Tag: disability

Ramblings 474

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 474

Today’s pain is not much different than it has been in the early morning hours. My ankle gave way just as I was having supper. I am in mega pain now. I have been trying to relax all day. I watched the movie Moana as it was free on Netflix. It was a good distraction and I really liked the movie.

It rained today so my back was acting up. It has settled down now but it’s muggy so I have the AC going. I can’t stand humidity at all. I emailed my psych to ask for a refill for the Invega as I would run out before I see her next. It’s ready at the pharmacy but I will pick it up tomorrow. I am hurting too much to walk outside. I am watching my niece tomorrow and was going to take her for lunch but I just got email saying my phones will be delivered tomorrow. I will wait for the delivery and then take her out. We’ll have lunch at Chipotle’s. This is the plan as long as I am not being tortured by my ankle. I just found out that it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and all weekend so I may not go out as planned. My sister will be leaving me cash so maybe I’ll just order pizza and fries for us.

I had taken an Ativan when the pain started to get really bad so I could possibly take a nap. I watched the movie instead and that helped to settle down the pain anxiety I was feeling. I really just want to chop my ankle off. It is so uncomfortable and I hate being so miserable all the damn time. It’s like every day I keep on having severe pain and I just can’t keep up with it. I’ve been taking my meds around the clock and they do work to lower the level of pain but it’s still there all the time. I’m never at a zero. My foot and ankle always tell me it is there. I hate it.

I’m going to try and go to sleep at a decent hour so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night. Think I will take a strong pain med at bedtime and see if that prevents me from waking up in the early morning hours. I need to sleep. There is no baseball game today as they are off. They won yesterday. It was a day game but because I was on the phone most of the day with Sprint, I didn’t watch or listen to it. I just caught the score on Facebook. The rookie had his first major league hit with a homerun. That was sweet. I hope we get good things from him and that management didn’t bring him up too early.

Was going through Twitter and Jason Aldean tweeted his video for his song “Night Train” and it brought back memories of his album. Now I am listening to it. I love these songs. I think this was the last Jason Aldean album that I bought. The rest of his songs are just individually purchased.

I am to take my night meds in about an hour. I will take the strong pain pill then. I need to try and get this pain under control. I know it is sometimes an uphill battle because all it takes is movement or a touch to set off my pain. It is so frustrating. I need to take a shower but it’s not happening tonight. Maybe tomorrow morning. My pain levels tend to be lower in the morning than any other time of day, not always but usually. If I have severe pain in the morning, it doesn’t bode well for a good day.

The pain group coordinator’s office staff called me to set up an appointment. It’s in October. Lovely. My October schedule seems to be getting filled. I see my PCP, the new neuro, and now this coordinator. I don’t know why I have to have a new intake when I saw her a few months ago. The only thing new is that I am seeing a therapist, which was her requirement before I went to the group. I don’t really care. The way that things are going, I might not be around come October so it doesn’t really matter.

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Out of spoons by the time I had the pan on the stove

My rough day continues. I made my coffee and then started preparing for the sauce/dirty gravy. I went to Walgreens for my scripts, leaving my coffee behind. It was still hot by the time I came back. I prepared the garlic, put oil in the pot, and then added the garlic. While that was going on, I tried opening the cans of tomatoes. I forgot the can opener was broken. I had to go back to Walgreens to buy a new one. By this time, the mugginess had gotten worse after the rain. I was a hot mess by the time I came back to the kitchen. I was out of spoons and I didn’t even start what I set out to do.

I sat down and rested for a few minutes, trying to drink my coffee. I had shut off the gas to the pan so I didn’t have to worry about burning the garlic. I still had my sneakers on as I didn’t want to go up to my room to take them off. After a while, my little toe on my good foot started hurting. Fucking A. I took them off, but left them by the stairs.

I opened the cans of tomatoes after the garlic browned a bit. Then I put them in the pan. Then I added a can and half of water. I also started putting in my spices and pepper. I added a half teaspoon of sugar and then stirred. I let it come to a boil. Next was to cook the beef. I didn’t want to wait an hour for the sauce to cook first. It would still taste the same. I cooked the beef, breaking it into little pieces as it cooked. Then the tomatoes came to a boil and I let it boil for about five minutes. In between, I was sitting down, resting my ankle. I had my music playing.

The beef was cooked and then I simmered the sauce on low heat. It was already starting to smell so good. I love the smell of gravy. Hint to anyone that makes candles, the scent would be awesome as a candle!! It just means home to me. I was letting the sauce cook as the beef was cooling. After about an hour, I put the beef into the sauce. I waited another 45 minutes or so and then it was done. Time to cook the pasta!

I made penne pasta and had two bowls. It was so good! Then I went up to my room to freeze my ass off. I was dead tired. A friend of mine started texting me so I talked with her for a bit. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and took a nap. Now I am feeling MORE tired and weak. I absolutely have no energy left to put the gravy away in containers or clean up. My mother made a salad for suppah. Guess she didn’t want to cook. It’s so hot in the kitchen. Least with me going in the hosp, I will be surrounded by AC. I will bring my long sleeve shirt with me just in case I get cold but I love the cold anyway.

For some reason, my good foot is hurting me. It’s throbbing really bad. I thought sleeping would make it better but it didn’t. I took some Advil hoping that will calm whatever it is down. I might have slightly twisted it while walking in the rain this morning. I need to get new sneakers that are more supportive and comfortable. I just hope it’s gone by tomorrow. I am sure cooking for a few hours didn’t help it.

rough morning

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough morning

I had a decent sleep but I can’t seem to get going. I went to Walgreens to fill my scripts and that just sucked whatever energy I had. It was pouring when I left the store and I didn’t bring an umbrella. Oh well. The rain was cool and refreshing but I had to walk fast so I didn’t get soaked.

I came home and wanted to get started on the gravy but I just don’t feel up to it right now. My ankle is throbbing. Think I will wait till the pain meds work before I am on my feet getting things ready.

Some idiot is doing some kind of work with a high pitch drill or some other power tool. It is annoying me so bad. I can forget about trying to nap. I’m feeling so worn down. It’s really depressing me. Great. The noise has stopped but the damn birds are chirping.

I have told my groups and some friends that I will be going in the hospital tomorrow. I need to leave early, before my mother gets up, so that I can leave without too much trouble or questions. I have charged all of my electronics and placed my cords for them in my backpack. I also packed one of my favorite Starbucks mugs so that I can use that rather than the hospital cups. I mostly just use it for juice. I mix orange and cranberry to make a punch. I like it. I can’t carry my powerades because it’s too heavy. I am taking one bottle though.

I need to go through my coloring books because they are heavy for some reason and I don’t want my back to be hurting me while I am in there. I packed a suitcase for my clothes and a backpack for books and cords and stuff. It’s been packed for months now because I was supposed to go in Feb, then March but one thing or another prevented me from going. I just hope my foot isn’t in severe pain like it was a few weeks ago. I would have gone in then.

I usually have at least one hospitalization a year. It has been that way since I was a teenager. It gives me a respite and a break while also giving me some routine to the day. I sometimes follow the same routine when I get discharged. Only thing is, I take more naps while in because the meds make me sleepy or I am just bored. Weekends are horrible because there are no groups or anything. Just a bunch of free time. I don’t think I will have any visitors. I usually don’t. I don’t have my family visit because it just annoys me, especially when my mother comes. She asks a million questions and then tries to get answers from the staff. I don’t let her visit. This is why I usually pack everything I can so I don’t have to bother my sister with it.

I might be able to get one of my cousins to take me home when I get discharged. If not, I will just take the T (public transportation). I have done it before, even though it’s a pain in the ass. Getting to the ED won’t be a problem but getting home usually is because it’s farther west of Boston, which means more bus and train rides.

I really don’t want to do anything today. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate it when I more tired than when I went to bed. I had slept good so I should be more awake. Maybe I will make some coffee and that will perk me up some. The rain has cooled off but it’s still muggy in the house. Going to be fun being in the kitchen making the sauce.

being in pain and voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being in pain and voting

I woke up in the middle of the night again in pain so that disrupted my sleep. I slept most of the morning, only getting up once to pee and then have some of my dessert for breakfast. I didn’t make coffee and I didn’t go out. I was supposed to as my mother needed some things at Walgreens but she had my sister go instead. She called me around 1400 asking why I was still in bed and when I told her I was in pain, she asked if I took anything. No, I am just withering in pain, thanks. Course I took something. She doesn’t think sometimes, I swear.

She made dinner and afterwards, I was putting the mashed potatoes away. I wasn’t on my feet for more than 10 minutes. Now my ankle is hurting like I have been on it all damn day. I can’t win.

In between sleeping stints, I have been voting for my shortstop on my Sox team, Xander Bogaerts. I really would love for him to play in the All Star Game next week. Last year, I did the same but he didn’t make it. It would make watching the game worthwhile.

Despite sleeping most of the day, I am still tired. Chronic pain just sucks. It takes so much energy fighting and dealing with it. I’m at the end of my rope with it most days. This is the 3rd day in a row that I have had severe pain. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with some friends for dinner. I hope I am able to go. If I do go, I will be sure to take some pain meds with me so I don’t suffer.

I bought a new Bluetooth headset. Thing isn’t connecting to my phone. I emailed the support and told them. They said does the light stay on while searching. It doesn’t. I tried several different ways but my phone won’t recognize the device. I am bummed. Least I will have it when I upgrade to a new model. I have been thinking of doing so but my phone still works good and has no problems. It does what I want it to do. The only thing I hate is the constant app updates. I had to stop the automatic downloads because it happened every single day. I’d be using the app and it would stop because it was updating. So annoying.

I guess I need to take a shower tonight. My ankle isn’t going to like that at all. But it’s been a few days since I last took one. I like to keep it to a two day minimum, especially during the hot summer days. I have kept the AC off for most of the day because today has been cool and less muggy. I hope tomorrow is the same. Friday I see my psych. It will be good to see her.