Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Psych appt and other things on a muggy Friday

When I left the house this morning, outside was cooler than the house. It was kind of refreshing. But that quickly changed when I got out of my psych appt. The appt went well. I talked about the week in the hospital and how they really didn’t know how to help me. They pretty much just prevented me from acting on my suicidal urges due to pain flare up that I had all week. I also told her how I felt about Chester Bennington’s death (lead singer for Linkin Park). It just sort of knocked me out of my suicidal depression because of how real it is. She told me she contacted the coordinator for the pain group and that she should be calling me as she gave her my contact information. I haven’t heard from her or the therapy place yet. I needed a refill so she sent it. Walgreens hasn’t filled it yet so either they’re busy or they haven’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes the electronic orders take a while to be processed. If I don’t see it tonight or tomorrow, I will get back to my psych as she probably sent it to cyberland. I am to report back to her about therapy and the pain group, or anything else she can demand from me, LOL. I told her I was planning on legally changing my name in the upcoming weeks as I will be getting paid next week. I will pay all my bills and whatever is left over I will save or have enough for it. I am not sure. I don’t know how I ended up with three credit cards so those are bills that I need to pay before I can get my name changed. It’s cash, I think or check. I don’t remember what the courthouse takes. I need to look it up.

When I got to the Square, I went to Chipotle for dinner as my mother said she was going to my aunt’s house and wouldn’t be home later. Fine with me. I waited for the bus and was sweating on the walk home. The house was really bad. I ate and then took a shower. Then my ankle crapped out on me. I took my pain meds as I was due and have been chatting with some friends on Twitter and text. I also texted my sister that we are three weekends away from a booze cruise I bought tickets for. I am so excited. It will be a cruise around Boston Harbor at night. I love being on a boat. I don’t really drink but I do plan on having one or two drinks at least. I definitely want a mojito and it’s for autism so it’s for a good cause. One drink will give me a buzz. I don’t drink beer. I already had my one beer a year a few weeks ago. I usually have a Sam Adams summer ale. It’s the only one that I like.

Other than resting this weekend, I don’t have any other plans. I really want to watch a movie so maybe I will to pass time. I bought a bunch from Amazon that I still have seen. On Facebook, I saw someone post that there will be new Harry Potter books in Oct. I don’t know if it’s true or not so I tweeted JK Rowling and the Harry Potter World UK. They would know if it is. It will be so cool. I love Harry Potter. Today marks the anniversary of Deathly Hallows being released ten years ago. Hard to believe it’s been that long ago. Makes me want to re-read it again. It’s by far one of my favorite books in the series. I had bought the set of paperbacks two years ago. It was fun reading them again. It never gets old. I don’t like the movies very much because they deleted scenes from the books and Peeves is not seen in any of the movies. He is a troublemaker ghost in the books.

I had my espresso but now I feel like making an iced coffee. I got an email from Starbucks Store and found that the Hawaiian coffee that I love is back. I ordered it even though it was really expensive for 8.8 ounces. I like it iced so now that I know how to make it, I am going to run out of it very quickly. I might get it tomorrow if I feel like going out as I saw they had it in the store. I am glad I can get coffee in addition to espresso. One of my cousins posted today that she is giving up coffee and I am floored. I didn’t see why she is doing it but I don’t think I can do that, ever. I love it too much. I had my chocolate fix today as when I got to my psych’s office, I went to the gift shop. To my surprise, they had Godiva dark chocolate bar. I haven’t seen it in a long time so I bought it. It was good. I miss having a Godiva store at the mall. They have Lindt Chocolate store, which is good and as expensive. Beats Hershey’s that’s for sure!

home, Finally

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Home, Finally

It has been a rough day. I woke up around 0430 in pain. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking my pain meds. Despite feeling suicidal and having a crappy day yesterday, I was able to get discharged from the treatment team. To my surprise, they didn’t even ask if I was ready to go, they basically said I was going. I wanted to go home too.

I texted my cousin and she picked me up after lunch. It was really muggy out. We had to walk to the security building so I could get my wallet as I had it locked up when I got admitted. I didn’t want to risk someone stealing my money or credit cards. The floor gave me the wrong copy to retrieve it so they had to send someone with the right copy. We didn’t hit any traffic until we got to my main street. There was construction so there was backup. Taking the bus tomorrow is going to be fun.

I brought my mail and stuff up to my room and put the AC on soon as I settled down. It was quite hot in my room. I didn’t check the temp because I knew it was going to be high. I fiddled with Twitter and then I got some really sad news. The lead singer in my favorite band, Linkin Park, died by suicide. I was crushed. He was my age. The band just came out with a new album a few months ago and was set to start off a tour. It’s awful, so awful. I started tweeting out the suicide hotline and crisis text support number. One of my friends who I talked to this morning, messaged me to see if I heard. I told him I did and he came out with a meme. I asked him how he was doing as he liked the band as well. We were exchanging lyrics with the new album when it came out. I feel so devastated that there is not going to be anymore new music. Now I know how Nirvana fans felt when Kurt Cobain died.

I had a lot to eat today and my stomach is paying the price for it. I think the combination of the new med and Neurontin is sending my appetite into overdrive. All I want to do is eat. I hope now that I am home, I won’t be so hungry all the time as I will be back to my own routine, though having to make myself food every day is going to suck. But I rather make my own than be in the hospital.

I am so tired. Think I am going to go to bed early. Ankle is already starting to act up on me. Hope this isn’t going to be a long night. I see my psych tomorrow. I didn’t cancel the appt though I did want to. It’s going to be as hot tomorrow as it is today. Yuck.

Nothing like your ankle crapping out on you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Today is officially the worst day ever. I’ve been in pain since 5 am. I woke up with cramps in my foot. On and off, the pain has been fluctuating bad to worse and worse to really worse. Around 2000, I could take my night meds. It was too early for my pain meds, but least I could give them a chance to work while waiting. I was walking to the nurses station with my flavored water when my ankle said, fuck you. I was stuck. I needed one of the nurses to help me. The pain was intense. I couldn’t bear weight on it anymore. 

I asked the nurse to get my AFO for me to walk to get my meds. I really became suicidal. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I was so tired of being in pain all day. I met with my contact person and told him I was planning. It’s the only thing that helps me get through these bouts. It’s my coping mechanism. Might not be the best but oh,well. I really wish the nurses could take your meds to your room like a medical floor. I’m always at the end of the hall. Fucking sucks.

I’m sending jokes to another patient via text. Just something to do until meds kick in. I have a movie I kind of want to watch. Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg star in it. I’m not a fan of Farrell. He annoys me. So I’m hesitant to watch it.

I hope to be discharged tomorrow. I want my meds at my bedside where I don’t have to walk or use a bloody computer system to give me my meds. I have been keeping a spreadsheet of what time I take my meds and how many pills I take. Just to keep track. Usually I use an app but the app doesn’t list the doses taken in a day. I find it’s helping me be more conscious of the number of pills I take in a day. The app doesn’t tell me that information.

One of my friends pissed me off today. She tends to act like a mother hen and today was not the day. I told her I was possibly getting discharged tomorrow and she asked me the same questions everyone has today, Are you ready and are you safe. I blew up and told her she wasn’t my therapist and I wasn’t going to answer. She then says I’m bitchy. Whatever I replied. Then she said I hurt her. She does this every time I stick up for myself. Screw her.I’m tired of her shit.

Ankle and foot is acting up. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or it’s going to suck tomorrow.

Another day, another night of pain, another…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicidality

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I got hit with pain and it kept me up. I fell asleep some time before 0200. I was listening to Taylor Swift on my headphones to help distract. I some how fell asleep and woke up in the sitting position. I took the headphones off and laid down. The pain was better by then. Though it came back a few hours later and I needed more meds around 0530. 

I didn’t want to get up this morning. I had some breakfast and got my meds and stupid vitals. One of the mental health counselors yelled at me for not getting my vitals before my meds. Tough shit. 

I was kind of in a haze for most of the day. I went to group therapy. I tried to pick other patients brains on coping stuff but they all told me things I already tried. It was worth a shot. Then my team called me from group so we met. The social worker wanted to know more about my suicidal urges and I told her pain exacerbates it. The doc didn’t say too much. Just went over the med changes the covering doc did yesterday. He wanted a tentative discharge date so we are shooting for Thursday. I’m kind of mixed on it because I fear I will be more apt to buy my new method while in a flare than not. Doesn’t mean I’ll act on it but I could. I keep fantasizing my death, though. Been doing it for months so I don’t think more time in the hospital will change that.

I put in a request for an appt at another therapy center. I’m waiting to hear back from them. I’d like to see if I can find another therapist. I really don’t think it is going to work out with the guy I am seeing now. He is just annoying me more than helping me.

I am feeling kind of dizzy after I had my dinner. The contact person thinks it’s because I didn’t drink enough today. I hope it’s not a withdrawal from my other antipsychotic. That would suck. They stopped it as of last night. Other than that, i have no idea why I could be dizzy.

I talked to my mom tonight. We talked in general terms like we always do. She wanted to know if the docs here are helping with my pain. I told her no one knows my condition as I’ve had to explain it to practically everyone. No one gets CRPS. She asked why and I told her it was a psych unit not a medical one. She doesn’t understand the difference. 

I’m hoping the storms don’t kill me tonight. My pain has been up and down all day. It’s really muggy outside and it is stuffy on the unit. It just started raining now. Hope it cools off some.