Tag: disability
blah day with pain
Blah day with pain
I am having a difficult day. It’s hard to be moving. I woke up around noon. Ordered Chinese food and mostly ate the appetizers than my entrée. I will have some later, if I feel like it. I needed to go to Walgreens for my meds. I forced myself to go and regretted it when I came home. My ankle is really hurting me. I hope it’s better by tomorrow because I need to see my psych.
I need to change my sheets this weekend. The foam topper is sliding off my bed and I need to adjust it. I don’t know why this happened and hope it’s not a frequent occurrence. I don’t plan on doing anything today. Sox are playing early so there will be no game tonight. There is no score right now.
While I was out, I contemplated going to the Square to get some Starbucks. But I missed the bus and I would have had to wait a half hour for the next one. I didn’t feel like waiting. I also bumped into my uncle who read some of my book. He asked me when my third book was coming out. Ha, funny man. I am taking a break from book writing, least for now. I need to promote my second book a little bit. I have only two sales, so far and about 12 on the side that I either gave away or sold as autograph copies. I need a sales pitch and that is not my thing.
It’s 56 degrees out but it’s chilly with the wind. The house is cold but it’s always cold. My ankle is not liking it. Tomorrow is supposed to rain. I am not sure if I will be working on my blog project. Depends on my mood. I was really hoping to have it done this week but I’m dragging my tail. I seem to work best on Monday and then the rest of the week slides out of my control. I got a lot done. I just need to work a little more and it will be finished. Maybe this coming Monday I will work on it before I see my therapist.
I was going to shower today but I feel blah. I honestly don’t feel like doing anything. My ankle and foot are competing. I didn’t get the lidocaine that my PCP prescribed me because it’s oil based and would have stained my sheets. I will stick with the OTC stuff. It dries and doesn’t leave a residue. I have no motivation to do anything. My mother just called asking me what I want for supper and I don’t even know. The Chinese food I had is making me feel bloated so I don’t want anything. I should have gone to the basement to pick up some frozen dinners while I was out. Guess I will get them tomorrow.
Sunday is going to be a long day. I have to go to the 0800 mass for my father. I hope I can come home and nap before going out again. I told some friends I would meet them to feed some ducks and then go out to eat. I haven’t seen them since January and miss them. We might just go out to eat because there is rain in the forecast. It’s all dependent on the weather at this point. I hope my mood improves by then. I know I feel blah because my pain levels have been all over the place, making me miserable and tired all the time.
Sox won in the 10th inning 4-1. Sale didn’t earn his win despite playing really good. Kimbrel messed it up for him. I got some new Bluetooth headphones that were a deal on Amazon. I like the ones I have but I can’t use the remote function on them. I hope the new ones I can. It’d be nice to control the volume and skip songs rather than having to do so on the phone.
I need to get a haircut before Sunday. I hope I can shower tomorrow and then get the haircut after my psych appointment or before. Depends on my timing. I haven’t decided yet if I am going to get the same cut on top or if I want it short and spikey. I like having my hair long on top but it’s a pain to manage when I am not wearing a hat. I am trying to stay awake and not take a nap but it’s so damn hard. I am just so sleepy.
Up and at ’em 2
Up and at em?
I woke up at 0145, from a sound sleep, because of pain. Now I can’t get back to sleep so I thought I would write for a bit and see if that works. I took my pain meds, both of them. I am thinking of taking an Ativan but will see if I am sleepy in an hour once the pain meds have a chance to work.
My pain has settled down some but my brain has not. I decided to charge my Bluetooth headphones because it’s been a while since they were last charged. I have to watch my niece on Tuesday so I am thinking of taking her to the museum of fine arts. It all depends of how today goes for me. I want to make bacon for breakfast. Usually, that takes a lot out of me. I took two of my “extra strong” pain pills (Dove dark chocolate). It was yummy and hit the spot.
The damn birds are chirping. I don’t fucking believe it and it’s not even daylight out!! It’s 0300! Not even close to dawn. So damn annoying!! They even chirp in the evening too, usually at dusk. If I had a bazooka, I’d shoot them. Damn birds!
I have decided I am going to come up with a list of things to work on in therapy when my therapist is back from vacation. I think it will be a good idea so that there is a plan in place. We don’t have to stick with it but it’s something to do other than me talk the whole session about my past PTSD experiences and such. I know that he is collecting information about me as he doesn’t know me and I just expect him to. I know that is kind of stupid as he is new and doesn’t know a thing about me. Just wishful thinking I guess.
Dammit! I just moved my ankle and it exploded. My ankle down to my toes are hurting really bad. Damn pain syndrome! I never know what is going to cause a flare up and now I am again thinking of ending my life. It’s such a trigger for me to be in intense pain and then thinking of wanting to end my life. It doesn’t happen all the time but it’s happening more and more because I do have a plan to end it. Might not be the best plan but I hope it will work.
I am going to tell the therapist about this because this is the second time in about a week that I have had intense suicidal thoughts when I have intense pain. Maybe he and I can work on some kind of strategy to combat the thoughts so that I don’t resort to wanting to end my life. Dealing with chronic pain is so damn difficult. I never know what brings it on and it can be the slightest movement or thing that I have done a thousand times before but it sets off pain. It’s a real stress situation because you are always wondering if this time it will set it off or not. Like putting on or taking off socks. Or getting more comfortable on my bed while lying down and boom, the movement of my leg sets off ankle pain or toe pain. It’s so frustrating. It makes you not want to do anything but these movements don’t always cause pain so you are just confused and pissed off. Not that you want to be in pain every time you put on socks or take them off, but that the possibility is there.
UGH, I am getting annoyed and it’s not helping to go back to sleep. I guess I am angry that the pain woke me up from a good dream. I don’t remember it but it was something to do with being cared for. I felt really good in the dream, like there was a relief in it.
I have been thinking of starting my diet again of drinking protein shakes for two weeks. I don’t think I will start today because I want bacon. But I think I will substitute a meal for a shake. I heard that is a good way to lose weight. I would do a cereal diet but all I have are cocoa pebble and I don’t think that will help me lose weight because of the sugar in it. If I could just lose ten pounds I would be happy. It’s so damn hard to lose yet it’s so easy to gain. I know the Neurontin doesn’t help me. I can easily gain five pounds without even changing my diet too much. I think it’s mostly water weight because soon as I stop taking it, I lose the extra weight. It is frustrating because I need this medication yet I don’t want to gain weight from it. There isn’t another medication that I can take that works as well as this one. I have tried Lyrica and Lamotagrine. It didn’t really help the nerve pain at all and just made me sick.
I am glad my therapy appointments are in the afternoon because it gives me a chance to wake up and relax a bit if my night was shitty. It doesn’t always work out that way but at least I can go to Starbucks and write a little in my journal before the appointment. I can either go to the Square or Central because there is a Starbucks right at the corner when you exit the station.
I hope I go to sleep soon. It’s really hot in my room but with the damn birds chirping I know it will be louder if I open my window. That will annoy me and it will be hard to get to sleep. Maybe I will take a shower to cool off some. I am kind of sweaty, even though I took a shower yesterday. It might exhaust me some and let me go to sleep afterwards. We’ll see.
Easter 2017
Easter 2017
I had Easter dinner with the family and afterwards needed a nap, even though I had a cappuccino. I was just so full and tired. I had slept pretty well so I don’t know why I was so tired. No weird dreams today. It was warm so I woke up sweating because I was under my blankets. It’s 80 degrees out so my room is hot, even with the ceiling fan going. I hate the heat. It is much too early though to put in the AC. Luckily it’s just for today and tomorrow the warm weather and then it goes down to the 50s or so. It’s supposed to be nice all week except for Friday. It figures because I have to go out.
Sox won 7-5 so I am happy about that. It was another comeback from behind win. I hope that isn’t the trend for the season. Sox are playing their typical early game tomorrow morning because it’s Patriot’s Day and the Boston Marathon. One of my childhood friends is running. It’s his 19th year and I am so proud of him. I have known him and his wife forever it seems. I am so glad we reconnected through Facebook.
My pain has been minimal today. I haven’t needed my regular pain meds for most of the day. I will take them before bed so I don’t wake up in the middle of the night, I hope, anyways. I didn’t work on my project because of family events. I’m going to try tomorrow. I might do some reading tonight. That nap gave me some energy. I don’t think I will be going to sleep right away. I just hope I am not up all night.
My sister and cousin made pillows out of my father’s shirts and ties. She gave my younger sister and I the pillows today. They did a good job.
Ok, maybe I have watched a little bit too much of Criminal Minds, but I really think there is a Charles River Serial Killer out there. Another young adult male was found in the river after leaving the Boston Garden. He was 23 years old. I just know that my nephew is NEVER going there alone. Just too many coincidences that are making me think there is a killer on the loose and the authorities aren’t saying a damn word about it.
midnightdemons7 
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