Tag: disability

Two chores done!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two chores done!

I needed to change my sheets and take a shower. When I woke up, I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I sort of made plans with a friend to come over today and when he texted me, I almost cried. There was no way I was up for company. He understood and he sent his hugs so that made me feel a little better.

I then started clearing off my bed and took off the dirty sheets. I brought them downstairs and threw the comforter in the washer. Then I wrestled with the fitted sheet using the clips I bought to keep them on my bed. It was easier putting the clips on my sheet than tucking them under my mattress. I think I did it right. We’ll see. I had to rest when all four corners were in. My back was killing me. I rested for a few minutes and then put the other sheet on and the pillow cases for the pillows. I was thinking of going to the Square but after I took a shower, my ankle is really hurting so it’s not happening. I don’t even think I am going to go to the liquor store for beer. Even though I just did two things, I am in a lot of pain.

I made some lunch and then snacked. My mother will be making dinner soon. I don’t think I am going to eat it. Maybe later in the evening. By the time I was done having lunch, my comforter was done in the dryer. I brought it upstairs and put it on my bed. Now I want to hide under the covers but my sleep has been off the past few days. I am going to try and not sleep until later tonight. I really want to try and go to the Square tomorrow so I can get some more turkey breast. I ran out. I really love making the roll ups with cranberry sauce. It’s like my favorite thing to make because it is so easy. I also love making the tortilla into a burrito with eggs for breakfast. I also need to get more eggs as my mother has just one dozen left. I want to make cookies this weekend. It won’t be tomorrow but maybe Sunday or Monday.

I am feeling really dowsy, like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Maybe I should make some coffee. It’s still early for a cup. But I have a feeling it will be like taking a sleeping pill. If I don’t drink it, oh well. I am going to try it. I need to stay awake as I have been sleeping all morning. I hate when my depression makes me so tired. It sucks.

no sleep again!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

No sleep again

I didn’t fall asleep until 0630 this morning. I was up all night. Every time I wanted to lie down, my foot or ankle or both, acted up in severe pain. I slept for about 7 hours before my damn mother called me wanting to know where I was. I didn’t pick up the phone. I took my pain meds. Then went downstairs to use the bathroom.

A friend had messaged me saying she was at work and I could swing by with my books whenever. I told her I would be by in about a half hour. I really didn’t want to go but I wanted to see my friend. I trudged up the hill to the office she was at and I was hurting. My ankle and toes acted up. I gave her the books and then left. I had an errand to do for my mother so I went to Walgreens. I wanted a drink or a snack so I got a Mountain Dew energy drink. It didn’t give me energy. My ankle is really acting up. I am in a lot of pain. I finished my zucchini bread and the rest of the energy drink. I told my mother I would be ordering Chinese food for dinner. She said ok. I think ordering Chinese is the only thing that she likes me to order. She never gives me a hard time about it but if I order a burger or any other type of food, she does. I don’t get it. It’s not like I am using her money. Whatever.

I’m pretty wiped out. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I really wanted to change my sheets today but I knew that I would feel shitty when I got up. Guess it will have to wait till tomorrow. I am hurting pretty bad. My ankle just kicked up a few notches so I had to take the strong pain pill. It was hurting so bad my thoughts immediately went to suicide. I’m starting to keep a record of the consecutive days that I think about suicide due to pain only. If I think about suicide because of my depression or psychache, it doesn’t count.

OSU plays their first football game of the season tomorrow. I can’t wait. I have been looking forward to their games all summer. I think the Huskers play on Saturday. I tried downloading the schedule but couldn’t get it. I’ll just have to look online. I used to have the college football app but couldn’t find it in Google Play. I loved that app.

Think I need to take another strong pain pill. Pain is not going down and now my ankle bone is hurting really bad. This makes day 4 of it hurting. Tomorrow I don’t have to do a damn thing, other than change my sheets if I am up to it. I am not going out or anything. It will be a rest day. I’ll shut my phone off so if my damn mother decided to call, it will go directly to voicemail. Maybe I will block her when I sleep. There is an idea. I wish she would leave a reason for her call but she never does. She just says “give me a call when you get a chance” and hangs up. Annoying!

in need of a nap but just woke up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In need of a nap but I just woke up

I woke up around noon time and really wanted coffee and some of my zucchini bread. I made the coffee and the new creamer that I have spoils the coffee. All you can taste is the cream. I don’t want to taste cream, I want coffee dammit. I feel bad because it’s a huge bottle and I paid like $4 for it. Now it is going to go to waste as I am not going to use it anymore. I’ll stick with the half and half.

I took my cream up to my room after I finished my zucchini bread and started reading Twitter. The feed was all about the floods in Houston and how high the water was. There have been 5 deaths. It was getting me kind of anxious so I stopped reading it. I hate reading about natural disasters and people being evacuated and displaced. The worse part is that people are abandoning their pets. These poor little creatures depend on us and their owners just leave them to fend on their own. Why bother having a pet if you aren’t going to take care of them? Makes me sick and angry.

I had some lunch as I thought I should have real food and now I want to nap. I’ve only been up for about 2 hours. My ankle is killing me. I finally gave in and took some pain meds. I was trying to see if it would go away on its own. Wrong. Silly me.

It’s cool today. I have the ceiling fan on and I need to change the speed so I don’t feel cold but I really don’t want to. I just put on a long sleeve shirt. I need to fill my med box for the week. I want to give the pain meds a chance to work before I stand for a while. I’m listening to my all male playlist. There are very little female artists out in the country scene these days. Every new group have all male artists. It’s rare to hear a female artist now a days. I miss hearing Carrie Underwood and even Miranda Lambert, even though I don’t like her personally. I won’t go into the reasons.

I told my mother I will have Sloppy Joe for supper as I need to use it up before it goes bad. I actually like it reheated better than freshly made. For some reason, it just tastes better. I need to make the Lemon sour cream cookies but I think I will make them next week so I can bring some to my psychiatrist when I see her.

I am glad I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, even if he is a dickhead. Maybe he can help me, however doubtful, to know why I feel guilty when I take my strong pain pill. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve it or maybe don’t deserve pain relief? I am in a lot of pain, still, and had to take one of the pills. I had given ample time for my regular pain meds to work but I think I waited too long. My foot is also burning so I need to take some Neurontin and it’s not even close to bed time yet. UGH. Life with Chronic Pain…

Saturday Blog 26 August 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 26 August 2017

I woke up around 8ish. My foot was being crushed and my bladder needed to be emptied. I played with my phone for a bit and wanted to go back to sleep but knew if I did, I wouldn’t go out to the meat shop. I checked to see when the next bus was and it was at 0915. I got dressed and then went to the bus stop. My mother didn’t hear me leave. She never does.

I got breakfast at Starbucks and wrote for a bit. Then I checked when the bus home would be. It was in about 40 mins so I left to do some shopping. I had to get eggs and my ground beef. The meat market had the ground beef on sale so I got a big package as that was the only way to get the special price. I didn’t want to get 4 pounds but whatever. I’d use some and then freeze the rest.

I called my mother when I got to the bus stop waiting area. I told her I got the eggs and she said she was calling me a mouse from now on because she didn’t hear me leave. Whatever. She asked how much the eggs were and then called me a “good girl” for getting two dozen. I cringed. She wanted me to get chicken wings but I told her I had already left the store. The chicken breast was too “expensive” and she was glad that I didn’t get it. For some reason, it didn’t look right to me so I didn’t want to get it anyway.

I came home and put the stuff away. I’m always super careful when I buy eggs because I can be a bit of a klutz. I have broken one too many eggs in my lifetime because I wasn’t careful. I took out some butter for making the chocolate zucchini bread I plan to bake. I was going to make it yesterday but was too tired. Today is still cool so I can turn on the oven. Shredding the zucchini is going to be fun, I hope. I bought four because it calls for I think 2 cups packed. It also calls for a lot of chocolate. YUM! I bought dark chocolate. I hope it comes out good.

I’m listening to Taylor Swift because I am in that kind of mood. I’m still on the fence on liking her new song. I don’t know what to make of it. I know it will grow on me if I listen to it enough. I can’t wait for her new album to come out.

My laptop screen is really going. The glitch problem is getting worse. I can only have my screen a certain angle to have it clear. I am so annoyed. I got to get in touch with my friend to find out how much a new one is going to cost. I hate to buy a new laptop when everything else on this baby is working fine. I eventually need to upgrade Microsoft office but I’ll do that when I feel like it or buy another laptop. I will get two licenses so I can put it on this laptop and the new one. Sucks that they will only allow a licensed copy on one computer when the software costs so damn much. No more sharing of CDs though I think now you just download the software. Most new laptops don’t have a CD drive anymore. Pretty soon they will be obsolete like the 3 inch diskettes.

I’m going to make Manwich for lunch. It will be my meal for the next few days because I am the only one that likes it. I haven’t had it in a long time.