Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

a crazy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

I know I have not written in a few days. I have been feeling exhausted. Yesterday I planned on writing but somehow the day got away from me and after the Sox game, I just was not in a writing mood.

I woke up this morning in pain, which is unusual as most of my pain is at night. But my foot was cold as it was a bit chilly in my room despite my foot being under the sheets and blanket. Pain woke me up and I took my pain medication. I was going to see my therapist today but my sister had the truck so I nixed it. It was a good thing I did because my mother came home from seeing her sister and collapsed on the floor due to low blood sugar. If I had gone to Framingham and then came home, I hate to think what would have happened. There was no way for her to get up. I couldn’t pull her up so had to call an ambulance. I didn’t realize she was having a hypoglycemic attack until her words were getting slurred. Her sugar was 38 (normal is between 70-100). And this happened just a few minutes before my session with my therapist so I had to cancel on her. I felt bad but I had no choice.

So I was kind of out of my tree from adrenaline and when that wore off the pain meds kicked in making me feel very sleepy. I still am fighting taking a nap but my foot is really hurting so I think I will after I write this. I then get an email saying that my appt with my PCP is in five minutes. I mixed up my dates. I thought it was Thursday and instead it was today. Fuck! Now I won’t get a refill of my pain meds. I still have some because I have been using less of them but I don’t have enough to last me till I see him on June 20th! He has no opening until then. I hope they can process my prescription. If not I am going to really be rationing my last of my pain meds. Which isn’t going to be good as I am in the middle of a pain flare up right now. I know part of it is that the temp keeps fluctuating between 50 to 70 degrees. And my body is sensitive to those dips and highs. Starting Thursday it is going to be in the 90s for a few days. Just lovely.

I had a friend from Australia email me yesterday. He wanted my advice about euthanasia and suicide. He has a cousin that wants to die because like me, he can no longer deal with his chronic illness. He doesn’t want to do the deed himself so has hired a doctor to legally kill him. I don’t know how I feel about this. I know that I wish I had a doc that would take me out of my misery but then my thoughts are because I am “depressed”. But you can be suicidal without feeling depressed so how does that play out? I truly understand what this kid is going through and can empathize with how he feels he has no other choice but to take his life but at the same time I wonder if depression is playing into a part of his decision to die and maybe if that were treated he wouldn’t feel that way. But then I look at my situation and think how can I justify that thinking if I am going to kill myself for that very reason.

I will write more on this later. I just can’t seem to get my thoughts coherent enough to think about this.

Chronic Pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

researchers have found a link between chronic pain and suicide.

that is something that I have known for sometime now as I am a chronic pain sufferer and have thought of killing myself numerous times to get rid of the pain. it is why sometime this year I plan on killing myself. it is not going to get better. I have a chronic pain condition and I really don’t care anymore. I will go through the motions of getting treatment knowing it is not a cure. just a bandaid and it hurts. But clinicians need to ask the question if they ever want to prevent suicide. I am a hopeless case. I have mental illness on top of chronic pain. it is worse with my condition. I feel like I can’t talk openly with my provider because then he tampers with my pain meds. I will not kill myself with my meds. I have other methods running through my head. but this article is interesting. I hope that people who read my blog that suffer from chronic pain do call the 800 number to talk to someone. I hope that it can work that way but I know that most people will not pick up the phone and call. I don’t know why that is. I know I have called but I am still where I am. I have found it helpful at times but sometimes I feel like they are just pretending to care when they really don’t. Just my experience. but that shouldn’t stop you from calling.

BASEBALL AND MUSIC

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Well, I had a good blog going for you tonight but then in the middle of writing, I was bombarded with text messages about my Sox. A couple of players are on the DL so they have had to make some roster changes, the worse of it is that they called up Alfredo Aceves, the pitcher I hate the most because he SUCKS and has a nasty temper and is crazy.

It is going to be interesting tonight because they are playing a rookie on third base. I hope no balls go down that line tonight. Last night they had a brutal loss to the Indians, 12-3. I fell asleep when they were within one, when Big Papi aka David Ortiz hit a 3 run blast. I don’t know what happened after that. I had two beers before the game so I was drunk and sleepy to begin with.

I went out for the first time all week today. I had a different coffee than my usual, called 3 region blend. It seemed no different than the regular coffee they serve. Certainly nothing to write home about. Will I have it again? Yes. I like coffees that are mild and not strong or roasted. Cameroon was the darkest richest coffee I have had and never will have again because it was so strong. But then coming from Cameroon, I should have known better.

I edited some of my blogs when I got home. It took me a long while to figure out what to write and then I get the biggest distraction of the day. Two players on the disabled list (DL), one activated, another called down, and two players called up. I was going bananas. I didn’t know why one of the two players were on the DL because I didn’t see the game last night. I was listening to it on the radio and I fell asleep. I woke up after the game had ended an hour later. I am so mad at myself for missing the game but I was just so tired after having such an awful day yesterday. I was just emotionally and physically spent. Too bad I woke up with my second wind at two thirty in the morning. I was not happy. I did some stuff though, like finishing the letter I had started to my therapist and played my games. I have two now. Pioneer Trail (formerly known as Frontierville) and Candy Crush Saga. I NEVER should have downloaded that game to my phone to find out what it was about. It is a bejeweled type of game but instead of diamonds and rubies, you have different candies you have to match up in threes or fours or fives. But you have a certain task on the levels and it is hard as you are given five lives to start. I don’t know how to request lives and I really don’t want to learn how. The game already drives me crazy because it is not as easy as it seems. But then, the same can be said with Pioneer Trail. You get missions like every three days, even before you have completed the ones they sent you a few days ago. And it is frustrating because you need your neighbors to help you. If they don’t help you out, you are screwed. A lot of players have stopped playing because it is sometimes so time consuming waiting for people to give you the stuff when you have other missions to work on. But it gives me something to do as frustrating as it is. It is a good frustration, if that is possible.

I walked a good distance today. So far I am not in any pain. I walked maybe 1/8th of a mile today. I had to because I didn’t want to wait 45 mins for the next bus. I am hoping if I don’t have pain tonight, I will walk it, if I have the energy, every time I go to Davis Sq. That will be my walk for the day. I have to build up my stamina and walking this distance will be great. The nice thing about this is that the sidewalks are level and not bumpy like other sidewalks in the city I live in. I can walk without worrying if I am going to trip on an unlevel sidewalk cement or not. I still have to watch out for the cars while crossing the streets but other than that I had a good walk, despite the showers today.

After I heard about my Sox, I couldn’t listen to country anymore so went to Pearl Jam, Linkin Park, and Nickelback. While I was setting up my playlist, Rock, I noticed I have only one stinking album for Pearl Jam! What a sin! Now I have to find their CDs and burn them so I can have their tracks on my phone. But the most important songs, like Black, Even Flow, Jeremy, and Daughter on there so I will only have to burn Vitology and Rearview disc 2. I got to have my Pearl Jam when I am in a BAD disgruntled mood.

A Blog About a Paper and Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Wrote a paper about suicide attempt survivor’s reaction after reading a research article about it. A friend wanted me to write about it but I am having a hard time because this research just justifies the fact that I should be dead by suicide yet I am not. This paper feeds into the feelings I have that I should not be living. My therapist also wants me to write this paper but from the perspective of what it means to be the exception and not the rule. Yet you cannot defy statistics. Statistically, I should be dead and that feeds my self destructiveness all the more.

Lately I have been thinking about my suicidal plan. It has been on my mind all week. The constriction – blinders – have begun to settle in on me. What does this mean? It means all that I am thinking about is ending my life. It is becoming my obsession. I am writing this on a notepad that I have had for a while now. In it there are two entries about how bad my life is with pain from LAST YEAR. There have been too many nights of pain. So despite the day being pain free, sort of, and my mood being slightly content, the night produces the midnight demons that are bringing me thoughts of self-destruction, of suicide.

Yet I feel that I am a hypocrite for belonging to an organization that is for understanding and preventing suicide. The premise is that if I learn about suicide and the more I learn, maybe it will decrease my urges. But everything that I learn goes out the window when the constriction is in high gear.

Like Mary Chapin Carpenter says, it don’t take much to be happy. But for me it’s like a hurdle. What makes me happy is having my Starbucks coffee at Starbucks, writing in my journal while there, and blog. The only problem is that this happiness doesn’t last. It doesn’t sustain me. Sometimes the feeling my therapist has for me makes me want to live because I know my death will bring her pain and sadness. That is not what I want to do. But I also don’t want to be trapped into living by bringing others joy just by me being alive. I can’t live just for others when I am suffering so much.

My therapist and I have been trying to get to the roots of my suicidality. Mostly what we came up with is that I felt like a burden to my family since I was eight. I started hearing voices when I was five. They have been my constant companion throughout my life. In addition, I was made a girl when I am a boy. That brought me great pain when I realized this. At age ten, I had my 1st suicide attempt – I tried to suffocate myself with a pillowcase. I just see life as pain and I so want to escape from that pain. No medication numbs it or relieves it and now that I am in physical pain, I feel like I am being punished for all the sins I ever committed. Despite asking for forgiveness, I am met with more pain.

Went to the Mary Chapin Carpenter concert last night. She was playing with Shawn Colvin. I didn’t like Shawn too much. All I heard from her was “blah, blah, blah”. I am still hyped from the concert, I’m blaring (softly as it is late) all of Mary Chapin’s albums.

When Mary Chapin played “the hard way” it was like she was telling me that I was on the right path but nothing comes easy. I listened to the concert with hope, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hoping MCC might change my mind but I realized I will let myself down if I don’t kill myself this year. It’s like what went on in 2005 when I planned everything but botched it up when I told my therapist (same one I have today). Now my therapist knows I have a date and that means it is going to be harder for me to go ahead with my plans. I don’t know why I feel I have to do this. I don’t. I can walk away from this and never go back but I will feel a form of defeat one feels when they break an internal promise to themselves.

I realized last night that part of the reason is because I don’t have confidence I’m always going to get my pain medication and that scares me. Because if I can’t get my pain pills, then I rather be dead. It’s not that I am saying I NEED the pills, I am saying that if my pain is not going to be taken seriously and treated with serious meds, I am going to kill myself. Because I cannot bear the thought of suffering and having pain flare up and not have anything to take. If Tylenol worked I would take it. If Ibuprofen worked, I wouldn’t need it. If ketoprofen helped, I wouldn’t need it. The only thing that helps is opioids.

So without my pain meds which have the affect of actually taking away some of my physical pain, I want to die. Yet I also want to die because I have chronic physical pain that makes me have to take pain medication. I guess I just feel that it’s not ok for me to get pain relief. I feel it is a hassle because I have to see my doctor every month and when the pain levels vary due to increase or decrease in activity for the month, I feel like I don’t deserve the meds. My doc gives them to me. He has never denied me my meds. Yet I fear that one day he will not for whatever reason. And that is the reason, well one of them anyways, why I feel I should be dead. I should just be dead. My pain cannot be cured. It cannot completely go away. I am sick of being in pain all the time. Sure the physical pain goes away with meds but the nerve pain does not. And that is what truly makes my life intolerable.