Tag: CRPS

Pain hour and human suffering and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

Well, my pain hour has been activated. Every night, at the same time, my pain level increases no matter how much time I am resting my foot or what I am doing. If I am about to go to sleep, I will get zaps.

Tonight is no different. I am so tired of dealing with pain every single night. I was fine all day without too much pain. And that is what kills me. Because I don’t see my doctor after 8 pm, he never will know how much pain I am truly in. This pain is very deceiving. I just wish I knew what activates it so I can put a stop to it. I have tried taking my pain meds before the dreadful hour but that doesn’t seem to work. I have tried icing my foot before the hour and that just makes things worse. I just am in pain no matter what I do, whether I do nothing during the day or if I do have an active day. It is maddening. I did not leave the house today for any reason. Yet my pain level is the same as it would be if I did leave the house. I did go up and down the stairs a few more times than I normally do. But I have stayed in my house/room before and that still didn’t stop the pain from occurring. I just am flabbergasted.

I am not suicidal, though I should be. I really want to just die without having to do anything about it. I am tired of planning my death without acting on it. I am tired of trying to act on my thoughts when my stinking therapist foils my plans or my psychiatrist hospitalizes me because of my thoughts. I need a good pain reliever that will stop the pain before it hits not after. Because after you take your pain reliever, you have to wait a certain time for the next dose and that sucks while you are suffering.

I don’t get why people can euthanize an animal to end their suffering but it is wrong to do the same to a human being. To euthanize an animal is considered “humane” while human suffering is what exactly? Why is an animal have more rights than a human? And why is it that it is the person’s choice to end their suffering and it being denied to them because of state laws. That is why I don’t tell my therapist or psychiatrist I am suicidal most of the time. Because I know it will lead to a “suicide status” and I will be prevented from carrying out MY wishes. Yet 30,000 people commit suicide every year. I want to be one of those people. And I don’t have a problem with it. Yes my family will miss me and people will be hurt. But why should I continue to suffer from this non-malignant chronic pain that sucks the life out of me?

No Rest for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

No Rest for the weary

I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.

I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.

I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.

So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.

Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.

It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.

Nerve pain is no joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I laid down a little while ago to try and get some sleep but my foot had other plans. It feels like it has been submerged in ice cold water and then thawed out. I feel like every nerve fiber, neuron, and nerve bundle is firing all at once. I am in agony and there is nothing I can take for it except to wait it out. The funny thing is that I take Cymbalta which is supposedly a neuropathic medication used to treat this type of pain. Either I am on too low a dose or it just doesn’t work for me. I just want to sleep and I am itching on despair.

I didn’t think this would happen. I thought I would be in physical pain, bone crushing pain, not nerve pain tonight. I hate feeling so helpless as my foot is hurting and there is nothing I can take for it. I just have to wait for it to calm down on its own. If it was just one part of my foot, I could put a gel on it but the pain is ALL over my foot and I can’t put that much gel on my foot. I will get it everywhere and I don’t know if it will be effective. Nerve pain sucks!!!!

I am deeply frustrated that there is nothing I can do but suffer. This is why I become suicidal because my situation is hopeless. There is no end to this pain. The only way to stop the pain is to end my life. And I want to so bad. But my family needs me, least I think they do. My sister has been depending on me more to take care of her younger daughter as I have been babysitting more. I am supposed to be up in five hours to take my sister’s car so that I can transport my father to his medical appointment. I don’t know if I can survive a day on five hours of sleep. This just totally sucks. and I feel like I should just end things. My life would be better off if I were dead. People don’t understand that being in chronic pain sucks. Least with cancer, you know there is going to be an end. But with chronic pain there is no terminus. It just goes on and on.

My foot is still swollen from today’s activities. I won’t be walking too much tomorrow, thank goodness. I know I overdid it today and that is why I am hurting. Seems that whenever I think I can go back to work I will have a night like this to remind me that I can no longer work an eight hour shift. I don’t even know if I will be able to work half a shift. I miss my coworkers though. I would love to be able to return to my old job but I don’t think I can physically do that type of work anymore. It just sucks. But maybe by not being here anymore I don’t have to worry about working at all or about my finances and being broke all the time. Having complex regional pain syndrome really does stink. and pain flare ups are the worse.

annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

My day started out early as usual. I am getting used to getting up before five these days but today it was because of pain and bladder was full. I try not to drink before going to bed but it’s not easy as I have a ton of meds to take and I can’t dry swallow them. I need some liquid to wash them down.

I am in an irritable mood. My foot still hurts and I am just cranky. I thought of getting coffee down at my sister’s but I really don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want my coffee and go back up to my room where it’s nice and quiet. I spend most of my time up in my room though today is mostly going to be a sleep day as I just took some more pain meds. I did too much the last two days and am now paying for it.

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we talked about my book anxieties. I feel better now knowing that my editor wants to edit my book as I gave her two chapters and she loved it. One worry down. I also printed off another copy of my manuscript so I can go over it and make changes to it if I feel there need to be. I know there is one section that I want to work on, namely the introduction. My therapist thinks there should be an Epilogue but I am not there yet. Besides, who writes an Epilogue for a memoir? She is going to drive me crazy, more than what I already am. I think she is just excited that I wrote a book after years of telling me to and it finally happened.

Yesterday I was feeling contentment. Today I am just depressed. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I put my status on Facebook that I would work on my short story but I am not that depressed. I need to be in a really dark place to write the short story and I just am not there. FUCK my mother just turned on the living room TV. I might not sleep as much as I want to after all. I am getting annoyed and irritated. And if I just didn’t pop two pain pills, I would be out the door, freezing my ass off for the bus. I really can’t think when I am trying to concentrate but I am hearing LOUD noises downstairs. Then she wonders why I don’t use my office! I swear if my book becomes successful, I am going to rent an office space and just have a table and a chair, maybe a Keurig machine and write there. It will get me out of the house and I will be able to work on my stories without interruption. I won’t have the internet which will not be a distraction and then I can come home and publish what I wrote. Dream world fantasy, I know but it is what it is.

I have been thinking about this story now for days and nothing new has surfaced with it. I think it is done and now I have to wonder if it will be part of my book or not. I have to check to see if I wrote about Hyde. If I did, I will include it in the chapter or the next chapter. So many decisions.

I still need to write something for my short story. I just don’t know where to go. I have never written a plot before or anything like that. But when I do, I will post it on my blog so you guys can read it. I told my psychiatrist about it and I was thankful she didn’t want me to send it to her because I was fearful she would call me out of concern or worse, hospitalize me.

It’s a windy day. House is shaking every time the wind blows. Just wonderful. Add it to my annoyance today. I feel like every time it blows it’s like the big bad wolf huffing and puffing trying to blow the house down. Oh, and to add more to my annoyance, my cell network is doing work in my area. I have not been able to get more than 2 bars in my house since it started. Sometimes I don’t have service in the house at all or outside the house. I tweeted a complaint but never got a response, nor was I expecting one. I have been with the same company now for over ten years. I like them for the most part. Except for right now when I have practically no service in some parts of the house!! I just hope that it clears up by Tuesday when I have my next therapy appointment. Going to be mighty difficult doing talk therapy via text!