Tag: disability

my blogging adventures for the month

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

My blogging adventures for the month

In addition to my daily blah blah blogs, I will be writing about suicide prevention and about things related to it. A friend of mine gave me a few ideas on the subject as well as writing stories about what it is like being a patient in the hospital. I can go one for days with that one as I have had many hospitalizations spanning many years. I will also write some stuff on what I think works best to prevent suicide and why therapists NEED to be trained and use what they learn in their practice. Otherwise, what is the purpose of spending money or attending a seminar in suicide prevention and not use it?? That just irritates me.

I slept in three hour increments last night, giving up around 1000 or so. I washed up and shaved the back of my head to make it bald. I need to put in a new razor because it’s not as close as it should be. I’ll do that later. I then had a bowl of cereal before getting dressed and leaving to catch the bus. I brought my Bluetooth headset with me but I couldn’t get it to turn on. I think the battery died. I tried charging it while at the bus stop but couldn’t get it to work right. I put it away and pulled out my wired headset.

I dropped off the cookies I made to my barber. He loved the cookies. Then I went to Starbucks for my breakfast sandwich, espresso, and some cookies. I was able to charge my Bluetooth while there. I still have it charging on my laptop. I got kind of antsy after writing in my journal for a bit so went to CVS to look at shavers. I found one that I liked but it was $50. I made note of it on my phone and then went to catch the bus. Luckily it was late as they changed the time to 1220 not 1230 for the fall schedule. I got to the bus waiting area around 1222.

It was muggy by the time I came home. I went to Walgreens as I had a prescription to pick up and I wanted some Reese’s peanut butter cups. They had them on sale so I grabbed 2 packages. My ankle was hurting by the time I got home. I was sweating and needed to clean my sneaker off on my “good” foot as I stepped in some gum. I couldn’t wait to get to my room to cool off.

I was talking more with my friend about suicide prevention and how it’s gone to hell. She was telling me how she lost friends on Facebook because of her new adventures that are away from suicide related stuff. She had made that decision a few years ago as she felt it was time to move on to what she wanted and not live in her sister’s death by suicide. Sibling suicide survivor is hard because it really doesn’t get talked about. She was a strong voice for a while. Now it’s mostly parents that have a voice. A few brothers or sisters have come forward but it’s rare. The stigma is so great that it’s not helping the situation, even though studies have shown that sibling survivors have also thought or attempted suicide. They need care too, not just the parents.

My friend had sent me her blog that she is posting tomorrow and wanted my feedback. I was struck that she included my mentor, Dr. Shneidman’s questions, where do you hurt and how can I help? The Zero Suicide squad has gone away from that concept and really have no substance in helping preventing suicide because they really have no clue other than asking about it and how to go about asking about it, least that is my perception of it. Something about that concept was bugging me and it wasn’t until she brought about those questions that I figured out why it was bothering me so much. The sense of asking where it hurts or what is the one thing that won’t make you suicidal, or how can we make this a life worth living despite the pain of living has been lost. Some are still advocating for it but I worry that for every say 20 therapists that go through a training on suicide prevention, only 1 or 2 will actually take it to heart and use it in their practice. I will write more about this for those that care.

Shneidman was an important man in the evolution of suicidology. I think about him more during this month than any other because he advocated for suicide prevention. Stay tuned to learn more about this great man.

4 AM Blues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

4 AM Blues

I woke up an hour ago due to pain. It was a good thing because it was 11 hours since my last dose. Not good. I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal as I am a little shaky. I should be feeling better in a little while. But the whole thing has me in a deep depression. I just feel so damn low, like I have gray clouds all around me and that there is a heavy weighted blanket on me. The other night I was lying down and it felt like I had this huge weight on my chest. I hate when I have these feeling because there is nothing I can do about it. I just go on as best I can but it’s so hard to be motivated to get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth, etc.

I want to make lemon and sour cream cookies today but I am not sure I will. I just feel crummy. The recipe is kind of difficult because I have to make zest and use lemon juice. I bought a bag of lemons because I wasn’t sure how many lemons I would need. The lemons are medium size. I think I will need at least 3 to make the cookies and maybe 4 for the frosting, if I feel like making it. I usually don’t like frosted cookies.

I made breakfast as I was hungry. Made an egg and cheese roll up with some Lavash bread. It was good. Then I cleaned up so my mother wouldn’t say anything to me. When I came back to my room, my damn ankle acted up so I took a strong pain pill. It’s kind of cloudy and rainy so it will be a good day to bake. I took out the butter that I need for the recipe. It has to be at room temp.

I finished reading my book, Free Refills. It was about a doctor struggling with addiction and how he got his license back to practice medicine. I couldn’t put it down once I started reading it. It was a really good book. I might write a review on it on Goodreads. I just need to collect my thoughts. Finishing that book made 10 so far this year that I have read. My next book is Harry Potter and the Cursed Child and another book called Sins of the Father by Lawrence Block. I read a few pages of the Harry Potter book. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It is interesting.

I’m going to go back to sleep now. Meds are kicking in and I’m feeling sleepy. I’ll write more later.

Saturday Blog 2 Sept 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 2 Sept 2017

I’ve had an exhausting day. I woke up at noon after having some difficulty sleeping. I went to bed around 0230 only to wake up 45 mins later coughing because my throat was dry. It didn’t subside despite drinking some powerade so I took some Nyquil. That shit knocked me out and when I woke up, I was hungover. I was really groggy but I wasn’t in pain. I decided to chance going to the Square to get my haircut and do a little shopping. I want to make cookies but we are low on eggs, again. The recipe calls for 4 so I figured getting 4 dozen would be good for my mother and my baking needs. We go through a lot of eggs. I also wanted to get some more turkey breast.

I checked the bus schedule and it wasn’t coming for about 45 mins. I charged my phone as I had it off the charger all night and it was about 40 %. I was still contemplating going as I felt so crappy. But figured having espresso and being out might be good. I haven’t really left the house since Monday for my therapy appt.

I got to the barber’s shop and had to wait as my barber was with someone. I go to the same person every time because I like the way he cuts my hair. We chatted as he cut. I told him I would be changing my name to G and he was excited that I was moving forward on my transition. After the cut, I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a sandwich. The girl I like was there and she gave me the sandwich. I totally forgot I ordered it so I looked at her blankly when I saw my name on the wrapper. After I ate and had some of my drink, I wrote in my journal for a bit. Then headed to the grocery store to get my things. Their deli counter people are not the friendliest of the bunch. After he finished slicing my order and put a sticker on it, he was talking to someone and I had to wait at least 5 mins for him to give it to me. WTF. Then the same thing happened when I got another deli meat. They really need a crash course in customer service.

The eggs were heavier than I expected. I bought the 4 dozen. I was really careful with carrying them as I am a klutz. Between the weight of the eggs and my bag on my shoulder, I was winded by the time I got home. I am feeling better now but I hate when I wheeze after walking or doing stairs. Just reminds me how out of shape I am and I don’t like it. There really isn’t much I can do about it as I have a bum ankle that doesn’t take me far. The pain crept up as I got home. It’s manageable right now but I know I will need some meds in about an hour when my next dose is. I hope my pain doesn’t flare up. I told my barber I would drop off some cookies to him on Tuesday. I’m not sure if I will make them tomorrow or Monday but I will make them. I don’t want the lemons to go bad or the sour cream.

I need to shower to get the excess hair off my head. Otherwise, I’ll have hair clippings on my sheets and I hate that. I am tired though after all is done. My mother made my favorite dinner, spaghetti with a meat sauce. I thought it was my sauce but she had left over ground beef and cooked it then threw it in the sauce she made the other day. It was good but salty. My mother never thinks so but it was. I never season the beef when I know I will be putting it in something else that has salt in it but my mother doesn’t cook that way.

I think when I shower, I will use my new shower gel. It’s a pear and tree tea or tea tree scented. It is relaxing. Someone at the hospital had it and the shower smelled so nice after being used that I bought it when I got out. I really like it. I normally just use soap but now that winter is coming, I need to use a moisturizing soap as my skin gets really dry and I hate using lotion. There is one lotion I like that isn’t as bad as the others but my leg is sensitive so I need something light. Sometimes it is okay to use on my leg and other times, no way, Jose. Well, pain is creeping up so it’s now or never…

going nuts from pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Going nuts from pain

I finished my chores and ate too much today. I feel like a fat cow right now. I have been trying to be distracted with the ball game but it’s not that interesting to me tonight. I really just want to sleep but pain is all over the place. Basically, half of my foot is being dissected from the “good” part and the rest is hurting like hell.

I am in one of my “I don’t give a shit” moods, which can be a little dangerous. I want relief so bad that I will do anything to achieve it. I took some of this, that, and one other thing that I could take, safely. I can take a little more Neurontin if need be as I only took 600 mg. I’ve been afraid to take it freely because I have the hungry horrors the next day. My stomach is bloated and I hate feeling it. I am grossed out by my own body because of my body image issues. I was doing so well to keep my weight in check but that has all gone to hell. The more I try to restrict, the more I eat. Being hungry all the time doesn’t help. The psych meds I take is causing me weight gain. I’m going to have to bring this up to my psych when I see her next week.

I feel like I should put my foot in a bucket full of ice but I know that will cause me more damage than help me. It might feel good in the beginning but it will cause damage. I hate that. As I posted on my Twitter, I feel like my tendons on the outer side of my foot/ankle are being torn apart. They just feel so inflamed. I just took off my thermal socks and there were indentations where the elastic was. No wonder it was hurting me. Hope it settles down now that it’s off.

In my head, I am making a list of things to get while in the Square. I also want to get my haircut. It’s getting longer than I want it to be. Basically, I just want eggs and turkey breast after I get my espresso or a latte. I have a free drink reward so I might use that tomorrow, if I can get the energy to go out. Mornings are so hard. I set up a time in the morning on Wednesday for a study.  I just hope that I can wake up at that time. Mornings haven’t been kind to me lately.

Sox are winning so far. Score is 4-1 in the bottom of the 9th. I think they lost last night so if they win tonight, they will gain back the ground they lost. They are playing the Skankees and both are competing for 1st place, but my boys are in first and the Skanks are a few games behind. These games are so important now that it’s close to the end of the season. There is just one month left of regular season baseball.

My Buckeyes won last night. They came back from behind. I am so proud of them. It was nice waking up to a win. I couldn’t keep my eyes open after 9 pm last night. I was just dead tired. I am going to try and sleep tonight but I think pain is going to keep me up and I am not looking forward to that at all. I took a strong pain pill and am going to take another Ativan.

I have been taking 1000 mg of Vitamin C the past few days. I am trying to see if it helps my pain any. So far it hasn’t done anything but it’s only been a few days so that is to be expected. I am taking it at night with my night meds. I don’t think I can keep them in my box as they are softgels and it gets a little tacky with this heat, even though it’s cool out, my room is kind of warm. I have the ceiling fan on as I couldn’t stand the smell of the drywall. It’s just a musty type of smell and I can’t stand it. I really need to get something called Rid-X to take the dampness out of my room. I used it before but that was years ago.

I keep fantasizing my death and or how I would cut my ankle off. It’s like a recurring movie or something. I try not dwelling on it but when the pain is so damn bad, I can’t help but think of an escape or that maybe if I did do damage to my tendons it would then be a reason for me to hurt. Not seeing something that is hurting is the hardest part of this condition. But it’s like my mental illness, you can’t see it yet it’s there. I can’t bash my brain in to make it real either. Just doesn’t work that way. But I get so frustrated with my foot and ankle hurting all the time. It’s like I take all these pills to help me and I’m still depressed, I’m still in pain, I’m still wondering what it will be like to not hurt so much all the fricken time. It’s so draining. Just changing my sheets and taking a shower really hurt me. Now I want to sleep but I am overtired, my pain is worse, and I am kicking myself for eating too much. I wonder if my doc will put me on an appetite suppressant so I don’t eat all the time. I think if I had something to go against the urge to eat all the time, maybe I can keep the weight off. I’ll talk to my psych about it. I hate to be on yet another pill but I’m getting worried that gaining weight and not being able to lose it might lead to more health problems, which I don’t need. If I could walk, that would be one thing. But I can’t exercise as that just causes me more pain. It’s a tough situation. And it is very frustrating.