Tag: disability

in a cranky mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a cranky mood

I am in a lot of fucking pain right now and it’s causing me to think about suicide. This is the third consecutive day I have been in pain above an 8 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. I am going out of my mind. I have thought about paging my psych but I know she will just want me in the hospital and I don’t want to go. I am just feeling really bad.

I never worked on my blog project. I keep looking at the notebook and nothing comes. I look at the book but I don’t want to read. I am in the middle of a case vignette on how to use cognitive therapy. So far it’s good learning but I just can’t get back into the book. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s bugging me and making me feel like a loser. I set out to do things and I don’t follow through. Just like the suicidology book that I started reading that was a piece of shit. I was supposed to review that book but I never even read more than maybe three chapters? I know I started writing about what I read but I have no idea what happened to the notebook I was keeping my notes in so now I have to start all over. Pisser.

I’m trying to distract from my suicidal feeling by writing. My throbbing foot is not helping. I just took some more of my regular pain meds. I need a refill soon for those. I just emailed it in. It probably won’t get done until Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Maybe I can take my niece to the hospital and have her see the Ether dome. I will be watching her on Tuesday.

I want to go to the museum of fine arts next week. I don’t want my membership to be a loss. I only went once so far. It’s hard to find the motivation to go. I want to see the Egyptian exhibit. It’s my favorite. The first time I went, I went to the gift shop and bought an Egyptian pen. It was a ceramic rollerball. It wrote really fine. I liked it but I kind of like my Jetstream better. It is smoother writing.

My cousin that has bipolar disorder called me tonight. He is going to give me some money so that I can order his a foam topper for his bed, the same kind that I bought. I don’t mind doing this for him. I have been meaning to add my new therapist to my bill pay, but I have been lazy about it. It’s a pain to do it because I have to do it through the web. I can’t do it on my phone. Logging in through the web is so much more difficult than the damn phone. It’s ridiculous. Every single time I log on, I have to have a “security” code sent to my phone to prove it’s me. Meanwhile anyone can log onto my phone and that is okay? I don’t get it. Then to add a new payee you have to go through this rigmarole. I think I will add him when I get my first bill. I just hope it’s reasonable. I can’t afford more than $20/session a week.

I’m feeling really cranky about being in pain. People always say to me they don’t know how I deal with it day in and day out. Frankly, I don’t know how either. It’s like it just became a part of my life and as much as I want it gone, it isn’t going anywhere. Which makes me feel so distressed at times that I want to end my life. It’s funny that the new therapist asked me what I would like to change and I told him I wanted to finish my degree and be a therapist. But that is only going to happen if I win the lottery. I feel so hopeless about everything else in my life. Pain just takes so much from me that it’s really ruining the quality of my life. I am just existing from day to day. I eat, sleep, take my meds, repeat the next day. I have nothing I look forward to except this blog and my readers. Some days it’s a struggle to write. I just don’t have the same thought process I once had. I think the meds are messing that up for me. But my suicidality hasn’t changed at all. My PTSD symptoms have gotten worse with each flare up. I stay up most nights wondering when I will sleep and if I will sleep through the night. It’s hard.

I think the only reason I didn’t grab a bottle of pills tonight is because tomorrow is Easter. It’s always the little things that keep me here. Maybe next flare up, I won’t be so lucky.

My life as a lab assistant is over

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

My life as a lab assistant is over

As I was going through my things tonight of the things I collected from my work locker, I realized I have finally closed that chapter of my life. The days where I get stressed out over a nurse’s error or a doctor’s rant because he can’t get his lab results because he wants to go home are over. The days at decant and endless samples where the evening shift does more work than day shift have some to an end. My nights of getting called fifty times or more a night where all I wanted to do was change my name are gone.

It was a great learning experience for me. I learned what life was like after the people that draw your blood do with it. I learned many things over the years and it was both good and bad. I learned how mistakes could be made on inpatient floors and why they happen. Better mechanisms are now in place to prevent these but they still happen, unfortunately, though with less frequency.

This job that was once important to me and my livelihood is done and gone like a good memory. I remember the good more than the bad. Many people have passed through the years that I have been working there. It was a low paying job, a starting point for technologists and nurses or other medical professionals. I have seen a few co workers go on to become physician assistants and doctors. Through social media, I still keep in contact with them. We may not talk every day but it’s nice to speak to them every once and a while to see what they are up to.

It’s hard to believe that five years ago this month I went out on permanent disability. I am still angry that this happened to me despite my years of seniority to the hospital and my department. I was well liked, got good reviews, and still, in the end, got kicked out. I wasn’t accommodated with my restrictions and there was no place for me. I was talking to the manager today. I am no longer angry at him. I know he would have kept me had he had a say in the decision. It is upper management that couldn’t accept my restrictions. In a way, it all worked out. I wouldn’t have time for this blog if I was still working. Who knows, I may have ended up killing myself like I had planned. Every now and then, I still think of that plan. I never went through with it, obviously because I am still here.

Over the years, I have been called lazy and crazy by people that are too stupid to name. It was something that I have never forgotten or got apologized to. It hindered any sort of promotion that I may have had and I was okay with that. People, even supervisors, came to me with problems more than my title demanded. I was always willing to lend a hand when I could. Some times my advice was heeded and sometimes it wasn’t, much to my dismay. Those nights pissed me off because I was then asked to fix the error. There were laughs some nights, though in the end they became less and less frequent as the demand of work was piled on. But the people are what matter more than the work. That is what I will remember.

Painful emotional Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful emotional Monday

I woke up before my alarm and felt sick. My stomach was bothering me and I just didn’t have the motivation to shower or brush my teeth. I went to the bathroom and almost vomited. Was not going to brush my teeth then! I knew if I did, I would only puke some more. I went upstairs and set my alarm for another hour and tried to sleep. My mother got up and all hopes for sleeping went out the window. The TV was loud and then she played her dice game. I took some stomach medicine and shut my alarm off. I really wanted to cancel my psych appointment but I told my lab friends I would be by to clean out my locker.

I managed about an hours sleep and then had to run for the bus. The homeless man that is in my neighborhood started talking to me and this lady that sat next to me on the bench. I wasn’t paying attention to the bus and we almost missed it. I would have cursed him if the bus went by. My stomach was still not doing well but I had my espresso with soy milk anyways. I made it to my appointment with ten minutes to spare.

I told my doc about what went on this weekend with Amy Bleuel. She had seen the tattoos but didn’t know what they meant. I explained what they were about and that she died by suicide. I also said that I think the same fate is for me, even though I wasn’t suicidal at this time. It was tough to talk about my feeling about this with her but she didn’t judge me or freak out so it felt good to share my thoughts on the matter. She is trying to find a therapist for me and will be in touch when some names are given to her. No one at the hospital she is at does therapy. For the number one hospital in psychiatry in the country, I find this hard to believe. Apparently, they just do meds. Very unusual.

I left to go to the lab to see my former co-workers. It was sad being there. Some people I haven’t seen in a while and others I have seen whenever I visit. I found out a friend just had surgery so I will be calling her later today. I hope she picks up. I emptied my locker. It was junk, most of it. I found a video I had totally forgotten about, The Importance of Being Ernest. It’s one of my favorite movies. A few books were there. I thought one of them was a book on baseball cards but it was on stamps. I tossed it in my recycle bin when I came home. It was almost 20 years old so it was out of date.

I stood the whole time I was in the lab. My ankle and foot did not like that at all. I was getting thirsty just talking the whole time, too. I had to get something to drink so I went to CVS and got a vitamin water. I would have bought just water but they didn’t have a small size just big bottles. I didn’t want a big one. I was hurting all the way home. I am glad I came home when I did because I had gas really bad. I trusted a fart and that was it, I shit my pants. I still had my jeans on so I am glad I wasn’t sitting on my bed. I went downstairs and had my mother help me undress. She was shocked I shit myself. I didn’t even feel it until it was too late. Something just didn’t agree with my stomach. I have been crapping water the past hour so I will be drinking powerade so I don’t get dehydrated. I took some Imodium. I haven’t eaten anything all day except for the espresso. I didn’t have time for a sandwich so I don’t know why my stomach is against me. I feel so downhearted because I shit myself. Damn nerve damage. I am glad I was home though. Crapping outside would have killed me.

I took a shower after I clean up the bathroom and my pants. It felt good to shower. My stomach still isn’t settled and my arse is sore. I hope the Imodium kicks in soon. I feel so humiliated. My ankle is hurting a lot because I keep having to go up and down the stairs. I know tomorrow is going to be a rest day for sure. I won’t be taking senna tonight, that is for sure. I still need to brush my teeth but I am feeling nauseous. Maybe I will later when my stomach settles down a bit.

My mother told me she is going to my Aunt’s because it’s my cousin’s birthday. I am on my own for supper. I might order pizza. I wanted to have Thai food from Boston but I forgot to order it before leaving the hospital. I just had eyes set on going home. I am really tired and my ankle is really hurting. I might have to take a strong pain pill tonight. I was going to take one this afternoon but I don’t want to be drugged going up and down stairs with my bowels being unpredictable. It’s weird I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am not hungry. Maybe I am getting sick of some kind. I just know the bowel incidents have left me feeling weak. I think I will take a nap and then order food.

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Evening

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rambling Ramble on a Sunday Night

My legs finally stopped twitching. I had to take a Benadryl and some Ativan to quiet it down. It was awful because it felt like my whole body was twitching even though it was just my legs. It was really uncomfortable. I walked around my room to give me something to do. I then had to use the bathroom and when I came back to my room, it was a little better. My ankle is sore now so I took my pain meds. I was hoping to go back to sleep but I am too keyed up.

I might read a little bit. I am in the middle of a chapter in Robert Lowell again. I was reading for about 45 minutes the other day and couldn’t finish the chapter. It kept talking around in circles, again. This book is really trying my patience. I have about 200 pages or so to read, which isn’t bad, if I keep reading it. I am more than half way through the book.

I am kind of mad at myself for not getting my new topper on my bed. I should give myself some slack because I didn’t feel well most of the day. Tomorrow I need to see my psychiatrist and I need to leave early. I hope I remember the cake that I want to share with her. Think I will set my alarm so I don’t over sleep.

Tomorrow is Opening Day at Fenway. Can’t believe baseball season starts already. It’s a day game so I think I will miss most of it because I will be in town. I think I will get Thai food so that I will have dinner for tomorrow night. My mother doesn’t like it so more for me. I’ll also get spring rolls as I absolutely love them. I also need to go to the lab to pick up my belongings. It’s going to be sad because this means I am really out of my job, finally. I wish things could be different. But as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason.