill. I really don’t want one though. I already take enough meds. I wish I was seeing my pcp this week. I know part of my pain is bad because of the storm that is coming tomorrow evening. It supposed to last 24 hours. Only supposed to get 8 inches of snow so I guess that is good if it holds true. It is the same kind of storm we got over the weekend but less intense, though coastal flooding is still a risk.

I must have wrote a message to my pcp as I found out the idiot fellow messed up my allergies in a big way. I don’t remember doing it. He said he fixed it. I fucking wish before leaving the office, they had you read what they wrote so any errors could be fixed right there and then rather than after the fact. Would be beneficial for all I think.

I hope I don’t have another flare tonight. I am hurting at a 8 right now. Last night was at least a 14. My new Moleskin notebooks came. Now I can write down my crazy pain, rate it, describe it, and note the time. It changes so much every few hours.

I didn’t realize I had 3 gaba pills left in the bottle. I thought I finished it the other night. I could have used it to help settle things down. I just took the pills a little while ago. I’m not going to stay up another night, least not tonight.

My flashlight and B vitamins came today. It is a small bottle so the pills must be tiny. It has 5000 mcg of B12, 800 mcg of folate, and 2 mg of B6. I just opened the bottle. They are instant dissolving and are cherry flavored. They taste ok. It is more like a pellet than a pill. And it is tiny. I hope it helps with my pain. B6 is for nerve function. Also hope it gives me energy. I won’t be able to put these guys in my pill box for the week so I’ll have to remember to take them every day. I’ll probably use another med alarm.

I had a frozen dinner, spaghetti and meatballs. For some reason, it is not sitting well in my stomach. I don’t know why. I’ve had it before and it never caused any problem. It is the only thing I’ve had since waking up, besides a slice of coffee cake. My mother has been eating it on me. Silly woman. It is good though.

I wish I could take a shower. I feel so crappy. I just know I will risk a flare if I do. Not worth the risk. I’ll be taking my night meds soon. Just hope I sleep through the night.

Crying and it’s not over spilled milk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I’ve been in severe pain since about 2000. My foot was exploding shortly after 1800. Things just got worse from there. Pain is all over ankle and foot but only half, the outer half. I laid down and then pokers started impaling my foot. I’ve been crying with each burst of intense pain. There is no more meds I can take. Well, I could take gaba. Except I’d have to get up as my bottle is empty. Took the last few pills last night. Fuck. No way I am standing up. Any movement causes more pain.

I read a fun article tonight (being sarcastic). It was about how pain patients can die sudden, unexpected death. It is thought to be a cardiac event in most cases but there is no gross pathology and most coroners state death is accidental overdose, which blames the physician. The author states some good stuff on how docs can protect themselves. I hope I die that way. Unfortunately, my phone nor Kindle can upload the file. Otherwise I’d post it. It is on my Twitter account if you use Twitter.

Pain is just out of control tonight. I was having a low pain day until migraine hit. Then everything went south. I can’t believe how tearful I am. The tears just come out and I don’t hold them back. I hurt too much to stuff them. 

On a good note, I tweeted about buying Cam’s song burning house and she responded to it!! Omg. Made my day. I locked the tweet so it wouldn’t get deleted. Now I love her more. I almost cried about that. Fuck I’m so emotional. 

The L pattern pain is happening now. Bones are hurting. Nerves are on fire. Glob is just horrible. Other than writing, I have no other distraction. Music wouldn’t be good because it would just wake me up and make me think. Just want to die. I sent my psychiatrist the pain article. I hope she reads it. I’m going to ask my PCP to check my cortisol level. It will be important to know. If it is low, I might already be stressed from pain. I was having some palpitations earlier. Now my shin muscles are cramping because the flare is so intense. Fucking hate CRPS. 

Monday’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday’s activities

I stupidly left the med alarm at like 6 am which scared the shit out of me so bad that I didn’t even take my BP pill. I just shut it off and then went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I slept through the night, for the most part. I wasn’t in pain, least not in my ankle or foot. My back was bothering me though because it had snowed this morning. My alarm went off around 0920. For the first time, the Bixby news thing worked. It gave me the news which was all about Cheeto’s dealings. UGH, not what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. I’ll be turning that feature off. I dreaded getting out of bed. I wanted to make breakfast though, so I needed to. I know I could get something at Starbucks when I left later, but I wanted to use up the bacon I opened the other day before it went bad. I originally wanted to wash and change my bedding but that wasn’t happening with my back being sore. I thought about using the tennis ball to massage it out but never did. I figure I would take off the blankets and wash them when I came home. I’ll change the sheets tomorrow.

I made my breakfast and there was time to catch the bus for espresso so I went upstairs to get dressed. My mother called as I was changing wanting me to look up some vinyl siding guys as one of the panels blew off in the storm. I told her I would do it when I came home as my sister still had my laptop. I just used my phone to write up yesterday’s blog. I had a slight headache so took some Exedrin and ibuprofen. Then caught the bus and went to Starbucks.

I got my espresso and pulled out my notebooks. I should have just took out my journal as I was too cloudy to write a story or continue writing with what I had written so far. The sun poked out finally. I guess it wasn’t going to snow anymore. The snow from this morning was already gone but it was still cloudy when I left the house. I thought there was going to be a storm tonight but they have moved it to Wednesday night into Thursday afternoon/evening. We are supposed to get 8 inches. Lovely. I played with my phone and wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for therapy.

I talked with my therapist about this weekend. He played with his nails. I was kind of hyper when I first started talking then slowly lost steam. The brain fog had returned. The last few minutes I was telling him how today was the anniversary of the first time I attempted suicide. Twenty-seven years ago today my father called me a liar and I snapped. I couldn’t take the fights anymore between my parents and the name calling and everything else, really. I would find out just how bad my father would be the following night. I still remember like it was yesterday. My father fell from the pedestal I had him on and he never reclaimed it. Also weird to realize that I have been trying to end my life for 27 years yet I am still here. As suicidal as I have been, I haven’t really attempted to go through with my thoughts in years. So long, I don’t even remember the last time I did attempt.

I told my therapist that I was going to end it if my doctors didn’t do something for my pain. He said that I was angry. Yeah, I have anger toward idiots in the medical profession who want to help people but don’t do a damn thing to actually help. Like why spend thousands of dollars for med school if you don’t care? I don’t get it.

My new favorite country artist Cam posted on either twitter or Instagram about her first number 1 called burning house. I bought it today. I would have bought the album but I’m kind of short on funds. It’s a cool song. Her latest hit, Diane, is my favorite. Just watching the video I fell in love with her. Sadly, she is too young for me and married. But I can admire her from a distance. She is very pretty with her curly blonde hair. I’m starting to think I have a thing for blondes and red heads as most of the women I like have those kinds of hair. I’ll find my love one day, maybe.

Long night of painsomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t get to sleep till 6 am this morning. I had been up 18 hours straight. I was in so much pain last night that I think being over tired just kept me up.

Needless to say, I slept for most of the day. I left my mother a note saying not to call me as I went to bed at 6. My middle sister woke me up at 1130 because she wanted to use my laptop. I got up to use the bathroom and have something to eat. Then went back to bed. My ankle was still hurting me. Soon after I got back to my room, the doorbell rang. It was some idiots inviting us to some event. WTF. I was pissed. They said they were our neighbors but I never saw them before the ten years I’ve been living here. Morons. Go bother someone else. I feel like putting up a sign saying official business only, all others screw. It took me a while to calm down but I did eventually. I slept for another couple of hours before I had to use the bathroom again.

I still don’t have my laptop back. I don’t care as I’ll be going to bed soon. I just took my night meds. I hope I will be able to sleep through the night. I am really tired. I didn’t have supper. I don’t feel like eating. I’m not really hungry. I just want to sleep.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. I really don’t feel like seeing him but it is too late to cancel. In my painsomnia mood, I ordered more stuff from Amazon. I bought some Moleskin notebooks, a regular size one and a pocket. I think I am going to make a pain book with the pocket size one. Just list the time date and what kind of pain I am experiencing. I know I could use my phone, but i like to write things down. My pens are collecting dust because I’m not using them as much. I wrote in my journal a few times a week. I’m hoping the new notebook will get me to write more. I can use different colored pens. I don’t know. I only use black ink for my journal writing. My friend in Canada gave me her work pen. It has blue ink. I’m going to swap it out for black. It is a really nice pen. It has her work number so if I am feeling like a mischief, I can call her. I probably won’t though as she is super busy. I really love this woman, not in a romantic way or anything, even though she is hot. She is my best friend. I leave her a message on FB everyday telling her she is beautiful and I love her. She means a lot to me. Always there for me, no matter what mood I am in. Then we laugh. FB messenger has this voice clip thing I’ve been using more of. It is great because she also leaves me a clip. It is awesome hearing her voice, like getting a phone call without the charges. Haha. She makes me smile. I’ve known her since I’ve had my nerve Injury 17 yrs ago. I will meet her one day, I hope. I always wanted to go up to Canada. I’ve been once but on the East side. She is more west near Vancouver. If I had a car, I’d probably leave and never come back.