Tag: disability

having a rough day so listening to Taylor

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Having a rough day so listening to Taylor

I only got about 4 hours sleep. I was up all night and didn’t go to sleep until 0600. I didn’t think I was going to get to sleep but I took an Ativan and slept a little bit. I made coffee and finished Huck Finn. My sister made a burger on the grill and I am having a beer. I love Sam Adams Summer Ale. I still need to go to the liquor store to see if they have Zima. That is my all time favorite drink. But it’s only limited edition so once it is gone, it is gone.

After I had the burger, the pain in my ankle came back. I took some pain meds. I don’t care that I am drinking a beer with it. One beer isn’t going to hurt me. I’m hoping it will make me sleep for a bit. I am really tired. It has been a long while since I was up all night. I had emailed my psych but haven’t had a response. I really don’t know what I wrote other than I was fed up with my condition and I didn’t want to go in the hospital unless they would amputate my ankle.

It’s another hot day but I don’t care. My sister wanted me to help her with the lawn stuff. HA, No fucking way. I am just glad she got the grill up and running. I miss having BBQ food. There is a chicken kabob recipe I got on Facebook that I want to try. She needs to show me how to work the grill though as I really have no clue.

I was going to change my sheets today but that isn’t going to happen. I am much too tired to attempt such an ordeal. I’ll attempt the task tomorrow. I still need to bring down my recycles. I have two bins now full. I’ll take them down tomorrow as Thursday is trash day, least I think it will be. I’m not sure because today is a holiday.

Can’t believe I am still hurting and I haven’t done a thing for the past half hour. I am starting to feel a little drunk. Doesn’t take much to get a buzz off alcohol these days. I am almost done with my beer. I was hoping it would tone down the pain but I guess not. I am so depressed about it. Seems like nothing helps this pain and I am just forced to live with it. What kind of life is that? Not one that I want to live through. I much rather be dead. But I am a coward. I have a plan and yet I am scared to execute it. I don’t know if I will succeed this time or if I will be saved because I will be in a public space. But it is where I want to die. I hope one of these days I get the guts and go through with it. My only other fear is that it will be too far to walk to. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to exist anymore.

so fucking fed up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So fucking fed up

I woke up at dawn because that is when the sun was shining into my room, brightening it up. It was a little after 0515. I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took my meds. I wanted to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. Around 0630, I was getting hungry so I made an egg sandwich. I then went back to sleep for a few hours before I had to be up for my dentist appointment. I was debating going as my foot and ankle were hurting but decided to keep it as I knew if I cancelled, I wasn’t going to reschedule.

I slept until my alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to make coffee but I would be going to the Square so I didn’t make it. I shaved my head, which resulted in razor burn in the back of my head. I took a shower and then rested for an hour or so. I brushed my teeth, which my ankle didn’t like. I had slipped in the shower so it was smarting.

I went to the bank and there was no line at all so I got to the dentist office early. They took me early. They didn’t take any x-rays, which I was grateful because they always make me gag. I had three cavities. It’s been a few hours since the cleaning and my teeth still hurt from the scraping and flossing. I hate going to the dentist. I am not looking forward to having three cavities filled. The dentist said I need a special toothpaste at night to help protect my teeth better. I hope it’s not gross because I can’t rinse my mouth after I brush or eat or drink for 4 hours. That’s going to be tricky. I guess I will have to take my night meds and then brush my teeth. It’s going to be a challenge but I don’t want more cavities.

I went to Starbucks for lunch and my espresso. I went to deposit my money in my checking account. After I ate, I didn’t feel like writing so went to the barber shop. My barber was out until 1630. I didn’t feel like hanging around till then so caught the next bus home. My foot/ankle was throbbing and I needed pain meds and to put my leg up.

My pain got worse when I got home. I really am fed up. Then at dinner, my mother hated my new PJs and hair style. I am so sick of her comments. She is the most unsupportive person that is supposed to be a caring parent that I ever met. I wish I could ignore her ignorance but I live with her so it’s difficult. Then she wonders why I don’t talk to her. Least it didn’t set off my suicidal urges like it normally does. The pain is doing a fine enough job about that. I think I will get my hair fixed on Saturday. Tomorrow I need to rest or my ankle/foot is just going to kill me. I still want to try and make iced coffee at home. I think I have figured out the coffee to water ratio to make it work.

when you wake up at 0100

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

When you wake up at 0100

I woke up around 0100 because of pain and allergies. My nose was stuffed up and my eyes were tearing. I took some Flonase and pain meds for my foot. I just put in eye drops so my eyes don’t feel so sticky. I can’t go back to sleep. I am awake. I was dreaming about something to do with arachnoiditis. It’s a painful condition in which the nerves are clumped in the spine. It can happen anywhere and it usually caused by steroid injections in the back. One of the many reason I will never have an injection in my back is because of the risk of this condition, that and the fact it’s not going to help. The evidence is mounting that epidural steroid injection are becoming useless despite the pain doctors continuing to practice this. They rather do that than write a prescription because it cost more to have an injection than write out a piece of paper.

I don’t know why I was dreaming about this condition. I guess it was the last thing I looked at before I went to sleep. Sometimes that will happen. It’s so weird.

I took a strong pain pill to help with my foot pain. I also took an Ativan to try and calm me down some because I am just freaking out over being in pain. It’s so bad that I just want to die. I guess I am going to be sleeping today as I am going to be up half the night. I wasn’t planning on doing anything today anyways. I need to rest my ankles. I did a lot this week and I am paying for it.

My psych told me that my PCP did send off the referral to the CRPS specialist, but because of the new “wonderful” system, she is not sure when they will get back to me. I don’t have my hopes up and I am not looking forward to seeing her anyways. I am just done with docs and I know she isn’t going to do much for me other than either say that I have CRPS or I don’t. I will be devastated if she says I don’t because if I don’t, what the fuck do I have? I know the swelling isn’t severe like most cases of CRPS. People in the Facebook group that I belong to show their ankles and the swelling is unreal. In some people, they don’t even have an ankle it’s just a leg and a foot! I might just have a mild case of it. I know there are different grades of the syndrome. But something has to be causing me this pain. And I refuse to believe that pain meds are increasing my pain because if that was the case, why the fuck did I wake up from a sound sleep in bone crushing pain hours after I took my meds? Just doesn’t make sense to me.

Today is my uncle’s birthday. He died 11 years ago. He was my favorite uncle. He was funny and kind. I miss him a lot. I hope he has good cake up where he is. His favorite saying was “for Christ’s sake”.

After I had my Chinese food for dinner, I had raspberries. NEVER again. The burps were horrible and upset my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up. Thankfully, some antacid made it go away. I’m never going to buy raspberries again. They just aren’t very good and the seeds get stuck in my teeth. I like the jam better, seedless jam. I bought it on my last grocery order so I can make it with peanut butter. It’s really good. I might have it for breakfast later today.

I really need to shower today. Even though I don’t have much hair, I need to wash it as it’s itchy. I last took a shower Tuesday night so it’s been a while. Sox lost again. I hope the next two games with Baltimore are the last for the season. It’s been rough playing with them. Seems we have been playing them all season long. One of my favorite new pitchers was placed on the disabled list (DL) yesterday because he hurt his knee. He is out the next 10 days. I don’t know who is going to take his place in the rotation. The Sox are really hurting for starting pitchers. They still have a winning record, for now but if they continue to lose games, they won’t.

bad physical pain day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad physical pain day

I did way too much yesterday and the day before. I tried resting but my damn allergies kept me up. I did take a nap, eventually. My Achilles is really painful. After I had supper, I iced it. It helped to numb it so I could bear weight on it. I am completely miserable today.

Last night I went off on my psychiatrist. I told her I didn’t want to see any doctor including her. I am tired of seeing them. She responded today asking if I was serious. I told her I was just frustrated at not being heard and being dismissed all the time with my concerns. I told her I would see her tomorrow for our scheduled appointment but to have tissues ready. I have been crying a lot lately because of pain and because I am just so upset at the medical profession. Why did people chose this profession if they are not going to be helpful?

It’s hot and humid so I just turned on the AC so I could freeze my ass off. I hope it helps the allergies as I have been stuffed up and coughing most of the day. I thought when I woke up this morning, I was getting a cold. It cleared up after I used my Flonase. I am just miserable and I have been taking my pain meds but it’s not helping my Achilles at all. I feel so upset with this. I bought another $25 worth of pens last night as retail therapy. I bought a 12 pack and a single pen that I like. I want this one to be in my carryon bag that I take with me when I go out.

I took 900 mg of Neurontin after my mother rudely woke me from a sound sleep to find out where my childhood friend now lives. I was so annoyed. She knows I have been in a lot of pain yesterday. I had a hard time sleeping despite taking my night meds early. I just couldn’t sleep even though I was so tired. I didn’t fall asleep till around midnight, six hours after I took my meds. I had to take another Ativan to calm down. The Neurontin is helping with the burning pain, even though it’s making my waistline bigger. I weighed myself yesterday and found I had gained 10 pounds in a week. This med just adds weight, even if you don’t eat more than you usually do. Then when you stop it, you lose the weight, or some of it anyway. I hate it but it works so I can’t do anything about it.

I’m feeling really depressed and at times I just want to kill myself because I feel so worthless. If I can’t walk, what is the point of living? I just want to go to my spot and end it. I might this weekend if my pain lets up. I will tell my psych this. I don’t care. I know I am going to bawl when I see her. I just am so upset at my PCP.

Both ankles are hurting me but my left is hurting me more than my Achilles. The game is on as to which part of my ankle/foot is going to hurt more with my left. My ankle will start hurting and then it will move down to my metatarsal bones. These are the major bones in the foot. My last three always hurt when they flare. I have already taken two strong pain pills to quiet down my Achilles but it didn’t do anything. I am feeling hopeless that nothing is working for my right ankle. My mother saw how swollen it was and saw the lump. I am tempted to just get a sharp knife and cut it out. Maybe then my Achilles will stop hurting me.

I ordered my favorite dinner, pizza and fries. I only ordered half a pizza and I am glad I did because I’m the only one that wanted a second slice. My mother and niece ate the fries and one slice each. I like when there is no left overs because I am the only one that usually eats it.

My Red Sox gear that I ordered finally came. I bought another hat and a hoodie. I know summer is coming but it’s a lightweight hoodie for cool nights. Plus I can use it as the temps keep fluctuating to cold even though it’s fricken June! My left ankle is not happy that I went down and up two flights of stairs. Stupid fucking CRPS!