Tag: depression

really, really bad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Been playing on Facebook for the last few hours, trying to get the nerve up to go play my game. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I have too much on my mind.

I spoke with my therapist today about wanting less sessions and she didn’t buy it because my suicidality is still kicking its head and she feels as long as it is, we are going to have session. Bly me. I am not happy. In fact, I am pissed. I hate this. So I did what anyone in my position would do. I took a couple of this and a couple of that and hope it knocks me out because I still cannot tolerate these fucking feelings anymore.

I just had Chinese food. It was good and the crab rangoons were really good today. I usually don’t like eating them but I was hungry. The chicken fingers weren’t as what I was expecting but the scallion pancakes were. I love scallion pancakes. I rather have that than a meal but it is only an appetizer. So I have lunch and dinner all done. I will probably finish off the Chinese for dinner like I usually do. I can’t eat it all in one sitting like some people can.

I am still feeling exasperated. Soon as I say I want to cut down on sessions she is like ok what is the logical reason for this. There is no longer a logical reason for this. I just want to get the hell out of your clutches so that I can possibly end my life. There I said it. No secret I am suicidal. I just want to be unconscious, permanently. It is really cold today so I just want to go under my blankets while I listen to the radio and try and zone out. No one has caused this to happen to me, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

On a positive note, people have liked the blog that I posted yesterday. It is a reblog of the AAS blog that was posted last night. I am glad people like my writing, even though I don’t think too highly of it, but then I think every writer thinks that.

distress intolerance

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Tolerating distress

I have been in a bad mood for the past hour. I have been in wicked bad pain and it has me thinking of ending my life once again. It is after midnight my time and there is no one that I can really call that will really understand what it is I am going through. I tried reaching out to a few people but as it is a late hour, I got no where.

Then I thought about all the DBT bullshit that I have been through and thought I am doing this wrong. What if I am supposed to be feeling the distress as much as it is intolerateable? I don’t know if that is a word but it is the closest thing that I can think of to describe what I am feeling. The thinking is that if you tolerate the feelings you are better off. I am not sure how. Feeling this way sucks and all I want to do is get rid of it. I mean I am feeling this way only because my foot is killing me and there is nothing I can do except wait for the pain medication to kick in and give me some relief. Listening to my favorite playlist is helping me. I listened to Laura Branigan and her voice always soothes me. I thought about writing in my journal but I am not up to putting pen to paper just yet.

My AAS blog was just published and it started off with today I am in distress because I wanted to kill myself. Why am I still alive when I want so badly to be dead. I just can’t go through with it and it is killing me, being alive, and suffering so much. I know that if I were a dog or cat, I would have been let down already. Funny how we are more humane to animals than we are to humans. The reasons are many and I won’t get into it because I am just not sure it will help me calm down. Anytime I talk about hurting myself I get riled up. And when you throw in that humans suffer because it is, well, expected, it just pisses me off. Would you expect a person dying of cancer to suffer?? Or Parkinson’s disease or any other terminal illness? That is what irks me so much, I have a non-terminal illness and am expected to suffer and go about my life like it is not weighing me down. I hate being like this. I cannot tolerate it. So the hell with the distress intolerance bullshit. It is not helping me just making me wish that I was dead all the more.

Horrendous day, just for a cup of coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Horrendous day, just for a cup of coffee

There was supposed to be a 13:25 bus out of Sully Station but it didn’t show up until 14:00. Talk about being late. I would have reported the bus to twitter had I thought about taking the bus number down at the time but I was too discombobulated to think of it. I caught the next bus to Davis so all was good but I was so mad that I couldn’t sit and edit my book like I wanted to. I just didn’t have my brain power, even with my mocha. I might do some of it at home later but for now I am just going to rest and wait for my friend to go to the gym. We are supposed to meet up today and I hope that we do as we have not seen each other in months.

I am feeling a little better emotionally today, though still feel the depression is over me. I don’t have a lot of physical pain today though I am sure after waiting forty minutes for the stupid bus my leg is going to flare up soon. I hope it doesn’t but you never know. Part of the reason I got up so late was because my leg was in contorting pain last night. I was having weird dreams again and kept waking up from these dreams in pain. I didn’t keep track of the pain meds like I do when I am awake so I guess I will have to figure it out later on.

I just got an email from Medscape or in the news that the FDA wants to change my pain medication to a schedule II class. I don’t know what that means but I know it isn’t going to be good for me if they succeed. If I can’t get my pain medication, I know my doctor might as well sign my death certificate. There will be no way for me to function with NO pain medications at all. I know just the thought of having no pain medication is enough for me to become suicidal. I know I don’t really need no prompting as my thoughts are there anyways but at least if my physical pain is controlled, I can usually handle my mental pain. It is when BOTH are raging that I am in a suicidal crisis. Lately, my mental pain has not been too bad. I haven’t been as hopeless as I have been in a LONG time. I am not saying that I am thinking about a future or stuff like that but I do look forward to tomorrow more than I have in the past. I don’t know why that is or why it has changed. Frankly I don’t really care. I know my therapist would love to tease it apart and analyze it to death but I really don’t care. Being a little hopeful is better than being hopelessly depressed. Maybe one day I will think about my future but I am not there yet.

Today is my youngest sister’s birthday. She is at the Patriots game and I just got a text saying that there will be a special pre-game ceremony for the Red Sox as they are WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS!! I still cannot believe it. I have not watched the game in its entirety yet. I am still in the inning where Stephen Drew hits his solo home run. I could watch that over and over and over again. This guy has been in a slump and soon as he gets his first pitch he drills it out to the bullpen. SO FRIGGEN AWESOME! Then to watch Ellsbury miss his home run was so cool. He got a double on his first or second pitch. Then they intentionally walked Ortiz. I could go on about this but I won’t. It just makes me happy that I lived to see the Red Sox win another championship. That is three in my lifetime. So awesome.

I wish I could say that my suicidal thoughts have been gone since baseball season came to an official close but it hasn’t. I don’t really think my thoughts will ever stop as they have been with me for so long. I guess it is just another thing I have to learn to live with.

chronic urge to kill myself

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

It has been less than 24 hours since my last post. I really don’t care. I am in a lot of pain right now and soon I will be down for the count. I hate being in pain all the time. It started when I got to the kitchen to make myself a bagel. My foot cramped on the cold tile floor. I know I should have been wearing slippers but I wasn’t thinking. I had to go to the bathroom fast or I would have lost control of my bladder. Soon after my foot settles down, my calf muscle in the same leg decides to spasm up a little bit so now it is tight and I can’t stretch it out. I was going to watch the Red Sox parade on TV but I just took my pain meds so I will be knocked out soon.

People think that I am normal and that is what kills me. Most of the time I feel like I am normal until the pain starts and tells me otherwise. I cannot win. I wish I were dead. I wish I had taken my life back in August when I was supposed to. Now I am living and in pain and I hate myself for it. Those blue buildings are crushing me and I can’t keep myself away from me any longer. Time for a new plan and one that I can go through with. I am just so tired of being in pain every single day.

In other painful news, The book Team of Rivals that took me literally most of the year to read, I finally finished it last night. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. The author wrote almost ten pages to get to his death. Talk about being wordy. There were some good parts of the book. I wrote a review of it and sent it off to my writing partner for comment. I was harsh but then I really did not like this book. I read it because ten pages of it were based on the movie Lincoln. 10 bloody pages of the 800 page book!! Yes, just shoot me and even those pages were like, huh? That didn’t happen in the movie!! The book rushed the 13th amendment, Robert going into the Army, and the delegate meeting for peace. Ten pages! Really makes you wondering what the 790 pages were about…but This blog is not for book reviews that do not deal with suicidality. I just wrote about it because it was a very painful read, and that I read this book for something other than it was worth. Soon as I post the review on Amazon, I will tell you, for those that are interested.

I am off to dreamland again. I had an interesting breakfast of Oreo Golden cookies and a bagel. I will watch clips of the rally on twitter or TV. I am sure people will be posting pics on Facebook as well. There are more than 10,000 people already in Boston. I would have gone if I was healthy but I am not. I just have the chronic urge to kill myself and chronic pain to fuel it. This is the type of life I lead.