Tag: disability

in a depressed state

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a depressed state

I wanted to write another blog last night but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt super depressed about being in pain and it just caused this downward spiral. I just wanted to die. I still feel this way because my pain is really bad. I didn’t go to PT today because I didn’t sleep. I went to bed after 0400. I thought I would be able to go but I just could not get myself up. I called about an hour before my appt to say I wasn’t going.

I tried calling the courthouse to set up a time for Tuesday. For some stupid reason, I said 9. WTF was I thinking?? So 9 am Tuesday I go with my paperwork to get my name changed legally. Then the headache of calling everyone and their mother starts. I’m going to try and go to Social Security the following week. Depends on how I feel. Once that is done, I will go to the RMV to change and hopefully renew my license. My license expires in Dec so I don’t know if it’s too early to renew. I have to go in person, which is going to be a pain in the ass.

Around 4, I emailed my psych telling her I had enough and that I had a plan and I was going through with it. She wanted me to call her this afternoon. I paged her after I had something to eat. As I was going back to my room, my foot bones exploded with pain. I was again suicidal. I just wanted to die. There is no reason for me to continue going on. I don’t see the point in talking to her, I really don’t. My pain is not going to change, well it will but only for the worst. I’m still waiting to hear back from her. I really don’t care if she doesn’t call. I’m not really in a talking mood.

disgusted about appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Disgusted about appt and other things

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I kept changing my alarm until it was leave now or be really late. Well, the 945 bus never showed up and I had to wait for the next one, which didn’t take me to the Square. I was late to my 1100 appt. To make it worse, they had delays on the red line. Just lovely. I met with the coordinator for the pain support group. Things were going well, I thought, until I was about to leave, she says that she is not sure the group is for me because of my suicidal history and psychotic symptoms. I was floored. This bitch is the only thing standing between me and joining this group. I am done trying to please her. So she can shove the group up her ass. I am telling my psychiatrist that I don’t want to join the group when I see her next week. I will also leave this bitch a voicemail saying that I am no longer interested. I have waited all year to get into this group and it’s been nothing but red tape.

I then left to get my scripts and get my blood drawn. I was starving by this time as the blood needed to be fasting. I couldn’t wait to get to Starbucks. I needed caffeine and a sandwich. Afterwards, I planned on getting my haircut. I didn’t write in my journal as I just wanted to get my haircut and go home. He did a good job and I am happy with it, as always. I caught the bus home and then went to Walgreens to fill my pain meds. I was hoping there wasn’t going to be a problem filling both scripts. There wasn’t. I then asked what went on with name changes and she told me I needed to go to Social Security and then the RMV before I called my insurance. UGH. I didn’t think of that part. I knew I was going to go to those places but didn’t know I had to do it right away. I need to renew my license but I don’t have the money to do it until the next pay period. I think I am going to put it off a week. It’s going to take me some time to get to Social Security because the closest office near me is in Cambridge but isn’t T accessible. I would have to take a zipcar. I am not entirely sure where it is either. I know the vicinity but I have never been there. While I am there, I am going to have them unblock me so I can access my records online.

I told my mother I will be ordering Chinese food for supper. I figure I would order so she doesn’t have to cook. I have been trying to make it easy for her to have meals or to help her but some days it’s hard for me. I feel bad that I can’t always be dependent on because of my pain levels. Today I tried coming up with ten items my PT wants that I want to work on. I wrote 2 in a spreadsheet on the way home. I can’t think of anything else but these two, wanting to stand for longer than 10 minutes in the shower and making small meals or baking without having to sit at each step. It would be good to be able to make pancakes without having to sit because standing causes me too much stress. I don’t know if this is possible but it’s better than nothing. If I come up with something more before tomorrow, I’ll jot it down.

The PT wanted me to use compression socks but my foot/ankle has been so sensitive that I can’t put it on. Even now with the AC and ceiling fan going it’s hurting my foot. I haven’t been able to do the exercise she gave me because I have been in too much pain. I feel bad about this. I can only do what I can. I’ve had a busy week and next week is busy too. I see the neuro specialist. It’s at 8 am. I think I am going to skip the PT session so I can make it as waking up in the morning hasn’t been happening and I don’t want to wait another 3 months for this doc. It really sucks that I need rest days in between appts and stuff. Just planning things is really difficult because I don’t know what my pain is going to be like until that day hits.

where has the hope gone?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Where has the hope gone?

I woke up around 8 in pain. I took some pain meds and went to the bathroom. I fell back to sleep only to wake up in pain again. I called my friend to tell him I wasn’t going to see him or my friends south of Boston. I felt pretty crummy about cancelling as I was really looking forward to going. My friends understood. They still love me but some how I feel so hopeless. I know it is because of the stuff the PT did yesterday that I am hurting and it’s not always going to be like this. My brain does know this but my feelings are in this abyss of things are never going to get better. I just want to die right now. Just end my life so I don’t have to hurt anymore.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the good news about PT. I asked her, again, for an appt time and she responded with one. It’s next Friday morning. I will have my name changed by then, I hope.

I’m going to cry myself to sleep now. I just hurt too much.

Pain and torture? NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain and torture? NOT

I had a difficult sleep. I had set my alarm for 0930 but I woke up in pain around 5 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was really tired so I took an Ativan and finally went back to sleep sometime after 6. My alarm went off and I didn’t want to wake up. I stayed in bed. I didn’t fall back to sleep but when I looked at the time it was 1015. Shit. I had to hurry up and catch the bus to PT. My Bluetooth headset was working okay until I got to where I was going. Then it became all staticky.

I was 45 mins early but I rather be early than late. I played with my phone. I didn’t know what to expect. The PT called me in at the appt time. She went over my history and what the evaluator PT wrote in her notes. She explained that she does things differently. She works on my sensitivity and then my cognitive ways to deal with CRPS. It wasn’t going to be the typical therapy where I am given a bunch of exercises and told to do them. I was going to get homework but they were not hard. She said, to my surprise, I had some weakness in my right foot that I use for stabilization. She wanted to work on that as my left is weaker than my right. Then she tested my zones to see where my pain and desensitization was. She didn’t hurt me too bad as she didn’t want to cause a flare. She said that if at any time I hurt, to let her know and she can modify what she is doing or stop it all together. I thought that was sweet. She said that I am driving the sessions and it will be based on my pain and how I respond is how she works. Those were music to my ears. She wanted me to download an app to work on the left and right. It was an app that you had to pay for. It also was a large download as it took several minutes.

I left the appt feeling good about how things were going to go. I had to wait for the bus as I had no idea of the schedule. Luckily for me, the bus that goes to my house was the bus that came next. I didn’t have to transfer buses, which was nice. I went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and get some lunch. I wanted some White Castle burgers. I bought 2 boxes and an energy drink. I had some sliders and then I was sleepy. My hip was hurting and I’m not sure if it was because of how I was standing waiting for the bus or the exercise the PT gave me. I laid down and my foot/ankle flared up. I was not happy but not surprised either. I took some meds to quiet it down and just laid down until I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to sleep so soundly but I did. I figure I would get out of bed when my med alarm went off but my bladder went off first. My hip is still hurting after my nap. I hope I didn’t do anything to it.

I took my night meds when I came back upstairs. Unfortunately, one pill fell into my Powerade bottle. I drank it all to get the pill out but it had already dissolved. First time that has ever happened. I am going to go to bed early tonight. I am just feeling completely wiped out. I was going to order a steak tip dinner but I’m not that hungry. My PCP’s office didn’t call me about my scripts and I am not happy about it. I left a message for them to call me and they didn’t. Bums.