Tag: disability

random 410

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 410

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I woke up around 0200 having side effects from my trilafon. My arms felt like they were spaghetti and they were flailing. I was annoying that it woke me from a sound sleep. I stayed up half the night as I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I would have blogged but my arms didn’t feel right.

I was hoping to sleep till at least 1100 but woke up at 0800. I was able to get back to sleep for a few hours and then I made breakfast. I didn’t feel like showering. After breakfast, it was time to catch the bus so I could have much needed espresso. I grabbed my bag and looked for my keys yet again. I still haven’t found them anywhere. My house ate them and until it pukes it up, I am without keys. I am glad I have a spare.

It was raining and cool as I waited at the bus stop. I didn’t dress warmly and froze while I was at Starbucks. I read a chapter of the CBT book but didn’t feel like summarizing it. I wrote in my journal until it was time for me to catch the train for therapy. While I was writing, my foot acted up and I was shitting bricks. I took my pain meds and hoped it would be enough to calm it down so I could walk to therapy. It was too late to cancel and too late to go home for strong meds.

I went to therapy and told my therapist that I was suicidal. I was hopeless and he wanted me to scream at someone. I thought that was queer. I wasn’t angry at anyone. We talked about different things and he has it in his head that I need people in my life. I don’t want people in my life. I have enough of them online that I manage. I don’t want every day conversations with people that I don’t know. He is starting to get on my nerves about this as it’s the third session he has mentioned this. Next week he is out of office because of the holiday. He is going to let me know if a spot opens up on his schedule if I want to see him. I rather not see him.

I walked to the train station and I was hurting. Both ankles were giving me grief. I decided to go to Chipotle for supper. I had a burrito bowl and I asked for extra rice. It was good and I got a little happy having my guacamole. The train was crowded so I didn’t have seat. I just made the bus home and it was crowded so I didn’t have a seat. My feet and ankles were wanting a divorce. I crawled home. I took some strong pain meds and regular meds when I got to my room. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to be in pain all night like I have been the last few nights.

A friend called me while I was home. We set up a dinner date at our favorite Thai place. It will be good to see him if I don’t end up going through with my plans. I am still feeling suicidal after I left therapy, mostly because I was in fricken pain and that just put me in a bad mood. I’m going to talk to my psych tomorrow and tell her my plans. This therapist sucks for suicide prevention so I am not sure I can depend on him in a crisis or when I am having a hard time. He still expects me to see him in two weeks when I am not sure I am going to be around. FUCK. I am just so tired of having to do things myself in therapy. I am not sure it is worth it anymore. Not sure my life is worth anything anymore. I just feel so hopeless today and not sleeping and being in pain has not helped me one bit. Just don’t want to exist anymore, I really don’t!

intense pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Intense pain

I got up from bed after I shut the AC off to place my overflowing recycle bin in a trash bag. As I climbed back to bed, my ankle seized up like the Dickens. I saw stars. It was intense pain and I am still feeling it. I just want to die and I am doing all I can to not get up and take the bottle of pills to end my life.

I waited about fifteen minutes for it to quiet down. It didn’t so I took yet another strong pain pill. I am losing track of the consecutive days I am having to take this medication. I belong to a CRPS group on Facebook. They talk about Kratom, ketamine infusions, and the like. I have posted a few times but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

I keep telling myself one more week or two and then I will end it. I don’t know if I will. I want to end it right now but I can’t walk over to my bureau to get the meds needed to do the job. It will hurt too much. I could say fuck it and hobble over there anyways, but I really don’t want my family to find me in the morning. It’s better to go to my spot.

I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist and just cry over the phone with her. The pain is getting worse. The flares are nearly every day, sometimes with some movement and other times with no movement. I can’t go on like this, I just can’t. Pain is just killing me. I have tolerated as much as I can. I can’t even say what number on scale it is anymore because I am always in pain. My normal is now a 5 when it used to be a 3. I just want to cut off the limb. I have a crazy idea on how to do it, too.

I guess I am not sleeping tonight. I am so tired and my meds are making me sleepy but the pain is keeping me up. Pretty soon I will be over tired and then god knows when I will sleep. I will hit the hyperdrive button and all hell will break loose. Time will go by and before I know it, it will be 0300.

I took my dose of Neurontin later than I usually do. I am starting to need it every night like the strong pain pill. I will be 300 pounds by the end of the year if this keeps up. Neurontin is just a weight gainer and you don’t even have to eat more to gain weight. I know in the morning the pain will be less. It always will be. But I want it to be gone NOW. I am tired of existing. I have no purpose. Just a will to die and I will act on it soon enough. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow, but one day soon.

Grumpy Gus

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Grumpy Gus

I have been in a grumpy mood for most of the day. I had a bad night of sleeping. I woke up around 3 in pain and it never settled down. I am sticking with my diet today, though. I just need two more shakes and I will be done for the night.

I tried taking a nap but couldn’t so I took some Ativan to calm down. I really wanted to take a strong pain pill because my foot was going fucking berserk on me and it was really getting me agitated. I couldn’t move my foot/ankle any which way without pain. I didn’t go out today. Just going up and down the stairs to use the bathroom was torture. I know I will be having a bowel movement soon and I am not looking forward to going down the stairs again.

My fricken mother woke me up from my nap and I was not happy. She wanted to know what I wanted for dinner, at 1430!! WTF. She usually calls me around 1530 to ask. I was so bullshit. I still am. She always calls whenever I nap or am sleeping. It’s like I am supposed to be at her beck and call. And then she gets mad if I don’t answer the phone, especially if I am home. I am so pissed at her. Now she is playing her dice game and it’s annoying the fuck out of me. I’m going to hide it on her and throw the damn kettle out of the window.

Forget about changing the sheets today. That is not going to happen because my foot is being a fuck. I’ll just wrestle with the sheets one more time to get them back on the bed. I should have put in a refill for my meds through my PCP’s office today but I was so out of it, I didn’t think of it till now. Now I will have to wait until next week. Fuck. I hope I can last the weekend. I have been trying to be conservative with my meds which is why I didn’t take the strong pain pill before my nap.

I have the appointment with ortho tomorrow for my Achilles problem. I am really nervous and I know I am not going to be able to walk after they poke and prod my ankle. I am going to get there early in case they need to do X-rays. I might bring my cane with me just in case. It will be cold out so I won’t be wearing shorts. I will wear sweatpants so they are easy to pull up. Jeans would be difficult to roll up.

The psychotic stuff that I experienced on Monday has left. I think I am over it for right now. I just got to keep my stress levels low and I think tomorrow’s appointment is weighing on me more than I realize. I keep on having dreams of my father, nothing scary or anything but they are just weird. I can’t remember them when I wake up.

in a lot of pain with no end in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a lot of pain with no end in sight

I woke up around 0630 with my foot hurting. I took some pain meds and then made coffee. I wanted to go to the Museum of Fine Arts today but that isn’t happening. I also wanted to take my jeans with the broken zipper to be fixed but that isn’t happening either. I heard a crash downstairs and when I rushed to check on my mother, pain was all that I felt. I am fucking miserable.

I guess low key activities are in order today. I will be reading the article I want to blog about sometime today provided the two pain pills I took doesn’t leave me higher than a kite. I had to take 2 because the pain is just so severe. I had taken one about half an hour ago and the pain got worse when I went to lie down. I want to nap but it just doesn’t seem that is going to happen. The pain is just throbbing so damn bad. I fucking hate when I wake up with pain because I have no idea if it is going to get worse with me moving around or not. Seems that moving around is not a good thing to do today.

I also plan on reading some more of the Robert Lowell book. I have like 9 chapters left to read so I am getting there. I am half way through Huck Finn and a friend gave me a book about Maya the bee or something like that. That is on my next book to read list. I don’t know when I will read Dostoevsky. I still haven’t finished Brothers Karamazov. I am close to finishing that one but it just drags on and on. If it was a regular book, I could see my progress but it’s on a Kindle so I have no idea how long the chapter is or how much more I need to read. Very frustrating.

I have another headache today. I think the new pillows are hurting me. One already got flat and the other is big and fluffy. I haven’t decided which one I like better. Neither helps my ankle/foot/toes pain. I am just in a bitter mood today. I haven’t had breakfast yet. I’d like to make pancakes but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen either. I had a donut and a fiber one bar with my coffee, but that was like 3 hours ago. Maybe I will wait a little and make hot dogs. Sox game is on at 2. I have no idea who is pitching. I haven’t seen the lineup posted, though I haven’t been on Twitter much today. They lost last night.

It’s a good day today, 64 degrees. I hate that I am cooped up inside because of pain. Maybe if the strong pain pills work and don’t knock me out, I can go and get my jeans fixed later this afternoon. Just sucks that I am in fucking pain. I hate it. It just stresses me out. Starting to feel the effects of my meds. Better go make some hot dogs before I pass out…