Tag: depression

Post Op

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Hey all,

I had surgery Thursday. It went well and I did have a tethered cord and a messed up disc. They repaired that. Aside from horrendous post op pain I am healing as well as can be. I am getting frustrated with how slowly things are going but to be expected. I can’t rush my recovery. So far bladder is functioning the same as it was. I am not drinking a lot so having little outputs. Sometimes the urge is strong enough for me to pee on my own. Other times I got to cath or I just don’t have any urge and have to cath after 4-5 hours. Urologist said I might have to go every half hour in the beginning. Luckily it hasn’t worked out that way yet. Most I am going is every three to four hours, which is what uro wants.

I will be in the hospital until at least Tues, barring any complications. PT has been wearing me out severely so they don’t want me going home until my stamina is a little better. I am progressing every day. I’m just not where they want me to be right now. A lot of movement tends to wear me out so fast. Just getting up to pee is tiring. And there is not a lot of steps from my bed to the bathroom. I still need to call someone when I have to go just in case I fall.

I have hit a bit of more depression because of my frustration of not being able to move the way I used to. Back pain is bad but is getting slowly better. I haven’t had this much pain in so long. I am glad they increased my BT to the same dose I am taking extended release med. I hope my pcp can keep this change while I recover as it really helps. I just don’t like the constipation all these meds are causing. I can’t wait to go home and take Miralax twice a day as I know it might cause colon blow but it is so needed right now. I am so bloated from not going.

Sleep has been elusive but I hopefully will be getting my meds earlier than I did last night. Last night I got them really late so had a difficult time getting to sleep. Plus RN wanted me to take a med at 2 am so I didn’t want to sleep then be woken up. I ended up sleeping until 330 when I woke up to pee. Bladder is good for that. Seems that time is my regular time. I hate it. But I end up cathing to make sure I am empty so I can sleep.

My roommate went home. He was a dude from Maine with similar issues as me with the back. We exchanged numbers and said we’d call. Don’t know if it will happen. He seems to be a good man. Tends to talk a lot in circles but he is an older gentleman.

I hope I don’t have a problem sleeping. I am so tired I feel like I can sleep through the night. Hope I do.

day of surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Day of surgery

I woke up an hour before my alarm. I plan on staying up. How I want a cup of coffee right now or tea. I just took my meds with the bare minimum of water. It was so gross taking them with water, especially this early in the morning. I can’t drink water and now I am a little nauseous. Hope it goes away. I got to brush my teeth. I was going to shower and I might. Just not right now. I am wicked nervous about this and my right arm is half a asleep. I hate when I sleep on it. I got an empty eyeglass case so that nothing happens to my glasses.

I got to get ready now. I just wanted to write a quick note that I may not be writing for a while. I am not sure when I will write next but I will when I am up to it and I will bitch about every second of it so expect swear words.

Anxiety continues and panic is starting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxiety continues and panic is starting

I keep on being “ok” and then I will log onto the patient web thing and see my “procedure” appointment and I just panic. So I can go from a little anxiety to major anxiety in a short time. I hate having this much anxiety. To set things even better, I am having extrapyramidal symptoms in my hands as I cannot hold a pen without shaking. I took some Benadryl as that is what a google said was for fast relief. I was going to take an Ativan but seeing as allergies are out of control, Benadryl seemed a better choice as it will help the anxiety as well. If I feel drowsy I will sleep. I got nothing planned. I nixed going out. Even if I got the half and half, it would go to waste as I would be the only one using it and for 2 days I am not going to go through a quart so I would just waste my money. My waistline does not need Oreos. I still would like the cereal though. Oh well. I will make do without.

I finally was able to successfully test the virtual health thing, I think. I got it on my laptop and phone so I can use either tomorrow. I think I might do the laptop in the morning and then phone in the afternoon. I am not sure. I told my therapist I was having difficulties, and she said we can have a phone call session. I am so nervous technology is going to fail. But we will see tomorrow if all goes to plan.

I had like four of my hard cookies. They made good for dunking in my tea. Bladder is not working today as far as voiding on my own. I am writing down some questions for the urologist if I am able to connect for tomorrow’s appointment. I’d like to know if what I am doing is alright with her. I think what I am doing is okay but there are times where I cath more than 5 times a day and then there are days where I only cath 2 or 3 times. It totally varies on my urge to go. Sometimes it is strong and other times it is there but not enough to go. I can sit on the toilet but it takes like 5 minutes of sitting there to pee. I hate it. But then I hate cathing too. I got into a really bad fit last night about it. Mostly because it triggered a flashback but most of the time I can shrug it off. Yesterday was a day where things I normally shrug off didn’t get shrugged. I was having such a hard time and then there is this therapist in MN that keeps counseling me. I know she is just trying to be nice and supportive. But I just find it a little weird.

I had chili for brunch. Had tea as well. I don’t know what else I will have. I am not hungry right now. I might have cereal later. I am trying my best to not have anything after 10pm. Last night I failed. I was hungry so had a PB&J sandwich around 11pm. I just realized I am not going to have Starbucks until after surgery. What a bummer. They closed the Au Bu Pain near the hospital so I can’t have their coffee either. I am sad about that because I love Au Bu Pain. I wonder if the one in the Square is still open? I got to look next time I go there.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I plan on giving it after my appointment with my uro, that is if I don’t end up giving it around or after midnight if I am still up. I want to change my sheets but I will probably do that tomorrow. That should make me tired enough to go to bed early so I am not up all night. I don’t know if I am going to sleep or not. I am so anxious as it is. I am surprised I am sleeping. I slept all morning though because I was up at 2 bloody am with my damn bladder. I hope that I don’t have a repeat of this tonight as I need to be up at 8 am to be ready for my uro appointment at 9. Got three appointments and I don’t have to leave the house. Going to be weird.

Public transportation disability services and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Public transportation disability services and stuff

I had my interview with disability services to get a Ride to where I need to go for medical appointments and other things as long as they were T accessible. I think I got approved as the guy said I should hear back within two to three days. I am hoping two because the third day I will be in surgery. I was wicked beat after the appointment but I had to go to Walgreens for my mother and get some more Gatorade to last me until Thurs. I worked out a system with my bag with my former coworkers as I will need my phone charger more than anything else. I don’t think I will have anything by mouth the first day as I will be flat on my back the first 24 hours. Hospital is in shut down mode so my outpatient appointments have become either phone or video appointments. I spent most of the time this morning getting phone calls about this. I did call my neurosurgeon’s NP and surgery is scheduled. I am to report at the times they gave me. Just thinking about this has given me such anxiety. I spent most of the night prepping my bag with stuff I want to take with me. The last thing I needed was Gatorade. I think I have everything but the meds that they may not have in formulary.

After the trip with Walgreens I started wheezing. I know it is because I am tired and it was cold out as I was rushing to get back home. I just wanted to be in my room under the covers. I gave up keeping the window open. It got too cold in my room. I would have to close it anyway in a few days so just as well. One less thing to worry about. I talked with my ex-supervisor at work and he is lending me my old locker to store my stuff in it so I have a place to put it. This way I don’t have to worry about my family bringing me stuff when my coworkers are already there. Please give a shout out to the medical pathology departments in your hospital because they are working just as hard as the doctors and nurses to give results that are needed for this crisis.

I hate having to cath. I honestly hope it is better after surgery because I cannot live like this anymore. It is just too fucking hard. The flashbacks of trauma don’t help. One day I will write about the stuff I went through with a parent but not right now. I can’t get myself worked up with all this stupid fucking anxiety around surgery. It will just throw gas into the fire when I am trying to burn the fire out. Allergies have been bad the past few days and it isn’t officially spring yet till Thurs. That is probably why I was wheezing. Allergies. I just took Flonase so hope that calms it down some. I will take Benadryl if I need to. I might anyways to calm the fuck down. I had minimal sleep last night because I was crazy with anxiety. My phone kept ringing or I had to make calls this morning and I don’t even remember who I talked to because I was on the phone, writing emails, getting shit done all before I had a cuppa. I didn’t want cawfee and now I won’t be able to have it because I don’t have half and half. I have to go to the super market and get it tomorrow. I want to get Golden Oreos, too. And this stupid cereal I fell in love with but can’t seem to find anywhere but in the damn stores. It’s a flax seed and multigrain flakes cereal that is made by Nature’s Path. So good. That is all I want. Then next week or whenever I am home from the hospital, I can order my regular grocery stuff.