Tag: depression

Not having a good night, bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging

I wrote this to my psych. I think I am getting hypo as I haven’t been sleeping the past few nights. Hope it is just because of this stupid flare…

Not having a good night. Major flare where high ankle down to my toes were twitching and setting off anxiety. Then my foot felt like it was a balloon ready to pop. It wasn’t swollen. I carefully touched the top of my foot and it felt really odd, like dead skin but not dry. Maybe fragile is the word. Standing has been a huge problem. Just causes pain. Sometimes I can walk it off and sometimes when I sit back down, i hurt more. I was so overwhelmed and was tempted to page you but didn’t want to bother you with my craziness. So many different pains and sensations were overloading me. It is a little better now but I still hurt. Every time I move pain shoots up again or feels like it is going to cramp, despite the 1 mg of Ativan I took at bedtime. I took 10 mg of baclofen to try and stop the twitching/cramps. Also took 1000 mg of magnesium. I think i need to increase taking the mag for a while. Just hope it doesn’t cause bowel problems. I’ve been leaking urine more so that has been fun. Need to shower more which is difficult when you can’t stand.

I ended the email here, telling her to delete it. I was very scared with all this. The skin issue really is gross. It doesn’t feel like my skin. Then I have a golf ball swelling of malleolus. I rubbed that tonight. It hurt so I stopped. I thought about using lidocaine but wasn’t sure if touching it would set off more twitching.

It is now 1 am. Every time I take off my glasses to lay down, I need to put them back on to read something. My eyesight is bad. I can no longer read my phone without my glasses. I have an upcoming eye appt. It is with a new eye doc as my doc retired. I miss him. I got to change the appt. I got so many calls to make tomorrow and I need to get my haircut. I am going to get a bald cut but leave the top like a flat top. I want to try and have spiked hair by the time my cousin’s wedding comes around in June, if I don’t kill myself from this fucking pain first. I still can’t believe the psychologist wanted to taper my fucking meds! Would he do the same to a diabetic on insulin? I mean seriously!! I am so annoyed. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my meds with this stupid opioid epidemic going on. Chronic pain patients are the ones that are going to be the genocide of the “epidemic”. Apparently politicians are taking away the 1st do no harm from docs by tying their hands. It is either don’t prescribe or lose your license. What kind of medicine is that?

astronomical pain and blacking out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

If my pain was bad when I woke up at 11, it is astronomical now. I am seeing stars. Honestly think I blacked out on the way home as I have no clue how I got there until my mother called while on the bus. Must have been on auto pilot when I left the stinking clinic. I know my ankle pain went nuts shortly after I left his office and it’s fuzzy from there. Thank God I wasn’t driving. I honestly don’t think I have ever been in this much pain before.

The psychologist said that he doesn’t believe that I misuse, abuse, or sell my drugs. And he was going to put that in his notes. I felt good about that. He wanted me to go to some functional program but I honestly don’t know what the benefit would be. He talked about getting around the work issues with the ADA, American Disability Act. I really don’t want to go back to my job as it was just too stressful. I don’t know what else I would do. He mentioned some vocational program and I was like whatever. I just want to go to Starbucks and write. He said there is no longer a doc that will prescribe opioids and that usually they discuss with me what they want and then go to my PCP for them to prescribe it. The good news is that I will see this doc Friday. I don’t know how long it will take to finagle getting my PCP to agree to it is another matter. The psychologist did want to taper me off my meds but yet he said I wasn’t on a high dose of meds. So that part was weird. Why taper me if I am not on a high dose to begin with?? I was frustrated with the appointment as nothing got done.

I am still hurting pretty bad. I just took my night meds so I am hoping to get to sleep early tonight. I wanted to sleep early last night but that never happened. I was up all night and only had about 5 hours of broken sleep. I am tired though so maybe I will sleep. I don’t know anymore. It all depends on what my ankle wants to do. I really want my pain to be controlled better than what it is now, not taken off what I am on. There was talk again of hyperalgesia. I honestly don’t think that is happening. I think they like to think that happens because they can’t explain how pain really goes on.

it’s 2 am…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Sunday Blog 11-Feb-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 11 Feb 18

I had my aunt’s wake today. It went okay. I saw a lot of my cousins that I have seen in quite some time. I am exhausted. I mostly stood the whole time I was there. Not good for my foot. I had to take a pain pill while I was there. Then there was a priest that said a little service. He seemed to go on forever. Then my cousin said a prayer. It was from St. Thomas of Assisi I think. Afterwards, my sisters, brother in law, and I went out to eat. We went to a Mexican restaurant. I had a burrito, that I wasn’t sure how to eat as it had cheese sauce on it. My sister said to eat it with a knife and fork. So I did. It was good. While trying to get in the car on the way home, my foot got stuck in the door. Took me a few tried to get it in the car. It was really hurting then.

I am resting now. I just realized I didn’t make my pill box for the week. Dammit! I’ll fix it when I am done with this blog. I was out most of the afternoon. I didn’t sleep well as I woke up around 3 with my back hurting. It was raining so my arthritic spine went off. Always does. I don’t care what the “scientists” say, when it rains, it hurts.

Word has a template for blogs. I was going to use it but it says that it gives out my information so decided against it. Someone has already tried hacking my blog and I had to change the password. I am glad WordPress has a two step security thing or I never would have known.

I got a migraine. Started out as a headache while I was at the restaurant but now lights and sounds are bothering me. This is the second migraine I’ve has in two days. Don’t know why. So much for wanting to read later. I am just going to go to bed early. Tomorrow I see the pain psychologist. I am really nervous about seeing him. I wonder how long it will be to see a pain doc and if they will prescribe me what I need to help relieve my pain without going through the rigmarole of injections first.

I am so aggravated with my mother. She honestly does NOT fucking get chronic pain, at all! I told her how my foot got stuck in the door of my sister’s car. She asked if I could feel it, and I said no. I had to explain to her that I lost the sense of where my foot is and how I have to consciously be aware of where my foot is or I run the risk of falling or tripping on it. Then she says, “I am walking pretty good”. WTF Like how am I supposed to walk?? Am I supposed to drag my foot? I don’t understand. Makes me so fucking angry.